I Know Life Is Hard, But

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salve_maria_1

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I don’t mean for this to be another vent thread, but I feel like sorting out my thoughts to an understanding audience might be a good thing. I feel absolutely strange and very tired. Very tired.

I’m not even going to get into my life at home because there is so little that can be done about it at this time. I have mentioned before I have at least mild autism which makes my life even more difficult in so many respects. I cannot even describe the stress I’ve gone through over the past several years especially.

And then there’s a friend of mine whom I am now officially in love with. It’s not “in love” like so many people use the term. There’s no butterflies and all that. But I think of him often, and I have a very deep admiration for him and feel a tenderness for him that I have never felt for anyone else before. I still am not certain that he feels quite the same. My logical side is telling me that he probably isn’t contacting me fairly frequently, using an affectionate and personal way of speaking, etc. for nothing. My autistic-freakout side is stressing about it- what if he is only interested in a platonic friendship, what if he is sick of talking to me and that’s why he hasn’t contacted me for a week, what if he is interested and I make a move too soon and he freaks out and “runs”? He is actually strikingly similar to me in personality and I am going to guess that he is feeling something for me and probably feels the same way I do, and is afraid to make a move for fear of scaring me off. He tells me, using exclamation points, that he hopes to speak with me again soon. Well, what’s soon? Who is supposed to initiate? Honestly, I love him so dearly as a friend and even if he wanted to remain friends, it would be okay, or if it takes him forever to decide to go out on a date, I don’t care, except that I just would like to feel secure about it. I do not care about looking for dates, so it’s not like I’m being limited waiting. I’d take a bullet for this man. He’s practically a soul mate in the sense that he is the only person I’ve really ever known who seems to truly “get me”. (I do of course know that “soul mates” in the sense of being the one and only person you should marry, do not exist.)

I’m afraid of losing someone I love so much, even just as a friend. My parents do not love me- I grew up in a painfully abusive home- and I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable to another, to trust another with myself. What scares me the most is I feel unable to love God as I should. I want to be able to gaze upon the crucifix and feel a pang of love to see my Love and my Life hanging there,pouring out the very blood of His Heart and veins. I’m scared to try to understand just how much He loves me, to abandon myself to Him, to feel and to know emotionally and not just intellectually that He will never abandon me. I’m terrified to commit a mortal sin, not because I would end up in the fires of Hell forever if I was unrepentant, but because I dread the thought of being separated from the One Who loves me so much, even if I don’t understand it. I’ve abandoned myself to Our Lady as my own dear mother, which was very difficult at first because I never had a concept of a loving mother, but thankfully I feel something for her in the way of affectionate love. I totally trust in her- like when I feel like I’m going to “lose it” from stress, I just imagine that I have thrown myself in her arms and I just talk to her. I long to truly be held in her arms.

I just want to be secure in love. I was brought up in a household that mocked any expression of love and I completely with my whole mind and heart accept the teachings of the Church and I know without a doubt that God loves and cares for me. That’s why no matter how terrible I feel, I can never bring myself to blame God or doubt His love even when I cannot feel it at all. And I don’t beg God to change this for me but give it up to Our Lady at the foot of the Cross and beg to take on some of her and His suffering, and somehow this always helps.

I just wonder if it’s selfish or wrong in some way to long for the love of a mate that understands me, for the physical expression of love from a mother (i.e. an embrace, just being held), or even being able to feel a burning love in my heart for God. I do pray for the latter, and rarely I feel the slightest twinge of this that wraps me in comfort- no doubt this would be nothing to people who can feel love normally, but for me it’s enormous.

Well, thanks for listening. Please keep me and my dear friend in your prayers, and I shall do the same for you.
 
Hi, what you describe about the love in your life sounds like normal feelings to me. Wondering what they are thinking… wondering what you are feeling…

I’m sorry you grew up in an abusive relationship. But, I was so glad to hear that you have latched on to Mary as your mother. She is a good one. Keep talking to her about all your fears and doubts and she will wrap her mantle around you. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope every thing turns out good for you. Not what you think is good for you, but what is really good for you, faith, strength, peace, hope and love.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.
 
Your thoughts are welcome and very well expressed and I will pray that God grants you patience and reveals His plan to you. Peace.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen.
 
Praying for you.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
Hi salve_maria,

I am so very sorry for the abuse issues that you have had to deal with in your family. 😦

That can definitely cause trust issues in any relationship that you may encounter. I know, because I have been there, too, regarding abuse in the family.

Keep praying to our beautiful Heavenly Mother. She loves you dearly and will help you.

What you are going through regarding your feelings towards your male friend, is normal–wondering if he cares for you like you care for him, etc.

Prayers for you, dear one.
 
salve_maria said:
…

I just wonder if it’s selfish or wrong in some way to long for the love of a mate that understands me, for the physical expression of love from a mother (i.e. an embrace, just being held), or even being able to feel a burning love in my heart for God. I do pray for the latter, and rarely I feel the slightest twinge of this that wraps me in comfort- no doubt this would be nothing to people who can feel love normally, but for me it’s enormous.

Well, thanks for listening. Please keep me and my dear friend in your prayers, and I shall do the same for you.
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You are so beautifully spelling out some basic human needs, especially after some of those needs were not met as a child. The important thing would be to avoid going deeper into a love for a man when those other needs are not yet resolved.

First, the danger would be in placing your need of a maternal physical expression into a relationship with a man. Some men can be quite loving in a paternal and maternal way but it is best to be very aware and eyes wide open about each other’s needs, losses, and shortcomings as you move forward towards a marriage, especially if there are to be children, because at that point you need to be able to respond to a child’s needs, rather than focus on your own unmet needs.

And even more important, when you hook up your need for God’s love to a man’s love, there are bound to be some problems and disappointments. It’s true that a good love can bring you closer to God, but I think that both people need to have a commitment to loving and honoring God first before each other. If that is not present, it can be a set-up for further abuse: you giving him too much power, not taking vows seriously, etc.

Get spiritual support for your search for a deeper union with God. Make sure it is a solid path, rather than an inappropriate quest. Find a good spiritual director who understands you.

And continue to get psychological help for your abuse and neglect. If your connection with this man is true and open to a good future, he would be interested in your best growth. If he blocks your growth or even tries to own it too much, then he is probably just hitching his deficits to yours and you could drag yourselves down. It never looks like that at the start, of course.

My brother had a fiancé and everything LOOKED so good between them. She was the first good woman in my brother’s life. But she had some serious unresolved problems from her teen years and needed help. She asked him if he could let her take care of some of her problems so she could see more clearly in their relationship. She felt like my brother was tapping into some areas where she had been verbally abused and controlled by her dad.

She asked if they could slow down and my brother got very mean to her. So, sadly, she had to break it off and leave him entirely. Over the next few months my brother married someone from another country who did not speak English, his behavior revealed some serious problems, and eventually that marriage ended.

I met his old fiancé for a brief visit later on and she said she was still in love with him and confused. I told her that she had done the right thing. If he had just given her some time, then he would have proven his rightness for her; but because he would not allow her a chance to step back and breathe, how could they ever have been happy together? She also learned that his “behavior problems” were the same as her father’s and she was relieved not to have hitched her cart with his to the same old sick horse.
 
Thanks to everyone who responded, for both your prayers and advice.

I’ve been trying to get spiritual guidance but it’s difficult. I simply end up being told exactly what I know- they say it’s admirable that I have such a strong faith and that love is an action, not a feeling, and not to worry about not being able to feel love like that, at least right now. And I was told to go to Mary and that she understands and to confide in her as my mother, that life is not fair and unpleasant often, and to just have faith. I pay close attention and take the advice but I’m in the same position that I was before. I’m trying to see what else can be done with that. I don’t think these priests have enough time to really understand the depth of my personality and thought process. I don’t mean that in prideful way in the least. I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing what I mean, but do ever so much better in writing.

One of the things that impressed me the most about this man is his genuine piety and his kindness. He’s always been very supportive of me, not afraid to tell me the truth, but never putting me down, holding me back, or in any way controlling or confining me. He encouraged me in learning to truly love Our Lady and always, probably without knowing it, inspires me to a greater devotion to my faith. He had a somewhat similar childhood, not abusive, but with a cold mother, so he understands to at least some degree my pain. He told me on several occasions that he has a very great admiration for me in my dealing with these troubles. I think we have a very mutual admiration for one another that manifests itself with affection and respect. I just wonder if he feels the same attraction to me that I do for him. He seems, for such a proper and almost “old-fashioned” person, to be exhibiting a great deal of affection (completely chaste; I would never be ashamed to disclose it to anyone) for just a platonic interest in me.

And my first and foremost desire, no matter what, is that he and I will be able to one day share in the Beatific Vision. I want so much the salvation of his soul and the salvation of mine. And because I want this, I submit myself to whatever God has planned. I don’t know though how much of that plan is on my shoulders to execute.
 
Two things:
  1. Ask this guy if he likes you, in a romantic sense. This has obviously been bugging you for awhile and it’s going to drive you nuts until you find out. It’s not the best way, but in this situation I think it’s necessary, for everyone’s sanity.👍
…I simply end up being told exactly what I know- they say it’s admirable that I have such a strong faith and that love is an action, not a feeling, and not to worry about not being able to feel love like that, at least right now.
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  1. This is horrendous advice. Love is both an action and a feeling, at least in English, depending on how one uses the word. (Greek actually has a few words for love, famously found when Jesus asks Peter if he loves him 3 times, but I digress)
College is the best time to explore these feelings, as you’re going to be hard pressed to find any other time in your life (except high school, but you were home schooled according to your previous posts) where you’re in such proximity to the opposite gender.

I appreciate the autistic tendencies you claim to have, but not everything can be done according to plan. There are times when action is necessary in this life; after all, you can’t discern forever…:compcoff:
 
salve_maria said:
I don’t think these priests have enough time to really understand the depth of my personality and thought process. I don’t mean that in prideful way in the least.
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I don’t think that that comes across as prideful, but it is certainly dramatic.

Seeking out a spiritual director is incredibly wonderful advice, but this is a process which is often difficult to see through to the end. Such an individual will be able to address your concerns with you in a manner which is consonant with your own well-being, and which more general confessors will find difficult to fully explore. You seem to be reaching out to engage other minds, and most surely, we will all of us be less qualified than one who has been called to be a spiritual director, and who will be most fitted to your own spiritual fabric.

Regarding your friend, you seem to be having trouble both enjoying the excitement of not knowing, and of being able to let go of having all of the answers instantly available to you. No great novel can be enjoyed simply by reading the final chapter, and learning how to apply this principle to life is something that age (and not youth) will gift you with. Finding a relief to the the tension of these troubles is something a specialist will be most suited to accomplish, which is yet another aspect of the spiritual direction question.
 
So, I asked him.

Well, he came over for the weekend to visit family, and we set up a time to meet up and chat face-to-face over soda. It was a good conversation. Really good. And the subject started to shift towards things like commenting on people in general today, what kinds of mistakes and good things occur with people in finding a mate and the purpose of matrimony. We often talk like this at the philosophical level, but…I felt like it might be a good time to bring up that I liked him. So I thought it would make a seamless transition based on what we were discussing. (I did not set up this meeting to tell him. In fact, I was hoping to put it off because I was afraid of the answer.)

I should have known that it doesn’t work that way…and it didn’t turn out so seamless…but I told him, when we were speaking of masculinity in an abstract sense, “And a strength of purpose as well as physical strength, kindness, intelligence, and…that is what I see in you.” Or something very like that. And I just made direct eye contact for a minute and then looked down because I didn’t know what else to do. We were done with our sodas at that point.

He looked at me with a really kind expression, and was blushing a little (I am sure I was by the way my face was burning), and then got up, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me that he would contact me when he got back home (he was flying out back home in a couple of hours). Then he looked like he was going to give me a hug but didn’t (we are both really reserved and never hugged before), then threw out our trash, bid me goodbye and goodnight, and left.

I hope I did okay with this. I assume he knew what I was talking about even if I didn’t expressly state it. I was scared to death and shaking inside. I should be hearing from him when he gets back home. I’m not sure what to do next. I pray that our friendship remains and that if it’s God’s will, we will grow closer. I am just totally clueless when it comes to relationships.
 
Hard to say what a hand on the shoulder means, but by your rather detailed description I think you went about it very well. Furthermore, it does sound like good news, especially if he was considering going in for the hug.

:cool::D:thumbsup:

Keep us posted!
 
A happy prayer so you can breathe…

St. Patrick’s Prayer
Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.
 
When he talked to me yesterday after his arrival back home, he told me that he cared very much for me and that we should call more often, as opposed to mostly writing. 🙂 Then he said that he regretted not giving me a hug but that he chickened out at the last minute because he was a bit overwhelmed. 😃 I told him it was okay, and that I was probably more overwhelmed than he was. He said that he liked me for a long time but wasn’t sure what I was thinking and didn’t wish to intrude. If only I had asked sooner, I wouldn’t have had all this stress. Oh well, chalk it up to experience now, I guess.

So, sounds like good news.
 
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