I fell like my marriage is ending

[whatevergirl]

okay all- here is what he says happened: school dismissed at about 9am and he was seriously behind on his paperwork. in addition to teaching he takes 2 classes each semester to finish his second MA. He says that he just wanted to stay in school for a few hours and get things caught up since he has an evaluation with the principal coming up and didn’t want all this mess in his room. HE said that he knew if he came home I could ask him to do some housework ( I would) so he stayed there. Also, he figured if he came home early, Mom would probably drop DD at home and he wouldn’t be able to get the paperwork done there either. I can tell that he IS sorry, but we still really need to do the talking to work this thing through.

I see–so fear of housework! That would do it for me!

Seriously though–I’m glad things seem to be working out.

 

[BlestOne]

I see–so fear of housework! That would do it for me!

Seriously though–I’m glad things seem to be working out.

I thought the exact same thing!!!

 

[smswife]

While you say you can see that your anger problems are getting better, that doesn’t mean that he sees it, or trusts it.

If throwing a phone is not unusual behavior for you, and you are still doing it, I don’t blame him for being afraid to make you angry, especially if he saw that you were still fuming after arguing with your parents.

If you were a man, and your dw was describing having a phone thrown at her, most people on these forums would be calling you an abuser giving advice about escaping from domestic violence. Can you see that your DH may still have reason to be afraid of your temper?

You report 10 lies in 8 years and are ready to give up on your marriage, and the example you give seems to me to be justified on the basis of his self-preservation. From what you’ve told us, it seems to me that the biggest problem in your marriage may be your violent temper, not your husband’s lying to avoid it.

I am happy to read that prayer and time before the Blessed Sacrament has helped you. Please don’t stop that, but also get yourself some serious counseling on anger management.

I hope this is helpful. Remember that I only know what you have told us. I will pray for you and dh.

 

[dulcissima]

While you say you can see that your anger problems are getting better, that doesn’t mean that he sees it, or trusts it.

If throwing a phone is not unusual behavior for you, and you are still doing it, I don’t blame him for being afraid to make you angry, especially if he saw that you were still fuming after arguing with your parents.

If you were a man, and your dw was describing having a phone thrown at her, most people on these forums would be calling you an abuser giving advice about escaping from domestic violence. Can you see that your DH may still have reason to be afraid of your temper?

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[anamchara]

yes, once upon a time I WAS that kind of controlling wife. Always nitpicking at him, always asking him questions and always putting him under the microscope. In the past two years I have asked Blessed Mother to guide me to be a better mom and wife and I believe that through her intervention I have loosened up and become a loving, trusting and comforting wife who is calm. I am not worried about any sort if infidelity issues. We don’t have the internet, and we share a cell line so I can screen all in and out calls. I just don’t have any worries about that. I DO agree that he probably just wants to slide in beneath the radar,so to speak. twk

I wonder how is it your posting in here if you have no internet?

I would work more on the controlling part lol, you say you have no worries but then have a share cell line (not even sure what that is) and seem to watch his every move. What concerns me is the big fight you got into with your parents and how they seem to way too involved with your marriage. He probably feels like he is married to three people. My dear, keep your parents out of your marriage bussines.

 

[dulcissima]

yes, once upon a time I WAS that kind of controlling wife. Always nitpicking at him, always asking him questions and always putting him under the microscope. In the past two years I have asked Blessed Mother to guide me to be a better mom and wife and I believe that through her intervention I have loosened up and become a loving, trusting and comforting wife who is calm. I am not worried about any sort if infidelity issues. We don’t have the internet, and we share a cell line so I can screen all in and out calls. I just don’t have any worries about that. I DO agree that he probably just wants to slide in beneath the radar,so to speak. twk

I don’t know if this is something that I have missed in previous posts…but has your husband previously cheated on you? I am not sure why you feel that you have to share a cell line and screen all in and out calls. It sounds like your husband is totally lacking in privacy and autonomy. All that I am getting from this series of posts is that your husband works as a teacher and is going to school to get a second master’s degree, yet all of his time must be accounted to you and your parents otherwise he is viewed as shirking his responsibilities to clean the house and look after the kids. So, I am just wondering if there is more to the story than what is in this thread, because I just don’t understand otherwise.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

okay all- here is what he says happened: school dismissed at about 9am and he was seriously behind on his paperwork. in addition to teaching he takes 2 classes each semester to finish his second MA. He says that he just wanted to stay in school for a few hours and get things caught up since he has an evaluation with the principal coming up and didn’t want all this mess in his room. HE said that he knew if he came home I could ask him to do some housework ( I would) so he stayed there. Also, he figured if he came home early, Mom would probably drop DD at home and he wouldn’t be able to get the paperwork done there either. I can tell that he IS sorry, but we still really need to do the talking to work this thing through.

My husband is a professional adjunct of philosophy. He goes to an average of 10 different classes a week in 3 brick-and-mortars, along with a strictly online school. This IS something he would do. There are tons of working computers, files, free copiers, all that good stuff. He has a home office, but if he can do the work for one particular group once in a while on-site, he does.

What I reddened is what I believe would have happened. Mom and Dad clearly see the baby-sitting as an imposition, no matter what they say. It appears they feel it is OK, as the baby-sitter, to set your husband’s hours for him.

As soon as you can find another circumstance, you need to find another sitter. And you need not to share with Mom so much. And you need to go talk with your priest- together (DH and you, not Mom and Dad).

And your parents owe your husband AND you an apology. I don’t care how often they watch your DD. They have no right to tell your DH how to do his job.

 

[anamchara]

And your parents owe your husband AND you an apology. I don’t care how often they watch your DD. They have no right to tell your DH how to do his job.

If my mother asked me “What did B do all day?” and I said “work” and mom announced his work was closed for the day because she saw it on TV. I’d simply say “hmm, don’t know then” and my mom would just drop it there. Neither one of us thinking anything about it. I would go home then ask my husband. End of story. It’s called normal healthy relationships. I would say there is a serious trust issue here.

Was the mom baiting? sorta sounds like it. That is another issue.

Prayers…seriously.

 

[SeekerJen]

okay all- here is what he says happened: school dismissed at about 9am and he was seriously behind on his paperwork. in addition to teaching he takes 2 classes each semester to finish his second MA. He says that he just wanted to stay in school for a few hours and get things caught up since he has an evaluation with the principal coming up and didn’t want all this mess in his room. HE said that he knew if he came home I could ask him to do some housework ( I would) so he stayed there. Also, he figured if he came home early, Mom would probably drop DD at home and he wouldn’t be able to get the paperwork done there either. I can tell that he IS sorry, but we still really need to do the talking to work this thing through.

Why is he sorry? He was doing work during his normally scheduled work time. I think perhaps you and your parents owe him an apology for jumping to the worst conclusions about him. I don’t blame him one bit for clamming up; I would too if I had my spouse and in-laws accusing me of things I didn’t do as soon as I got home, and throwing phones at me.

BTW did your parents try calling him at work to see if he wanted them to bring your daughter home, or did they just assume the worst of him?

 

[ljprevo]

I have a question, were or would you be upset for him staying at work to get caught up? Would you have wanted him to be home? Is that 100% fair to him? Also I agree with the others, dragging your parents into this is not fair to him either.

My wife is a teacher and trust me, before I met her, I never gave teachers the credit they deserve.

Be honest about the 1st question. Cause he could be afraid of you. You post do seem to have a controlling sound.

Get a chance, read the 2nd and 3rd post in this thread

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=210097

Do you agree with any of them.

My wife if she got to work and then they cancelled, she would want to stay and get caught up. I work from home and if our kids got sent home, it would be nice that she came back home to watch the kids, however if they were at a sitter, like yours was, then I know it would be nice to relieve them, yet maybe there should be some soul searching to see why your husband is lying.

Is he hiding something, is he afraid of you? I understand if he came home early he would be subject to losing a whole day of work and be at the will of the wife.

I get that with my wife to, I have had to put my foot down and say “Just because I work from home I can’t be expect to be house husband” My wife had the notion that I could do chores during the day during my breaks.
I was like whoa, hold up here. I am a programmer and my job is very stressful mentally, when I get a break I need to decompress, that is why it is called a break, I don’t mind doing lil things. I deserve my breaks like everyone else.
I asked her, do you do house work on your lunch? No you take a break.
Why am I saying this, I was not afraid to tell my wife. However not all people are this easy. Does your husband have pressure why he is lying?

Take a deep breath and think of “Him”. Couples need that space. He may have the fear that “Good grief, I go home early she will snag me and make me do other things, when this is a chance to get caught up” (Personally, I know what my wife goes through and she was taking her MA as well) Time is VERY, VERY crapped.

I think if that is the case, I would recommend being nice to him and not blowing up at him, the more do that the more he will be afraid to be open with you.

I am praying for you both.

 

[blossom02]

TWK don’t think of yourself as bad for the actions of others. You were not the one that lied. We are all very hurt when a spouse lies to us and all of the other posters saying you are controling makes no sense. A husband and wife are one and we are to give ourselves to that other person. You have been very honest with your behavior and that tells me that you are willing to improve. Getting angry about things that hurt us is normal. Throwing things is somthing I think most of the people posting here would have to work to control if they were lied to by their spouse. After all Jesus got angry too. Remember Him using a whip and over turning the tables in the temple due to anger about sinful behavior.

I’m not saying that we don’t need to work on anger. We do. We must also work on honesty and keeping our spouse informed so that suspicion doesn’t occur. We are responsible for our own actions and cannot blame the past or someone else for what we do. Just try blaming someone else for your sin in a confessional.

 

[ljprevo]

TWK don’t think of yourself as bad for the actions of others. You were not the one that lied. We are all very hurt when a spouse lies to us and all of the other posters saying you are controling makes no sense. A husband and wife are one and we are to give ourselves to that other person. You have been very honest with your behavior and that tells me that you are willing to improve. Getting angry about things that hurt us is normal. Throwing things is somthing I think most of the people posting here would have to work to control if they were lied to by their spouse. After all Jesus got angry too. Remember Him using a whip and over turning the tables in the temple due to anger about sinful behavior.

I’m not saying that we don’t need to work on anger. We do. We must also work on honesty and keeping our spouse informed so that suspicion doesn’t occur. We are responsible for our own actions and cannot blame the past or someone else for what we do. Just try blaming someone else for your sin in a confessional.

I totally agree, a marriage is not one sided, honestly there is a lot of compromise between both that needs to be done.

The example I gave previously about doing work. I did tell me wife, I could do a “little” house work. I do eliminate getting ready for work and driving. I get up every morning the same time as my wife and get breakfast etc for the kids. I do unload the dishes from the night before and take out what we will have for dinner. So I will do things while working from home, I just wouldn’t do “everything”

Why did I bring up my case? It is good to have examples. It is a balance and that balance is between the spouses.

Lying is very serious however I would want to know why my spouse is lying. I know it is upsetting and even makes you mad, but try and keep open mind and get to the root why your husband would be lying. If it was because he was afraid then I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY suggest getting that worked out and as a good wife help your husband to not lie get to the issue with why he is lying.

Again, many, many prayers for you, your husband, and your child.

 

[rayne89]

I have so been in you position. First please go on a Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille weekend. Second it is going to take your husband a looooooonnnggg time trust that you will not blow a gasket and that you are not trying to control him, especially since you are still doing it .

I know your frustration because I have been there -the lies continue long after you feel you changed. You husband obviously believes you would have been angry if he told you he wanted to stay at work and catch up instead of come home and help you with house work. And as long as he feels you are in relationship that is basically parent/child he will continue to act the way he does. He is acting like the child that lies to keep from being punished.

You are going to need major patience. You are going to need to learn to zip you lip even when you feel justified (Think is this worth it? Is this something I will care about 5 years from now?Or is it better to suck it up in the name of healing our marriage?) and you are going to have to go out of your way to let your husband feel he is free to make regular day to day decisions without constantly checking for your approval.

It’s a lot of work but as a former controling spouse this is a monster of our own making. It took about 7 years of hard work and I know my husband still has to fight the instinct to lie over little inconquential things if he feels I won’t approve. My husband comes from an abusive background with a controling father, this was a learned behavior of protection.

If by some miracle he calls and says honey school closed early and I really would like to stay and finish up some work, even if the dog ripped a hole in your sofa, your child has had six temper tantrums so far and you’ve got dishes piled to ceiling you will have to grit you teeth and say in the most loving, convincing tone you can manage “sure honey.” Because it is the way you will rebuild the trust, how you restore the balance to a husband/wife relationship from a parent/child relationship. Once he feels confident that he can trust you will not chuck a phone at his head or read him the riot act things will improve.

It’s going to take time and lots of it. Retrouvaille (or marriage encounter) is a great way to kick start the healing process. Please, please consider it.

Oh and take your parents out of this equation altogether. What your husband does or doesn’t do is none of their business.