I hate being single

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Binto

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I know I’m young (24 guy), but so a lot of my friends have serious long term relationships. Many of them are getting married. It’s hard. I just saw an aquantice at mass with her boyfriend. I know they spend all their time together and make each other really happy. I just hate that I’m missing that.

My past five years have been really hard. I’ve struggled with psychosis and alcoholism. I’ve been sober for 5 months and my brain is healing wonderfully. However, seeing all these hookups is rough. I feel like ive missed out. Ithe makes it hard to have faith and hope. It really feels like it’s never going to happen. I have a horrible thought in the back of my head that tells me there will NEVER be a beautiful, holy girl to meet and marry on the horizion.

I’m an INFJ so I struggle with over thinking and self criticism. It sucks. I wish I could be at peace with being single. I just never have been.

Thoughts?
 
Binto said:
I know I’m young (24 guy), but so a lot of my friends have serious long term relationships. Many of them are getting married. It’s hard. I just saw an aquantice at mass with her boyfriend. I know they spend all their time together and make each other really happy. I just hate that I’m missing that.

My past five years have been really hard. I’ve struggled with psychosis and alcoholism. I’ve been sober for 5 months and my brain is healing wonderfully. However, seeing all these hookups is rough. I feel like ive missed out. Ithe makes it hard to have faith and hope. It really feels like it’s never going to happen. I have a horrible thought in the back of my head that tells me there will NEVER be a beautiful, holy girl to meet and marry on the horizion.

I’m an INFJ so I struggle with over thinking and self criticism. It sucks. I wish I could be at peace with being single. I just never have been.

Thoughts?
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The interweb (not a psychologist or a psychiatrist) says I am an INFJ, I’m not sure I believe it. Two of my ex girlfriends have children, and one has been widowed, and another was married I think either early this year or some time last year. I am 28, I have a hard time getting a job, and I can’t live by myself. I have Aspergers Syndrome, which I NEVER use as an excuse, but I feel like it scares other folks off.
 
adamhovey1988 said:
The interweb (not a psychologist or a psychiatrist) says I am an INFJ, I’m not sure I believe it. Two of my ex girlfriends have children, and one has been widowed, and another was married I think either early this year or some time last year. I am 28, I have a hard time getting a job, and I can’t live by myself. I have Aspergers Syndrome, which I NEVER use as an excuse, but I feel like it scares other folks off.
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Why do you think that’s evidence you’re not an INFJ? To me that sounds more situational that psychological 🙂

Btw, to everyone else, you caught me in sort of a rant. Being single can be a cross though!! My priest tells me this is the perfect opportunity to make myself a better man for my future wife. I’m starting to pray for her which is probably a good habit. I just think getting a girl of my standards is too good a deal to be true. I had a buddy tell me to “marry out of my league”. I’m taking that to heart. If she’s into the faith like I am, I will be sooooooo grateful. I shouldn’t limit God to what he can do.

How do I perceive what she’s gonna be like holiness wise? What are some good tips to start expecting a girl that is holier than me? That’s not unrealistic is it?
 
Binto said:
I know I’m young (24 guy), but so a lot of my friends have serious long term relationships. Many of them are getting married. It’s hard. I just saw an aquantice at mass with her boyfriend. I know they spend all their time together and make each other really happy. I just hate that I’m missing that.

My past five years have been really hard. I’ve struggled with psychosis and alcoholism. I’ve been sober for 5 months and my brain is healing wonderfully. However, seeing all these hookups is rough. I feel like ive missed out. Ithe makes it hard to have faith and hope. It really feels like it’s never going to happen. I have a horrible thought in the back of my head that tells me there will NEVER be a beautiful, holy girl to meet and marry on the horizion.

I’m an INFJ so I struggle with over thinking and self criticism. It sucks. I wish I could be at peace with being single. I just never have been.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Binto, congratulations on being sober! It sounds like you are taking steps toward being a better person. I know you are comparing yourself to others, but you shouldn’t. Keep moving toward doing things in your life to make yourself the kind of guy that would be a good husband and father someday. Maybe you aren’t there yet in that place though. Keep praying to God that he will help you and heal you, and he will bring you someone, if and when the time is right. You might not think so, but you are young. Give your worries to God and trust in him. 🙂
 
Binto said:
I know I’m young (24 guy), but so a lot of my friends have serious long term relationships. Many of them are getting married. It’s hard. I just saw an aquantice at mass with her boyfriend. I know they spend all their time together and make each other really happy. I just hate that I’m missing that.

My past five years have been really hard. I’ve struggled with psychosis and alcoholism. I’ve been sober for 5 months and my brain is healing wonderfully. However, seeing all these hookups is rough. I feel like ive missed out. Ithe makes it hard to have faith and hope. It really feels like it’s never going to happen. I have a horrible thought in the back of my head that tells me there will NEVER be a beautiful, holy girl to meet and marry on the horizion.

I’m an INFJ so I struggle with over thinking and self criticism. It sucks. I wish I could be at peace with being single. I just never have been.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I married for the first [and only!] time at age 30…happily married for 38 years…a good friend just married last month - he and his bride are both first-timers at 37.

There’s no need to be in a hurry…continue to grow…become active in your parish…pray - a lot! You’re making terrific progress…when you’re ready, it’ll happen…
 
Irishmom2 said:
Binto, congratulations on being sober! It sounds like you are taking steps toward being a better person. I know you are comparing yourself to others, but you shouldn’t. Keep moving toward doing things in your life to make yourself the kind of guy that would be a good husband and father someday. Maybe you aren’t there yet in that place though. Keep praying to God that he will help you and heal you, and he will bring you someone, if and when the time is right. You might not think so, but you are young. Give your worries to God and trust in him. 🙂
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You know, I was just thinking today that I really am not quite ready to start a family. But that’s not my fault!! I was born with this cross!! God and I need to take care of my more serious issues before I can lead a family. I think he’d rather I start a family long term sober than be still drinking (which a lot of alcoholics do). It really is a blessing in disguise. I’m just differant. I need to accept it and rejoice that I am a unique child of God!!
 
Binto,
5 Months Sober :clapping:
(Where’s a high-five smilie when you need one?)

Hey, give yourself more time to heal.
I get it - this sucks; however, relationships look all great and s’mores (hmm, melted chocolate and marshmallows - yummm) on the surface, yet even the best are a lot of work and often stressful. Stress can be a trigger back in to addictive behaviors. Give yourself time to heal, to setup a strong support network of friends (and hopefully family). The relationships will develop over time.

Lots of Prayers for you!
:gopray:
 
I think maybe you hit on something when you said you might not be ready. Another suggestion: instead of focusing on the high standard you have for the woman you would like to marry, how about working on making yourself meet that standard? You’re doing great (5 months is huge!)–just keep on keepin’ on.

In the meantime, you should pray for the intercession of Sr. Ignatia Gavin. Sister Ignatia was Sister of Charity of St. Augustine, who was a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. She also had some psychological problems of her own. I think she could be of great help to you. Here are a couple of articles about her:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Ignatia

barefootsworld.net/aasisterignatia.html

There is also a published biography of her: Mary Darrah, "Sister Ignatia – Angel of Alcoholics Anonymous.
 
nunsuch, thank you so much for those links! How is it that Sr. Ignatia is not a household name? I had never heard of her until today. What a wonderful, faith filled woman. Thanks again for sharing. 🙂
 
nunsuch said:
I think maybe you hit on something when you said you might not be ready. Another suggestion: instead of focusing on the high standard you have for the woman you would like to marry, how about working on making yourself meet that standard? You’re doing great (5 months is huge!)–just keep on keepin’ on.

In the meantime, you should pray for the intercession of Sr. Ignatia Gavin. Sister Ignatia was Sister of Charity of St. Augustine, who was a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. She also had some psychological problems of her own. I think she could be of great help to you. Here are a couple of articles about her:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Ignatia

barefootsworld.net/aasisterignatia.html

There is also a published biography of her: Mary Darrah, "Sister Ignatia – Angel of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Wow this is great!! What a find!! The Church played a HUGE role in the founding of AA.

Blessings!
 
You will be in my prayers as your thread has really touched me. I know you don’t want to hear this but you have a lot of years ahead, God willing, and you must be patient. Conquering your addiction is such a wonderful accomplishment, congratulations. Now spend time with God seeking His help as you look for a mate. There is a group on here, you’ll have to look for it, that prays for their future spouses. Be patient and you will see how God works in our lives. God bless you.
 
The coins or tokens that AA members receive and carry to mark their progress are based on the Miraculous Medals that Sister Ignatia gave “her” men. 🙂

I agree that she should be better known, and I’m glad I was able to bring her to the attention of at least the people here.
 
I’m an infj too 🙂

Don’t sweat it, improve on yourself. You’ve come such a long way!!
 
Healing takes time. And also time will help you in whatever the future holds for you, be it marriage or singleness, But please take full responsibility and not “it is not my fault”

Blessings and prayers
 
Another INFJ here too.

I’m single at 26 and am past feeling bad about it. A few years ago my other Catholic friends got married. Marriage doesn’t lead to happiness. Doing God’s will leads to happiness.
Having a family meant my friend had to abandon her university degree and focus on being a mother and wife but she is wanting more than that.

As much as I wished I had been married by 22 I’ve realised now that God has used my time to help me get qualifications, work and find a perfect career helping children which I fully believe is his plan. If I had gotten married there’s no way I would have had time for this. I’ve also improved so much as a person, understood God better and feel emotionally stronger.

In your case, I think you already know what’s happening, that you are very young and need to sort yourself out, mature and when you are ready for a family and be a provider for a wife and kids God will lead you to her. Trust me, if God wills it, it will happen.

Trust in Jesus, we may not understand his timing but he does. Keep up the prayers and focus on keeping yourself in good health 🙂
 
Rosebud77 said:
Healing takes time. And also time will help you in whatever the future holds for you, be it marriage or singleness, But please take full responsibility and not “it is not my fault”

Blessings and prayers
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It’s not my fault insofar as my genetic predisposition toward alcoholism. I’ve done a great job!! Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!! 🙂
 
Blue_Rose said:
Another INFJ here too.

I’m single at 26 and am past feeling bad about it. A few years ago my other Catholic friends got married. Marriage doesn’t lead to happiness. Doing God’s will leads to happiness.
Having a family meant my friend had to abandon her university degree and focus on being a mother and wife but she is wanting more than that.

As much as I wished I had been married by 22 I’ve realised now that God has used my time to help me get qualifications, work and find a perfect career helping children which I fully believe is his plan. If I had gotten married there’s no way I would have had time for this. I’ve also improved so much as a person, understood God better and feel emotionally stronger.

In your case, I think you already know what’s happening, that you are very young and need to sort yourself out, mature and when you are ready for a family and be a provider for a wife and kids God will lead you to her. Trust me, if God wills it, it will happen.

Trust in Jesus, we may not understand his timing but he does. Keep up the prayers and focus on keeping yourself in good health 🙂
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You know, this is absolutley right!! I always find me telling myself that if I’m single at 26, I’m not going to care in the slightest. It’s just a matter of spiritual growth 🙂 Thanks for sharing!!!
 
I’m an ISTJ - The Logistician

I too am seemingly perpetually single. I definitely don’t like it, but with my personality type and Aspergers, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change so I’ve grudgingly accepted it.
 
Hey Binto,

I am single too, 43, and although I have had many dates, gfs and flings in the past, I have been single for most of my life. I will give you advice from two (2) different angles from what I have learned, one from our religion, the other from personal development.
  1. Cultivate a relationship with the Blessed Mother. Pray a decade of the rosary daily and offer it to her. Ask for her intercession to help you. I pray a full rosary each day, but that’s me. Do what you can. Get you the Ignatius New Testament Bible and study it, daily, if you can. Also Ignatius has $10 book on Book of Proverbs. Study the proverbs. Proverbs will help you understand what’s going on, not just with you, but with the world and life in general. Get you a spiritual director.
  2. Study personal development. Very important. Brian Tracy, Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, Jack Canfield, etc. they have devoted their lives to understanding the laws of success. There are success principles that are as iron clad as gravity. Although it’s secular philosophy, what’s interesting is there is scripture that backs up what they teach, they just do it from a secular point of view. Zig Ziglar (has passed) he’s probably the only devout Christian in the bunch, but if you do what they tell you to do, you’ll turn things around, quicker than you may think. You should read for two (2) hours a day, if you can, both Bible study and personal development. What I do is listen the NT Bible CDs in my car, so with my commutes that’s about an hour of Bible study each day I am taking in, and that compounds over time, trust me. At home I read the personal development books.
Zig Ziglar has a good motto you should embrace:

“You can get whatever you want in life, as long as you help others get what they want.”

I will keep you in my prayers. You have a lot of good years ahead of you. Keep your faith first, but make it a goal to study personal development and give, give, give.
 
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