I need advice (Warning: Sexual Immorality)

[ICcEny]

Hello everyone,
I know this can come off as an incredibly taboo topic and I’m sorry if I make anyone uncomfortable, but this post is going to involve my problems with masturbation/sexual morality, because I’m honestly desparate and don’t know who to talk to.

For context: I’m 17, Roman Catholic, and have had a girlfriend (17) for about 2 years now. When we started dating she was also Catholic, however in the past year or so she has turned more to agnosticism. Also, we are a long distance relationship, living in two bordering states and traveling to meet eachother about once a month.

Starting from when I was young, and continuing today, I have had an issue with masturbation, to the point of addiction. It started when I didn’t really know what I was doing, but has continued into my teenage years. It’s not unmanageable however, just extremely difficult, with hormones and all. However it has been a daily occurence for as long as I can remember, besides a few weeks in military training. However, my girlfriend is knowledgeable about it and does it too.

Anyway, for a long time we have been sexually ‘active’ online through messaging. However, recently, that’s changed. We have done stuff IRL in the past few months. I’m not going to get into detail on here, but it is pretty bad. However, I failed to see the problem until recently.

I was doing research on the Byzantine Rite, and I stumbled upon a website that has bible scriptures for different topics to help guide you with morality. I enjoyed looking through the different topics, until I noticed that masturbation was never explicitly condemned in the Bible. However, the Catechism teaches that it is considered a mortal sin. This shocked me, because I thought it wasn’t a sin at all, and it’s also put into the same category as adultery.

It didn’t stop there. I read about how almost all I was doing was considered a grave (mortal) matter, because it is outside marriage. Fornication. Masturbation. Porn. Lust.

I’d like to consider myself a moral person. However I feel terrible for everything and I want to go to confession, but besides my anxieties about confession, I am worried that this will not stop. Pressure from my girlfriend (I feel like she wants to do things more than I do), plus addiction will make it almost certain that I will commit these sins again. Plus, I feel more bad for the fact that I have committed mortal sin and have severed my relationship to God than what I actually did. We’re very close. We plan on getting married after college. It was a bonding experience more than anything close to casual. So why do I feel terrible?

I feel like this recent guilt and wanting to be re-accepted to the Church is God’s message and way of rescuing me. However, I’m not sure what to do now and it’s really taken a toll on me.

I really need your guidance on this. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but I know she’ll be unhappy if I suddenly want to abstain again. I love her and I’d hate breaking up.

Please do not judge or insult, I am doing my best and need advice on my addiction, but also my relationship with God and my girlfriend.

Your advice and prayers are welcome and appreciated.

God bless,
-ICcEny

 

[Vico]

I want to go to confession, but besides my anxieties about confession, I am worried that this will not stop

What is impossible for man is possible with God. So it is good to confess and receive absolution. You will receive support from your guardian angel also. Even in the face of habits, the will with grace of God can resist. Avoiding the occasions is a key. Even the married need to be able remain continent at times.

 

[CarmeliteKnight]

Have you tried praying the rosary? Thats what I used to help me overcome my lust. When you feel that urge, grab onto your rosary instead and just pray. Do it everyday and everytime you feel like you are under attack spiritually. It works wonders.

One of the promises Mother Mary gives with the rosary is that it will help you conquer any vice. I highly recommend it.

 

[HumbleIOughtToBe]

Screen Accountability™ | Covenant Eyes

I’d like to consider myself a moral person.

We all do.

besides my anxieties about confession

We all did, we went anyhow. Say your worst sin first, get it over with. All sins are about the same, all people are committing the same 10 sins in many different ways.

We plan on getting married after college.

That is the statement that made me not say, “reject her and find someone holier”.

I’ve tried to talk to her about it but I know she’ll be unhappy if I suddenly want to abstain again. I love her and I’d hate breaking up.

If she does not respect your Faith’s commands upon you before marriage, why would she respect it after?

 

[Timeflies2me]

I have had this addiction(masterbation) before for a long time. I lived very badly also, took me a while to realize people live like this too until they realize its wrong.

It took me quite some time to get into the habit of abstaining from these sorts of stuff. Although Im single, so I cant relate in anyway with relationships. Although from what I read it seems you are uncertain on letting your girlfriend know about this situation. Shouldnt be an indecisive issue if you are gonna marry her. Seems very reaosnable to let her know how you feel because if she isnt going to accept and submit like you are then I might go look somewhere else.

Again I aint in your shoes, never had that sort of stuff happen to me. But I can definitly relate to how it feels to have this realization that all my life I was living in grave sin.

Go to confession, I am not sugar coating this, easiest thing to do. Let the priest know the time and sin no more. Were human, we fall, but dont let it hold you back. Keep going to confession, it took me many times going to confession to finally discipline myself and get my life where it needs to be, back on the narrow road. Am I perfect? No, not even close. But none of us are, get close to God and discern your situations in your relationship. You’ll be in my prayers! Hope I helped out a bit

 

[TheLittleLady]

Pressure from my girlfriend (I feel like she wants to do things more than I do),

When two people respect each other they do not pressure the other to violate their conscience. Marriage requires deep mutual respect.

. It was a bonding experience more than anything close to casual.

Literally. Your bodies have created a chemical bond that God designed to unite married people, families, together. This bond outside of marriage blinds us in a way that is not healthy.

Please do not judge or insult, I am doing my best and need advice on my addiction, but also my relationship with God and my girlfriend.

Relationship with God comes first before anything. If your girlfriend cannot accept that order of things, that tells you something. Remember, she has the grace of her baptism on her soul. Watching you stand for God may re-kindle her faith.

 

[MockSock]

If you didn’t know that it was a mortal sin then it wasn’t one.

If you are only doing this because its an addiction and are really truly trying to stop then ‘responsibility can be diminished or even nullified’ CCC 1735. You have to be really unable to stop yourself, and really trying to avoid sin, for this to apply. You should still confess the sin.

Some practical advice, contact your girlfriend only around other people and during the day. I would say break up with her but it sounds like you’re serious about her, and its not really my business anyway.

 

[PetraG]

I really need your guidance on this. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but I know she’ll be unhappy if I suddenly want to abstain again. I love her and I’d hate breaking up.

Please do not judge or insult, I am doing my best and need advice on my addiction, but also my relationship with God and my girlfriend.

I think what you could really use is the continuing guidance of a real confessor or spiritual director.

Based on my experience with long-term relationships and relationships that have moved into habitual impurity, I’d say that even if both parties want to be appropriate that is very difficult to achieve unless marriage is on the near horizon. I really would suggest that you break off the romance for the near term. After that, devote yourself to self-mastery. Even if you give up serious sin immediately, realize that re-making your outlook will be a process. It is difficult to be both firm and yet merciful with yourself; get outside help!!

I have been where you are and I understand the resistance to doing it; I wouldn’t judge you if you don’t. In your place with my experience behind me, though, that is definitely my advice, both for your sake and for hers. (That does not even take into account the difficulty of having a Christian home when one spouse, especially the wife, has lost faith.)

 

[Donald_S]

Have you tried praying the rosary? Thats what I used to help me overcome my lust. When you feel that urge, grab onto your rosary instead and just pray. Do it everyday and everytime you feel like you are under attack spiritually. It works wonders.

One of the promises Mother Mary gives with the rosary is that it will help you conquer any vice. I highly recommend it.

Agreed, I have similar struggles and a daily rosary has helped immensely.

For the OP, I would also look into removing everything that causes you temptation. Get Net Nanny or some other filter for your phone and computer. Find someone to help keep you accountable and definitely go to confession. I’m still in RCIA so I don’t have access to confession yet (my priest wants me to wait until out class has covered it so he knows I fully understand it), but if you do, avail yourself of any grace/gift/tool that God gives you to be successful in Him

 

[Aquinas11]

I’d like to consider myself a moral person. However I feel terrible for everything and I want to go to confession, but besides my anxieties about confession, I am worried that this will not stop. Pressure from my girlfriend (I feel like she wants to do things more than I do), plus addiction will make it almost certain that I will commit these sins again.

 

[Lysander]

Vivat Jesus!
Look into the Old Testament figure of Onan for Scriptural condemnation of Masturbation.
If you are hesitant on going to confession for this. Just remember that priest have heard this confession before from others. They won’t look down on you, they also ask God at the end of confession to forget everything that was confessed to them. Now on the repeating of the sin, remember that it is an addiction that will take time to distance oneself from.
So if the sin happens again stay calm, pray, and go back to confession. Praying at Holy adoration and the Rosary are the surest ways (over time) to break sins hold on the soul.
I hope this helps. I will keep you in my prays.

 

[goout]

You are 17 years old and sexually active.
Are you prepared to care for an infant? Caring for an infant will make your sexual problems seem like a very small issue.

As for sexual addiction, prepare yourself for a long battle. People deceive themselves that rosary or a prayer program will solve an entrenched addiction. Prayer is a primary component for sure. And keep going to confession. But these are not magic potions.
Virtue by definition requires long and patient practice.

More than anything else, prepare yourself for a long battle. Expecting instant relief…that’s what masturbation provides. Think about that.

 

[Nihilo]

You developed a habit or addiction at a time when your brain was in the midst of earth shattering development, and your brain is still developing now, until you turn 25 or so, so you’re in the middle of physiological and psychological tumult. It’s the worst time to be introduced to vices that can become habit forming or addictive. The deck is stacked against you, but because the deck is stacked against you, Catholicism believes that your freedom in making choices in this matter is compromised, so you can’t be fully guilty of your sins in this matter, but this does not lighten the gravity of your sin either.

You need mercy more than anything. Also, have you read St. Paul’s personal account in Romans chapter seven?

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.