I think I still love her. Please help

[Andrew_Hinkley]

Hi all,

There’s a soprano in the Choir I sing in who is very beautiful and very holy. More than a year ago I finally asked her out, and she respectfully declined. I’m long over that, the problem is I still seem to have feelings for her. Is this normal? I don’t intend to ask her out again, since I have been given an answer, I do want to know what’s going on in my heart.

I’m still nervous in her presence. I still think about her a lot. I sometimes worry about being creepy when she’s around. I wonder if she picks up on this. I sometimes even “pretend not to notice her” because I’m afraid of sending signals.

She’s a good friend of mine. (She once stopped me from walking 10 miles to get home after dark, insisting that she would rest much better that night knowing that I am on the train instead.) I just find it difficult having my emotions and nervousness get in the way of things like starting a conversation with her.

I hope I’ve explained this properly - it’s all very confusing to me

Thanks so much!

 

[flyingfish]

Hi all,

There’s a soprano in the Choir I sing in who is very beautiful and very holy. More than a year ago I finally asked her out, and she respectfully declined. I’m long over that, the problem is I still seem to have feelings for her. Is this normal? I don’t intend to ask her out again, since I have been given an answer, I do want to know what’s going on in my heart.

I’m still nervous in her presence. I still think about her a lot. I sometimes worry about being creepy when she’s around. I wonder if she picks up on this. I sometimes even “pretend not to notice her” because I’m afraid of sending signals.

She’s a good friend of mine. (She once stopped me from walking 10 miles to get home after dark, insisting that she would rest much better that night knowing that I am on the train instead.) I just find it difficult having my emotions and nervousness get in the way of things like starting a conversation with her.

I hope I’ve explained this properly - it’s all very confusing to me

Thanks so much!

I’m guessing you’re young. Maybe you should try asking her out again in case that she may have changed her mind, but if she says no again you should make an effort to get over her.

The best way to get over a girl is to stop spending time with her and meet other girls.

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

I’m 31.

I don’t think it’s a matter of getting over her, since as I said, I’ve long since moved on. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on in my mind.

 

[flyingfish]

I’m 31.

I don’t think it’s a matter of getting over her, since as I said, I’ve long since moved on. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on in my mind.

My guess is you’re still into her because she’s an attractive young woman with many good qualities and you haven’t yet met one to replace her. If you’re spending time with her (you mentioned you were friends), it would make sense for you to still be into her.

From my personal experience, you’ll have a crush on her until she either does something to kill your attraction, or you stop spending time with her and enough time passes, or you meet another woman to take her place. If you haven’t met anyone better than her and are frequently seeing her, it would make sense for her to still occupy your thoughts.

 

[kelvinf]

Hi,

Yes, I believe it’s normal.
Although I am younger than you (23), I have or had more or less the same problem like you.

I was so devastated after 3 attempts. I felt so bad and heart broken and I just couldn’t face the girl any more. I was so into her and just couldn’t hang around her any more. I felt very uncomfortable and also nervous in her presence. I was also scared of getting jealous should in case the girl started dating another guy…

As flyingfish rightly said, we are facing these problems because we haven’t yet found an alternative. Personally, I don’t have some many female friends so that particular girl kind of meant everything to me.
So a possible solution is to associate and make friends with other girls/women.

A much better solution which I am now putting into practice is to leave everything in the hands of the Lord. God has a plan for all of us and often times; we try to take control of this plan.

I bought some books written by Jason Evert about relationships and Purity. I am still reading them but so far, they have been very helpful. This is a quotation from the book Purity 365 (which is more or less a collection of quotations)

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin or your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. – C.S. Lewis

I also read that we shouldn’t let our happiness be determined by other people. That as singles, we should learn to be happy and this can come about by seeking God’s love. As such, we wouldn’t need to rely on females to make us happy (and vice versa). The fact is that, God has a plan for all of us and we should always remind ourselves of that.

You could find some very useful information on the chastity website: chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating

Another thing we have to understand is that each person has an ideal man or woman and not everybody is ready for anything less than that. So sometimes if the other person is not interested in a relationship, one just has to respect that decision and move forward.

As for me, I am almost completely over the girl and I am ready to associate with her again and take her as a normal friend (I will tell her that on Easter Sunday). I strongly believe I will find the girl God has chosen for me and I am training myself to be joyful and happy as a single young adult.

I wish you all the best. Just take and accept the soprano as a friend and move forward.

PS: Note the difference between love and attraction/feeling. Our desires are mere attractions and not love. Love is a decision and that’s what God requires from us. So we should avoid brooding over attraction.