I really need advice. I'm lost

[natedagw824]

Here is an email I sent to a catholic friend of mine. It contains a lot of stuff: questions, thoughts and hurtful things from my past. Please give me some advice…​

Well, I struggle with two illnesses; a mental illness and a physical illness. The metal illness is controlled through medicine because I take two antipsychotic drugs called Invega and Seroquel. Specifically, I take 6mgs of Invega and 25mgs of Seroquel. For the most part these medicines keep me stabilized, but I still struggle. The disease that really, REALLY keeps me depressed is my chronic pain disease ( Fibromyalgia). Living in chronic pain is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Fibromyalgia, sometimes called FMS, is a disease that has multiple elements of suffering. First off, there is the physical part. The FMS causes pain when I do anything that requires exertion. Then there is the fatigue. I can sleep for about 10 or 12 hours and when I wake up, I’m still tired. You might be asking yourself, “Why?” Well, I’m tired because a certain chemical in my brain is not being produced enough, so I am kind of tired all day long. Then, finally, there is the cognitive dysfunction. There are multiple signs of an interruption of normal cognitive processes. For example, instead of saying, “The dishes are in the dishwasher.” I’ll say, “The dishwasher is in the dishes.”
I also have a hard time concentrating and comprehending. I have a hard time following simple directions. All of this suffering leads me to start preparing for the possibility that there might be no God that exists.

I have been in college since 2001. I studied computer science from 2001-2007, but now I am going into psychology. For the most part, being in college has made me become an intellectual. In being an intellectual, I want to understand and analyze how everything works including God. I just do NOT understand how God can allow so many innocent people to suffer. Last year, I took a philosophy class and that only increased my disbelief in God. With that said, when I look at science, I just don’t see how science and religion agree. For example, look at evolution. Evolution states that life evolved from a single cell around 4.7 billion years ago ( I might be a few million years off. I’m going off of my memory). However, in the Bible, it states that God created a man and a woman. It doesn’t say that God created a single organism from which all life evolved from. I guess I am a lot more scientific in my thinking, than I am religious. I guess I can thank the University of Michigan-Dearborn for that! Now you might be thinking that I am an atheist, but let me assure I am NOT one.

From the time I made my First Holy Communion, I have always been in a strong, Catholic relationship with God. My parents were both very religious, especially my dad, and I had a very good upbringing. I went to Sunday school every Sunday and I always yearned to be close to Jesus. How many 8 year olds do you know of who prayed the rosary in front of a statue of the Blessed Virgin every night when all their friends were outside playing? That was me, back in 1990. However, as I grew older, problems starting coming into my life and my faith was rocked by them.

When I was 16 years old, I was seeing a retired priest in Livonia, Michigan. My dad knew him well and he, my mom and myself would go out to see this priest for family counseling and we would also go to confession. I really trusted this priest and I thought he was a good man, but I soon found out that he was a monster. One day my mom dropped me off to go to confession as usual. I walked in and 50 minutes later I walked out totally blown away. Basically, what happened within that 50 minute period was very perverted and very screwed up: He was “hitting on me” and he even asked me if I was “erect.” To make a LONG story short, this priest had major problems with pedophilia and he was very perverted. The experience was a very hard one. My dad and my uncle pressed charges against him and I had to testify ( in detail) all that happened in front of an entire courtroom filled with people. It was VERY humiliating. That’s just one event that completely “rocked” my faith in God and in His Church. This has led to another problem, however, which is dating and my views of sex and things of that nature.

I have never been on one single date my whole life. From age 16 until now I have had several chances to date women who were very beautiful and they also had good hearts. You see, I guess I am addicted to pornography. I have been into it probably since age 12 and it has evolved from awe into something as addicting as cocaine. Since I have studied the internet and computers for 7 years, I have found MANY ways to get all the free porn I could ever want. Videos ranging from simple nudity, to the extreme. I guess I am a slave to it. Sometimes I feel very distant from God and I feel very dirty. However, I would LOVE to be married but there is just one simple thing that stands in my way from being in a beautiful relationship with a woman in the sacrament of marriage: contraception. The way I figure is that the Church says it’s a sin to look at porn, but it also says it’s a sin to use contraception. I guess you won’t get to Heaven either way. I guess only one good thing comes out of looking at porn and that’s the fact that I have remained a virgin. Will I get married? Only time will tell.​

END OF EMAIL

After reading this, what advice can you give to me? My therapist says its OK to look at pornography. He says to view pornography as a reward for myself. I just feel like God is so far away from me; it’s a horrible feeling. I have never doubted God so much in all of my life. When I was a kid, I loved Jesus and I enjoyed life. Today, my life is full of misery and pain and I’m only 26. Will the rest of my life be lonely, painful and sorrowful until the day I die? I guess I’m jealous of Jesus (Before his passion). Even thought He had the worst suffering imaginable; it was NOT life long…as far as I know. He had a healthy body and mind…as far as I can tell. Why does he allow many people to suffer horrible disease their entire life?

This is something I just can’t come to terms with and accept.

Sorry if I sound like an athiest, but I’m having a heck of a bad night.

Thanks for reading,

Nathan

 

[InLight247]

Dear Nathan:

I am sorry for all the suffering you have gone through. Your letter contains multiple problems to deal with that no one can easily come up with straight forward answers.

Here are couple thoughts I like to pass along and hope they may help a little, at least,
for the sake of compassion and understanding.

It is really unfortunate for your past experience with that priest. Jesus came for the sinners. In our Church, wheat and weeds grow together. Our Lord allows that. There are many things we have no answer. Instead of asking why, it is better to forgive and seek healings. I know it is easier to say than do. But after bad things happened, there is really no choice but run to the fountain of mercy, our Lord Jesus Christ, give Him our burdens, offer up our pains, and move forward with Him. There is no other way out.

As for your addiction to porn, it is an issue need to be dealt with. I don’t agree with your therapist. In my opinion, the closer we are to God, the more peace and joy we may experience. And the purer we are, the closer we may be with the Lord. So pray for yourself, ask our Mother Mary to help.

Do you pray the rosary? It is the most powerful prayer. I highly recommend you to say rosary for your current situation. Also ask your parents to pray daily rosary for you.
I said prayers for you and hope you will find a way out of your struggle. Always hope in the Lord. Never despair. God has a plan for you, to give you hope and future. Ask and you will receive.

God bless!

 

[natedagw824]

Hello,

Thanks for replying! To answer your question, I really don’t pray all that much. I haven’t been to mass or confession in about 4 months. Sometimes, throughout my past, I would pray a LOT and go to mass and confession everyday. Currently, I am in a spiritual down-time.

I guess I’ll have to shape up and get to Mass and start praying my rosary.

Thanks for replying,

Nathan

 

[anon52328184]

it sounds like you have a lot of issues you are dealing with.
if you are so tired all of the time, where do you get the energy to want to look at the porn? if you keep your mind busy on other things, maybe you wouldn’t think of the porn so much. it sounds like you have a lot of free time on your hands. i hope you are still seeing a counselor and will some day find peace of mind. that is too bad at your young age that you have fibromyalgia (sp?)
i have been through a lot of illness the past 6 years and i think that teresa of avila is the one who said that when you are sick, it is hard to get your thoughts right with God. i would suggest reading the Bible, praying, reading Catholic material, anything to keep your mind busy in your free time. hope this helps.

 

[natedagw824]

it sounds like you have a lot of issues you are dealing with.
if you are so tired all of the time, where do you get the energy to want to look at the porn? if you keep your mind busy on other things, maybe you wouldn’t think of the porn so much. it sounds like you have a lot of free time on your hands. i hope you are still seeing a counselor and will some day find peace of mind. that is too bad at your young age that you have fibromyalgia (sp?)
i have been through a lot of illness the past 6 years and i think that teresa of avila is the one who said that when you are sick, it is hard to get your thoughts right with God. i would suggest reading the Bible, praying, reading Catholic material, anything to keep your mind busy in your free time. hope this helps.

Thanks for replying.

Deborahaz,

Yes, I am tired pretty much all the time. When it comes to porn, it is both a spiritual and physical problem. Yes, porn is not good at all to look at. I know this. However, there is also a problem with chemistry and the mental aspect of this. I was talking to my mental health physician last week and he said this. With my mental illness, looking at porn is a compulsion and he also said that because my dopamine level is lower than a normal person’s my brain will look to raise the level of dopamine anyway it can. Did you know that when a person has sex, or if they look at porn it actually raises the dopamine level in the brain? This fact also implies ( By SCIENCE) that porn has the same effects on the brain as crack cocaine. I’m not trying to justify porn. All I’m saying is that there are neurochemical, and other mental aspects that cause me to look at porn.

I am tired most of the time, but I do like to enjoy some things in life. Even though it’s wrong. For example, a married couple wants to enjoy sex. If they don’t practice NFP ( Most couples don’t) they will use a condom. Well, that’s a mortal sin right, but they still have sex and they enjoy it. Same thing implies with the porn. Looking at it is a sin, but people still enjoy it. I guess porn, for me, has become a stress reliever and a release. It might not be a good thing to do, but in my current state in life it will HAVE to do.

Nathan

 

[anon52328184]

well, if you see looking at porn as sin, then i would think you would not want to sin if you are trying to be in good graces with God. also, maybe you should ask you mental health professional if there are other ways to raise your chemistry. maybe the medicine you are on is not working. yes, i have heard all the research, but if you don’t want to change then why are you on this thread asking for advice and saying you are lost? it seems you are very happy with what you are doing and you don’t care to change.

 

[littleone]

Thanks for replying.

Deborahaz,

Yes, I am tired pretty much all the time. When it comes to porn, it is both a spiritual and physical problem. Yes, porn is not good at all to look at. I know this.

However, there is also a problem with chemistry and the mental aspect of this. I was talking to my mental health physician last week and he said this. With my mental illness, looking at porn is a compulsion and he also said that because my dopamine level is lower than a normal person’s my brain will look to raise the level of dopamine anyway it can. Did you know that when a person has sex, or if they look at porn it actually raises the dopamine level in the brain? This fact also implies ( By SCIENCE) that porn has the same effects on the brain as crack cocaine. I’m not trying to justify porn. All I’m saying is that there are neurochemical, and other mental aspects that cause me to look at porn.

I am tired most of the time, but I do like to enjoy some things in life. Even though it’s wrong. For example, a married couple wants to enjoy sex. If they don’t practice NFP ( Most couples don’t) they will use a condom. Well, that’s a mortal sin right, but they still have sex and they enjoy it.
DOn’t you think that you could put this into the same level as your self. For instance some of the people taking contraceptives take them because their mind (relating neurologically) sees this as the most natural way and that they think or find that their mind tells them that it’s toooooo hard to try the Christian natural method and they want to enjoy each other sexually the same as you want to enjoy life (porn). Doesn’t this seem to be a little like what you are saying about yourself?

Same thing implies with the porn. Looking at it is a sin, but people still enjoy it. I guess porn, for me, has become a stress reliever and a release. It might not be a good thing to do, but in my current state in life it will HAVE to do.
***Then lets look at it this way, if you know that it is wrong then why can’t you look at something else that is nourishing and normal in your current state. Or is it that as you have said in the thread that God has no right to allow people to go through such pain so are you saying deep down that I won’t do what He says I don’t see why I should, which is an excuse don’t you think. ***

***This is not a put down however all you have written I believe you should read again and ask yourself why there is so much pain.
For instance when did the pain start, verses when did you start looking at porn?
When did you start studying psych and theology? verses when did the acute pain and knowledge of neurology start to form in your mind?
Have you unresolved issues from your past that you may be trying to hide verses is the porn / blame God a way for you to hide the past issues?
Have you been into porn and then mentioned it to the priest where he wanted to find out where you were coming from, for instance romanticizing while at confession verses when he asked you if you were erect could he not have been probing to find out if you were just in that state of romanticizing since porn watchers have little or no control over their emotional thoughts and words?

In all there seems to be a little or lot of blaming others while you already know that you don’t have to look at porn there are many other parts of the computer or you could be creative and do say for instance art or a million things, or is porn controlling you? You know Jesus tells us that HE gives to all who ask the spirit of CONTROL, we are NOT to be controlled.
These are all very deep points and maybe you should find a CHRISTIAN psychologist or counselor.

---

Just to finish I gained my information for you in my having studied psychology for 4 years and Post Grad Dip in HR for 3.

I am 60 and have been through pain neurologically for most of that time, even in the study the lies in psych wrecked my life to a point and I have had to let go of it. I still have pain but it is a pleasure since for my sins Jesus went through much much more than I could ever go through.
I’m not telling you to tell Dr’s you won’t take them but my mouth was wrecked through my med and after 12 years I told the Dr I was not getting any thing out of it and wanted off. So she did and just checked I have never been back.

Godbless

 

[Conservative]

I’m not one to give advice spiritually or medically.
But I’d say - offer these crosses to God. First, tell Him how much you would like to overcome any faults you feel guilty of.

Offer Him your pains - I understand fibromyalgia is a cross in itself.

Offer anything that bothers you - to God. Ask Him to please take it - Remember His Words, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.”

And ask God to wipe away any tendencies toward sin, such as the pornography. You have to start by putting your fears and trust all in God’s Hands - let Him help you - but you must use your God-given free will to do the rest. And do His Will.
God and Our Lady Bless you.

 

[Mark_Robert]

Woah you’ve got problems. I’d see a psychiatrist if I were you. It seems like you need a mental health professional before even comprehending the next step in your spiritual and personal life. You obviously have many issues that need to be dealt with first.

 

[natedagw824]

I’ve been reading your replies. I know I have a lot of issues, I really don’t need to be reminded about all of them.

I do offer up my crosses daily to Jesus and I have installed software(Cyber Patrol) to block all porn sites. And, just to let you know, I have been seeing a shrink since July of 2005. I am working through a lot of issues. However, you have to understand something: My therapist, who I love and admire, says it’s COMPLETLEY FINE to look at pornography. Now, I have someone telling me this who has a masters in psych. Then I have other people telling me its NOT ok. I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions.

Kirk, he’s my therapist, is very happy and he is also Catholic. He always tells me that there is “a reason why you’re in my caseload.” What can I say to that? When we first met, he was the very first counselor to actually pray over me verbally. By doing this, it assured me that he was going to help me; NOT mislead me.

Even my mom, who is catholic, thinks porn isn’t that big of a deal.

Should I get a different counselor, or what? This will be a very hard thing to do because Kirk has helped me in many other ways.
He’s encouraging to talk to and he inspires me to have a positive outlook on life.

Any thoughts on this are welcome,

Nathan

 

[anon52328184]

nathan,

that is a hard decision to make. speaking from experience, i know that there are a lot of good counselors out there, but there are also a lot of bad ones. i am not sure i agree with him saying it is okay to look at porn. to me, your thoughts aren’t clean when you look at things like that, especially if you feel addicted to look at them.
your counselor sounds like he cares about you. if i seemed insensitive in my previous answer, it was because i wasn’t really sure this was a serious post or someone bored on a saturday afternoon.
having any kind of physical or mental illness is very hard to live with. you are still young. i wish i could be your age again. you have your whole life ahead of you.
i will pray for you. you have so many issues you are dealing with.
just don’t give up on yourself and maybe try to have some will power when it comes to porn. at least you have the blocker on there. believe me, looking at pictures like that is very bad for your soul. i feel sorry for the souls of the people who lower themselves to work in the porn industry. i guess it is the almighty dollar that pulls them in.
good luck to you. do you have many friends? do you get to go out much? you have plenty of time for girls, but do you have friends you can meet once in awhile for coffee or dinner or breakfast?
keep us posted on how you are doing!
god bless!!

 

[packermann]

Thank you for sharing. I will try to remember you in my prayers.

I want to first mention about your comparing Christ’s suffers with yours. True, Christ did not suffer every day like you do. But that is not the point. Since Christ is God, he shouldn’t have to suffer at all. So even if your sufferings are more, Christ’s sufferings are a greater suffering. The higher up on the evolutionary ladder an animal is, the greater the evil of that person’s suffering. To kill a dog is worse than killing a rabbit. And killing a rabbit is worse than killing a fly. So worst kind of killing is killing a man, since man is the highest species of all. But God is infinitely greater than man, so the killing of God is infinitely greater than killing man.

You say that you are an intellectual. Be careful that you do not think of yourself more highly than you are. I remember that Socrates said that only when a person realizes that he knows nothing does he start to attain knowledge. Jesus talked about humility. It would be good for you to remember that, although your philosophy teacher seems to makes sense to you, that you yourself admit that because of your disease you have cognitive problems. So you just might be wrong in your assessment of what your teacher said.

College is notorious for brainwashing kids with heads full of mush. I would recommend to see Ben Stein’s movie “Expelled”. This movie documents how colleges deliberately censor anyone who show the problems with evolution. So these professors seem to be objective, put actually they have a hidden agenda to make their students think like they do, And the majority of them are atheist. They deliberately suppress any informaation that would contradict what they are teaching you. So mtake what they say with a grain of salt. The classic part in Ben Stein’s movie, was in the end, when Stein interviewed Richard Dawkins, notorious atheist and one of the leading evolutionists. Stein conceded that all life started from one cell. But Stein asked Dawkins where that one cell came from. There was a pause. Finally, Dawkins said that maybe an alien brought that cell here. Say what??? An alien? So Dawkins denies, because of so-called science, that life began because of an intelligent being such as God, but he believes that some spaceship millions of years ago brought life into our planet???

There are so many books I can recommend to you. But I am confused. On one hand, you say you are an intellectual, but on the other hand you say that it is hard for you to concentrate. How can a person be an intellectual, if he cannot concentrate? This is why I say that it would be good to remain humble in your assessment of your mental abilities. A real intellectual would be able to think on his own, and not just accept everything his philosophy or science teacher tells him.

With God, it is especially benefiscial to have the attitude that you know know. You may not understand the ways of God. Can a mere ant comprehend that it is crawling on a human’s hand? If not, how can we possibly understand God’s dealing with us? But if we approach God humbly, and ask why, possibly God in His grace will reveal to us why He deals with us as He did. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

 

[natedagw824]

Thanks for replying,

First off, I want to let you know that I am being completely HONEST with this post. I’m not some sick person being a jerk just writing this to “write it.” When I wrote this huge email a few nights ago I was crying and very upset. I’m sure there are contradictions in it and in my responses. For that, I am sorry.

I may seem like I am being a smart-alek when I post but in real life, that is not the case. I have always been humble. I never brag about being good at guitar, or brag about being great at math or whatever.

Basically, I want to let you all know that I am going to start saying the rosary from here on out. Ya know, my faith is kind of like this: 50% I believe and 50% I don’t believe. Like one poster said, “Colleges are notorious for brainwashing kids.” Your exactly right. Being at a university has made me change in some ways.

Just to repeat myself, I am being completely sincere and I appreciate all of your comments and thoughts. Yes, I do have some challenges in front of me, but I believe that God can do anything (Even though I’m human and I have some doubts). Please pray that I stop being a doubting Thomas.

You’ll never know what this post has done for me and what your replies have helped me realize.

Thank you so much,

In Her Love,

Nathan

 

[InLight247]

Thanks for replying,
…Basically, I want to let you all know that I am going to start saying the rosary from here on out. Ya know, my faith is kind of like this: 50% I believe and 50% I don’t believe. Like one poster said, “Colleges are notorious for brainwashing kids.” Your exactly right. Being at a university has made me change in some ways.

Just to repeat myself, I am being completely sincere and I appreciate all of your comments and thoughts. Yes, I do have some challenges in front of me, but I believe that God can do anything (Even though I’m human and I have some doubts). Please pray that I stop being a doubting Thomas.

You’ll never know what this post has done for me and what your replies have helped me realize.

Nathan:

Thank you for letting us know your decision of praying the rosary.
Mother Mary’s purity and her encompassing love will definitely help you. I have no doubt you are sincere about your post. I have paryed for you and will continue to remember you in my prayers.

Never give up, with God, nothing is immpossible. God bless!

 

[anon52328184]

nathan,

you have been in my prayers and i was happy to see your reply this morning. having a lot of experience with depression, i know what those moments are like when you feel frantic and having kind of crazy thoughts. it is good that you came here to reach out.
do you have a form of regular exercise? this morning i was swimming and thinking how much swimming helps me with my depression and i remembered when i used to do a dance class twice a week and joined a bowling team. they were all physical activities and i was able to socialize at the same time. exercise would be a much healthier way of helping to raise your dopamine levels than looking at porn.
i am glad you are being honest. i am new to this forum so i wasn’t sure what to believe.
if i can be honest with you, i went to college many years ago and minored in religion and i was a doubting Thomas also. maybe that is a way the Devil can attack us by making us doubt the existence of God or the dogmas of faith. life is not easy.
as i have matured, so has my faith. i am not a perfect person by any means and no that i never will be. for me to make it through each day is good. i try not to get overwhelmed by things.
do you have an adoration chapel near where you live? i really like going to the adoration chapel to pray and feel at peace.
anyhow, hope this can be of help. peace be with you.

 

[littleone]

I’ve been reading your replies. I know I have a lot of issues, I really don’t need to be reminded about all of them.

I do offer up my crosses daily to Jesus and I have installed software(Cyber Patrol) to block all porn sites. And, just to let you know, I have been seeing a shrink since July of 2005. I am working through a lot of issues. However, you have to understand something: My therapist, who I love and admire, says it’s COMPLETLEY FINE to look at pornography. Now, I have someone telling me this who has a masters in psych. Then I have other people telling me its NOT ok. I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions.

Kirk, he’s my therapist, is very happy and he is also Catholic. He always tells me that there is “a reason why you’re in my caseload.” What can I say to that? When we first met, he was the very first counselor to actually pray over me verbally. By doing this, it assured me that he was going to help me; NOT mislead me.

Even my mom, who is catholic, thinks porn isn’t that big of a deal.

Should I get a different counselor, or what? This will be a very hard thing to do because Kirk has helped me in many other ways.
He’s encouraging to talk to and he inspires me to have a positive outlook on life.

Any thoughts on this are welcome,

Nathan

Though I don’t believe that any Christian has the right to say that your body that belongs to God is yours to use any way other than to glorify God, I do believe that our God is greater than to judge a person wrong when He sent His Son to help us all because He knows ALL of our weaknesses, even to die on the cross to prove His love for us in lieu of our weaknesses.
I think though that you should put against your friends suggestion that your actions are ok against the words Jesus put to Mary Magdalene. Go and sin no more. These words were not because she was prostituting but because she used her body against Gods will of her using it not in Love of a married setting, or relationship.
Even though we are to discern and take the loge out of our own eye before we speak to persons about wrong doings, God alone is our judge over all and He will have the last say.

Godbless