Your guy sounds a bit like yours truly. If there’s perpetual coming back to an issue, it means there’s a perpetual problem. Simple as this.
It’s one thing if something happens once, is owned up to, apologised for, forgiven, forgotten or laid to rest, then someone brings it up for additional torment and for hurts. It’s another thing if one party feels it has the right to bury an issue while it’s not to be buried yet. It’s not to be buried yet because both need to be ready to bury it. It’s annoying for you to hear him bring things up over and over again, but it may well be annoying for him to see you cut things before they are talked over properly. Properly as in really properly, or properly as he sees them. The former is, well, an objective matter and objective problem, so he may have a point there (although he should respect your feelings), the latter is subjective but it does deserve consideration because it’s his feelings.
I’ve been accused by my exes of going on and on about things or bringing things up again, but in my (subjective and then, not now) perception, they were just trying to dodge important issues, to silence down discussion or dissent and I didn’t like that. I felt violated when they tried to call discussion over without my having anything to say in the matter. He may feel the same.
I think he needs to feel that his doubts, his concerns and his worries, as well as simply his problems receive enough consideration. He probably needs to feel that he gets and will get enough time to express them, that you won’t become impatient and that you will let him finish. Also, if you want past issues not to come back, you need to solve them, not shoo them under the carpet. Not saying you actually do that, mind you, but coming back over and over again to past issues suggests that they are not solved. Being denied solution of such issues feels very cruel and damaging, I can tell you from experience…
He mentioned communicating. It’s probably his perception that you failed to communicate something, but two things are certain: he notices such things as communication (really, not many guys do, or care), and what he would like to be communicated to him does not get communicated to him in such a way that he could understood. Maybe you both need to slow down for a while and deal with communication? Let me be clear: I’m not blaming any of you, it’s just things that happen and that can be helped.
Also, if there are controversies about what’s right and what’s not, like sharing rooms, this or that distance, this or that thing to do or not to do, whatever is related to chastity, propriety, sexuality, the party who’s expected to concede may feel violated, whereas the party who wants something is merely not getting it (although in some cases might suffer rejection, but that’s rarely a well-founded feeling). It seems to mean to him more than it does to you (and I’m one of the people who don’t actually care so much, so I’m not really with him on this one, although given the children, I’d likely be doubly careful and get the separate rooms perhaps), so a concession on his part would be more damaging to him than your concession to you. Maybe concentrate on the matter itself, not on having a problem with him having a problem with it, or wanting him to concede?
For a final word, perhaps talk to him about how it makes you feel that he dwells on things and doesn’t let them rest. Maybe ask him why he keeps coming back to them. If he has unresolved issues, ask him what they are. Tell him what you would like him to communicate to you (and maybe how, because the how of it also matters) and ask him the same. Chances are that if he’s a big talker and big thinker about his issues, he will listen out yours and will be trying to spare you the same fate he knows (it should be easier for him to empathise with unresolved issues than for a person who doesn’t have them himself, and your problem with his coming back to unresolved issues is, well, an unresolved issue on its own
- see how things go in circles… it’s difficult to get out of such circles sometimes). It won’t hurt if you tell him that you feel he loves you unconditionally, or that you love him as well.
As for you, I’ll be praying for you. Don’t let it take away the joy of your life. As you said, the man loves you unconditionally. And if he doesn’t and if you are incompatible then well, better to split up than to marry and suffer till death, anyway. At any rate, I’ll shut up now because I’m a lawyer, not a psychologist.
Take care and hope it works out the best for you two and the children.
