If pre-marital sex is a no-no, how far can couples go?

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I was asked a difficult question by my nephew.

He isn’t religious but a great kid. His parents (my brother and his crazy ex) split up 5 years ago. Neither of them took him to church as has been in a public school system for his whole life. He is 16 now, very short, a bit chunky and shy. Not exactly the type girls like.

We were talking about Catholics and Protestants, etc. when he asked me point blank,

“If you aren’t allowed to have pre-marital sex, then how far are you allowed to go? Is Oral sex OK, breast play OK, are HJ’s OK”

I told him I would get back to him as I was tongue-tied because I didn’t want to get into detail.

I just told him to make wise decisions.

Help me out people!
 
You might explain that he’s thinking about this in the wrong way. You don’t live out a relationship in mutual respect by starting with “what can I get away with”? You don’t start a job and ask your employer, “OK, I understand that thus-and-so will get me fired, but what can I get away with and still NOT get fired? Like I know I can’t call in sick when I’m not sick, but how much late can I come back from lunch without losing my job?”

The idea when it comes to chastity is not “what can we get away with”? Look at integrity–it is a lot more than “not lying”. The same goes with chastity–it is a lot more than “not touching there or touching like that”. In fact, it does not hurt to look at chastity as integrity in the language of the body. Like integrity in the language of the tongue, it all starts a lot deeper than the actions that people can see or hear. Chastity, like other forms of integrity, is a matter of the soul.

In practical terms, then, it becomes clear that the idea is “how can we treat each other and our bodies with respect?” The line of “what can allow ourselves to do”, seen in the proper context, is going to be different for everybody because some of us have to keep a lot tighter control on ourselves in order maintain our integrity. How to tell him in detail what is absolutely out-of-bounds, I’ll leave to you.
 
aTraditionalist said:
How about not doing anything you wouldn’t want your mother seeing?

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I was going to say that, but the general sense of appropriate embarrasment in our society is not that reliable. I think we have all seen people, as the old saying goes, doing things that ought to embarrass a dog and only caring whether or not they were found out. These are not times to put our morals at the mercy of the opinions of others, particularly if those others do not have a properly-formed conscience themselves.
 
"Anyway, here are a few guidelines for how you can know how far is too far. Whenever you are considering doing something with a girl, ask yourself if you would do that if her parents were in the room. Or imagine the expression on her dad’s face if he were to walk in on you. In our hearts we all know what is pure and pleasing to God. Let this sink in.”

chastity.com/chastity-qa/how-far-too-far/hooking-up/exactly-how-far-too-f

I might add that every item mentioned by the OP as asked about by the nephew as to whether it’s ok IS pre-marital sex. It’s not just intercourse.
 
Our priest says he gets this question a lot from eager teenagers. He replies, “How hard could I slap you in the face before it hurts?” Why push the line?
 
JimG said:
"Anyway, here are a few guidelines for how you can know how far is too far. Whenever you are considering doing something with a girl, ask yourself if you would do that if her parents were in the room. Or imagine the expression on her dad’s face if he were to walk in on you. In our hearts we all know what is pure and pleasing to God. Let this sink in.”

chastity.com/chastity-qa/how-far-too-far/hooking-up/exactly-how-far-too-f

I might add that every item mentioned by the OP as asked about by the nephew as to whether it’s ok IS pre-marital sex. It’s not just intercourse.
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not according to Bill Clinton(sorry, I just had to), actually you should do nothing that you would not like her parents or Priest to see.
 
This is a common question asked by many teenagers of our time. Certainly fornication (pre-marital sex) is an offense to dignity of marriage, as is adultery and divorce. Oral sex, also, is a grave offense towards the dignity of marriage, as sodomy is outlawed by God. While masturbation is a sin, I would guess that a “hand-job” is also a mortally grave sin.
 
Married39 said:
I was asked a difficult question by my nephew.

He isn’t religious but a great kid. His parents (my brother and his crazy ex) split up 5 years ago. Neither of them took him to church as has been in a public school system for his whole life. He is 16 now, very short, a bit chunky and shy. Not exactly the type girls like.

We were talking about Catholics and Protestants, etc. when he asked me point blank,

“If you aren’t allowed to have pre-marital sex, then how far are you allowed to go? Is Oral sex OK, breast play OK, are HJ’s OK”

I told him I would get back to him as I was tongue-tied because I didn’t want to get into detail.

I just told him to make wise decisions.

Help me out people!
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“HJ’s”? :confused: I would ask what that stands for, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know the answer. 😛

This topic comes up quite often. I searched the forum for the exact phrase “how far is too far” by thread titles only and it yielded 21 hits. So there’s lots to read here . 🙂

But Easter Joy basically sums up the Catholic approach. It’s about living the virtue of chastity, not wondering how much we can get away with.
 
Married39 said:
I was asked a difficult question by my nephew.

He isn’t religious but a great kid. His parents (my brother and his crazy ex) split up 5 years ago. Neither of them took him to church as has been in a public school system for his whole life. He is 16 now, very short, a bit chunky and shy. Not exactly the type girls like.

We were talking about Catholics and Protestants, etc. when he asked me point blank,

“If you aren’t allowed to have pre-marital sex, then how far are you allowed to go? Is Oral sex OK, breast play OK, are HJ’s OK”

I told him I would get back to him as I was tongue-tied because I didn’t want to get into detail.

I just told him to make wise decisions.

Help me out people!
Click to expand...
He may not have any criteria to make wise decisions! Which is why you need to answer the questions he has, from the POV of someone who cares about his immortal soul! It’s not about how much one can get away with! It’s about what God wants for us. Start with the basics, about how living your life according to God’s rules means that you never have to worry about “how far can I go?” God has laid it all out for us in clear terms, and even given us a good idea about the consequences when we violate his rules. It’s such a relief to know these rules, and it takes away the uncertainty in our lives.

But don’t just lecture him, ask HIM questions too. What does he think are the right things to do? Then lead him in the right paths.
 
Some people prefer the “If it is something you wouldn’t do in front of your parents, then don’t do it at all until you are married.”, but I find that a bit unrealistic and strict, though still effective. But I think “If it is something you wouldn’t do in a nice restaurant, then don’t to it at all until you are married” is sufficient.

Though, when it comes to things you can do when you ARE married, that is a different question. It isn’t all “fair game”.
 
Forget what your boy/girlfriend wants…JESUS is in the room with you, what do you think HE would want?
 
😦 I feel so sorry for young people today. I didn’t even know what any of this stuff was until I went to college.

Your nephew is asking the wrong question. The question shouldn’t be “how far can a couple go with each other” but “how far can they go to please God.” Remind him of the Gospel story that it’s what comes out of the heart of a man that defiles him. God can see our heart and can see why we do what we do. If a couple is doing everything but have sex, that brings no glory to God.

Maybe you can suggest he read books by the Everts or the Ludy’s.
 
I suppose that one reply might be to say to the girl’s father, “Say, I know that you don’t want us engaging in premarital sex, so just how far can I go with your daughter?”

Of course, that presumes that the Dad has some moral standards.
 
“What would you want a man doing with your sister?”

“Would you want to know that some man had done xyz with your wife before you married?”

As others have posted, he’s asking the wrong question, he just doesn’t know it!
 
KCT said:
“What would you want a man doing with your sister?”

“Would you want to know that some man had done xyz with your wife before you married?”

As others have posted, he’s asking the wrong question, he just doesn’t know it!
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This assumes that he sees something wrong with the actions to begin with, which is probably a false assumption.

He definitely is asking the wrong question, though. It would probably be better to tell him that if he does anything with the goal of sexually pleasuring himself or his girlfriend, that’s something that should only happen inside of marriage.

It’s not perfect, but at least it draws the line waaaay before all this stuff he apparently thinks is OK.

I would stay away from analogies that depend on embarrassment in front of family members. It sounds like his family isn’t too healthy in this respect.
 
KCT said:
“Would you want to know that some man had done xyz with your wife before you married?”
Click to expand...
I remember hearing that one from some Catholic youth speaker. The speaker asked the teen to close his eyes and imagine his future wife out there somewhere. She is is the future mother of your children. She is the woman you will spend the rest of your life with. Picture her sitting on a couch in her living room. Now picture her current boyfriend sitting on the couch next to her. How far do you think she should go? 😛
 
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