I have a huge problem

[catharina]

That’s what a friend of mine wondered when the same thing happened to her. Almost the moment he got the ring on her finger the psychological (and in her case) physical abuse started.

She was silent about this for a long time feeling ashamed of what had happened and that she hadn’t seen the signs before. I think, that like your husband, her husband hid things very well. Certainly none of her friends or her family including her parents picked any signs or could given hindsight. So do not take on any guilt if people if say to you “there must have been clues, you just missed them.”

Your first priority is to keep yourself physically and psychologically safe and posters have given you some good advice here.

Steer clear of anyone (including counsellors) who want to divert the sessions/talks to your contribution to the situation or tell you to try and understand your husband. Your safety is the most important thing NOW. Also steer clear of anyone you says “you’ve made your bed now lie it.” Yes, you vowed to love your husband and he vowed to love you - but psychological abuse isn’t loving you, nor is locking you out at 1.30am.

Also keep in mind that the longer you stay - without his behaviour changing - you could begin minimising the situation especially if there times when his behaviour is less extreme. That could put you further at risk.

Your post is great. Compassionate and reasonable.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Your post is great. Compassionate and reasonable.

**
I agree. My aunt found herself in a similar situation. Her husband changed literally the night of the wedding. He went from a wine and roses kind of sweep you off your feet type to mean and nasty. She should have walked out right then. But she didn’t. Instead she had two children with him who were subtly abused (things like ignoring them for days on end as he locked himself in the basement, refusing to buy groceries etc). So she became an alcoholic and the kids are now grown up and pretty screwed up. She recently had a stroke and he chose then to leave her. Now she is old, alone, and disabled. Not the kind of life anyone would willingly choose for themselves, but in a way that is exactly what she did by not getting out as soon as she realized that he was not the man she thought he was. Please think carefully about how your life could turn out…**

 

[marietta]

Put some money away.
Put school on hold.
Pack a bag of enough clothes and toiletries to get you through a week and put it somewhere safe.
Borrow money for a retainer if you have to, but secure a good divorce attorney.
Meet with him or her and draw up your plans to move on.
When it is time to tell your husband, make arrangements to meet him in a neutral place, such as his workplace, a restaurant, somewhere public which would be neutral territory and where he would be less likely to strike out at you. ***
Tell him to be out of the house in 3 days.
Stay elsewhere until the 3 days are up.
When the 3 days are up, take a strong, protective friend to your home and secure it. Change locks and phone number. Secure every window and door. If he is still in the house, seek help from your priest, and/or go to a shelter for battered and abused women (because this is what you are).
Be prepared to lose material things. This is no big deal. They’ll make more.
Make arrangements to move so he cannot find you.
Show up at your court appearance(s) on time. Finalize your divorce. If you were married in a Catholic ceremony, these good folks here can explain how to get out of that, too.

This man will not change. No one deserves to wind up in a pine box because of a control freak, manipulator, narcissist, sadist. It will not get better, only worse.

This will not be easy. But if you remain passive, the life that God gave you, the love He has in store for you, the joy and abundance of living the way you believe God wants you to and not the way your husband wants you to, will be nothing but dust. It will be like wrapping yourself in the warmth of God’s love and protection and then having your husband tell you to just ship it back to God because you look like a tramp in it.

Learn, but don’t look back.

marietta*

 

[samovila]

I am really astonished at everyone’s immediate advice to pack your bags and get ready to leave. I’m not going to give you advice, just tell you my experience. My husband has been hard to get along with since the day we got married. The first year was the worst and finally after the second year it seems we are settling in. We have had many encounters like the one you described, but I wouldn’t leave him just for being a jerk. I figure it is our responsibility in living our vows to find a way to live together in peace. And that means both of us putting in the effort. There are 3 reasons I would consider leaving him. Adultery, Addiction, or Abuse. And that doesn’t mean impending abuse. We don’t know if it your encounters or my encounters would ever escalate to abuse. Calling names and arguing like that is not very Christian-like, but it is our duty to help each other grow as a married couple.

My husband and I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now and it is working great. It is mostly paid by our medical insurance so I would encourage you to see if anything like that is covered by your medical insurance if you have it. We tried the Catholic Charities route in the past, but like you fell into the upper range of their income scale. And to be honest, the counseling we got through them wasn’t as good as the counselor we have now. We were surprised to find that they don’t only employ Catholic counselors and the therapy they use isn’t really faith-based. So it doesn’t really matter whether or not we go to counseling through them. Also either of your companies might have an EAP (employee assistance program, I think) that covers counseling and is very confidential.

Finally, I’d like to add that no one ever prepared me for how difficult marriage is. In fact, I don’t know if I would have been receptive to hearing about the challenges in marriage. The first year in particular was such an adjustment period. My husband and I are even of the same faith so I can imagine in your situation how hard it must be to overcome that difference. You’re not Catholic, but we believe that in a sacramental marriage, the Holy Spirit is present guiding and enriching our lives if we accept it. I’ve grown a lot through prayer, especially praying for the gifts of the Holy Spirit, particularly patience and kindness. I encourage you to likewise pray for yourself and your husband.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Great post and I thank you.I’ll even apologize to the kcmommy for my tone.I do apologize to the kcmommy for my tone.I should have said "Probably when you jump into a thread - and haven’t really read the thread - and give some sort of mommy-admonishment - your tone and your views negate each other as an offering of “helpful advice.” If you’re ticked about something and check into a thread to kick some righteous butt, it might be better (instead) to punch the wall, break some dishes, etc…

You can’t decipher tone from a post. I wasn’t “ticked” about anything. All I did was question – simply question. Nor did I feel the need to “kick some righteous butt.” You are the one who read into it.

This whole situation is strange.

Why in the world are you so defensive and aggravated about this?

I appreciate your apology, yet it hardly seems sincere. It seems to be an “I’m sorry – but” type of situation. Then again, I can’t read “tone” in a message board post. What I am reading, and go ahead and correct me if I am wrong: you are intoning that my only reason for response was to get out my own personal frustrations on the OP by not being “kind, compassionate and sickly sweet with support?”

I have seen a lot of this kind of thing lately at family life. One fellow even claimed his wife was a prostitute! She (the wife) then went and sent PM’s to everybody who posted on the thread. Marital strife to the ump-teenth degree is not good for this place. Just saying.

Either way, coming here to ask why her Catholic Husband is abusive is sort of racist – don’t you think? It seems to me she’s only upping her ante in her marital fight by claiming she talked to other catholics and he’s being a jerk. OK true that – but that doesn’t mean we all have to be patsies for it. It also doesn’t mean we have to defend our faith on one bad guy’s behavior. Abusers ARE ABUSERS – it doesn’t matter how and where they worship.

It seems they can’t help themselves.

But why YOU went after me as aggressively as you did – well that’s another mystery.

OP, your DH may very well be an abusive jerk, and it wouldn’t matter who he worshipped – but yes – get some help, we can’t fix you, him – nor your marriage – here.

 

[jules11]

Oh dear. The poor woman who is NOT catholic is subjected to posters having arguments about her thread and told that ‘we can’t fix your marriage here’???
I can tell you, if this had been me, and I got this kind of reaction, I think I would have thought catholics were very uncharitable and probably not given it a second thought about becoming one.
Where is the charity??
She was asking for advice like thousands of others, including myself have come here to do. It is easier in this anonymous way. Don’t fob her off and make her feel like she shouldn’t have asked for help. She has a right to, like everyone else on here.
And can’t you two argue through private messages and not hijack the thread?
Sheesh!

 

[catharina]

Oh dear. The poor woman who is NOT catholic is subjected to posters having arguments about her thread and told that ‘we can’t fix your marriage here’???
I can tell you, if this had been me, and I got this kind of reaction, I think I would have thought catholics were very uncharitable and probably not given it a second thought about becoming one.
Where is the charity??
She was asking for advice like thousands of others, including myself have come here to do. It is easier in this anonymous way. Don’t fob her off and make her feel like she shouldn’t have asked for help. She has a right to, like everyone else on here.
And can’t you two argue through private messages and not hijack the thread?
Sheesh!

My response to the OP is Post # 22. She’s looking for answers and moral support. My answer is in Post # 22. Now I’ll add this. It sounds like her husband believes marriage is to be an exercise in his throwing fits and getting what he wants. The OP said that’s how he was raised - by a father who did just that. I agree with the OP that she MUST get outside help to see whether he will ever change - if he wants to change, or hopes to change at all.

 

[newbetx]

Oh dear. The poor woman who is NOT catholic is subjected to posters having arguments about her thread and told that ‘we can’t fix your marriage here’???
I can tell you, if this had been me, and I got this kind of reaction, I think I would have thought catholics were very uncharitable and probably not given it a second thought about becoming one.
Where is the charity??
She was asking for advice like thousands of others, including myself have come here to do. It is easier in this anonymous way. Don’t fob her off and make her feel like she shouldn’t have asked for help. She has a right to, like everyone else on here.
And can’t you two argue through private messages and not hijack the thread?
Sheesh!

But then… how does that saying go? Never argue with a fool. Most people can’t tell the difference!

Certainly, I hope, the OP understands that we have all kinds here at CAF and some don’t have the best “bedside manner.” Most here really do care that she and her husband get the help that they need.

Peace.