I want to become a Catholic but married to a divorcee

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I was raised as a Protestant. I really wasn’t raised in the church. We didn’t attend church but when I was small I said my prayers at night, we would celebrate Christmas and Easter for its true meaning – not just Santa and the bunny. I was baptized in the Baptist church as an adult and attended regularly for many years but I’ve come to find their beliefs are too… easy. In addition, the church we attended called the Catholic church a cult and that is when I just didn’t want to attend any longer.
Both of our extended families were “anti-Catholic.” His late mother lost it when we attended Mass at Christmas one year. But she also threw Holy Water on his house that was next door to hers “so that it wouldn’t sell.” Yeah.
Having said that, I’ve been drawn to the Catholic faith for a while but I’ve committed more than my fair share of mortal sins – including married to a divorcee. He refuses to nullify his first marriage in the church and would definitely refuse to live as “brother and sister.” He does agree with me though that the Catholic church is the most reverent and true church, though he doesn’t totally agree with the doctrine of any denomination.
I’m quite convicted in that I feel I will die in mortal sin and thus go to Hell, but I’m unwilling to leave my husband. We’ve had a rocky marriage but have stayed together and now I intend to so now more than ever as divorce is a grave sin.
So what can I do?
 
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wbp said:
divorce is a grave sin
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This is not true. Divorce and remarriage without annulment is a grave sin, and divorce is to be avoided when possible, but all acts of divorce are not gravely sinful in the eyes of the Church. In instance of abuse, or where there is danger to the spouse, divorce is permissible. Divorce for convenience is not, nor is divorce for reasons such as “fallen out of love,” or even spousal infidelity.

On to your question, and I hope that you take no offense to this, but in the eyes of the Church you are not married. This is not because of any defect in you, but because, due to his prior marriage, your husband was not capable of entering into marriage with you.

You did commit a sin by marrying a divorcee, but mortal sin requires three things to actually be mortal:
  1. The sin must be grave matter. (True in this case)
  2. The sinner must have full knowledge that it is grave matter. (It doesn’t sound like you did, though I can’t know that.)
  3. The sinner must freely chose to sin. (You chose to marry, so this would be true.)
If any one of these three criteria is missing then you have not committed a mortal sin, only a grave sin.

As to what you can do, without an annulment for your husband’s first marriage, then unfortunately you cannot convalidate your marriage in the Church, and it would be necessary for you to live as brother and sister. This is a cross you will have to bear, as you will have to bear his likely anger on account of it. Hopefully, with prayer and patience, he will see the truth of his situation as you have seen it.

What you should really do now is speak with the priest at your local parish about RCIA. There are many people who enter into the Church in circumstances similar to yours. I doubt this will be the first time he’ll have been asked for guidance.
 
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He sees it as being “dishonest” I suppose. He believes that because that marriage produced children that he’s dishonoring them I believe – would make them illegitimate.
 
wbp said:
would make them illegitimate.
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You can happily tell him that this is false. Legitimacy is a medieval concept directly tied in to inheritance and succession law. It is not a Catholic concept. His children will be just as legitimate as ever.
 
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ProdglArchitect said:
but the act of divorce itself is not gravely sinful in the eyes of the Church.
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It sounds as if you are making this a general statement. Divorce can certainly be gravely sinful in the Catholic Church. Too many Catholics today think that divorce is ok as long as one does not remarry. Simply not the case.
 
wbp said:
He sees it as being “dishonest” I suppose. He believes that because that marriage produced children that he’s dishonoring them I believe – would make them illegitimate
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Others have explained better than I could. Hopefully that can put his mind at ease and he will reconsider.

However even if he does, his first marriage may be valid.
 
wbp said:
I was raised as a Protestant. I really wasn’t raised in the church. We didn’t attend church but when I was small I said my prayers at night, we would celebrate Christmas and Easter for its true meaning – not just Santa and the bunny. I was baptized in the Baptist church as an adult and attended regularly for many years but I’ve come to find their beliefs are too… easy. In addition, the church we attended call the Catholic church a cult and that is when I just didn’t want to attend any longer.
Having said that, I’ve been drawn to the Catholic faith for a while but I’ve committed more than my fair share of mortal sins – including married to a divorcee. He refuses to nullify his first marriage in the church and would definitely refuse to live as “brother and sister.” He does agree with me though that the Catholic church is the most reverent and true church, though he doesn’t totally agree with the doctrine of any denomination.
I’m quite convicted in that I feel I will die in mortal sin and thus go to Hell, but I’m unwilling to leave my husband. We’ve had a rocky marriage but have stayed together and now I intend to so now more than ever as divorce is a grave sin.
So what can I do?
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Also, I assume he is baptized. Is his ex?
 
Yes, he is baptized as is his ex who is remarried (she married again before he and I married).
 
tafan2 said:
It sounds as if you are making this a general statement. Divorce can certainly be gravely sinful in the Catholic Church. Too many Catholics today think that divorce is ok as long as one does not remarry. Simply not the case.
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You’re right, I was generalizing. When I say that I’m mainly thinking of instances where there is abuse, I’ll modify my message.
 
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wbp said:
So what can I do?
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Maybe start with the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was, by Michael Smith Foster. A good explanation of what a decree of nullity is, and isn’t. It also talks about some of the other processes such as dissolution of the natural bond in favor of the faith. See if your husband will read it with you. Many non-Catholics do not want to participate in a nullity process, because they don’t understand it or have a lot of misconceptions about it.

If he won’t learn about it at all, then you are at an impasse for the time being. I would still suggest speaking to your local Catholic pastor.
 
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ProdglArchitect said:
You did commit a sin by marrying a divorcee
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ProdglArchitect said:
have not committed a mortal sin, only a grave sin.
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Mortal sin and grave sin are the same thing.

A person who does an objectively wrong act in ignorance commits no sin at all.
ProdglArchitect said:
without an annulment for your husband’s first marriage, then unfortunately you cannot convalidate your marriage in the Church
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If her husband’s first marriage is null, there is nothing to convalidate. If his prior bond is null, then their marriage is valid.
 
wbp said:
would make them illegitimate.
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A common, but untrue, misconception.
MNathaniel said:
There’s no such thing as an ‘illegitimate’ child.
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Well, yes there is, in both civil and church law. It’s a fact of the circumstances of birth.

In the OP’s case, it isn’t applicable as the children born of a putative marriage celebrated in good faith are legitimate even if the marriage turns out to have been invalid.
 
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So if I can’t resolve the issue – he continues to refuse to nullify the first marriage and we continue to live as “man and wife” - now that I know the truth as I’ve studied the faith and am no longer ignorant, will I die in unrepentant mortal sin and thus be damned to Hell?
 
wbp said:
So if I can’t resolve the issue – he continues to refuse to nullify the first marriage and we continue to live as “man and wife” - now that I know the truth as I’ve studied the faith and am no longer ignorant, will I die in unrepentant mortal sin and thus be damned to Hell?
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Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma used to say.

Take things one step at a time. Many things could happen, and there may be avenues that you aren’t aware of when all the facts are laid out.

Just one step at a time.
 
1ke said:
Mortal sin and grave sin are the same thing.

A person who does an objectively wrong act in ignorance commits no sin at all.

…

If her husband’s first marriage is null, there is nothing to convalidate. If his prior bond is null, then their marriage is valid.
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Thank you for the corrections.
 
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