D
Depressable
Guest
I have not always been Catholic, but I have long felt strongly drawn to the ordained ministry. Actually it’s become my passion, and I can hardly imagine a life where I don’t persue the priesthood. It almost feels like my reason for living (but I use that loosely–I know that only God Himself is that).
The thing is this. Before I was ever even a baptized Christian, from my young to past-midteens, I allowed myself to get drawn into some shameful activities that I won’t specify in detail. It was just curiosity, I think, since I remember being normal at one time, but that made no difference. It left a mark, I think, on my mind. I now suffer occasionally (sometimes often) from Same Sex Attractions, SSA. How badly and how long at a time differs from occasion to occasion.
I still am attracted to the opposite gender, and at the end of any sensible day I know that I would rather have a lasting heterosexual relationship/marriage than a homosexual one. But the attraction to the same gender does come up, and sometimes it’s a constant struggle in which I tell myself “No I’m not like that,” over and over, and I have to fight thoughts and images that come to mind.
In the past, I’ve gone so far as to view very explicit material and personals sites, though it’s been months since it’s gone that far. I haven’t ever involved anyone else personally (not counting looking at the material and personals ads, we never interacted) with my sins of this nature since becoming a Christian. And once when I visited a seminary it actually made me feel better, not worse. I felt like I might just gain the strength to be the kind of man I should be, instead of being tempted by being surrounded by men (as is one argument against letting men with SSA go to Seminary).
I also struggle a lot with masturbation, and often when I haven’t struggled with SSA I still have struggled with heterosexual lust. But I still think it’s all tied to the same deeds I committed in my younger days. It’s like when I give in to heterosexual lust, I am overcompesating for my SSA, trying to prove I’m over it (even though I really do have heterosexual feelings alongside it).
Everyone I have talked to and with all the considerations for me being a priest (I have taken some steps, but the subject of SSA has never come up) have considered me to be a GREAT candidate for being a priest, so I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that, if not for my bad past and the scar it left I could be a good Priest. That makes it even harder for me because I feel like I have cheated myself forever if this means I should not be a priest.
Incidentally, I know that I have to overcome this before I go to seminary, at least I have to never let it express itself (not look at bad websites or go to personals, which I have not in months, though I came close recently). I have yet to be a confirmed Catholic (but since I have always felt the calling, it makes things clearer as far as what I want to do), and it does seem like knowing it is wrong for a fact and having the Church Teaching will help (being a Protestant, I was tempted to believe the liberal wing sometimes, and though I didn’t believe them inside it made it harder to resist temptation at times). Still, at this point I am where I’ve described on this struggle. It has been a while since I have done anything more than briefly…imagined things…and even then, I try to fight it, and in most cases I do.
Part of me does not want to be a priest, but again, it is ONLY because of my past. I know beyond the shadow of a single weak doubt that I would want to be a priest without question if I didn’t have my past. The only reason I have doubts is because I am afraid that I could have my past and my SSA exposed to the shame of the Church (not because I would act on it, but just because someone would somehow find out). I feel like it would be so hard to bear the shame, knowing I was supposed to be a good example to the people. Especially since I would have no family to love me in spite of my shame. So, basically, if not for my past and resulting SSA, EVERYTHING would be in line for me to be a priest, mentally, externally, all of that. It feels so unfair, but I know it’s all my fault.
So what do you think? Did I condemn myself to a life deprived of what I KNOW would’ve been my calling otherwise? I just feel like my life will lose so much meaning if I give up.
I will blame myself forever, I KNOW I will, because I KNOW that I would be a priest, without question, if not for this problem. I know I would, and I know that no one in the whole world would question it. So if it doesn’t work out, I messed up my chance to be a priest, and I messed up my life. There is no use questioning that, and I will never forget the permanent harm I have done to my happiness and ability to serve God in this way that I feel so strongly drawn to.
So what should I do? I need advice, and I would especially appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut if anyone has ever remotely been in my shoes. I know this is too overwhelming to be a proper first post, but it has bothered me for a long time.
The thing is this. Before I was ever even a baptized Christian, from my young to past-midteens, I allowed myself to get drawn into some shameful activities that I won’t specify in detail. It was just curiosity, I think, since I remember being normal at one time, but that made no difference. It left a mark, I think, on my mind. I now suffer occasionally (sometimes often) from Same Sex Attractions, SSA. How badly and how long at a time differs from occasion to occasion.
I still am attracted to the opposite gender, and at the end of any sensible day I know that I would rather have a lasting heterosexual relationship/marriage than a homosexual one. But the attraction to the same gender does come up, and sometimes it’s a constant struggle in which I tell myself “No I’m not like that,” over and over, and I have to fight thoughts and images that come to mind.
In the past, I’ve gone so far as to view very explicit material and personals sites, though it’s been months since it’s gone that far. I haven’t ever involved anyone else personally (not counting looking at the material and personals ads, we never interacted) with my sins of this nature since becoming a Christian. And once when I visited a seminary it actually made me feel better, not worse. I felt like I might just gain the strength to be the kind of man I should be, instead of being tempted by being surrounded by men (as is one argument against letting men with SSA go to Seminary).
I also struggle a lot with masturbation, and often when I haven’t struggled with SSA I still have struggled with heterosexual lust. But I still think it’s all tied to the same deeds I committed in my younger days. It’s like when I give in to heterosexual lust, I am overcompesating for my SSA, trying to prove I’m over it (even though I really do have heterosexual feelings alongside it).
Everyone I have talked to and with all the considerations for me being a priest (I have taken some steps, but the subject of SSA has never come up) have considered me to be a GREAT candidate for being a priest, so I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that, if not for my bad past and the scar it left I could be a good Priest. That makes it even harder for me because I feel like I have cheated myself forever if this means I should not be a priest.
Incidentally, I know that I have to overcome this before I go to seminary, at least I have to never let it express itself (not look at bad websites or go to personals, which I have not in months, though I came close recently). I have yet to be a confirmed Catholic (but since I have always felt the calling, it makes things clearer as far as what I want to do), and it does seem like knowing it is wrong for a fact and having the Church Teaching will help (being a Protestant, I was tempted to believe the liberal wing sometimes, and though I didn’t believe them inside it made it harder to resist temptation at times). Still, at this point I am where I’ve described on this struggle. It has been a while since I have done anything more than briefly…imagined things…and even then, I try to fight it, and in most cases I do.
Part of me does not want to be a priest, but again, it is ONLY because of my past. I know beyond the shadow of a single weak doubt that I would want to be a priest without question if I didn’t have my past. The only reason I have doubts is because I am afraid that I could have my past and my SSA exposed to the shame of the Church (not because I would act on it, but just because someone would somehow find out). I feel like it would be so hard to bear the shame, knowing I was supposed to be a good example to the people. Especially since I would have no family to love me in spite of my shame. So, basically, if not for my past and resulting SSA, EVERYTHING would be in line for me to be a priest, mentally, externally, all of that. It feels so unfair, but I know it’s all my fault.
So what do you think? Did I condemn myself to a life deprived of what I KNOW would’ve been my calling otherwise? I just feel like my life will lose so much meaning if I give up.
I will blame myself forever, I KNOW I will, because I KNOW that I would be a priest, without question, if not for this problem. I know I would, and I know that no one in the whole world would question it. So if it doesn’t work out, I messed up my chance to be a priest, and I messed up my life. There is no use questioning that, and I will never forget the permanent harm I have done to my happiness and ability to serve God in this way that I feel so strongly drawn to.
So what should I do? I need advice, and I would especially appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut if anyone has ever remotely been in my shoes. I know this is too overwhelming to be a proper first post, but it has bothered me for a long time.