I need your prayers!

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migurl

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Last night I was at my fiance’s house (he lives alone) and he was looking thru some drawers to find letters I wrote to him. He was in the shower, and I remembered that he keeps them under his mattress, so I looked…I found a porn film instead. I Confronted him with it and he confessed to having a problem…I felt so sick and so scared. He stared to cry, no sob…I have forgiven him as much as I can, but quite obviously it isn’t easy to deal with this…I have so many thoughts and feelings going thru my mind right now and I don’t know what to do. I am not going to leave him, I still love him very much and I know I can help him. I helped him overcome his issues with self-gratification, so I know I can help him with this, but I am so scared. Any advice and prayers would be appreciated. Thank you so much and God bless.
 
it would be inappropriate to give personal advice or counselling on this forum, but I think every wife here would agree that you both need professional and spiritual counselling on this issue before marriage from those who respect Catholic teaching on marriage and sexual morality.
 
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migurl:
Last night I was at my fiance’s house (he lives alone) and he was looking thru some drawers to find letters I wrote to him. He was in the shower, and I remembered that he keeps them under his mattress, so I looked…I found a porn film instead. I Confronted him with it and he confessed to having a problem…I felt so sick and so scared. He stared to cry, no sob…I have forgiven him as much as I can, but quite obviously it isn’t easy to deal with this…I have so many thoughts and feelings going thru my mind right now and I don’t know what to do. I am not going to leave him, I still love him very much and I know I can help him. I helped him overcome his issues with self-gratification, so I know I can help him with this, but I am so scared. Any advice and prayers would be appreciated. Thank you so much and God bless.
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While I do realize how hard this is on you right now… and you fiance is the one who did wrong… your issues will be overcome by focusing on him right now. Recognize that he did come clean… admits he has a problem, and was obviously very ashamed and sorry about it.

I assume you guys tossed the item out. I also assume he has already been to confession. The next step would be for you guys to go talk to the priest involved in your marriage prep. Pray daily for him, and pray that he can overcome this temptation / sin.

As far as “I have forgiven him as much as I can”… forgive him completley and love him with every ounce of energy you have. I know it is not easy…
 
Dear OP,

Many people fall prey to the lures of pornography and self-gratification. You seem to love your fiance and genuinely want to help him overcome his addiction (because that is what it is).

Here’s what I would do to help him.
  • Direct him toward a Catholic organization that helps men kick the habit. (a good one is www.dads.org)
  • Support him in his efforts.
  • Encourage him to be completely open with you and make sure he knows that you love him and want what’s best for him.
  • Rearrange his apartment (with his permission of course :rolleyes: ) so that it is more difficult for him to engage in those activities.
  • Get him to a priest.
  • Come up with things to fill his time, so that he is not tempted.
    These are some of the things that might help. There are other ideas you may want to use also. Keep in mind that he probably doesn’t want to be addicted to pornography. Talk to him about it. I’m not convinced that “professional” help will be any good to him, as it is a very private problem. He would most likely wish to overcome it on his own, with your help.
I think that spiritual guidance on an individual basis and together would be beneficial, especially for his understanding of the reasons behind the Church’s teachings on human sexuality and the dignity of human persons.

Hope this helps you. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

God bless,

Agricola
 
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migurl:
Last night I was at my fiance’s house (he lives alone) and he was looking thru some drawers to find letters I wrote to him. He was in the shower, and I remembered that he keeps them under his mattress, so I looked…I found a porn film instead. I Confronted him with it and he confessed to having a problem…I felt so sick and so scared. He stared to cry, no sob…I have forgiven him as much as I can, but quite obviously it isn’t easy to deal with this…I have so many thoughts and feelings going thru my mind right now and I don’t know what to do. I am not going to leave him, I still love him very much and I know I can help him. I helped him overcome his issues with self-gratification, so I know I can help him with this, but I am so scared. Any advice and prayers would be appreciated. Thank you so much and God bless.
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I found myself in a similar position with my precious husband (then fiance). The only way you will be sure to overcome this together, stronger in your love than before, is with prayer and the sacraments. Another thing that helped us was, at the suggestion of our confessor, we made an agreement that fiance would keep NO SECRETS. If he fell, he would confess it in confession, and then tell me, too. Not the details, to be sure, but the simple facts. Secrets have a way of breeding more secrets. Also, he would tell me in our “code” that he really needed prayers, b/c the temptation was strong, and so I would pray, hard. I also fasted for him. Just the fact that he knew he would have to tell me afterwards kept him clean, I think.

I will keep you both in my prayers. Trust in Divine Mercy!
 
Thank you all so much for your words of advice! My fiance has assured me it is not an officail addiction, it happened very rarely, but when it did he hated himself. He has since gotten away from a lot of people and I destroyed the items in his home. He knew he had to tell me and ask for my help, but he was too scared. I am scared too because now I have all these fears and questions in my head. But I know that it will pass with time and trust is rebuilt, I guess I feel a little panicked right now. When I see him I just want to hold him and protect him, but when he is gone I feel very strange. Perhaps the prayers will help and accepting the fact that I will never understand it…
 
Hmmmm… you two are in a VERY good space to be able to discuss this with each other!

I sincerely hope – for his sake, more than for your relationship’s sake or for you, actually – that by no means you say or do anything to give him the impression that you’re judging him. That is a danger because the sense of being judged pushes folks the direction that is not loving – no matter which non-loving action it is.

John Paul the Great talked about how the sin of pornography is that it SUBTRACTS from whomever is the object of the pornographic thought or unclean action.

Even as just in preparation for your marriage, you guys might want to get ahold of what John Paul the Great wrote on “The Theology of the Body.”

My suggestion is that you each say the rosary, every day… and during which ask our Lady to prevent him from a sin of the flesh.

If your fiance is Catholic, I’d suggest that you suggest to him that the next time that he’s tempted to think pornographic thoughts or do something with his hands that is “unclean” (if you get my drift) – that instead he pick up some rosary beads.

He might say a rosary… or only the Hail Mary prayer… but just asking our Lady (his mother, too) the words “help me, please” can have a VERY QUICK result. That very moment once he’s said “help me” that desire will go away.

It WILL go away.

Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do.

Hope this helps!
 
It is an addiction… It affects many men… He needs to see a priest face to face… If he is not willing to admit it… The problem remains.
 
Dear migurl,
I think everything in your relationship will be OK. It sounds like your man has his head screwed on right He admitted that he made a mistake and probably won’t do it again! Keep in mind that he has ,as we all do, a whole world tellng him that if you don’t engage in that kind of thing you are the weird one. I really think you can put your mind at rest and work on trusting your guy again.
 
Ed Langevin:
It is an addiction… It affects many men… He needs to see a priest face to face… If he is not willing to admit it… The problem remains.
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It can be an addiction my friend… at the very least, for many men it is a strong temptation… I agree that talking to a priest would be good, and humbly admitting to being tempted is good. (which this guy did) Succumbing to temptation is not a sure indication of addiction.
 
I guess for me the biggest issues have to do with why he would do it and how someone gets in that position. I am just really confused about that. I guess I just need prayers to help me understand it or at least that I get over it.
 
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migurl:
I guess for me the biggest issues have to do with why he would do it and how someone gets in that position. I am just really confused about that. I guess I just need prayers to help me understand it or at least that I get over it.
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Just think about sin in general… How does anyone get dragged into sin? Weakness.

This sin in particular, just look around you in today’s media. TV, movies, magazine in the checkout line, the Internet, spam in your email, friends with no morals… all this sets up quite the snare to entrap. The devil probably doesn’t even have to whisper a suggestion in some cases. (Keep in mind… men respond to visual stimuli much differently than women do.)

I knew a young Catholic man who was engaged to be married… he wanted to gain some “wisdom” for his wedding night. He started by looking at those “how to” sex guides on the Internet. To make a long story short… it wasn’t long before he was downloading pornography.

I know men at work who look at pornographic pictures on their computers… and the beckon others to “share the view.”

As far as how your fiance got in that position… you might ask him. It may help you to recognize how to protect him in the future.
 
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