I joined a Men's Spiritual Group at a local parish

[JoyIsLikeRain]

As the title states, I joined a men’s spirituality group at a local Catholic parish. I’m actually one of the oldest at age 32.

I’m a relatively lonely person and I don’t live near the parish, which is in a popular area full of middle to upper class young, affluent Americans in the city.

Unfortunately, numerous group members definitely seem to be a bit on the cliquish side and exhibit patterns of behaviors that I saw in college, but there’s some genuinely good guys there and I’d like to be friends with them, as I find due to my workplace and home location I’m quite isolated. Thus, I try my best to make the 40 minute drive once a week for this group meeting.

However, I’ve noticed the topics in the meetings aren’t what I expected. Many nights they share personal faith stories, or relationship stories, and quite a few admit to a room of 20 or more people things that belong in a confessional. I don’t want to judge, and I went to a Catholic all-boys high school in a bad area, I literally have seen and heard EVERYTHING starting at age 14.

I’m not so much scandalized from the conversations to perhaps tired of all of such personal testimony. Quite a number of attendees admit it’s cathartic for them to talk this way, away from girlfriends and wives, and others are like me: lonely and in need of any sort of socializing.

I’ve noticed people come to the group, only to never return. Frequently some group members makes plans to go out to bars and only invite a select few group members (but they have no problem talking about it in front of group members that weren’t invited) I find myself struggling to stay with them and forge new friendships and build upon the friendships I’m trying to cultivate among group members. I really want some good, Catholic friends.

But this all feels like tiring work - the group members, the sessions of sitting in a room and hearing the same people talk about the same things. Offer it up? Start my own group somewhere? Or just show up and pretend everything is great?

 

[dshix]

Ultimately this is a personal decision, because we all have different personalities and reasons for choosing one thing or another.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t choose to continue attending this group long-term. Based on your description, I would find it tiresome, and it probably wouldn’t help me grow in virtue, either. I would likely try to strike up a friendships with those men who interest me the most and are not part of exclusive cliques, and then keep up those relationships directly, leaving the group itself behind.

 

[cmbergin]

…
I’m actually one of the oldest at age 32.
…
Unfortunately, numerous group members definitely seem to be a bit on the cliquish side and exhibit patterns of behaviors that I saw in college,
…
However, I’ve noticed the topics in the meetings aren’t what I expected. Many nights they share personal faith stories, or relationship stories, and quite a few admit to a room of 20 or more people things that belong in a confessional.
…
I’m not so much scandalized from the conversations to perhaps tired of all of such personal testimony. Quite a number of attendees admit it’s cathartic for them to talk this way, away from girlfriends and wives, and others are like me: lonely and in need of any sort of socializing.
…
But this all feels like tiring work - the group members, the sessions of sitting in a room and hearing the same people talk about the same things. Offer it up? Start my own group somewhere? Or just show up and pretend everything is great?

Unfortunately, cliquish behavior is the norm for young men especially, and if 32 makes you an “elder” in this group, then it’s a very young group indeed.

It’s possible that these young men need the community venting space. Emotions are still running hot, every problem seems like a mountain, etc, and this is something they really need to keep them headed in the right direction. If there’s not another men’s group at your parish, this would be a perfect time to start one. You may find that quite a few men in their 30’s-50’s are looking for something more like you described: a way to grow together in faith, not necessarily in finding your way in life per se. You may find that some of the guys in the group are interested in something like that, too, and you’ll probably find a good group of guys in their 30’s-40’s who would really benefit from deeper and more focused discussions. Relationships will develop naturally from those discussions.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

It doesn’t sound like a good fit for you but I know that there aren’t a lot of these groups about in the Catholic Church so it might not be as simple as finding another group. Do you feel better or worse after attending?

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

It doesn’t sound like a good fit for you but I know that there aren’t a lot of these groups about in the Catholic Church so it might not be as simple as finding another group. Do you feel better or worse after attending?

Exactly this. I usually feel worse after attending.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I’m female and do not join such groups, but I’ll guess there is a least one other person that feels left out of the group. Observe and find that other person and ask if he might like to go for coffee after the meeting. As they say “age is just a number.” Think of Jesus, if you will. He had young and older men, married and single-among his 12 followers. I will pray for you. Peace.

 

[john1513]

Start or find a That Man is You! men’s program. Hands down the best weekly program for Catholic men:

paradisusdei.org/index.php/programs/tmiy/find-location/

The program is outstanding although sometimes I find unpleasant scenarios in the small group discussion portion of the meeting. Instead of discussing virtue, Christ, our struggles, our victories, the conversation can easily turn to politics and how bad everyone else is “out there, but not us good guys”.

Despite this I return every week (5 minute drive) because the lesson portion of it is good for me and while not always beneficial, occasionally the group offers good advice and insight for me when I open up about the questions or problems I have. It’s not always “fun” but it’s necessary for us to keep focus on what God has called us to be.

I’m 31 and easily the youngest in a group of 25. The group primarily consists of fathers and grandfathers so we all have significant time commitments and responsibilities to our families. I wouldn’t say we are there for “social” or entertainment purposes. We get a powerful and inspiring lesson, discuss for 30 minutes, often times applying the lesson to our personal situations, and then get out and live it!

Wanting a little bit more, but not having the time to frequently meet with other men, I keep up communications with a handful via text message and chat apps. I message individuals one-on-one based on our common interests: marriage, parenting, movies, sports, accountability, theology, gardening, etc. I talk the most with my accountability partner about the struggles and progress I have with my spiritual and vocational life. I find this relationship the most beneficial (once again, not always “fun”).

As far as social connections go, my time primarily goes to my wife and children. I may message another guy once a day or less, but more if one of us is having a particular problem. The main vineyards God has given me to work in are at my job and at my home. Hope this helps in some way!

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

So you’ve stumbled upon the fact that relationships are hard work! Welcome to the club! At least when you get married you can save lots of work by merely taking your wife for granted. I feel bad for you having to listen to people’s personal struggles. They should have the decency to hide their challenges and lie so that everyone just can nod approvingly and politely and keep their misery to themselves. Certainly Jesus didn’t want to mingle with those in distress, right? Come to think of it why go to church at all? There is way to much chatter about sin. Maybe you might want to start getting honest, it seems that you have some men that are willing to trust and take a risk and let themselves be known. Who knows you just might find that you’ve made friends once others realize that you aren’t merely posing but are genuine.

 

[dshix]

So you’ve stumbled upon the fact that relationships are hard work! Welcome to the club! At least when you get married you can save lots of work by merely taking your wife for granted. I feel bad for you having to listen to people’s personal struggles. They should have the decency to hide their challenges and lie so that everyone just can nod approvingly and politely and keep their misery to themselves. Certainly Jesus didn’t want to mingle with those in distress, right? Come to think of it why go to church at all? There is way to much chatter about sin. Maybe you might want to start getting honest, it seems that you have some men that are willing to trust and take a risk and let themselves be known. Who knows you just might find that you’ve made friends once others realize that you aren’t merely posing but are genuine.

You made a lot of assumptions about the original poster and about the people at the group he described in your post, several of which I think are unfounded and uncharitable.

The kind of dynamic he described is not uncommon, and for you to dismiss his posting about it with a flippant remark about how “relationships are hard work” is, in my opinion, out of line.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

You made a lot of assumptions about the original poster and about the people at the group he described in your post, several of which I think are unfounded and uncharitable.

The kind of dynamic he described is not uncommon, and for you to dismiss his posting about it with a flippant remark about how “relationships are hard work” is, in my opinion, out of line.

Thank you.

 

[Irishmom2]

So, does this group have a moderator or someone that sets an agenda for the meetings or is it just a free for all? If there is one, perhaps you can mention your concerns to him.

 

[Irishmom2]

So you’ve stumbled upon the fact that relationships are hard work! Welcome to the club! At least when you get married you can save lots of work by merely taking your wife for granted. I feel bad for you having to listen to people’s personal struggles. They should have the decency to hide their challenges and lie so that everyone just can nod approvingly and politely and keep their misery to themselves. Certainly Jesus didn’t want to mingle with those in distress, right? Come to think of it why go to church at all? There is way to much chatter about sin. Maybe you might want to start getting honest, it seems that you have some men that are willing to trust and take a risk and let themselves be known. Who knows you just might find that you’ve made friends once others realize that you aren’t merely posing but are genuine.

This group is not a relationship. It is not a psychology counseling session. And it is not a social group where cliques should be ruling what is done at the meetings.

Your comments are arrogant, rude and uncharitable.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

If nothing changes.

Nothing changes.

 

[Rosarydevotion]

I’ve been part of a group like this before myself, it was for women, and it was very cliqish. I quit going and never regretted that. This group you describe doesn’t sound very edifying, and I would consider alleviating yourself of the burden of driving there.

Instead you may want to try going to various prayer meetings. This way if the people are not the greatest, you could still be glad you went knowing your strengthening your relationship with God.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

If you have given it a good go and still feel worse I wouldn’t feel bad about quitting. It reminds me of an alpha course I did as a teenager, there was no scripture, a bit of prayer and about 90% testimony and it honestly felt like an alcoholics anonymous meeting. I came to learn about my faith and got the same “I was a sinner and then found God and started going to church the end” story week after week and it just got boring.

I don’t know your exact circumstances but I know what its like to be lonely and not have Catholic friends. I get that this is the point where other people will tell you that if you really want friends you would go through hell on earth just for a few crumbs of time with other people but I wouldn’t blame you if you decided this group wasn’t for you. Also the fact that its a commute away doesn’t help. My diocese has a young adult group but its an hours drive away, I go when I can because I do enjoy it but I doubt I will make friends there because the people I meet live too far away for us to just casually meet up for drinks. I think its very difficult to make a new friend who doesn’t live near you unless you click very quickly.

 

[Paganus]

As the title states, I joined a men’s spirituality group at a local Catholic parish. I’m actually one of the oldest at age 32.

Wow. That’s a young group! Lots of energy I imagine.

I’m a relatively lonely person and I don’t live near the parish, which is in a popular area full of middle to upper class young, affluent Americans in the city.

Why are you lonely? Something to think about. Is it you? Do you need to re-read Dale Carnegie? Or is this only due to your geographic isolation as mentioned below?

Are you a middle to upper class young, affluent American? Or do you stand apart from the group in some way?

Unfortunately, numerous group members definitely seem to be a bit on the cliquish side and exhibit patterns of behaviors that I saw in college, but there’s some genuinely good guys there and I’d like to be friends with them, as I find due to my workplace and home location I’m quite isolated. Thus, I try my best to make the 40 minute drive once a week for this group meeting.

Do you bring something to the table? I have noticed that I failed in a few groups because I was there to ‘take’ more than to ‘give.’

However, I’ve noticed the topics in the meetings aren’t what I expected. Many nights they share personal faith stories, or relationship stories, and quite a few admit to a room of 20 or more people things that belong in a confessional. I don’t want to judge, and I went to a Catholic all-boys high school in a bad area, I literally have seen and heard EVERYTHING starting at age 14

Well, speak up, especially if something seems inappropriate. I don’t let people dump their sins all over me, but I used to and regret it.

I’m not so much scandalized from the conversations to perhaps tired of all of such personal testimony. Quite a number of attendees admit it’s cathartic for them to talk this way, away from girlfriends and wives, and others are like me: lonely and in need of any sort of socializing.

Give them something to do? Any group where a 32 year old is the old man should be up for hiking or skeet-shooting or paintball or orienteering or something on the fun side. Do you have an interesting hobby? If so, share it with the group.

I’ve noticed people come to the group, only to never return. Frequently some group members makes plans to go out to bars and only invite a select few group members (but they have no problem talking about it in front of group members that weren’t invited) I find myself struggling to stay with them and forge new friendships and build upon the friendships I’m trying to cultivate among group members. I really want some good, Catholic friends.

They are probably looking for good, Catholic friends as well. Are you the good, Catholic friend they are looking for? If not, why not?

But this all feels like tiring work - the group members, the sessions of sitting in a room and hearing the same people talk about the same things. Offer it up? Start my own group somewhere? Or just show up and pretend everything is great?

When in doubt, be a leader.