I need advice.

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Katholikos7

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Firstly, I’m not sure if this is the right place for this so if it isn’t, I apologize.

Secondly, The reason I came here for was to get some wise advice here.

I need some advice on this situation of mine.

But first some background. There is this girl I like. I know who she is because we used to be in the same confirmation class like 3 years ago. Back then, I was 17 and she was like 14, and I didn’t really notice her back then* (I was and Idiot).

Anyways, flash forward to the present. I saw her again in mass.
She’s beautiful. But the thing is , I’m incredibly shy. I have wanted to talk to her for a long time, but I haven’t risked that yet.

Every Sunday, I would go to mass, and I would see her(well, almost every sunday anyway). And everytime, I wanted to talk to her, but everytime, I didn’t. It was killing me inside(I know dramatic huh?). I so desperately wanted to talk to her, to know more about her. Then one day, I went to mass and saw her again, but again, I didn’t talk to her… I was fed up with my shyness!!! And I thought, “do I really want to wait another week to even get a chance to speak with her(assuming she even goes to that mass) ?” So I did the next best thing and sent her a friend request on myspace asking her if she even remebered me(for this too was one of my fears.) And she accepted the invitation. So I proceeded to exchange messages with her back and forth. This went on for about a week. We talked about many different things, and from what little I gathered, she seems like a very interesting person; someone I would very much like to get to know better. So sunday came again, and she didn’t go to the mass I went to. I had finally gathered enough courage to speak to her. But I didn’t see her. So I sent her another message telling her that I had really looked forward to talking to her IN PERSON. Then she never replied…So now, I’m not sure what to do anymore? Should I keep trying to reach her somehow(like through myspace). Or what? I’m just confused… and a little sad too. And it doesn’t help that I feel so lonely lately… Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

God Bless You All,
 
it’s not fair to you ***or ***to the girl for you to put so many of your hopes of ending your lonliness onto one person.

my advice:

practice people skills with many people. force yourself to talk to lots of people, cute girls, senior citizens, the mailman even. you might find many interesting people with whom you can share a moment of yourself

and

when you go to Mass, make that your time for worshiping the Lord, not for expanding social contacts.
 
Good advice from monicatholic.
Maybe your friend is out of town on vacation, or tied up in some other way. Maybe her phone or computer is down. Maybe her mother is sick and she’s taking care of her.
You could send her a final message that she’ll be sure to see, something like -I hoped to see you in person, and hope everything’s all right with you. Please let me know if you get this so I can stop worrying.
Then leave it up to her.
And follow the advice to make friends with other people as much as you can. Many other people are lonely and would love to meet someone to talk to. Some are cute girls, some are elderly, some are harried store clerks. Everyone appreciates a smile and a hi.
God bless.
 
I would just add, you may try to find a circle of friends or social club with like-minded people. A place where you feel relaxed and make friendships. E.g. my nephew who is about your age, did not get along very well with some of his peers at the college who were secular and un-Christian, but he has been attending a parish youth group for years, they go camping together etc, and apparently he enjoys that and made friends there. I also did many things when I was younger, e.g. we had a good youth group at my parish, we met once a week and I made lasting friendships there. We studied the Bible, prayed, played soccer, went on trips together etc. I also joined a very decent and Christian-minded dance club where I also made friends.

This is probably a good time for you to get out, meet people, and make friends. It is quite natural to feel somewhat shy and awkward around girls at this age. But being immersed in social situations, talking to both girls and boys, young and old people, will make you loosen up and take care of the shyness.
 
She’s 17. She’s in high school. You are 20. You are an adult.

You are in different places in your life. And, as for her not answering you on MySpace-- again, she’s 17. Why does a 17 year old girl do anything that she does? What phase of the moon is it???

Personally, I would not want a 20 year old showing interest in my high school daughter. And, you don’t know what her plans are for the next 5-6 years-- finishing high school, going to college.

Yes, you think she is pretty. But, what is the purpose of trying to start a relationship with a 17 year old high school girl?

As Monica advised, work on yourself for a while. Meet people your own age. Don’t put so much hope and wishing into someone you’ve never even talked to in person!
 
Practical advice: if someone is to reply, he will. If not, then not. If you force someone to reply, it’s not hard to predict the answer won’t be very favourable. And if someone is away or busy, streaming messages won’t speed them the process of replying. Besides, no one wants to get prodded. Think what if you found several messages from the same person following in quick succession. It would feel weird. One is enough. If there’s no answer after a couple of days, try again. If there’s no answer still, it’s probably time to give up.

And you need to get hold of the fear of loneliness. Being lonely is one thing, believing you’re less of a man for not having a girlfriend is something completely different. Don’t give in to obsessions.
 
Katholikos7 said:
I’m just confused… and a little sad too. And it doesn’t help that I feel so lonely lately… Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
QUOTE]

I can understand completely where you’re coming from! When I was younger, I bemoaned many unrequited crushes and didn’t truly feel at peace with myself until I focused more on my relationship with God, learning about my faith and pursuing fellowship with like-minded Catholic peers. I wasn’t truly ready until I was at peace with being single and open to being patient… I dated several guys during college, but didn’t enter into my first (and current) relationship until I was 21.

I second Joseph that seeking out a Christian or Catholic young adult group is a great way to build friendships and learn about your faith with like-minded people… I’ve grown so much as an individual since joining my parish’s young adult group and gotten involved in activities like sports, swing dancing, service, bible studies, outreach, theology on tap. It is sometimes a challenge to break into young adult groups where you don’t know anyone, but the initial discomfort is well worth the effort.

It is true that you’re both at different places in your life and that in and of itself presents a challenge to pursuing anything beyond friendship at this point. Try not to make her the central focus of all your hopes and dreams! No one can take that pressure at the age of 17 🙂 It is good that you desire to initiate a relationship as not too many young men these days are willing to put forth the effort, but I encourage you to be patient and pray about it. If you broaden your horizons, good things can happen in God’s time!
Click to expand...
 
1ke said:
She’s 17. She’s in high school. You are 20. You are an adult.

You are in different places in your life. And, as for her not answering you on MySpace-- again, she’s 17. Why does a 17 year old girl do anything that she does? What phase of the moon is it???

Personally, I would not want a 20 year old showing interest in my high school daughter. And, you don’t know what her plans are for the next 5-6 years-- finishing high school, going to college.

Yes, you think she is pretty. But, what is the purpose of trying to start a relationship with a 17 year old high school girl?

As Monica advised, work on yourself for a while. Meet people your own age. Don’t put so much hope and wishing into someone you’ve never even talked to in person!
Click to expand...
As I typically do, I agree with 1ke. 🙂

I would not want my 20 yr old son (he is 16 now) pursuing a high school girl, and I would not PERMIT my 17 yo daughter to date a MAN who is 20. You are young, but as 1ke addresses, in very different stages of life…or should be. lol :o I also agree with monica.
 
monicatholic said:
it’s not fair to you ***or ***

when you go to Mass, make that your time for worshiping the Lord, not for expanding social contacts.
Click to expand...
You are absolutely right. Thanks for that. I really needed that. I don’t think there are any “youth groups” for my age group at my parish though…
 
Viki63 said:
Good advice from monicatholic.
Maybe your friend is out of town on vacation, or tied up in some other way. Maybe her phone or computer is down. Maybe her mother is sick and she’s taking care of her.
You could send her a final message that she’ll be sure to see, something like -I hoped to see you in person, and hope everything’s all right with you. Please let me know if you get this so I can stop worrying.
Then leave it up to her.
And follow the advice to make friends with other people as much as you can. Many other people are lonely and would love to meet someone to talk to. Some are cute girls, some are elderly, some are harried store clerks. Everyone appreciates a smile and a hi.
God bless.
Click to expand...
Good advice. Yeah, I’m pretty lonely right now. Many of my friends have figured out what to do with their lives and have moved on while I have remained where I’m at, still trying to figure it out. All of my old friends have become somewhat distant from me and many are either married, or about to be. They all seem so happy. Maybe I see this and I want that for myself too? I don’t know… But your’e right. I’ll slow down a bit.
 
chevalier said:
Practical advice: if someone is to reply, he will. If not, then not. If you force someone to reply, it’s not hard to predict the answer won’t be very favourable. And if someone is away or busy, streaming messages won’t speed them the process of replying. Besides, no one wants to get prodded. Think what if you found several messages from the same person following in quick succession. It would feel weird. One is enough. If there’s no answer after a couple of days, try again. If there’s no answer still, it’s probably time to give up.

And you need to get hold of the fear of loneliness. Being lonely is one thing, believing you’re less of a man for not having a girlfriend is something completely different. Don’t give in to obsessions.
Click to expand...
I don’t believe that I’ve given in to any obsessions. Or maybe I’ve given in to the obsession of being afraid of being lonely? I think I see this now. 'thanks. And Yea, I have given some thought to what you said regarding the barrage of messages before, just today actually.But yea, thanks.
 
1ke said:
She’s 17. She’s in high school. You are 20. You are an adult.

You are in different places in your life. And, as for her not answering you on MySpace-- again, she’s 17. Why does a 17 year old girl do anything that she does? What phase of the moon is it???

Personally, I would not want a 20 year old showing interest in my high school daughter. And, you don’t know what her plans are for the next 5-6 years-- finishing high school, going to college.

Yes, you think she is pretty. But, what is the purpose of trying to start a relationship with a 17 year old high school girl?

As Monica advised, work on yourself for a while. Meet people your own age. Don’t put so much hope and wishing into someone you’ve never even talked to in person!
Click to expand...
I"m 19, soon to be twenty. Shes 17, soon to be 18. But technically, were at similar stages in life. I Plan to go to college also soon, and she does as well.

I have a friend who met her now husband at at her church(she isn’t catholic) while in high school. She was 17 and he was 22. Now, they’re happily married.

I mean, it’s not like there is that much of a difference between her age and mine. What if these events which I described had happened one year from now? Shed be 18 and I 21. Would it still be considered “innapropriate” in your eyes"? My intentions with this girl are pure. At the very least, I want to pursue a friendship with her and take it from there.

Let’s not got to extremes and say that I would date a 15 year old girl if I found her attractive(not that I would).

But I agree with one thing right off the bat. I shouldn’t put all my hopes and dreams into one person. Maybe not even God, because who knows what his plans are for me(he does :D). Whatever dreams I may have now may not even be part of God’s plan.But I could be wrong about that… I’ve got to be more patient with myself. It’s something I’ve always had trouble with. I can be patient with everyone else relatively easily, and forgiving with everyone, but with myself, these things are not so. I need to learn… Thank for your advice.

And thanks to everyone else who has given me sound advice(everyone so far). I think I can manage these feelings now.😉
 
I would not send anymore messages, that would seem creepy to me. If you feel the way you say, then talk to her, grow up and talk to her face to face. If she is not interested then move on.
 
spini_boys said:
I would not send anymore messages, that would seem creepy to me. If you feel the way you say, then talk to her, grow up and talk to her face to face. If she is not interested then move on.
Click to expand...
I realize this now. I think its too late though… thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut 🙂 Desperation reduces my mental faculties greatly it seems…It’s not that I’m afraid (now anyways) but I will ease up a bit. Some people have a hard time" growing up" as you put it. It’s been that way for me for as long as I can remember. But anyways, thanks for your comment.
 
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