I like a guy who said he wasn't sure of his vocation. He seems to like me, though

[augustinegirl]

How do you bring this up to someone who is discerning and seems to like you that they might be leading them on? What if they’ve told you they’re not sure what they’re called to; do you still ask “hey, if you’re flirting with me, what’s the deal?” Do you bring it up? Do I just wait it out and pray about it? I don’t want to be “lead on” (though I know that if that ever happened, it would only be unconsciously because this guy would never allow himself to lead someone on if he realized it), but I REALLY don’t want to force him to decide on his vocation. That’s not my place to say “so, are you gonna be a priest or what?,” but flirty comments are always confusing.

 

[Stephen_says]

HI! I have many and varied opinions on your situation, but I’ll try not to get too worked up.

I think a lot of young men today REALLY like to keep their options open. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I’m not sure, I think I’m being called to be a priest, but I would also like to be married.”

Yeah, wow, he’s the only one that’s ever been conflicted!

Not.

Everyone is conflicted sometimes, but eventually you need to make a commitment to one thing and one thing only to find out how you really feel about it.

And this doesn’t only affect men who are looking for a vocation vis-à-vis priest vs. marriage. It also affects men who are trying to decide between two different women, or between one actual woman and the possibility of a better woman in the future.

Bottom line, we men are very flawed. And sometimes cowardly. And have problems with commitment. Maybe your friend does like you. Maybe he’s just too chicken to ask you out. Or maybe he likes the ego boost he gets from stringing you along without actually committing to you.

If you really want to know what’s going on with him, be straight up about it. Next time he flirts with you, just say “Hey, buddy, are you going to ask me out or what?” If he still doesn’t ask you out, he’s not interested, which might suck, but at least you know where you stand.

If you don’t want to know, you might save yourself a lot of hurt if you back off the communication for a while. I’m can’t tell you what to do, of course, and I know it’s hard to do such a thing, but that’s just my opinion.

 

[augustinegirl]

Everyone is conflicted sometimes, but eventually you need to make a commitment to one thing and one thing only to find out how you really feel about it.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I agree with this, but I thought that maybe because it has to do with discernment, it was a different ball game. Wasn’t sure if the same rules applied, because I know that vocations can be scary for people to figure out. I’m going to be direct with him about it, it’s more of a question of when, because it’s not like we’ve been doing this for six months or something (though I would never go through with that haha). So maybe I’ll pray for an opportunity to say something (which should not be that hard to come around)

 

[Irishmom2]

Honestly, I am a bit confused. Do you want to date this guy or not?

 

[augustinegirl]

@Irishmom2 Yes haha, but I don’t know how he feels because we’ve openly talked about his discerning the priesthood before. He kind of just left it at “I’ll just see how God directs me,” which is confusing for me when he’s very flirty but still indirect.

 

[augustinegirl]

Honestly, I am a bit confused. Do you want to date this guy or not?

@Irishmom2 I’d like to go on a date with him yes haha, but I don’t know how he feels because we’ve openly talked about his discerning the priesthood before. He kind of just left it at “I’ll just see how God directs me,” which is confusing for me when he’s very flirty but still indirect.

 

[Stephen_says]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I agree with this, but I thought that maybe because it has to do with discernment, it was a different ball game. Wasn’t sure if the same rules applied, because I know that vocations can be scary for people to figure out. I’m going to be direct with him about it, it’s more of a question of when, because it’s not like we’ve been doing this for six months or something (though I would never go through with that haha). So maybe I’ll pray for an opportunity to say something (which should not be that hard to come around)

I think you’re right, vocational discernment does need to be treated a little differently…but only a little.

Discernment can be a very scary and confusing process, but do you know how serious he is about it? Does he have a regular meeting with a spiritual advisor? Has he ever spoken to a vocation director? Is it just a stirring in his heart which he is unsure about? You don’t have to answer these questions here, but they are pretty important ones to know the answers to.

Some people say that a man has to be *SURE * that his vocation is not to the priesthood before he dates, but I don’t believe that. I mean, obviously, if he’s in seminary right now, you should probably back off, but I don’t get that impression.

I still hold on to what I said: He needs to make a commitment to something, but that can just be a (small) commitment of taking you out to play mini-golf, or it could be a commitment to having a heart-to-heart with his pastor.

There are all different smaller levels of commitment that you need to go through before you get to the most important ones, and sometimes guys need a swift kick in the pants to get the momentum going.

P.S. Do kids still play mini-golf?

P.P.S. I just read your most recent reply about how your friend wants to “See where God directs me”. God can point him in a direction, but your friend is the only one who can actually move his feet if he plans on getting anywhere. You can quote me on that

 

[pianistclare]

Plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t set yourself up for drama.
Walk.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[Irishmom2]

@Irishmom2 I’d like to go on a date with him yes haha, but I don’t know how he feels because we’ve openly talked about his discerning the priesthood before. He kind of just left it at “I’ll just see how God directs me,” which is confusing for me when he’s very flirty but still indirect.

Okay, well that’s why I am confused.

On your other thread, you talk about your possible discernment and vocation.

I think that perhaps for you, you should back away from this guy if you are both in the process of discernment. You have no way of really knowing if this guy is serious about a vocation or not, his flirting seems a bit odd. He may not realize he flirts, he may know he does, but is just having fun with it, and does not mean it. Either way, leave him to discern. There have been several threads on CAF of guys having girlfriends while they discern, and those relationships have ended in disaster.

On the other hand, I was wondering if you have much dating experience. Are you considering a vocation to a religious life as a fallback for not getting married? I did not understand your “fear” of a religious life comments.

Without knowing how old you are, I think you should date a bit and not predict whether marriage is your vocation at this time. But I don’t think any good will come for either of you in dating one another. Too many uncertainties for both of you.

Just my :twocents: