I need relationship help (again)

[coolduude]

Hello all,

I though I might as well ask and see what I get back.

Well, to start off, I’ll give a little background.

I’v been going out with this girl for about 3 months. In that time, we’ve been to 3 movies and one bowling date.

I know for a fact this girl loves me. Yes, this is high school love, but she loves me. I can’t stress that enough.

My problem lies here:

I feel like I’ve been letting her down. In all 4 dates we haven’t even hugged. All we do is talk to each other. Nothing more, really. Nothing less, either.

I think I’m just too timid and shy for my own good. I don’t want to create awkward moments, so I’ve been avoiding a lot of stuff I guess.

What should I do?

Please help! I don’t want to dissapoint this girl!

Thank you so much in advance,
coolduude

 

[danaemariejoan]

Hello all,

I though I might as well ask and see what I get back.

Well, to start off, I’ll give a little background.

I’v been going out with this girl for about 3 months. In that time, we’ve been to 3 movies and one bowling date.

I know for a fact this girl loves me. Yes, this is high school love, but she loves me. I can’t stress that enough.

My problem lies here:

I feel like I’ve been letting her down. In all 4 dates we haven’t even hugged. All we do is talk to each other. Nothing more, really. Nothing less, either.

I think I’m just too timid and shy for my own good. I don’t want to create awkward moments, so I’ve been avoiding a lot of stuff I guess.

What should I do?

Please help! I don’t want to dissapoint this girl!

Thank you so much in advance,
coolduude

It depends mostly on the girl. Do you know if she is likely to wait for you even though it might be a long time? If she really likes you, its seems that she would wait until you were ready. I know that girls wait for guys to make the first move because I’m like that, but if you never do make the move you will miss out on a great opportunity. Also you have to consider how much you like her.

 

[Eucharisted]

You can ask her if she’d like to hug. And tell her about your shyness. Communication is essential in a relationship.

 

[danaemariejoan]

I agree with Eucharisted because communication is definitely essential. If you cannot tell your girlfriend about your personality then it is very unlikely that you will have a good relationship with her even as a friend. Good luck.

 

[jlyn1110]

If you are comfortable with it, what about starting with a smaller amount of physical contact? Like the knights of old, you could assist her with her coat or offer her your hand as she’s climbing out of the car. While you’re talking, you could gently touch her hand, especially if you’re talking about something that is especially important to you.

By starting small, you’ll be able to judge what level of physical contact is comfortable to her at this stage of your dating relationship. Maybe she is just as shy and nervous as you are - starting small might make it easier for you to talk about your preferences as far as hugging and hand-holding are concerned. Also, there are some people out there who just don’t like to be touched, especially if they are still getting to know someone. Keep this in mind, and be respectful of her feelings.

And try not to stress about disappointing her. I know a lot of women who find it very endearing when their significant others try to do something just so. The fact that you are so aware of her feelings and needs probably means the world to her.

 

[Viki63]

You really can’t know someone well enough to love them in 3 months, with 4 dates, especially in high school.
At that age, it’s best to just stay friends. Your job is to get to know many different kinds of people, as friends, to discern what type of person you get along with, how to relate to people, what kind of person you might like to marry. No need for physical contact, just be friends.
The mistake many people in our culture make is rushing into physical things, like kissing, too soon. Then the physical tends to take priority and the relationship doesn’t progress.

 

[monicatholic]

cool,

i bet you are a really nice guy. that a fella would care so much how his girlfriend feels about him shows you’re a sensitive guy.

so why worry about forcing physical contact? respect your comfort level. respect your obvious emotional modesty. respect your concern for chastity. be happy you’re interested in what’s best for your gf.

these are wonderful traits of goodness.

instead of hugs, how about spending time talking to her face to face and look at her-- right in her eyes when you’re talking to each other. listen to her thoughts, ask her about her ideas. remember things she’s told you and bring them up to talk about.

this is the kind of reaL life face to face/ person to person/ mind to mind/ heart to heart contact we all need.

 

[Jofantioch]

Dear Cool,

It’s not clear from your post how YOU feel. Are you physically attracted to her? Do you fantasize about kissing her? Boys your age have quite a few sexual thoughts throughout the day, that is quite normal. You’ve gotten a new body in the past 5 years and that delivery is probably still under way.

Once you’ve identified your physical desires, share them with her. Take her out for a warm drink (more soothing than a cold one) and tell her…

" I’m so attracted to you, but I also respect you and your boundaries. Just wanted you to know that you are beautiful and desireable…"

or

“I love spending time with you, but the chemistry isn’t there for me. I don’t know if it’s a type of girl or even that you are a girl that doesn’t attract me, I’m still sorting it out.”

or

If she complains of a muscle ache, rub her back or arm etc. This is High School flirtation 101. They do back rubs.

or

ask an older brother for some (name removed by moderator)ut. Learning “moves” is very risky and scary, but the payoff of affection is great.

Hope this helps

 

[chevalier]

Hello all,

I though I might as well ask and see what I get back.

Well, to start off, I’ll give a little background.

I’v been going out with this girl for about 3 months. In that time, we’ve been to 3 movies and one bowling date.

I know for a fact this girl loves me. Yes, this is high school love, but she loves me. I can’t stress that enough.

My problem lies here:

I feel like I’ve been letting her down. In all 4 dates we haven’t even hugged. All we do is talk to each other. Nothing more, really. Nothing less, either.

I think I’m just too timid and shy for my own good. I don’t want to create awkward moments, so I’ve been avoiding a lot of stuff I guess.

What should I do?

Please help! I don’t want to dissapoint this girl!

Thank you so much in advance,
coolduude

Man, I’m 26, so hardly a teenager, and I wish that kind of thing would happen to me, so I could just talk, i.e. concentrate on what’s important instead of charming up and engaging in physical expression. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you and you are not letting the girl down. Reject the modern thinking that you need to do something because you’re in a relationship or dating.

At the same time, do not deny to hug someone who obviously needs it, the same way as if you would hug a friend who needed it, a sister, or a child. Sometimes people need a hug. If you can read it in their eyes, then yes, don’t be cold, don’t keep them at bay. Otherwise no desperate need to do it.

Dear Cool,

It’s not clear from your post how YOU feel. Are you physically attracted to her? Do you fantasize about kissing her? Boys your age have quite a few sexual thoughts throughout the day, that is quite normal. You’ve gotten a new body in the past 5 years and that delivery is probably still under way.

Fantasising about sex is grave matter. Fantasising about kissing is not per se, but it is not a prudent idea. There’s nothing wrong with a young man who doesn’t fantasise about kissing a young woman. There may be something wrong with him if he doesn’t experience such thoughts, but when he doesn’t allow himself to entertain them (i.e. fantasise), then he’s behaving appropriately.

By the way, nothing wrong with 101 or asking brother for (name removed by moderator)ut. But let’s not create an impression that a young man must “perform”.

At this stage of my life I can read a ton of things from a single touch or even glance. I have no problem with physical affection, even between a friends and I have no problem being seen walking arm in arm with a lady friend. I will even hug a guy friend for that matter. Still, most of the time, I don’t really feel like getting physical and proving something. I could pull off so much more than a simple 101. Except, the question is, what for? One of my best memories is meeting up with a girl every week to play chess in a cafe in the morning.