I feel my Dad doesn't appreciate me:(

[StephenL]

Hello. I am writing to you tired. We’ll basically if you would like to give a young teenager some advice I would appreciate it So I am a busy kid! I have school and am a B average student and I involved in The Student discipline committee, Student Environmental Agency, Track and Field, Plus I work from usually 530 or 630 to close which varies on how busy we are. Wednesday nights I help assist my teacher at Teaching in our local parish. In Fact our leading Sister offered me to teach my own class as a senior in High School next year. I am honored and feel so privileged for this opportunity. Yet, my Dad says in an uninterested way “cool”. I get all the time lectured about how I am going to afford school. His options for me are the Military or Community College. I have seen what the military does to certain people and I can’t stand it. I have only the Lord from keeping from screaming out my lungs at his actions his philosophy his narrowed mindedness, his joking about Catholics. The fact I am going to get home at late it just irritates me. I just hope The Lord will not punish me for feeling what I feel. I have to pay for half my insurance and all my gas. I have to drive to school to get home fast enough to go to work. My pay is hardly enough to do all this! So I am irritated that I don’t get to put hardly any money in my bank for schooling. I feel like I am working just to please him. We’ll that’s not working. In the words of my Mother, “Stephen no matter what you do it will never be good enough” People around me telling me I am doing so good. Yet my Dad has nothing positive to say to me. I Love my Dad. It is hard though. Like in a month I will be hunting in Iowa with family and I just wanted me and my other family to go so I can relax peacefully without being on pin needles. I am just tired. My teacher told me I looked extremely tired and said I was slurring my words. I am doing this for my Dad and yet I feel I get no praise no Love from him. Food and shelter doesn’t count as love. Thanks for any advice you could give me

 

[InNomineDomini]

My advice would be to sit down and write or type a long letter to your father. Think of all the things you appreciate about him, about his character, and write them, tell him about your feelings. Think of all the things that he does well, and compliment him. Also, let him know about how hard you try, and that you do so because he means so much to you. Tell him how nice it would be for you have deep and long friendship with him.

Sometimes, fathers wait until they’re very, very old to tell their sons how deeply they love them, and how hard they tried to make a good life for them. Help him to have an opportunity to do so sooner.

 

[underacloud]

I am doing this for my Dad and yet I feel I get no praise no Love from him. Food and shelter doesn’t count as love. Thanks for any advice you could give me

Stop doing this for your dad. Start doing things for yourself and looking towards your future.

Since you’re still at school and presumably relying on your dad for support (food, shelter, etc), you may still have a few years of compromise ahead of you, but as you grow into an adult you have to start making your own decisions/choices, especially with regard to further education, jobs, etc. You can’t make these choices in order to please him. You must make them in your own best interests. As you gradually assert your indepenence, he may come to repsect you more for it.

You may need to learn the subtle art of being firm yet kind towards people.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Somehow, I feel like you don’t appreciate your dad either.

 

[Robertanthony]

Somehow, I feel like you don’t appreciate your dad either.

Whenever someone is critical of one of his parents, sure enough someone will completely ignore what they’re trying to communicate and feel they have a mission from God to lay a guilt trip on the person.

Stephen, fathers come in all forms, from the most nurturing, selfless to indifferent, demeaning even. My father was not a decent father, he wasn’t pleasant to be around, he made everyone nervous and anxious, there was a tangible tension when he would come in a room, yet when one of my older siblings was in a bad relationship, drinking heavily, letting herself go, he once told me how he thought we should help our sister, all the while being emotionally choked up, fighting back the surge of emotions. Did he love my sis, yep, did he express it in a manner which was appropriate, nope. If something happened to you, chances are your dad would be devastated. But he’s probably too emotionally frozen to be comfortable in intimacy, even with his own son. That was my experience with my father. We’ve never had much in the way of a true, genuine, deep relationship, nowadays I consider him as a distant uncle. I wish I could give you the Christian talk about how God is a father to the fatherless, how he’s excited about you, about me, but I would not mean it.

 

[Havard]

I have seen what the military does to certain people and I can’t stand it.

???

I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but I would be happy to put you in contact with a great former Navy chaplain who might be able to change your mind about that.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Somehow, I feel like you don’t appreciate your dad either.

That wasn’t very nice. This teenager came for help not criticism. If you genuinely feel what you said is accurate, it could have been worded in a much more charitable tone. Not to mention that this teenager is the teenager in the situation not the adult who is suppose to be the mature one

 

[Anglewannabe]

Stop doing this for your dad. Start doing things for yourself and looking towards your future.

.

My dad was like yours. There was just no pleasing him. It will always hurt. You need to do what is best for you. And once you are away from home, there will always be tons of people trying to drag you down. You need to learn to be confident in your decisions

 

[acadiANNA]

Your father seems to be still challenging you to achieve. Maybe he doesn’t express himself in the way you would like. Maybe he just doesn’t know how. You don’t have to be a hostage to his feelings about you. Achieve for yourself. Pray for the grace to forgive the shortcomings of your father and to lower your expectations of him. Always ask him, “How are you”? You have so much potential. I will pray that the tension between you two will heal. Put your energy into your studies for the time being.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you.

 

[PhiloMed]

Stephen, fathers come in all forms, from the most nurturing, selfless to indifferent, demeaning even.

This! Sometimes it isn’t until one becomes an adult or even a parent themselves that one realizes this.

I like the idea of writing a letter, but only if you think he will read it and may engage you in dialogue about it.

Otherwise, I also think you need stop worrying about pleasing him and strive to make yourself proud.

 

[lux_in_tenebris_1]

Oh man buddy, let me tell you how I could relate to this.
Being from an Asian family, the ever present parental disapproval on just about everything you do is a hallmark of the culture. It is indeed very much frustrating. One time my sister came home with a 100 percentile on her progress report and without blinking an eye my dad said “You should be doing better” and was dead serious about it.

So you’re going to have find your peace with this the best you can, because parents are slow to change. I take a lesson from St. Therese de Lisieux, who found herself being more or less heckled verbally and physically on a daily basis by an older nun. Nobody would envy that position, but St. Therese found a small joy in her labor by enduring all the abuse and turning it to magnifying power for God’s grace on Earth with her little way.

Ultimately though, I believe if you sit down and think about it though, I think you will find that your father really does love and admire you. But as with many Asian parents, he may keep all those warm and fuzzy feelings under lock and key

 

[gardenswithkids]

That wasn’t very nice. This teenager came for help not criticism. If you genuinely feel what you said is accurate, it could have been worded in a much more charitable tone. Not to mention that this teenager is the teenager in the situation not the adult who is suppose to be the mature one

Is his dad terrible for asking him to pay for gas and half of the insurance on the car he drives? Is there something wrong with the very affordable options of community college or the military? Would it be better if his dad encouraged him to take out huge student loans that he will spend the next two decades trying to pay off?

As tired as this poster feels every night, Stephen has only been doing it for a few years at most, while his dad has likely been working for longer than Stephen’s been alive. If his dad has been out of work, he’d have even more reason for concern about finances. Does his dad hear positive words of encouragement and thanks? Not likely. Instead, his son writes a long post telling how his father doesn’t appreciate him.

Not every father gives off warm and fuzzy feelings. Many of them express their love by going to a job every day in order to provide food and shelter for their families. For that, they deserve respect and thanks. If this young man wants to have a heart-to-heart with his father, I suggest he start by honestly and sincerely thanking his father for all that he’s done for him instead of complaining about what he hasn’t done.

 

[Lorelei12]

The only thing in your entire post I see as problematic is your dad’s “joking about Catholics”. Otherwise, I guess I just don’t see what the problem is.

Not everyone gets college paid for by their parents. If you don’t like the community college option, you always have the choice to try for scholarships and grants and go wherever you want, and finance it yourself.

Your parents also pay for half of your insurance? You’re lucky! At your age I did not even have a car at my disposal- I didn’t get one until my senior year in college when I could afford it myself. It also sounds like you go to private school- I assume your parents are paying for that?

If you are that tired and think you are doing too much, maybe you could drop one of your extracurricular activities. I agree with the poster who said perhaps you don’t appreciate your dad either.

 

[Xantippe]

Stephen L said:

“So I am a busy kid! I have school and am a B average student and I involved in The Student discipline committee, Student Environmental Agency, Track and Field, Plus I work from usually 530 or 630 to close which varies on how busy we are. Wednesday nights I help assist my teacher at Teaching in our local parish. In Fact our leading Sister offered me to teach my own class as a senior in High School next year. I am honored and feel so privileged for this opportunity. Yet, my Dad says in an uninterested way “cool”.”

It sounds like you are working so you can pay gas and half the insurance so you can get to work. You might want to sit down with your dad, show him the math, and explain how much you are clearing from your job after deductions and car expenses.

See if you can just work during the summer instead. I know jobs are tight (especially for young workers), but you sound like a good enough employee and a good enough kid that you should be able to negotiate something with your manager or with somebody else.

Also, which of your extracurriculars can you drop?

“I get all the time lectured about how I am going to afford school. His options for me are the Military or Community College.”

As somebody was mentioning earlier, would it really be loving of him to encourage you to take out $50k-$100k in loans?

If you can figure out how to make sure that you maximize credits transferred (and that can be a real trick), doing community college for the first two years of college is financially a very good idea. Bear in mind that if your dad is providing you a place to live and meals for those two years, that is a very substantial contribution to your college funding, even if he isn’t paying actual tuition.

It may be phrased gruffly, but your dad has your best interests at heart. Just read a few of the student loan horror stories and you’ll see what I mean.

nytimes.com/2010/05/29/your-money/student-loans/29money.html

“I have to pay for half my insurance and all my gas.”

As people have mentioned, that’s totally normal. When I was your age, I had no car and certainly nobody was chipping in half of the insurance.

“I am just tired. My teacher told me I looked extremely tired and said I was slurring my words. I am doing this for my Dad and yet I feel I get no praise no Love from him.”

Don’t do it for him. Figure out what works for you and your future (broadly understood–your spiritual welfare as well as your material welfare) and do that instead.

“Food and shelter doesn’t count as love.”

But if he didn’t give you food and shelter, would that count as not loving you? I haven’t read the book that everybody talks about on love languages, but working may be his love language.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

In the words of my Mother, “Stephen no matter what you do it will never be good enough”

This really jumped at me. If your mother thinks this, chances are you are not the only person who does not feel appreciated and loved by him. Perhaps she has experienced the same, and so understands your situation.

If your dad is indeed the type of person who is impossible to please, then you will never be good enough. The goal will be set higher and higher, and something will always be missing. I know what this is like, since my father is this type of person. My only advice is that you are grateful for what he gives you (and I’m sure you are), but that you don’t work in order to get his approval, since you will never be good enough. Do things for yourself. Do not value your achievements based on his reactions.

It would also help if you could talk to a trusted adult about your future, just to get a different perspective. Some people are quite pessimistic and see limits and obstacles everywhere. Talking to someone who has a different perspective and has a different style - encouraging rather than defeating - could help you feel better about your options.

I’m sure things will work out. Just don’t let anyone crush your spirit, even if it is your own dad.

 

[Maine52]

Somehow, I feel like you don’t appreciate your dad either.

Well, I think both of them need to see things from the other’s perspective. Stephen can show appreciation to his father for providing food and shelter. At the same time, his father can try to understand that he is hurting his son’s feelings, and that his child has emotional needs, along with the need for food and shelter, that need to be met.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Is his dad terrible for asking him to pay for gas and half of the insurance on the car he drives? . Is there something wrong with the very affordable options of community college or the military? Would it be better if his dad encouraged him to take out huge student loans that he will spend the next two decades trying to pay off? .

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, his dad seems uninterested in considering another point of view. And at the end of the day, Stephen is suppose to be discerning God’s will for him not his dad’s will. And it does not seem as the OP is complaining about those things just stating them. IMO the OP is coming across as very responsible

As tired as this poster feels every night, Stephen has only been doing it for a few years at most, while his dad has likely been working for longer than Stephen’s been alive. If his dad has been out of work, he’d have even more reason for concern about finances. Does his dad hear positive words of encouragement and thanks? Not likely. Instead, his son writes a long post telling how his father doesn’t appreciate him.

I agree his dad has more life experience which is why his dad should understand what it is to be a teenager, he was one once himself. The OP is not expected to know what it is to be an adult, he has never been one. Name one teenager that is always thanking their parents It is extremely normal for teenager to NOT understanding their parents position.

Not every father gives off warm and fuzzy feelings. Many of them express their love by going to a job every day in order to provide food and shelter for their families. For that, they deserve respect and thanks.

Perhaps not, but most teenagers need those warm fuzzy feelings. Again, most teenagers don’t give respect and thanks while they are teenagers. The respect and thanks usually comes once the child is an adult and can appreciate what the father did. Most adults know that.

If this young man wants to have a heart-to-heart with his father, I suggest he start by honestly and sincerely thanking his father for all that he’s done for him instead of complaining about what he hasn’t done.

I suspect the OP has tried on several occasions to have a heart to heart with his dad and has gotten no where. That is what pushed him to post here

Angie

 

[leanuss]

Somehow, I feel like you don’t appreciate your dad either.

I too feel the same. Motivate yourself to do good.

 

[runwaymodel]

Perhaps not, but most teenagers need those warm fuzzy feelings. Again, most teenagers don’t give respect and thanks while they are teenagers. The respect and thanks usually comes once the child is an adult and can appreciate what the father did. Most adults know that.

I suspect the OP has tried on several occasions to have a heart to heart with his dad and has gotten no where. That is what pushed him to post here

Angie

I couldn’t agree more with the bolded part. It is especially important for kids to get as much love from their parents (at least one of them) before adulthood. I tend to have noticed that’s where a lot of problems stem from: Kids not feeling loved or supported and then trying to fill that void with bad things.
OP, have you tried enlisting your Mother to help speak with your Dad? Sometimes adults think teenagers don’t know what they’re talking about, but if your mother sided with your situation, he may approach things differently.
Best of luck to you.