I wish my parents would call me

[Lady_Cygnus]

About every two weeks to a month I give my parents a call to see how things are going at home. You know, just to hear how everyone is doing, are things going well, etc. It would be nice if they would call me first every now and then (well, sometimes they do…if they need something). A few nights ago I called my Mom to talk, but she had to get off the phone early. She promised me she’d call me back (even put a sticky note on her monitor)…well the next day I imed my Dad and he said she was “very sorry”

I suppose what really bothers me is that often people don’t know my parents even have a third daughter This is mostly my fault, I have two very outgoing sisters and I tend to be more quiet and reserved. Ok, so I’m flat out anti-social, but God made us all different

I know they love me and their house is very busy, so they don’t often remember with everything else that is going on. I’ve tried calling them more regularly, but it seems I’m just intruding on their lives (or I remember I should call them right about now at 3am).

Just in case it isn’t clear, I’m mostly laughing at myself in this post. To think in most cases it’s the other way around Ah well, anyone else have a similiar experience?

 

[melbourne_guy]

i guess thats not very fair on you, have you discussed this with them?

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

melbourne_guy:

i guess thats not very fair on you, have you discussed this with them?

To some degree, I’ve mentioned that I’ve felt forgotten at times, but then I get a list of all the crazy things that have happened. Like I said, their house is very busy and life seems to be in constant upheavel for them. They are really great people and when I think of all that they are facing it makes my little problems seem insignificant

Besides when it comes down to it I am a grown woman, not dependent upon them, so I don’t need them to call me. But it would be nice if they did

 

[montanaman]

Lady Cygnus:

About every two weeks to a month I give my parents a call to see how things are going at home. You know, just to hear how everyone is doing, are things going well, etc. It would be nice if they would call me first every now and then (well, sometimes they do…if they need something). A few nights ago I called my Mom to talk, but she had to get off the phone early. She promised me she’d call me back (even put a sticky note on her monitor)…well the next day I imed my Dad and he said she was “very sorry”

I suppose what really bothers me is that often people don’t know my parents even have a third daughter This is mostly my fault, I have two very outgoing sisters and I tend to be more quiet and reserved. Ok, so I’m flat out anti-social, but God made us all different

I know they love me and their house is very busy, so they don’t often remember with everything else that is going on. I’ve tried calling them more regularly, but it seems I’m just intruding on their lives (or I remember I should call them right about now at 3am).

Just in case it isn’t clear, I’m mostly laughing at myself in this post. To think in most cases it’s the other way around Ah well, anyone else have a similiar experience?

I know exactly what you mean. My mom tells me every time she does talk to me, “Move back hom.” But, I initiate every single call. Dad is worse–he has few recognizably human emotions that I can discern. He said he’d call me before they went to Hawaii for Christmas. Yeah, no call.

I’ve just come to the conclusion that hey, when we’re kids we can’t get away from them. When we’re adults, we get our wish–and THEY can’t wait to get time alone away from us.

 

[auroraj42]

I think my husband could relate to this in some ways…his parents have called him a handful of times since he was in college, but his parents don’t necessarily have the excuse of a busy household, its more of a way for them to punish him…instead they’ve taken in his sisiter’s hubby as their own and are now their perfect family where everyone obeys them.

My husband gets left out of family events, and is generally the last to know about family emergencies, such as his Grandpa’s stroke…we found out a month later.

Are your sisters still living close to home and dependent in anyway on your parents? My husband’s sister still lives down the street from their parents, and she and her husband are dependent on them for many things, meals, money, cars, etc.

My husband and his brother, who have moved further away tend to be the ones forgotten, although my husband is furthest away so he is the one most forgotten about. A lot of people say that the family dynamics will change after our baby arrives, but I don’t think it will.

It could very well be though that in the midst of your family’s crazy schedules that they forget to make time for a phone call…but I can understand why you would feel hurt…if my mom and I don’t talk at least once a week its a bad week…normally we call each other every few days just to chat…and I like to call and see if my little bro has proposed to his girlfriend yet…they want to get married, but don’t have the financial stability to do it yet, so they’re holding off until they can support each other, they’re getting closer though…we’re all pretty excited for them!

Don’t worry though sweetie, your family loves you, even if they don’t always show it…

Jamie

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

I understand completely! As a child, I didn’t feel loved. As an adult, I still seek my parents’ love and approval. It really helped me to read The Five Love Languages . It talks about how each person has a primary love language that they both use to show and receive love. My mother’s love language is giving gifts. Mine is different. Everytime I visit, she sends something home with me. It didn’t mean anything to me except that maybe she was clearing out her stuff. After I read the book, I realized she was saying, “I love you.” I think this book should be required reading for spouses and parents.

 

[puzzleannie]

we used to call our children more often, but since we always get an answering machine, it is kind of pointless, but at least they can call back when it is convenient for them. Even when they do call back the conversation is short, and interrupted by call waiting, screaming kids or other disasters. Thank goodness for email or we would have no communication at all.

 

[kaygee]

Don’t know your age group or your parents’, but my folks were raised at a time when long distance telephone was very expensive and one only used the phone for long distance in an emergency or on very special occasions. . . so I always called them; they never called me.

 

[MooCowSteph]

JMJ Theresa:

I understand completely! As a child, I didn’t feel loved. As an adult, I still seek my parents’ love and approval. It really helped me to read The Five Love Languages . It talks about how each person has a primary love language that they both use to show and receive love. My mother’s love language is giving gifts. Mine is different. Everytime I visit, she sends something home with me. It didn’t mean anything to me except that maybe she was clearing out her stuff. After I read the book, I realized she was saying, “I love you.” I think this book should be required reading for spouses and parents.

I don’t want to throw this thread off topic, but I love this subject. Popcak discussed love languages in his books, and since I found them so interesting and helpful, I got my mom the 5 Love Languages of Teenagers for Christmas. I’m hoping she’ll find it helpful in dealing with my 14 year old brother. I think understanding our family member’s love languages can really help with communication and closeness.

 

[BOBKAT]

I know the feeling except I feel unloved by my brothers and sisters. This year I am sending them all cards and offering my feelings up to our Lord, it is something I felt He wanted me to do. Know that you are not alone.

God Bless
and Merry Christmas
Kathleen

 

[StephanieC]

Lady Cygnus:

About every two weeks to a month I give my parents a call to see how things are going at home. You know, just to hear how everyone is doing, are things going well, etc. It would be nice if they would call me first every now and then (well, sometimes they do…if they need something). A few nights ago I called my Mom to talk, but she had to get off the phone early. She promised me she’d call me back (even put a sticky note on her monitor)…well the next day I imed my Dad and he said she was “very sorry”

I suppose what really bothers me is that often people don’t know my parents even have a third daughter This is mostly my fault, I have two very outgoing sisters and I tend to be more quiet and reserved. Ok, so I’m flat out anti-social, but God made us all different

I know they love me and their house is very busy, so they don’t often remember with everything else that is going on. I’ve tried calling them more regularly, but it seems I’m just intruding on their lives (or I remember I should call them right about now at 3am).

Just in case it isn’t clear, I’m mostly laughing at myself in this post. To think in most cases it’s the other way around Ah well, anyone else have a similiar experience?

It’s good that you’re mostly laughing at yourself. But I’ll bet you do let it get to you, though?

I have often felt the same way with my mom. Having moved out of state & gotten married, I thought, “I called her last time. Now it’s her turn to call me!” And I’d throw myself an itty-bitty-pity-party, sniffling to my husband about how “If I don’t pick up the phone and call people, I’d never talk to anyone…sniff! sniff!”

I’d play a waiting game, to see how long I could hold out without calling my mom if she didn’t call me. By the time I cracked and called her, I would feel hurt and resentful…great way to start a call, eh?

Here’s how I changed my attitude:

–I remembered that my mother has never like to just pick up the phone and chat, even with her friends. She will, however, chat at length when called.

–I realized that growing up, it was always my parents calling up grandma & grandpa regularly and putting us on the line to talk; never them calling us…there’s a reason for that, and it’s…

–Calling my folks regularly can be my way of honoring (my) father and mother.

**–**I simply decided that being the person who picked up the phone to call would be my weekly “thank you” to my folks.

Also, you said so yourself (above in blue) that “God made us all different.” Yep, that’s right. And some folks he made phone people, and some non-phone-people. If it’s okay to give yourself a pass for being “anti-social”, I think it’s the least you can do to give your folks a pass for not calling you. What do you think?

 

[Amie]

Sweetie… I hear ya! Unfortunately, parents are just people. They don’t Mean to be hurtful, they’re just being thoughtless. I highly recommend a counselor. NOT a therapist, a psychologist, etc. Just someone who will listen to you, help you to understand your parents’ weird ways, and will help you be more confident and accepting of it all. I don’t think it has anything to do with you being “shy”. I think you feel a bit left out, and probably have for a while. I recommend an older, woman counselor, preferably Catholic, who can listen and give advice. Also, look for friends who may be older and can give advice when mom and dad can’t. I have a weird relationship with my mom, and have found a few older girlfriends who “mentor” me along my life, and they are good, strong, christian women. They fill that void that parents sometimes leave when they are just being…themselves.

God bless and good luck,
-Amy

 

[contemplative]

Parental rejection is painful at any age.

When your parents would prefer a walk on the green with their golf mates to a walk with you and your family ‘anywhere’ it is time to get the message…however painful it is.

Don’t keep banging your head and heart. :banghead:

Ask God to fill the painful gaps in your life. Ask God to make holy whatever is unholy in you…if you sense negative thoughts and feelings towards your parents or family members. Ask God to fill you with His love. He will answer you…focus on Him…this is what He wants.

 

[bjj]

Look at this rejection in a different light. I believe children who are dependable and responsible lighten the load for parents. Remember, parents jobs never end. I, too am a child who is not forgotten, but just overlooked at times. I do not take this negatively, I take it as a compliment. My parents know they raised me well, and they know I can take care of myself and my problems. They realize that if I do need them, then I know they are there for me. Take it as a personal accomplishment of succeeding on being a child well grown and independent. Merry Christmas to you. You are God’s child and you are loved!!!

 

[StephanieC]

Sorry, folks, but I think I’m going to be the dissenting voice on this thread.

Where is everyone reading about “parental rejection” in the OP’s posts? I don’t see it. Where does she say that they are weird, mean or hurtful?

I thought her posts sounded remarkably balanced and positive, and in fact, she states
Lady Cygnus:

Like I said, their house is very busy and life seems to be in constant upheavel for them. They are really great people and when I think of all that they are facing it makes my little problems seem insignificant

Every unfulfilled wish does not automatically = a need for counseling!

 

[LSK]

You know what I think? I think the OP is GREAT! I mean it! She is half laughing at herself because why? She knows what would make her feel better (her parents acting in a different way) but she also knows that

a) they probably aren’t going to act differently than they are right now

b) that the way they act now does not mean they do not love her

c) that her feelings are the real problem and don’t have to rule her reality.

Personally, I admire her mental health! You are doing ten TIMES better than you think you are!

I use a God or Jesus Box for this - and much worse - type of issue, i.e. the type of issue that is causing me pain but which I cannot change and which I know, deep down inside, is not as big a problem as it feels.

Get a shoe box and cut a hole in the top. Decorate it anyway you want. This is your Jesus Box…
Then get a piece of paper (or several pieces, if you are like me and really need to vent at times) and start writing. Don’t worry about spelling, syntax, grammar, or if it makes any sense. It’s for you and Jesus so it doesn’t matter what it looks or sounds like. Maybe it might be something like this:

I am so darn tired of always being the one who calls Mom and Dad. Just once I would like to be the one who gets a phone call. I know they’re busy but jeesh louise, what am I chopped liver? I mean, hey it hurts my feelings and makes me feel 'less than" and whaddya mean you forgot after putting a sticky note on the monitor? I’m your daughter, you big dummy, you are not supposed to forget to call your daughter! I hope the phone gets stuck in your hair, how do you like that? Besides, I never forget to call you so …blah blah blah…you get the idea.

When you are all done, you get on your knees and say a prayer…maybe like this:

Here it is, Jesus. This is how I am feeling right now. It is not pretty. It is not nice. Shoot, Lord. It isn’t very Christian or Charitable but it is how I am feeling. Please take these feelings, Lord, so that I may go about my day being your obedient daughter and not let myself get caught up in these negative emotions. Help me to love them, my family and my neighbors. In Your Name, I pray.

Then put the paper in the box and the box somewhere up high where no one else will see it and go about your day. If you have to stop and write it over and over and over…so be it.

Jesus told St. Faustina that to truly trust in Him meant to come to Him with everything - even our negative and silly stuff. So try it…

This type of exercise has really helped me.

My prayers are with you!

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

JMJ Theresa:

I understand completely! As a child, I didn’t feel loved. As an adult, I still seek my parents’ love and approval. It really helped me to read The Five Love Languages . It talks about how each person has a primary love language that they both use to show and receive love. My mother’s love language is giving gifts. Mine is different. Everytime I visit, she sends something home with me. It didn’t mean anything to me except that maybe she was clearing out her stuff. After I read the book, I realized she was saying, “I love you.” I think this book should be required reading for spouses and parents.

I’ve heard of this book, my parents read it a few years back and it helped them understand each other a lot. I suppose it’s now my turn to read it…

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

StephanieC:

It’s good that you’re mostly laughing at yourself. But I’ll bet you do let it get to you, though?

I have often felt the same way with my mom. Having moved out of state & gotten married, I thought, “I called her last time. Now it’s her turn to call me!” And I’d throw myself an itty-bitty-pity-party, sniffling to my husband about how “If I don’t pick up the phone and call people, I’d never talk to anyone…sniff! sniff!”

I’d play a waiting game, to see how long I could hold out without calling my mom if she didn’t call me. By the time I cracked and called her, I would feel hurt and resentful…great way to start a call, eh?

Here’s how I changed my attitude:

–I remembered that my mother has never like to just pick up the phone and chat, even with her friends. She will, however, chat at length when called.

–I realized that growing up, it was always my parents calling up grandma & grandpa regularly and putting us on the line to talk; never them calling us…there’s a reason for that, and it’s…

–Calling my folks regularly can be my way of honoring (my) father and mother.

**–**I simply decided that being the person who picked up the phone to call would be my weekly “thank you” to my folks.

Also, you said so yourself (above in blue) that “God made us all different.” Yep, that’s right. And some folks he made phone people, and some non-phone-people. If it’s okay to give yourself a pass for being “anti-social”, I think it’s the least you can do to give your folks a pass for not calling you. What do you think?

This is kind of why I posted this, by getting it out there it stopped it from stewing inside me. It also forced me to remember that they both have full time jobs, my three sisters living at home, one sisters three little children and two to four exchange students…

bjj:

Look at this rejection in a different light. I believe children who are dependable and responsible lighten the load for parents. Remember, parents jobs never end. I, too am a child who is not forgotten, but just overlooked at times. I do not take this negatively, I take it as a compliment. My parents know they raised me well, and they know I can take care of myself and my problems. They realize that if I do need them, then I know they are there for me. Take it as a personal accomplishment of succeeding on being a child well grown and independent. Merry Christmas to you. You are God’s child and you are loved!!!

This is probably very close to the truth - I like your thinking

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

LSK:

You know what I think? I think the OP is GREAT! I mean it! She is half laughing at herself because why? She knows what would make her feel better (her parents acting in a different way) but she also knows that

a) they probably aren’t going to act differently than they are right now

b) that the way they act now does not mean they do not love her

c) that her feelings are the real problem and don’t have to rule her reality.

Personally, I admire her mental health! You are doing ten TIMES better than you think you are!

wow - um…thanks

I use a God or Jesus Box for this - and much worse - type of issue, i.e. the type of issue that is causing me pain but which I cannot change and which I know, deep down inside, is not as big a problem as it feels.

Get a shoe box and cut a hole in the top. Decorate it anyway you want. This is your Jesus Box…
Then get a piece of paper (or several pieces, if you are like me and really need to vent at times) and start writing. Don’t worry about spelling, syntax, grammar, or if it makes any sense. It’s for you and Jesus so it doesn’t matter what it looks or sounds like. Maybe it might be something like this:

I am so darn tired of always being the one who calls Mom and Dad. Just once I would like to be the one who gets a phone call. I know they’re busy but jeesh louise, what am I chopped liver? I mean, hey it hurts my feelings and makes me feel 'less than" and whaddya mean you forgot after putting a sticky note on the monitor? I’m your daughter, you big dummy, you are not supposed to forget to call your daughter! I hope the phone gets stuck in your hair, how do you like that? Besides, I never forget to call you so …blah blah blah…you get the idea.

When you are all done, you get on your knees and say a prayer…maybe like this:

Here it is, Jesus. This is how I am feeling right now. It is not pretty. It is not nice. Shoot, Lord. It isn’t very Christian or Charitable but it is how I am feeling. Please take these feelings, Lord, so that I may go about my day being your obedient daughter and not let myself get caught up in these negative emotions. Help me to love them, my family and my neighbors. In Your Name, I pray.

Then put the paper in the box and the box somewhere up high where no one else will see it and go about your day. If you have to stop and write it over and over and over…so be it.

Jesus told St. Faustina that to truly trust in Him meant to come to Him with everything - even our negative and silly stuff. So try it…

This type of exercise has really helped me.

My prayers are with you!

I LOVE this idea! I’m generally pretty forgiving…or um forgetful…but there are several times I’ve had troubles. This would be great to try - I think I’m going to start today!

 

[puzzleannie]

it sounds like what you really wish is not about who calls who, but on restoring the proper balance of family relationships, ending jealousy, resentment, injustice, manipulation, and emotional blackmail that has crept into the family. Maybe this would be a good time of the year to pray to the Holy Family for the intention of healing your family. you can’t change them by yourself, but you can change how you react to them, and the damage it does to you. Linda Schumans Miracle Hour of Prayer is the best resource I can think of off the top of my head for prayer to release you from the spirit of resentment that can be so hurtful.