I think I might hate someone

[Stevie1]

I don’t want to, but I 'm afraid I’m very disgusted with a sibling who acts very shallow and fake, so that whenever I see them I want to gag. I would like to get rid of this feeling toward my sibling; but it is especially hard since they don’t like me and purposely do everything opposite of what I would do. This results in them being shallow and worldly while under the impression I’m impressed and jealous as she has said (when I actually want to barf; for example when she walks by in a purposefully immodest outfit it’s just stupid; she thinks she is less sheltered but honestly I don’t do that stuff because it’s DUMB). I always try to leave the room when she comes in because I know she is trying to put on a show and is so vain she’s going to imagine I’m “secretly jealous”. Is it bad to want to gag whenever you see a certain sibling? I don’t want to hate anyone. Is it a sin that she makes me want to barf? How can I get rid of the disgust? Is it my fault if I’m disgusted?

 

[redbetta]

Involuntary feelings are not a sin.

Loving your enemy does not mean that you have to like them.

 

[Aquinas11]

Is it bad to want to gag whenever you see a certain sibling? I don’t want to hate anyone. Is it a sin that she makes me want to barf? How can I get rid of the disgust? Is it my fault if I’m disgusted?

I don’t think you hate her. It sounds like you love her which is why you don’t want her doing something (dressing immodestly) you view as not good for her. Like a doctor who loves his patient so doesn’t want patient to do something unhealthy.

 

[SeekHisFace]

I know that this is very common advice, but have you tried praying for her? When you leave the room go on your knees and pray for her.

A good prayer is to pray that she may please the Lord, live for His glory, that she may change in such a way that people glorify God, so the focus is on God and His glory rather than on her.

If you find yourself unwilling to even pray for her soul than you are certainly not loving her, and possibly hating her.

 

[Kindnessmatters]

You sound kind of young…hopefully young enough that growing into adulthood will make things easier. For example if you still both live at home with your parents, it will be easier when you don’t live together and see each other every day.

I can share that I love both of my siblings very much. However, my brother is a recovering addict and still has some negative behaviors such as making plans with family and being very late or blowing us off or coming to see us a day or several days later than planned, which upsets and worries my elderly mother. He also name calls me over political differences which I find infuriating.

My sister is very giving but has always one-upped me, compared herself competitively about dumb stuff (like who did the most for mom or who is taller). She is eccentric and will talk endlessly about attention-seeking (and unflattering) get-ups that she wears or other “me show” self-absorbed topics. She is older and bullied and tormented me when we were children, which she now thinks is hilarious. She tells my personal business to everyone…we are all in our fifties and she acts like we are seven and nine instead of 55 and 57. It is tiresome.

The saving grace is that I am an adult and have a car and a home…too much of either of them, I wish everyone a good night and go home.

My siblings will always irritate me. The secret to not hating them…which I have at times…is deciding they are not a reflection on me and their lives and behaviours aren’t about me. I disconnect from their actions and I focus on other things. I have been able to draw certain boundaries to protect my feelings. It will never be great but I have let go of needing it to be different by no longer expecting them to meet my needs or be how I wish they were. I have established friendships with other people which meet the needs I wished would be met in my relationships with my siblings. I have even gone through counseling about this.

I hope you can manage the same. It also helps to disengage…don’t let her trigger you. Don’t criticize or react. Pray for her genuinely to be happy and to mature out of bad behaviours but let your parents correct her…not your job. View her as separate from you when she misbehaves…like a stranger across the room making a scene. It sounds like she baits you and you take the bait. If you stop reacting, you suck the energy out of her damaging game.

If she eggs you on like wearing something inappropriate, and asking what you think, give her a respectful and appropriate answer like she is someone you respect and don’t want to be mean to such as “I prefer more modest outfits, but I like that color on you. It looks nice with your hair.”. You have full control over how respectful you are, so focus on that.

 

[Lea101]

Uh…i may be in the minority here but it does sound worrying. Just from the way you typed about her sounds full of negativity rather than loving disagreement over her choices.

There’s clearly more to the story besides her dressing a certain way and simply not liking you. I’m also sure there’s more to it besides you not liking her outfits. I can’t really imagine an extreme reaction towards that alone, tbh

This isn’t abnormal, siblings have been fighting since forever. But that doesn’t mean it is okay and that you shouldn’t change.

You could read what Jesus would have to say in the gospels. It’s pretty hard to go back to anger when you know exactly what he would say about it. I would also caution against justifying these feelings by saying it’s involuntary or that deep down you are like this because you love her, because excuses like that may hinder you from becoming a more patient and loving person.

How old are you guys? Both of you sound pretty young, but at the same time it’s not surprising to see this in adulthood.

So the main question I have to give you is: How are you loving her today?

You can disagree with her lifestyle and all of that. You can have all the right opinions on moral issues. But all of this have no merit if it’s done without love.

Of course, easier said than done. If you guys are pretty young, your relationship will get easier eventually. Both of you will gain maturity and realise the pettiness, if any.

But more practical tips would be to give her an honest compliment instead of always giving each other dirty looks or ignoring each other. Tell her that the color looks great on her. That her hair is pretty. Make the effort for some pleasant conversation. Get her something to eat, or have a civil conversation about a neutral matter. Ask her for tips about makeup or whatever that she is able to help you with.

You get rid of disgust by being proactive in that relationship, honestly.

 

[Stevie1]

Yes I think it’s worrying too so I would like to solve it.
Thanks for your answer, “You get rid of disgust by being proactive in that relationship,” sounds helpful.
Because right now, she triggers a physical gag reflex (maybe because we have said a lot of hurtful insults to each other?) but I don’t think that is a good reflex to have whenever you see a sibling and I would like it to go away. Thanks again for the advice

 

[DeniseNY]

OP, how old are you and your sibling?

It’s not uncommon for siblings to be opposites in certain things. Perhaps try to understand a little better who she is and accept that you’re different. She should of course do the same with you, but it sometimes takes time. Ask the Lord to help you to gain a mutual understanding and to help build a relationship with her.

 

[CoffeeFanatic]

So, I was once told that certain people are in our lives to help us on the road to salvation. The more we have anger, disgust, dislike, irritation, et cetera of a person, the more we’re supposed to pray for them- for their sake as well as our own. This is not easy. I feel for you. It’s worse when it’s family.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Then choose to love your sibling. Love is not an emotion, but, an action.

When you look at her, see a beloved child of God. As Scripture says, we cannot love God and hate other people. We are commanded to do good to the person we like the least.

 

[RepetantCatholic]

Oh, well usually immodesty is a sign of insecurity. She is your sister and like everyone else see her humanity and her struggle. Don’t join the club and continue to live the modest life. By this you will be an example of how much better it is to be modest.

 

[Calliope]

It is very painful when we feel this way about someone close to us, I feel for you. I have struggled with your situation when I was young with a sister, and later in life with some other people, and it was a yucky feeling, and also a bit scary…that I could have such bad thoughts about another person.

I was told to realize that they are simply another human being, fumbling through their life, facing fears, challenges, doubts and dreams…just like me. Then I was told to pray for them, pray that they find everything they need to have a beautiful, satisfying life. I pray that they find peace in their soul, love and caring from those around them, and the strength to face every challenge they encounter.

I was told to pray it daily, twice daily, even if my heart felt like a hard, cold, stone doing it, to say the words anyway. Every time I prayed for my self and my own situations, I prayed for them as well. My heart became less hard and cold…I began to truly see them as another struggling soul…and I became more aware of my own behavior that might irritate or hurt other people.

Coming to understand that truly happy people don’t engage in a lot of attention seeking behavior, don’t put others down, and don’t engage in self destructive behavior either…I realized that they were hurting and I began to be nicer to them in person, to offer a smile, to ask how they were and listen to the answer, to make a point of remembering their special days and sending a card etc.

This has helped me tremendously.