I think my husband is cheating

[PregnantWife]

Right now, I don’t know what to think. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married one. I got pregnant in February around our first anniversary. Now, I married this man b/c to me, he was a good, honest, christian. I beleived he had morals and values. However, lately I have been questioning everything I ever believed my husband to be. My husband is a very attractive man. There is no doubt about that. His own mother told me I wasn’t pretty enough for him (that’s a whole other story!). However, we fell in love and here we are today. Since I’ve been pregnant I’ve had horrible acne, not feeling good (not interested in dressing up, etc.). So, it’s bad enough I’ve been feeling extremely insecure (but I know my suspisions don’t come from insecurity). I am not the type of wife who believes we have to do everything together or we always have to be together. I let him go out of town on “bachelor parties”, he plays poker one night a week and he occassionally goes to happy hour with friends. No problem. However lately, poker night which used to end around 10pm is ending at 3am! (on a work night). Well tonight I came home from work exhausted. I cooked dinner and we talked about watching a movie we had. Suddenly a friend calls to invite him to happy hour. He asks me if I mind if he goes to have ONE DRINK. I was a little annoyed considering our plans to watch the movie but said fine, go! This was at 8:30. At midnight I text him to say, “hey, what’s going on”. I got no response. At 12:30 I called his phone (no repsonse). I called several times. At 1am I got in my car and drove to the bar. I saw his car outside. I sat there and decided to wait till he came out. Then I got tired and decided to call his friend’s wife who was supposed to be there as well. She called me back 5 minutes later and told me everyone had just left. So, I drive back and sure enough, his car is still there but I see him down the parking lot TALKING TO A GIRL. It was just the two of them. I pulled up my car right beside them and he continued talking like nothing. He then said goodbye to her and walked up to my car. I didn’t let him in. I drove home. 10 minutes later he got home (should have been home 1 minute after me). I called his friends wife and told her she better tell me who the chic was that he was talking to. She said the only other girl was a friend of hers who she was trying to hook up with a different guy. She assured me nothing was going on with them. When he got home he had the nerve to ask me why I went looking for him. When I brought up the girl, he said, she’s just a friend from undergrad… A woman has intuition and this did not look good. What do I do? I am heartbroken. I am carrying his baby and I took vows “for better for worse” but at what point do you let someone take advantage of you? I’m so confused and really need advice.

 

[abb]

I’m sorry to hear about your conflict here. I can’t say I have ever had anything like this happen to me, but what I would do is contact everyone you thought was with him that night and ask who that girl is, in relation to him and see how many conflicting stories you get. This is the first step to see who is really telling the truth. Good luck and I’m sorry this has fallen upon you.

May God bless your child and your future.

Andrew

 

[PregnantWife]

Thanks. I can’t call everyone though b/c

1. They are all HIS friends and I’m not even close to them. They aren’t going to tell me anything at all
2. The last thing I want to do is make a mockery out of marriage to all his friends.

 

[Biblioassistant]

You all need to talk. He doesn’t need to be out at all hours drinking - especially on a work night and not without you. It looks like you are going in two different directions and that is not good. A married couple need not be joined at the hip, but it doesn’t seem as though you all have any kind of mutual social life.

You haven’t been married long, so please get help now! I will be praying for you.

 

[Jay2]

You need to have a talk, not a confrontation, a talk. Let the steam settle, and emotions calm down before you do.

Just tell him that you are upset that he’s been staying out later than usual, and you’d like to know why he didn’t just call and say so.
“I don’t mind you going out, but when you say 11:30… and you’re not home soon, I get concerned… please call me.”

The last thing a new husband wants or needs is the ring on his finger to be transferred to his nose…
The last thing a new wife wants or needs is to be labeled a “nag” by her husband (or more importantly) his current circle of friends.

Being married only a year, and having a pregnant wife is a lot to get used to. We went through the same thing.
As a guy, it took me quite a while (a few years) to just settle into the “family man” groove. I still wanted to go party with my (mostly single) buddies, goof off, etc., and like you my wife was very cool about it. My buddies even say “Your wife is so cool, you can still go out… “Fred” can’t hardly leave the house anymore…”

My wife was always welcome to come along, but wasn’t (and still isn’t) interested in some of my friends or hobbies. After a while I’d just get up & leave early… and the comments “Haa - the 'ol ball & chain/the wife/etc” would fly.
I’d just reply “I want to go home… , I’ve got something a helluva lot nicer than you waiting for me!”

After being married awhile and especially after kids, you’ll develop friendships with other married couples, and his circle of “single” friends will shrink.

 

[masondoggy]

I have been exactly where you are right now, I know how you feel. All I can say is there probably isn’t much YOU can do to save this situation but pray. My prayers and my faith in God are the only thing that saved my marriage.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I am so sorry that you are going through this. I pray that you work this out with your husband.

Hopefully this is just a case of immaturity/bad decisions on his part and some pregnancy hormones on yours. When you two sit down to have a conversation about this you’ll know by his reaction. Just make sure that you keep calm and on topic.

BUT, since you suspect something might be going on, for the sake of your baby, you might want to think about not having sex with him until you are sure he’s not been with or going to be with someone else. You’ll have to handle this carefully so that the protection of your baby is your priority, not punishing your hubby.

Malia**

 

[chevalier]

Hmm… On the one hand it’s sill to ignore signs, as you know, but on the other hand, it’s good to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m lawyer not a lover, but I can tell you the benefit of doubt is important. As in courts not everyone who’s accused is innocent (most folks are guilty), but most people in general are innocent and an accusation can happen to anyone. Similarly, in a doubtful case, only a well-prepared person would be able to explain everything convincingly. And who exactly would prepare himself beforehand? Only someone knowing he would be accused. And that means either a very good intuition or a guilty conscience. Since your husband didn’t pretend he didn’t know the girl, didn’t try to hush her and get her to disappear the moment you came, he didn’t betray any guilty reactions. The explanation is probably that he isn’t feeling guilty, which means either he really isn’t or he’s got himself a nice excuse (perhaps something in the middle). I guess the lack of reply on the phone connected with seeing him with that woman puzzled together quite automatically, but look at the situation from some other points of view.

Perhaps he couldn’t hear the phone or had it switched off? I’ve had a lot of problems with that and people complaining about it being difficult to get in touch with me and with all my faults, I’ve never cheated on anyone and rarely played any secrecy games. It just happens. Think of the situations when you don’t want to pick up any calls or don’t want to talk to the specific caller, especially when you think it’s going to be nagging or complaining.

As for the girl, well, they were just talking and nothing was going on. I don’t want to discount your female intuition, but you’re in a natural set-up to become paranoid - I know by my own example. Plus, it looks like strange coincidences are happening. This means that intuition, as a not exactly logical force, is in danger of going astray. Friends from school can be pretty close and one can be pretty affectionate. It wouldn’t be uncommon for old guy friends to hug, pat, whatever, let alone if one or both of the friends is a woman. I’ve been addressed as a married couple with some of my highschool friends even without any physical displays of affection going on. Just the way of talking perhaps got people to come to the wrong conclusions. Perhaps that’s what’s going on when you think about your husband and that woman - it looks logical but you don’t have all the facts.

I would be worried about broken promises or lies, but in this case, it looks like he’s simply late without letting you know what’s going on. And since he doesn’t try to hide that, then perhaps he just needs that kind of social contact and feels bad about being expected to report at a concrete hour or come back by a certain hour… it may feel to him like reporting to mother as a kid or something like that.

Looks like your mind is collecting data from all around and processing it into various different scenarios. But be careful. All those scenarios can’t be true at the same time, while pondering them makes one feel emotional hurts from all of them, as if they were all simultaneously true. Plus, it’s tiring on the mind and tired minds come to scary conclusions. You really need to get some rest, make yourself comfortable, do something you like, something for yourself, find something to do that doesn’t involve your husband, and see if he comes back to you. Perhaps he’s one of those people who need a lot of small partying with friends and he has problems dealing with his new situation and its duties. Maybe if you step aside for a moment, he’ll come to his senses and come back to you. I’ve always had this same problem with my girlfriends. They would run from me, rearrange plans, come late, leave early, most of it unannounced, for the sake of friends and such. No amount of talking would convince them even to begin seeing the problem, but sooner or later I would learn to deal with it on my own, upon which they would start complaining about the growing distance. In the end, they would cool down and start feeling domestic, at which point I would already have got over the need for their presence and found new hobbies and things to do, meaning I wouldn’t be so happy to spend time with them anymore, plus they would indeed feel like strangers when coming back from their partying/friends streak. A reversal of roles so to say. Since you’re married, you need to care not to let such distance develop. He needs an honest talk and so do you. But don’t accuse him because he’s most probably not guilty. And he likely has a lot of problems already on his own.

 

[whatevergirl]

Why are we always so afraid to confront, as women? If my husband treated me this way, when I was pregnant…I’d be very hurt and angry…I don’t believe in starting an argument, but he also must realize that you are his priority…not a bar…not talking to some chick who has nothing to do with the price of rice in China…but he should be home with you…helping you…taking care of your needs as his soon to be mother of his child. I don’t think he is cheating, but that’s not the point. Only if he’s cheating, should we say anything? My husband and I have our own circle of friends…but as spouses, the days are over when we should be staying out til 3am…for any reason. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion of he could be cheating, although I can see why that thought is strolling through your mind–but, the point is he shouldn’t be out that late, when he should be home with his pregnant wife.

I would pray about it, no doubt…but I would absolutely tell him how you feel. Being stressed out during a pregnancy is not healthy for the baby either…so, before it gets worse, I’d sit down with him and have a talk. If you have to keep driving to bars to see where your husband is…there’s something wrong with that…

My heart goes out to you–but please have that most needed talk…express your feelings…no need to yell or chastise, certainly…but he needs to realize that what he is doing is making you sad. And I don’t see you as being insecure…

 

[masondoggy]

Why are we always so afraid to confront, as women? If my husband treated me this way, when I was pregnant…I’d be very hurt and angry…I don’t believe in starting an argument, but he also must realize that you are his priority…not a bar…not talking to some chick who has nothing to do with the price of rice in China…but he should be home with you…helping you…taking care of your needs as his soon to be mother of his child. I don’t think he is cheating, but that’s not the point. Only if he’s cheating, should we say anything? My husband and I have our own circle of friends…but as spouses, the days are over when we should be staying out til 3am…for any reason. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion of he could be cheating, although I can see why that thought is strolling through your mind–but, the point is he shouldn’t be out that late, when he should be home with his pregnant wife.

I would pray about it, no doubt…but I would absolutely tell him how you feel. Being stressed out during a pregnancy is not healthy for the baby either…so, before it gets worse, I’d sit down with him and have a talk. If you have to keep driving to bars to see where your husband is…there’s something wrong with that…

My heart goes out to you–but please have that most needed talk…express your feelings…no need to yell or chastise, certainly…but he needs to realize that what he is doing is making you sad. And I don’t see you as being insecure…

I completely agree. He may not be cheating and probably may think he’s done nothing wrong. But there is just no reason for a married person to be staying out at bars until 3 am on a regular basis. Once in awhile is one thing…after at least letting the other spouse know in advance they’ll be out late. Communication is the key.

A person can’t expect to stay out at bars 'til all hours, not answer their cell phone, and be surprised when their spouse gets suspicious! It’s human nature to be suspicious.

 

[Hellisreal]

I agree with whatever girl too.

Tell him you are one body, and he is hurting his body when he hurts you, and the baby too!

 

[chevalier]

I completely agree. He may not be cheating and probably may think he’s done nothing wrong. But there is just no reason for a married person to be staying out at bars until 3 am on a regular basis. Once in awhile is one thing…after at least letting the other spouse know in advance they’ll be out late. Communication is the key.

Agreed.

A person can’t expect to stay out at bars 'til all hours, not answer their cell phone, and be surprised when their spouse gets suspicious! It’s human nature to be suspicious.

Yup, but that aspect of our nature we should sometimes fight. Or rather try to control. I have trouble with that myself, so I know.

 

[littlepaperstar]

. However lately, poker night which used to end around 10pm is ending at 3am! (on a work night).

Yeah, that sounds like a red flag to me. If he is staying out to 3am, it sounds like there is more going on than poker (In my opinion). I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[nurseryworker]

Did you guys socialize together before you became pregnant? Did he ask you to join him when he got called for this one drink? Would he object to you joining him or would he be happy?

If your gut is telling you something is amiss, then I would think you are probably right. Is he acting different around you? Less affectionate? Or is it soley staying out way too late? I don’t know if he is cheating on you or not. Your suspicions don’t strike me being as groundless, unfortunately.

Will keep you guys in my prayers! nw

 

[Eliza10]

You have lots of good advice here. I just wanted to add some thoughts.

Don’t accuse until you have proof. It probably wasn’t wise to call his friends wife and tell her she “better tell you.” If you really had to call, it would be better to play it cool, to get info. Also maybe you don’t know at this point if your husband is the kind of guy who bad talks his wife to others, while he builds himself up. If they think you are crazy (because of what he has said of you) they are going to support him against your “craziness”.

I hope this is not the case, but its not an unusual senario.

As others have told you, his behavior certainly is inappropriate. If you are well enough it would be good to accompany him sometimes, and also feel free to drop in on him at the bar, smiling, because you were just going to be company. If he is talking to a woman, you can put your arm around your husband and smile at her in a friendly way and introduce yourself as his wife.

Also work on looking your best and be proud of who you are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. And a pregnant woman is very beautiful. Pregnancy acne and all! Feel confident in your beauty. Its yours whether your husband - or your mother - sees it (or ever did) or not.

If you get proof, you still might not want to accuse, you may want to bide your time. You may want to see if he tells you the truth about things also. Then you will know how and when he lies, and what kinds of lies. It might be useful to know.

Having a wise plan of what to do will only benefit you. If you find out bad news its best to calm down and figure your best course of action. You’re a young pregnant Mom, and you want to do what you have to do for the sake of your baby.

So, first get the info, then seek wise counsel and formulate a plan of action. Keep everything close, till you know what to do.

And be at peace. Ask God for peace. It will benefit that baby growing in youir womb. I do believe the mother’s state in pregnancy affects the temperment of the child. You want a peaceful baby, right? Then you needs God’s peace. Its the Peace that passes all understanding. The peace you can have even in the midst of a storm. Ask, and He will bless you with His supernatural peace! Know He is near, because He is near to those whose hearts are breaking.

 

[CCM08]

I’m sorry for your situtation, but I have to say it’s little wonder if your husband is having an affair. You allow him to behave like a single man. He’s a married man, that means going out with the guys is pretty much a thing of the past. Do you honestly think he would let you go out with your girlfriends to bars and clubs? Of course not, the only reason you’d go to places like that alone is to meet members of the opposite sex for dating. I’m not saying a married person can never watch movies with the girls, or play poker with the guys, or whatever. However, it’s the exception and certainly not the rule. The trips to the bars without you need to end, and whatever these “bacholar parties” you speak of are, also need to be on the end of a sreeching halt. I think a good rule is a once a month allowance of social occassions when one spouse isn’t invited.
These behaviors end when you get married, that’s what having a wife and responsiblies at home is all about, being at home. It’s really time to sit down and let your husband know it was time to stop acting like a single person when you got married and his social schedule well be adjusted to reflect that. It’s not being controling or confrontational, it’s being married. Simple as that.

 

[ltbpoe43]

I too am so sorry for what you are going through right now - and so close to Mother’s Day also - I pray for you all and hope the loving arms of God’s grace can heal your pain and heal your relationship.

…when I was a child, I acted and spoke like a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (or something like that)

Discuss the issue with your husband calmly, but generally the wedding ring means you are one - to treat each other with respect and support each other always but especially during pregnancy. My wife and I were married 6 years before our first child and I definitly stopped going out to happy hours when we were expecting. And we went out together as a couple before that. We were not separate individuals who happened to live together but were one happily married couple who shared the joy of life together as one at parties, at events, as new parents. God Bless you both and may your hearts see the joy of a loving respectful marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

Excellent post! I heard a quick snippit advertising the Chuck Neff show, where he talks a lot about men’s issues…relating to marriage, being a dad…etc.

He said in the snippit that some men just simply didn’t have a significant male role model in their lives growing up–so they simply don’t ‘know’ how to be good husbands.

I think that’s huge in getting to the bottom of why some men treat their wives like gold…and others don’t fully understand what it means to be a dad and husband.

 

[Jay2]

You allow him to behave like a single man. He’s a married man, that means going out with the guys is pretty much a thing of the past.

If getting married means an automatic breaking of ties with my single male friends, then men don’t get married. Did you cut all association with all of your single female friends upon wedding day… dump your “Maid of Honor”? At your Bridal Shower sent out notices that said “Thanks for the gifts, but goodbye, I can’t associate with you anylonger… I’m married now.”
(Guys that I’ve known years longer, know more about, and are my confidants about “guy stuff” are almost as important to me as my wife… they are my fall-back.)

Do you honestly think he would let you go out with your girlfriends to bars and clubs?

Yes…
I unbolt my wife’s leash from the wall, snap on her chastity belt and “allow” my wife to go out with her single male & female co-workers & friends… whenever she wants to…
Huh???

“Let you go out”??

My wife is not a possession. She’s a partner. Both she & I need time away to blow off steam without “family” obligation… We both know that either’ll be coming home guilt free, and able to have a night out without worrying about the house/kids/dinner/etc. - just go and have a good time with friends, “I’ll feel you later when you crawl into bed”.

Of course not, the only reason you’d go to places like that alone is to meet members of the opposite sex for dating.

No, you shoot pool, throw darts, have drinks, swap lies, and beat off the single people who seem to throng to someone with a ring on their finger.

The OP & her husband need to have a talk about abuse of privileges… staying out longer than expected, and not calling… not about implied/imagined concerns of infidelity.

 

[cecilia97]

You all need to talk. He doesn’t need to be out at all hours drinking - especially on a work night and not without you. It looks like you are going in two different directions and that is not good. A married couple need not be joined at the hip, but it doesn’t seem as though you all have any kind of mutual social life.

You haven’t been married long, so please get help now! I will be praying for you.

I agree. Not saying he’s cheating or not, but my ex exhibited this behavior early in our marriage and I later wished I had really put my foot down HARD. Do not let him make you feel guilty about being “jealous”. As my pastor recently told me, chuckling…“you say that like it’s wrong for a spouse to be jealous!”.

He needs to stop going out without you, you’re his spouse and he needs to be spending his time with you.