I need some advice on where to go from here

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lucky4075

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I feel like I really need some help, the people on here for the most part have been very helpful so for, so here it goes.

For about a year now I have been riding a roller coaster of so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind. This isn’t the first time I’ve posted on this subject, and I feel that I need help. For about a year now I have been trying to discern my vocation, and really only two things ever come to mind- US Coast Guard or police officer. I can’t explain it, it’s just that these are really the only things I feel called to or can even imagine myself doing. I want to protect other people, I want to be that thin line that every else counts on.

I think that I suffer from scrupulosity, because my original concerns about these fields was the morality of killing and self defense. I know the Church teachings and they have been explained to me by my priest and many very helpful and kind people on here. The problem is my conscience (or maybe my scruples) keep coming and bothering me. After my priest or some explains it to me, I feel peace about the subject, but sure enough a couple weeks later I start to doubt it again. It’s been tough because I just feel anxiety all the time and doubt myself.

So, is this just some kind of scrupulosity or ocd that is bothering me, or is it my conscience/ God’s way of telling me to look elsewhere? I pray about the matter but things don’t seem to get any clearer. I had never ever thought of making pacifism my way of life before, but I saw a quote from Vatican 2 which kind of brought me here again:

“Those who renounce violence and bloodshed and, in order to safeguard human rights, make use of those means of defense available to the weakest, bear witness to evangelical charity, provided they do so without harming the rights and obligations of other men and societies. They bear legitimate witness to the gravity of the physical and moral risks of recourse to violence, with all its destruction and death.” [Cf. Vatican II, Gaudium et spes 78, 5]

To me this is confusing because I feel like the clergy is saying, while self defense isn’t sinful we really have a soft spot for pacifism and never defending your life is more in line with being Christian. Im just confused and I don’t know how to handle everything going through my head any more.
 
i don’t believe you’re being overly scrupulous at all. i think these are very serious matters, and while i’m not 100% certain on my own position regarding this, it is a worthwhile inner battle that you’re going through right now…its one i wish everyone in those fields of service would go through.

IF violence is sometimes necessary, then it should at least be accompanied with a vivid and painful recognition of its gravity. It should at least always remain a terribly difficult thing to swallow.

One problem I’ve always had with joining the service or even a police force, is that I wouldn’t even be in charge of my own violence. If someone above me deems it right for me to kill or harm someone, i’d be virtually forced to do it. I don’t like that at all.
 
I’m not sure about the Coast Guard, but I don’t think police officers are ever ordered to kill someone. Many police officers go their entire career without ever discharging their weapon. Someone in my family served as a police officer for 30 years (and only a few of those years were behind a desk) and she never did.

To say that Gaudium et Spes 78 is holding up pacifism as the ideal all Catholics must adhere to is a misinterpretation of the text. GS 78 issues “praise” for those who choose that path, but it does not say that it is the only moral path for a Catholic to take. Indeed, it also issues the qualification: “…provided this can be done without injury to the rights and duties of others or of the community itself.”

As a police officer, taking a stance of absolute pacifism cannot be done “without injury to the rights and duties of others or of the community itself.” If a crazed gunman is about to shoot into a crowd of children, playing the pacifist card is going to lead to great harm to many innocent people and injury to the community as a whole.

One would certainly need to come to terms with that possibility (however remote it might be). But I don’t think it means you have to resolve all your feelings 100% before moving forward. If you strongly feel called to that type of work, then start moving in that direction and see if the inner turmoil gets better or worse.

Of course, the best thing you could do would be to find a good spiritual director to help you in your discernment process.
 
I think Im just not understanding the big picture here. So an individual can deny their right to self defense if its just their own life at risk? This seems like a form of suicide to me- God gave you life and its as if your saying I dont want to get my hands dirty at any cost. I guess if the other person you killed was an unbelievers that they could possibly go to Hell and you might feel responsible, but just because we are Catholic doesn’t mean we are guaranteed Heaven automatically when we die. Would a refusal of self defense be like a form of martyrdom for an individual? :confused:
 
lucky, it would seem to me that you might want to talk further with your priest about scrupulosity and how this internal debate/struggle continues to plague you. quite frankly, I do not think that you would be fit for duty so long as you continue to suffer such overwhelming doubt and black/white thinking. please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not at all saying that you would never be fit for duty in our military or law enforcement, but with those thoughts plaguing you, it would not be a good choice–for you or for your fellow officers.

Have you read a book called “…officer down, code three”? is it dated but you might find it helpful to you as you think about your choices from the point of view of surviving as a police officer and making sure that your partner gets home safely too.
 
Luke 3:14

"Then some soldiers asked him, “And what should we do?”
He replied, “Don’t extort money, and don’t accuse people falsely–be content with your pay.”

Jesus didn’t say you couldn’t be one.
 
I trust the CCC because its the teaching of God and His Son through the Church, but I dont understand. It says self defense and all of those things are moral but it also pretty much says pacifism is moral as well. Am I missing something? Something is either moral or it isn’t, how can two things that are opposites be equally moral and justifiable?
 
lucky4075 said:
I trust the CCC because its the teaching of God and His Son through the Church, but I dont understand. It says self defense and all of those things are moral but it also pretty much says pacifism is moral as well. Am I missing something? Something is either moral or it isn’t, how can two things that are opposites be equally moral and justifiable?
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Simply because one option is morally licit does not mean that all other options are morally evil. There can be more than one morally licit course of action.
 
If you think you suffer from scrupulosity or OCD, please seek professional counseling for that **before **you tackle any other life issues such as your profession in life.
 
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