I get no respect

[scapulardevotee]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

 

[LSK]

yes, it is wrong to consider divorce right now, but that is only my opinion.

May I offer a suggestion?

Sit down with her and tell her very calmly and lovingly what her pain actions and behaviors are causing you.

“When you roll your eyes and let go with an exasperated sigh, I feel disrespected and unloved. It happens so often I am beginning to feel as though you would prefer we no longer be together as husband and wife. Is this your intention or were you unaware that your actions are causing me this kind of pain?”.

I guarantee she will be hurt and defensive at first. You will have to sit through a lot of ‘but but but’ or ‘you are too sensitive’ or other deflection. When it is all finished, ask her this:

“When you react that way, what are you hoping will happen? Are you hoping I will perform the task better or are you simply hoping to hurt me? If you are hoping I perform the task better, it is not working. If, however, you are hoping to hurt me, you are succeeding.”.

I also hope you are willing to examine this on your part and make sure you are not over reacting.

I hope I have not overstepped my bounds by suggesting that, and if by doing so I have hurt your feelings I apologize as it was not my intention.

 

[pensmama87]

yes, it is wrong to consider divorce right now, but that is only my opinion.

May I offer a suggestion?

Sit down with her and tell her very calmly and lovingly what her pain actions and behaviors are causing you.

“When you roll your eyes and let go with an exasperated sigh, I feel disrespected and unloved. It happens so often I am beginning to feel as though you would prefer we no longer be together as husband and wife. Is this your intention or were you unaware that your actions are causing me this kind of pain?”.

I guarantee she will be hurt and defensive at first. You will have to sit through a lot of ‘but but but’ or ‘you are too sensitive’ or other deflection. When it is all finished, ask her this:

“When you react that way, what are you hoping will happen? Are you hoping I will perform the task better or are you simply hoping to hurt me? If you are hoping I perform the task better, it is not working. If, however, you are hoping to hurt me, you are succeeding.”.

I also hope you are willing to examine this on your part and make sure you are not over reacting.

I hope I have not overstepped my bounds by suggesting that, and if by doing so I have hurt your feelings I apologize as it was not my intention.

This is very good advice.

 

[runningdude]

…

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

While divorce should be treated as a last resort, a separation period may be in order, particularly if PSK’s advice does not work out.

You have a duty to your daughter to stay as healthy as you can, and if a toxic relationship with your wife is wearing you down, stepping aside may be the best option. When you have stabilized your emotional and mental health, you will be better be able to discern (with your counselor’s help) the causes of you and wife’s problems, and whether they could be successfully addressed.

If you and you wife do live apart, you have an extra special duty to stay involved in your daughter’s life.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

What you describe is a horrible spouse. I have to wonder, did this happen before you were married. Why did you choose to be with someone who is rude and has contempt for men?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and** I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal. **

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

(Bolding Mine) Well, even if you stay, your daughter doesn’t necessarily have to watch her dad be treated like this and think it’s normal. You can stand up for yourself.

I’m not talking about a knock-down-drag-out because you lost your keys and your wife reacted impatiently. But I am saying that when she sighs, or rolls her eyes, or gets snippy, it is fair for you to raise an eyebrow and tersely say “Excuse me, but is there something that you would like to talk about?”, or “I’m sorry, but I don’t think that I deserve to be talked to that way”. Often times people don’t realize at the time how exasperated or impatient they sound, and firmly pointing it out can correct it on the spot. This is how my husband and I handle each others moods and it usually works. A harsh tone just lets the other one know that we aren’t going to put up with this. If there’s a problem, spit it out and we’ll deal with it. Otherwise, change your attitude. That’s essentially the message.

Does your wife acknowledge this is a problem? I know you said you’ve talked about it, but does she agree that it’s something to work on or does she tell you you’re making this up/blowing it out of proportion? If she agrees that it’s a problem, then you already have a great start. She does not have an obligation to be a perfect wife, that’s impossible. But she does have an obligation to do her best (as do you). I’m a pretty naturally impatient person, and one thing that helps me immensely is exercise. Running a few miles around the neighborhood gets a lot of that energy out, it doesn’t cost anything, and it doesn’t take long. When she starts to feel grumpy, she needs to grab her phone/mp3 player/iPod/whatever, listen to her favorite music, and hit the pavement. There’s a good chance she’ll come back feeling more relaxed and even-headed. (There are lots of other ways to quickly clear your head and get rid of that inappropriate aggressiveness too. It really depends on what works for her.)

If she doesn’t see this as a problem, then you are well within your rights to insist on counseling. If she won’t go, then you go by yourself. Make your top priority in counseling learning how to stand up to your wife in a healthy way, and provide a strong, positive role model for your child. You really don’t want her to see you belittled every day.

I would think really long and hard about divorce. Anything short of abuse, a substance problem, or infidelity is pretty minor compared to the damage that both spouses and the kids suffer as a result of divorce. While I understand that sighing and eye rolling are hurtful and annoying, it’s not like she’s cussing you out or outright tearing you down.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

I guess you have brought this issue up with her.that you are not her Dad, your nothing like her Dad, but you seem to be treated that way. you just need to tell her that your just about at the end of your rope, and something needs to be done, and done Now, not next month or next year… tell her you love her heaps but this has got to stop.
you need Both to go to Councelling and you will be there for her every inch of the way…

 

[bisco]

have you talked to your pastor?

 

[ClearWater]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

Had you tried marital counseling? If your wife won’t go, I’d encourage you to go without her, in the meantime.

Not to condone your wife’s behavior or blame you, if you were depressed, but in the meantime, can you get on an antidepressant to help ease this?

With counseling, whether or not your wife goes, you need someone neutral to vent to about all this, privately. A professional counselor is also bound by confidentiality not to reveal this to others. So, you can hash this out, explore your options.

That abuse needs to stop.

I thought we actually did have the right to divorce, provided we remained chaste after the fact, did not try to remarry.

Although, divorce is really hard. You would probably be expected to maintain, not one, but 2 households, have to pay alimony and child support, in addition to your own living expenses.

You’d need to pay for a divorce attorney in all probability, court costs.

Divorce is brutal.

And…if there is a child involved, you might have to fight a legal battle for what kind of custody you’d have. You would probably always have to deal with your ex-wife in one capacity or another, anyway.

So, this is why I also would recommend trying counseling with her, if she’d be amenable, because whether or not you stay together as a couple, you will still always have to deal with her on some level, due to the child you share.

It’s generally prudent to try options first, but it does concern me how she is reacting, makes me wonder if it could change. Still, if you didn’t at least try counseling, I think you’d always have that doubt.

If you try, and it fails, at least you could say, in good conscience, that you left no stone unturned, tried your best.

 

[ClearWater]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

:hug1:

That’s awful! I’m so sorry this is happening.

Are you in individual counseling, or marital counseling?

In the meantime, can you try an antidepressant, to take the edge off?

I am unsure of the policies on this. I thought it was acceptable to divorce and never remarry, live a chaste life, but surely someone on the forum can confirm that.

It’s a shame you can’t go to counseling with your wife, because you will always have her in one form or another, especially if you have a child together. You might have a custody battle…to pay alimony, child support, visitation rights, etc.

Still, I understand the feeling. It’s hard to be disrepected everyday. We weren’t designed for that.

 

[tryphon]

I always believed in the indissoluble, but these past few years have been a constant test of that. My wife grew up with a father who was a jerk and so everyone (mother and siblings and her) made it a point to express their contempt for the man pretty openly.

Now we’re married and I seem to be occupying that place. Not a day goes by when her eyes aren’t rolling or an annoyed sigh isn’t coming across her lips for something or other. The other night I couldn’t find something and, rather than be patient, she said, “For God’s sake, look over there!” - today it was something else. I get that every once and a while people slip, but this is an EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY OCCURRENCE. We try to talk, but it never gets anywhere.

This may sound like a minor thing, but it is really wearing me down. I’m at the point where I am in therapy, suffering from depression, thinking bad things. We got a baby together and I’m imagining her growing up watching her dad be continually treated like this thinking its normal.

Am I wrong to consider divorce? I’d remain chaste for the rest of my life, I’m not gonna go chasing anyone else. I just can’t take this anymore.

I speak from experience, unfortunately. Your wife will not stop treating you this way, in fact it will probably get worse. What happened in my marriage is that after a while she started treating our daughter the same way. While I could take the tantrums, screams and contempt, it was having a very destructive effect on our 8 year old daughter. In my opinion, you are better off separating from your abusive wife. It will reduce the tension in the household and hopefully your daughter will be able to share both parents separately. I wish I could give you a more Catholic answer and be more optimistic, but I tried it and failed. You say that you will remain celibate and I think that should allow you to partake in the Holy Communion. God bless you and your family! Think of your daughter’s well being above all else.

 

[ClearWater]

I speak from experience, unfortunately. Your wife will not stop treating you this way, in fact it will probably get worse. What happened in my marriage is that after a while she started treating our daughter the same way. While I could take the tantrums, screams and contempt, it was having a very destructive effect on our 8 year old daughter. In my opinion, you are better off separating from your abusive wife. It will reduce the tension in the household and hopefully your daughter will be able to share both parents separately. I wish I could give you a more Catholic answer and be more optimistic, but I tried it and failed. You say that you will remain celibate and I think that should allow you to partake in the Holy Communion. God bless you and your family! Think of your daughter’s well being above all else.

I tend to agree that generally speaking, people don´t change.

 

[mariemargaret]

This is a very common situation and divorce is a too-common but tragic solution. I have a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful:

First, go together to couple’s counseling, preferably Catholic. Be open and honest with your wife about how you feel and how important it is to work together to solve the problems in your marriage.

Second, look at your own behavior. You mention a baby. Is your wife exhausted? Are you being extra attentive to her, the baby, and the household? Is she snapping at you because she is having to do extra for you when she has no extra to give? I’m not trying to be critical, but having a baby is a huge shift in a relationship.

Third, she grew up in an unhealthy environment, where her father was openly treated with contempt. Does she realize that this was an unhealthy way to express dislike for the behavior of her father? She may not really understand this, and her reaction to you may be what first pops into her head to do when frustrated with anyone’s behavior. She will hopefully be willing to understand that this is not healthy for the marriage, and to work to change this behavior. Couple’s therapy can help with this too.

When you go to couples therapy, both of you need to remember that you should both want what is best for the other. She should not say or do things that make you feel bad, whether she means to make you feel bad or not. And, after asking her if there is anything that you are doing or not doing that is making her feel bad, you should want to figure out what you can do so that she doesn’t feel bad.

It will take both of you working together, but it is not insurmountable if you are both willing. Good luck!

 

[Eliza10]

It does sound bad. Separation is always a possibility, but not always wise. Gregory Popcak is a scapular-lover too and his counseling service is great and Catholic and WISE advice for couples. Also his books. You can do it all over the phone! It will not be a waste, I assure you.

I recommend that first, but also I cannot help but think you *could *have personality mismatches that understanding and skills can help you overcome. I have found Socionics - the 16 types based on Jung very much like Meyers-Briggs type indicator (MBTI)- to be very helpful. But Socionics is more helpful than MBTI because of the relationship types. You find out your type and your spouse’s. Each type, in combo with another, makes a different relationship type (so, 16 *different *relationship types). Some relationship types are a real challenge to one spouse more than the other (“Supervision” and “Benefit”) and others are a *real *challenge to BOTH - like “Conflictor”.

This might be extra helpful to you if you are finding other people’s very good-sounding advice just isn’t working for you. Other people might be in one of the easier one of the 16 relationship types, while you are in the more difficult. It is helpful then to see that your relations are following the natural course for your relationship type! Its not just something wrong with you! And if you are in one of these more negative relations, understanding each others different ways of seeing things helps. And there are articles written with suggestions for making the more difficult relations do-able. I have two friends in Conflictor Relations that have had their years of serious conflict and yet are successful now (with continued effort!). There is a lot on Internet on Socionics so I will let you hunt if that sounds useful to you.

But really look into Popcak’s counseling first. It helps to have some professional guidance when things get to this point. Its awful hard to navigate this on your own, and you probably sense that you can’t - which is why you want to leave now. You should not be in this alone - a good counselor will know* just* what you are in, and help you through it. Try this! You would never forgive yourself for giving up without a good try for real help, first.

God bless you.