I just need some advice and prayers

[jamagan]

I am 25 years old and usually very intelligent and rationale. I have had a history of depression and panic attacks and am currently on medication that helps. When the depression/panic first started, right before I graduated college, I had extreme panic attacks about questioning whether I was supposed to become a nun. As the episodes subsided and I got myself on track, the panic left, although if the thought of becoming a nun ever arose I would start to feel panicky and have to force my mind to change thoughts to calm down.
Recently, I moved back to my hometown and started to feel the anxiety and depression again (I think major changes brings it on). With it came the pressing thoughts that I am supposed to be a nun. I don’t know how to explain them – it’s like a fear. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking that God is making me be a nun and that’s the only way I’ll be happy. I’ve researched and looked into convents, as a way to help alleviate my panic, but it doesn’t hold any appeal or bring joy (although there are attractive parts – like the service and helping). Yet I still feel that that’s what God wants to me do, and I feel overwhelming guilt if I try to overcome the feeling.
I have always wanted to get married and be a mother. I actually just completed foster care classes. When I previously spoke to my friends and family about my fears of being called, they all listened and discussed it and their general consensus was that they have always pictured me as a mother, and that the panic is the depression at work, and that to enter a convent under these circumstances would be a disservice to myself and God. But I still can’t overcome it and I just feel so guilty all the time.

Any help, advice or prayers would be welcome!

 

[Cloisters]

I am 25 years old and usually very intelligent and rationale. I have had a history of depression and panic attacks and am currently on medication that helps. When the depression/panic first started, right before I graduated college, I had extreme panic attacks about questioning whether I was supposed to become a nun. As the episodes subsided and I got myself on track, the panic left, although if the thought of becoming a nun ever arose I would start to feel panicky and have to force my mind to change thoughts to calm down.
Recently, I moved back to my hometown and started to feel the anxiety and depression again (I think major changes brings it on). With it came the pressing thoughts that I am supposed to be a nun. I don’t know how to explain them – it’s like a fear. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking that God is making me be a nun and that’s the only way I’ll be happy. I’ve researched and looked into convents, as a way to help alleviate my panic, but it doesn’t hold any appeal or bring joy (although there are attractive parts – like the service and helping). Yet I still feel that that’s what God wants to me do, and I feel overwhelming guilt if I try to overcome the feeling.
I have always wanted to get married and be a mother. I actually just completed foster care classes. When I previously spoke to my friends and family about my fears of being called, they all listened and discussed it and their general consensus was that they have always pictured me as a mother, and that the panic is the depression at work, and that to enter a convent under these circumstances would be a disservice to myself and God. But I still can’t overcome it and I just feel so guilty all the time.

Any help, advice or prayers would be welcome!

Having suffered from depression myself, I can attest to the fact that there might be something else going on. Have you ever been in treatment for it? Being a mom myself, I would also suggest that you get your hearing checked. Over-sensitive hearing has been linked to depression. Also, an increase in protein and regular workouts at the gym have helped tremendously.

The biggest help for my depression was getting my proposed charism going–and reassuring my family that nothing was going to happen to them in the process.

Discernment is a matter of the heart. The Holy Ghost works on attraction, quietly and without anxiety. Are you attracted to the religious life? If not, what are you being attracted to?

Being certified as a foster parent is certainly praiseworthy, but if your depression isn’t treated, don’t take on any more responsibility. There could me more harm than good done to the child(ren) you take in.

HTH.

Blessings,
Cloisters

 

[jamagan]

Cloisters -

Thanks for writing. I appreciate the support. I am getting treatment currently, through medication and a new route is with a specialist that is running labs and bloodwork. I didn’t realize that things like thyroid issues can cause depression (and I had never heard of the hearing sensitivity you mentioned - I’ll have to ask about it).

Most of the time I am completely fine and under control. But at times (like this morning when I typed) the panic just kicks into overdrive. I’m an overthinker and I over analyze everything.

I am doing a lot of re-assessments in my life now, which can always be stressful. I do feel extreme guilt over not wanting to be a nun, but logically I know that it’s okay and there’s another path for me. I guess part of the problem is figuring out what that other path is. I feel a desire towards marriage, but am not seeing anyone and wonder if/when it will ever happen.

I am also stuck at my parents house until my own house sells and I can find a new place in my hometown. I won’t be accepting any foster children until that point, so it should be plenty of time to get everything straightened out!!

So thanks for hearing me out, and responding. It feels better just getting things out sometimes, and knowing someone neutral is out there to listen!

Thanks!!!

 

[Sister_Rose]

Panic and guilt over not wanting to be a nun. Doesn’t sound like the workings of God. Have you ever looked at St. Ignatius’ Discernment of Spirits? It might give you some concrete guidelines for looking at this. But I know what you mean about overanalysing things. We can manage to talk ourselves into circles.
You might want to see if you can find a good solid spiritual director. I mean along with trying to straighten out the medication and what not.

 

[SianTeresa]

Hi there,

Two words: spiritual direction! I think this would really help you.

I’m not very good on advice, but I might be able to share some of my experiences because I think I can relate to your situation. I’m currently discerning a religious vocation (I hope to enter a convent in 12 months time), and I used to suffer from mental health difficulties but have since recovered. My first inclination, just based on my own experience, is to be wary when a calling is confounded with mental distress. It is possible to recover from a mental illness, despite mainstream psychiatric opinion holding the contrary view. Again, I don’t want to leap from the individual to the general by assuming that what worked for me will necessarily be appropriate to you, but my healing came through prayer and through the Church, only when I had let go of other promised routes to “recovery” that, in reality, led to mere stability and functionality. God can make so much of you, can heal you and transform you, if only you will let him.

Also, it seems like you are attaching a great deal of anxiety to the idea of becoming a nun. First, I’d reiterate that you should be wary of this. A current idea that is in vogue which I use in my work as a mentor is “wise mind”, which means that you must integrate your emotional and your cognitive (thinking) faculties when trying to discern a calling such as this. I am sure that this idea will have antecedents in Christian spiritual texts, though I am not sufficiently informed to point you to any in particular.

Another thing to bear in mind according to my spiritual director, which might seem a slight contradiction, is that you should go with what “feels right”. If you approach a director or an individual congregation and you still get this terrible feeling then that will be a warning sign. Trust in the Lord to show you these things - the more you trust in him and depend on him alone, the easier your journey of discernment will be. You will only experience things “feeling right” in relation to your vocation if you speak to a priest or spiritual director, or visit a particular order - and there is nothing wrong with making inquiries these days as it is more common for people to just “check things out”.

So on the one hand, do take heed of what “feels right”, but also give a great deal of rational thought to your motivations, and why you are feeling anxious. It is unlikely that it is beyond the reach of rational understanding or can be explained away by a diagnosis, as all of these things are rooted in the soul which is far more fundamental than secular psychology. It was useful to me to ask myself the question “what if you are told you cannot be a nun?”. It helped because my immediate response was emotional - I felt distress and dismay - and my secondary response was rational and subsequent to this - it allowed me to gain a rational/cognitive understanding of the nature of my call and to grow in certainty and trust. So again, you have to use both emotional and rational faculties.

I know this might seem like a lot of self-analysis is required, when you have said that you tend to over-analyse. I too have this characteristic. If it is already a part of your personality, it would be a disservice to yourself to ignore it though - you just need to learn to harness your analytical tendencies as a strength rather than finding them self-defeating.

Based on my experiences again, if you do choose to pursue a religious vocation, it is important for you to show a clear grasp of the nature of your calling and to have insight into the role that mental distress has played both in your sense of vocation and your overall relationship with God. Mental health difficulties will not bar you from a religious vocation (though depending on who you speak to they may preclude you from certain congregations - if you hit a wall like this, don’t be discouraged as God will lead you where he wants to lead you), but any community will be concerned for your wellbeing and part of your wellbeing is the ability to integrate your experiences into a mature understanding of your vocation.

One final piece of advice: pray! It seems a little obvious to post that on a Catholic forum, but I think sometimes we need a little reminder that in times of confusion we need to trust in God - at least I know I need that reminder. At the times when things are so difficult that we think of clutching at anything but God, we should actually be imploring his help more. Be strict with yourself when it comes to praying even when a panic attack is imminent, and you will reap the rewards.

If you want to chat about this, feel free to PM me, as I have an inkling that we may share some things in common. I’d rather not go into my mental health background on a public forum. I’m sorry if my advice has been irrelevant to you. If it has, please just ignore this big eejit , and be assured of my prayers.

 

[daughterofmary]

I will be praying for you.

I second the idea for a spiritual director.