I just can’t any more

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mkipp

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I’m a 39 year old man with a wife and two daughters. I’m at the point where I can’t deal with my own existence. I’ve been married 12 years and the relationship is one of coexistence rather than marriage. The biggest issues is there is no physical contact and my wife has no interest. Maybe we are together once or twice a year and that’s it out of pity. I’m in recovery and sober for almost 5 years. I work the AA steps but the depression from my marriage is too much. I’ve got a lot I should be grateful for, but I can’t deal with it. I need love, affection, and at least acknowledgement that my wife wants to be with me. I love my daughters but every day I’m a live I wish it was my last. I go to church every week, but the thoughts of wanting to die aren’t changing. Can’t anyone understand where I’m coming from?
 
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Please call someone about your depression and thoughts. You need help! Call your sponsor and ask them to get you some help.

As for your wife, focus on getting better out of your depressive state and then the two of you can work on the physical intimacy.
 
I’ve talked to my sponsor. I’ve been in therapy for years. This has been the way for years. Nothing has changed, and I can’t see it ever changing. I keep praying it will. I honestly would be happier if she just cheated on me and it would confirm how she feels about me. I sit in Mass and pray but always end up in the same place.
 
mkipp said:
I love my daughters but every day I’m a live I wish it was my last.
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If you truly love your daughters you won’t wish that. How sad would your daughters be if they knew what you were saying? You love them and they love and need their father. Try to fight through this feeling, if not for you for your daughters. Don’t let the devil poison your mind with those thoughts because that is exactly where they are coming from. Stay close to God, pray more and more, stay strong.

I’m praying for you🙏
 
I’m so sorry for your pain. Your daughters need their father! Call your sponsor even when you don’t feel like it!
 
mkipp, I remember your posts over the years. I am sorry to hear that you feel this way, but I am very happy to hear of your sobriety.

Would your wife go to marriage counseling? You two need to work together, it can’t all just be about what your wife wants or what you want. She should be willing to go to counseling for you and to support you.

Please make an appointment with your priest and ask for his advice.
 
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No ‘if you truly love’…he has depression (from what he said in his post) and whatever he’s feeling doesn’t mean that he doesn’t truly love his girls. It’s a tough illness.

OP, get a new therapist honestly. The issue is much deeper than you think
 
Lea101 said:
No ‘if you truly love’…he has depression (from what he said in his post) and whatever he’s feeling doesn’t mean that he doesn’t truly love his girls. It’s a tough illness.
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I know he has depression and I know exactly how tough it is because I went through it in the past myself. I remember not wanting to see anyone and not wanting to do anything and not caring about anyone or anything. It can get really dangerous when you feel like you’ve lost all hope and that there’s no reason to live anymore.

On him loving his girls… of course he loves them no matter what. I’m mentioning his girls to remind him he has something to live for, that he has people on this earth who would miss him dearly, and be hurt for the rest of their lives if he was gone.

When you’re at this point it’s difficult to simply care about anything. In my opinion it would’ve helped to have people to tell me I can get through it and that I matter and to stay strong… even if a little.
 
I second getting a new therapist, but also it might be worth while making an appointment with a psychiatrist. You made need medication to overcome the depression, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
 
First off, it concerns me that in a marriage between 2 people who love one another; I can say that because love is a verb consisting of sacrificing for another, “Greater love hath no man than this, that lay down his life for his friends.” You feel your biggest concern is of a lack of sexual gratification. If love is sacrifice, how can you expect there to be fruits of love when there doesnt appear to be sacrifice, sacrifice which is love.

Secondly, this all reeks of self-centerdness. You love your daughters, and you love your wife, but you’re willing to die? Too let it all go, with no regard for how they shall feel? For you to find real happiness you’re going to have to find purpose in yourself. God wants you to be individual, He made you distinct, and He wants you to understand how you are, and once you understand what sets you apart, where you are strong and where you are weak. Then you can be truly humble, and that humility will enable you to help all those in your life that we all know you care about.

Remember always when you’re suffering what Saint Maximillian Kolbe said, that we must rejoice in our suffering, because only in this life we may show God our love through it.

I recommend you study 2 books, “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” by Stephen R.Covey, and “A Man for Others” Patricia Treece.

God Bless you! May the Immaculate make a home in your heart.
 
As others have said, if what the therapist is offering isn’t working, find a new one. If you are taking anti depressants, you need to try a new one. It’s common to try several, for several weeks at a time, to find an effective one.
And get your wife to marriage counseling, she needs to offer support.
God bless.
 
Much of the self-centerdness comes from the addict personality. Addiction is a very selfish sickness. When an addict is in recovery he/she is still selfish although the selfishness is what they need to not relapse.

I agree building humility is what is needed but it will be difficult.
 
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