I need some help with my invalid marriage...very confused and very depressed

[lindeno]

In December it will be two years that I’ve been married to my non-Catholic husband. He was married before to a Non-Catholic in one of those non-denominational churches. When we got married, I had ‘stars in my eyes’ and wasn’t thinking that it just wasn’t a big deal not to get married in the church. Since then, I’ve done alot of reading. I haven’t gone to communion in 2+ years and I really miss it. I’m just so sad all of the time. Before we got married, my husband said that he would be willing to have his first marriage annulled but now when I mention it he acts like I’m crazy, tells me to ‘read the Bible’ or ‘that’s a Catholic, thing’. I’m so depressed and don’t know where to turn. I’m worried about my soul. I want to go to Heaven. He, like most Protestants, don’t understand that our Catholic beliefs are Bible based.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel so, so stuck and so, so stupid.

 

[VivienneJ]

Does anyone have any advice? I feel so, so stuck and so, so stupid.

Advice? Speak to your priest. He is the one who can assess all the facts and help you take the steps, whatever they may be to correct this situation.

For the way you feel at the moment, this :hug3:is the best thing I can think of right now…then…speak to your priest.

 

[damooster]

I wish I had an answer for you and I am now interested to hear how this situation would be handled.

Until then, you are in my prayers.

 

[Like]

Yes! Please contact your parish priest ASAP!

You are in our prayers.

 

[Just_Lurking]

I wish I had an answer for you and I am now interested to hear how this situation would be handled.

The Catholic rules on this are clear: The OP is not really married. She is living in sin. Every time she engages in relations with her “husband”, she is actually committing another act of adultery/fornication. If her “husband” refuses to apply for an annulment, or is unable to obtain one because his first marriage is indeed valid, then the OP needs to separate from this man and obtain a civil divorce, to reconcile her civil status with her actual marital status under God. Only then can she go back to confession and then communion.

 

[damooster]

The Catholic rules on this are clear: The OP is not really married. She is living in sin. Every time she engages in relations with her “husband”, she is actually committing another act of adultery/fornication. If her “husband” refuses to apply for an annulment, or is unable to obtain one because his first marriage is indeed valid, then the OP needs to separate from this man and obtain a civil divorce, to reconcile her civil status with her actual marital status under God. Only then can she go back to confession and then communion.

So she doesn’t need this marriage annulled because she was never validly married to him in the first place?

 

[Just_Lurking]

So she doesn’t need this marriage annulled because she was never validly married to him in the first place?

No, she will still need an annulment/investigation. Remember than an annulment doesn’t somehow make a valid marriage invalid. Instead, an annulment is merely an official declaration that an already invalid marriage is actually invalid.

 

[damooster]

No, she will still need an annulment/investigation. Remember than an annulment doesn’t somehow make a valid marriage invalid. Instead, an annulment is merely an official declaration that an already invalid marriage is actually invalid.

Thank you very much for the clarification, Just Lurking.

 

[dixieagle]

No, she will still need an annulment/investigation. Remember than an annulment doesn’t somehow make a valid marriage invalid. Instead, an annulment is merely an official declaration that an already invalid marriage is actually invalid.

If I read the OP correctly, it is her husband whose first marriage would require the decree of nullity in order for their union to be regularized in the eyes of the Church.

 

[Brenda_V]

lindeno - the best advice you have gotten is to go speak to your Priest or Deacon at your Parish. What you have to tell them will not be new to them. One of the things they are there for is to help with such spiritual and Sacramental matters!

Please do not listen to all the others on here about your situation. You can not and should not give us all the details of what is going on so we can not give you proper advice but you can and should give those details to your local Priest/Deacon who can then ask you the right questions to help you figure out what your next step is.

My prayers are with you as you go on this journey.

Brenda V.

 

[Just_Lurking]

If I read the OP correctly, it is her husband whose first marriage would require the decree of nullity in order for their union to be regularized in the eyes of the Church.

The discussion you quoted was relative to the OP obtaining a civil divorce from her “husband” in order to regularize her status with the Catholic Church. In this eventuality, the OP would need an annulment/investigation before she could licitly remarry.

 

[Ginger2]

First, speaking as an ex-catholic,

Go to your priest and get the guidance you need!!!

Second, You said your fiance agreed to get an annulment. That tells me you thought about it ahead of time, knew you couldn’t validly marry him, but married him invalidly any.

Third. You are wrong to place any blame on him for this situation. It is all on you and you need to take responsibility.

1. He told you he was willing to get an annulment so the two of you could marry.
2. You married him without getting the annulment
3. In his mind there is no need to get the annulment because the purpose was so he could marry the woman he loves and you are already married!!!

To complain that he agreed and now is backing out is to place blame on him for your error.

Go see your priest ASAP, you are undoubtedly causing more distress in your marriage by fretting over this when you could try to get it fixed.

As a Protestant, I sincerely hope the church does not force you to reconcile to the church thru divorcing your husband. That would be IMO a bigger tragedy for both of you. You can’t undo the past, but you can avoid making new mistakes.

God Bless

 

[puzzleannie]

Speak to your priest, there are possibilities for a Catholic married to an uncooperative non-Catholic, but it may not be fast or easy, only he can help you after you give him complete and honest details about your own situation. Make an appointment, this is not an after church conversation.

This will leave unresolved the deeper issue of a husband who breaks his promises and shows no respect for the deepest feelings and beliefs of his wife. That you will need to address through counselling, pastoral care etc. A healthy marriage cannot build on this rocky foundation.

You sound like you are being very honest with yourself on how you got into this situation, which was a rather quick and casual decision, and that you understand the solution will be anything but quick and casual. that is the first step. Obedience and humble submission to Christ’s teaching on marriage, transmitted through his Church, is the key to restoring spiritual health. We will be praying for you.

 

[jeanannemarie]

The hardest part is taking the first step. As has been suggested, see your priest as soon as possible. A commitment to address this is the most difficult part. After you make the decision to move forward in the way that you know you have to go, God will take you through it one day at a time. You will come to the end of the journey in God’s time and you will have peace. Once you actually get started you can live each day knowing you are doing what you are supposed to do. Time will take care of the rest. Don’t get wrapped up in regrets. God loves us and he honors your wish to put things right. He is your loving Father, go to Him, which you do through the Church and your priest. That was my own experience. It was long and difficult and worth every effort I had to make.

 

[Ginger2]

This will leave unresolved the deeper issue of a husband who breaks his promises a…

You sound like you are being very honest with yourself on how you got into this situation, …

This is exactly why I posted in the first place.

The RC woman says we can’t get married unless your previous marriage is annulled first by the RC

The Protestant Fiance says OK I’ll get it annulled because I love you and want to marry you.

The RC woman make wedding arrangements and they get married

The Protestant husband thinks everything is fine, but soon the RC wife says “You broke your promise. Why aren’t you getting you 1st marriage annulled?”

The Protestant husband doesn’t understand why he needs to go thru all that trouble, because the only reason to do it was so they could get married and in his eyes they are already married. It’s a silly waste of time.

The RC wife blames the Prtotestant husband for preventing them from having a valid marriage and her RC brothers and sister affirm it is all his fault.

The Protestant husband doesn’t understand because they are all ready legally married and his church agrees.

But that’'s OK. I’m sure catholics can experience huge spiritual growth by excusing their mistakes because they were star struck and excuse themselve further by blaming Protestants not doing what they need to do to do what they have already done.

In He doesn’t need an annullment because he is already married.

It couldn’t have been as crucial as she says or she wouldn’t have married him outside the Catholic church without getting the annulment first.

Obviously she exaggerated the need for an annulment or she would have never married him without it.

 

[puzzleannie]

since none of us knows any of the parties involved, nor we do know any more about OP’s situation that what is posted, there is no occasion for making judgements and decrees which place blame. There is also no occasion for posting false or irrelevant information about the topic of marriage and annulment in general, because making such applications to an individuals situation here is positively useful and could be downright dangerous.

The best advice has already been given: see your priest so you can get practical and pastoral guidance on all facets of your situation, and ask questions that go deeper than “do I need an annulment” or “why can I not receive the sacraments.” It may be interesting to hear shared experience of others who have gone through similar scenarios, but it is not really helpful to someone asking a sincere question, who is responding to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to return to the sacraments and bring her life in line with God’s will for here, to be scolded and condemned.

One thing every poster here has in common is that we all will be praying for you.

 

[CLMCatholic]

since none of us knows any of the parties involved, nor we do know any more about OP’s situation that what is posted, there is no occasion for making judgements and decrees which place blame.

Absolutely
Dear lindeno
I am so sorry. :nope: You came to Catholic Answers for prayerful advice. What you got, in part, was judgementalism, accusations, and finger-pointing. Please do not be disillusioned or deterred from trying to make things right in your life.

The best advice has already been given: see your priest

This is the only advice that anyone on this site can offer you with respect to the issue you raised. We do not know the details or the whole story (nor do we need to). Be open and honest with your priest. He will direct you on the next steps that need to be taken.

What we can offer to you (and everyone else who asks), for this and any other struggle that you face in life, are our encouragement and prayers. We will pray for you that your struggles may meet with a resolution, and that all involved may find peace in that eventuality.

Peace to all and God Bless,
CLM
<><

 

[Ginger2]

…the deeper issue of a husband who breaks his promises and shows no respect for the deepest feelings and beliefs of his wife. That you will need to address through counselling, pastoral care etc. A healthy marriage cannot build on this rocky foundation.

You sound like you are being very honest with yourself …

Yes there is judgmental attitudes here.

lindeno,

We all make mistakes. God still loves you. But don’t blame your husband unless you want to get a divorce.

I’ve explained from a Protestant view how he probably interpreted your getting married without the annulment, and doesn’t understand why something that hasn’t been a problem, suddenly is.

He did not break his promise to you. You voided the promise when you married without the annulment.

Stop beating yourself and your husband up over this. Go see your priest to see how this can be corrected.

Take responsibility for your situation - because young and starry eyed or not - you are responsible. Taking responsibility is good for the soul. It will eventually become a blessing in your life.

Odds are your husband will begin to understand and want to cooperate - unless he really is "a husband who breaks his promises and shows no respect for [you] and [your] feelings]

Ginger

 

[Bluegoat]

I couldn’t tell from your post what was involved in you mentioning the annulment to your dh. Was it just casual, or did you tell him what you have said here? It may be he doesn’t realize how much this has been bothering you. If that is the case, tell him, and that you didn’t realize at first how important it really was to you.

 

[Tradycja]

Does anyone have any advice? I feel so, so stuck and so, so stupid.

I would not suggest that you go to just any parish priest for advice. There is a crisis in the Church and if you go to just any priest you might get bad advice.

I don’t know where you are living but I would recommend a priest of the Priestly Fraternity of Saint Peter fssp.com/press/
The Institute of Christ the King, institute-christ-king.org/, a diocesan priest who offers the Traditional Mass (approved by the local diocese), or an Eastern Catholic priest for your initial advice and then that priest can direct you to good priests in the diocese.

Ultimately you will need to go through your parish for any official processes, but just from personal experience (not from your particular problem, but other problems) going to *any *parish priest whatsoever is dangerous, you don’t know what kind of advice you are going to get. (Just to give an example of when I just went to any random priest, I was told in the confession advice that Obama is not pro-abortion!).

So my advice would be go to a priest from one of these groups*** first ***and then that priest can guide you from there.