If you are a woman and you knew that

[SomeCatholicGuy]

you might be moving away within a year, and the guy you just started seeing might be moving away in 9 months, how would you approach a potential relationship? The distance would be substantial, as in 1000+ miles. Would you stop seeing him, or just going along and see what happens, but keep things low-key, or something else? Would you feel a need to protect yourself by preventing yourself from liking the guy too much? Also, how would you want the guy to act, if that’s the case? Thank you in advance!

 

[kevinsgirl]

My situation when dating my DH wasn’t exactly the same as the one you propose–but we DID meet online (AMS) and start a correspondance with 2200 miles separating us. And you know what? It worked out. He eventually moved to my state and we got married. The distance played a factor but it wasn’t a dealbreaker for us because we didn’t let it become one. I give DH a lot of credit for being the one to make the move, come to a strange city and start a new life…just so we could have a relationship and discern marriage. He knew 100% that it was what he wanted to do and I admired his confidence.

That being said, I had been in a previous long distance relationship that didn’t work out–some of it was definitely because of the distance. The guy wanted me to move to his state but refused to make any compromises or sacrifices on his part. He ended up breaking up with me before I moved near him (thank goodness!).

So what I’m trying to say is I wouldn’t let distance keep you two from having a relationship. You just have to recognize that it can be an obstacle. If you truly love each other it can be handled like any other obstacle your relationship will face. If your relationship has too many stresses already, a long distance often results in a breakup.

Good luck!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Thank you, kevinsgirl! I was actually hoping to get the perspective of someone whose relationship didn’t start out as an online/long-distance relationship, because it’s a bit different in that case, as both parties had already made the decision to pursue a long-distance relationship as possibility from the get-go. Also, I think online communication offers a sense of security (one is typing behind a computer) that dating locally does not afford. That said, I can certainly appreciate what you said, and thank you again for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[jacie]

What is most important is that you are both at a point in your lives where you are ready and able to contemplate marriage. The distance can almost work in your favor, because it would certainly make it easier to abstain from the physical part of the relationship and focus on getting to know each other in other ways. If one of you is not ready for a serious relationship, then he/she will probably call it off soon after there is physical distance between you. So maybe have that frank talk with him before getting too far into it.

 

[HouseArrest]

9 months to a year would be enough time for me to decide whether or not there was enough there to put forth the effort of maintaining a long distance relationship. Heck, when my husband and I got married, I had only known of his existance for 2 and a half years, and when we got married we’d only been dating for two. We were engaged for one whole year. So there you have it. I suppose I could say I’d even be ready to make plans before one of us moved away.

 

[zaramarie81]

9 months to a year would be enough time for me to decide whether or not there was enough there to put forth the effort of maintaining a long distance relationship. Heck, when my husband and I got married, I had only known of his existance for 2 and a half years, and when we got married we’d only been dating for two. We were engaged for one whole year. So there you have it. I suppose I could say I’d even be ready to make plans before one of us moved away.

I would have to agree that 9 - 12 months is an almost perfect chunk of time to discern if the relationship will lead to marriage. Sometimes it takes longer, but often that is all the time you really need. My suggestion would be to sit down and be very purposeful about your dating. Openly acknowledge the impending moves, and agree that if you are still dating in say 6- 8 months you will sit down and re-evaluate and decide from there what will be done. That way the woman knows what to expect, knows you are not just dating her to pass the time, etc. If a man communicates with a woman, let’s her know his true feelings and what to expect from him, it minimizes her insecurity and makes her feel respected.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Thank you for the responses. It’s very interesting, because that’s not the answers I was expecting at all. Would I be correct to assume that women don’t usually have misgivings about starting a relationship that could end in the foreseeable future due to reasons known at the present time?

 

[Em_in_FL]

My story goes:

I started spending time with my husband the summer before I left for college (in New Hampshire, but we live in FL)… so I left for college and we, of course, stayed in touch and actually grew closer (email, calling, etc)… so I came home.
We slowly started dating and then eventually got engaged…

So really it doesn’t matter in the long run. If God wants to bring you together then He can do anything! In my case I was moved enough to switch colleges!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

My story goes:

I started spending time with my husband the summer before I left for college (in New Hampshire, but we live in FL)… so I left for college and we, of course, stayed in touch and actually grew closer (email, calling, etc)… so I came home.
We slowly started dating and then eventually got engaged…

So really it doesn’t matter in the long run. If God wants to bring you together then He can do anything! In my case I was moved enough to switch colleges!

Thanks, Em_in_FL. Did you try to keep it low-key in the beginning? If so, when and how did it get more serious?

 

[1ke]

Thank you for the responses. It’s very interesting, because that’s not the answers I was expecting at all. Would I be correct to assume that women don’t usually have misgivings about starting a relationship that could end in the foreseeable future due to reasons known at the present time?

You would not be correct in assuming anything about “women” as a group because each woman is an individual.

Some women would not want to pursue a relationship in this situation, others would find no problem with it.

What you need to do is discuss the future and the expectations each of you has in a relationship and expectations surrounding where you might life. If this were to move to a serious relationship are either or both of you willing to move to where the other resides or to a third location somewhere else entirely?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Thanks, Em_in_FL. Did you try to keep it low-key in the beginning? If so, when and how did it get more serious?

I guess… really our relationship wasn’t romantic (and I don’t mean sex, just lovey-dovey) until after I came back to FL… prior to that it was more of a bond of faith. We met at church and often spent hours talking about the faith, the world, God, etc… our relationship grew on that.

 

[zaramarie81]

Thank you for the responses. It’s very interesting, because that’s not the answers I was expecting at all. Would I be correct to assume that women don’t usually have misgivings about starting a relationship that could end in the foreseeable future due to reasons known at the present time?

Hmmm, the reality is, every relationship ends unless it leads to marriage so in some way all dating relationships are risks. Some risks are known, others are not immediately apparent. The key is that you both are willing to discern marriage and haven’t already settled on breaking up with the move. Otherwise, don’t waste each others’ time! And… remember relationships are primarily emotional, not logical. If the relationship does end, even with proper “warnings”, most women will still feel hurt and sad. After all, when two people date the hope is that it will lead to marriage, and it hurts when it does not.

 

[Just_wondering]

Thank you for the responses. It’s very interesting, because that’s not the answers I was expecting at all. Would I be correct to assume that women don’t usually have misgivings about starting a relationship that could end in the foreseeable future due to reasons known at the present time?

Hmm… for me, that’s not true. If I was predicting the end of the relationship in the foreseeable future, I wouldn’t start it. However, having said that, a plan to move away is not necessarily an end to the relationship. I started my relationship with my boyfriend with full awareness that he was leaving Korea twelve months later. Actually, he only agreed to stay those twelve months in order to pursue the relationship - he had been planning to go home two weeks later when he realized the feelings were mutual and changed his plans.

In our case, we were both marriage-minded, so we decided to give it a shot. If either of us thought that the other wanted a “fling” and wouldn’t bother to continue once we were separated by distance, we wouldn’t have started dating at all. If we broke up because it wasn’t working out that would be one thing, but dating without intent to try for marriage and breaking up when one of us moves away would be different. If he was just planning to enjoy my company while he was in town and then break my heart upon his departure, ain’t no way I’m signing up for that.

I don’t know, it’s late here. I don’t think I’m expressing myself clearly. But if you’re asking whether a plan to move away is an impediment to dating, then no, it isn’t for me, as long as we’re both in it for the long haul.

 

[jlyn1110]

I started dating my boyfriend approximately 6 months before I left to study abroad. In fact, that’s how we celebrated our 6-month anniversary - he said goodbye to me at the airport as I was leaving for Spain.

It was a hard semester! But thanks to email, Skype, and the occasional package or bundle of letters, we made it through. I try not to make too many guesses about how and what he thinks, but I’d wager that if he won the lottery today, we’d be engaged tomorrow.

It can be done.

 

[SMHW]

I’m going to specifically address the case where a couple meets while they are living in the same area:

I think the reason for an impending separation has to be considered. One of the most likely reasons for such a separation would be that one or both parties plan to go off to school. Another likely reason is that one or both will be accepting employment.

The schooling situation is temporary. It may or may not be a deal breaker for a given couple. But many couples can and do have such long distance relationships because they understand that each party has something to which they must devote a great deal of attention for the present. And they expect that the separation will be temporary.

The employment situation can be a bit more problematic, especially if both parties to a relationship are accepting jobs. In this case the couple has to consider their long term plans. Most couples are not willing to enter a marriage if they aren’t planning to share a common home base. (Yes, I know some jobs such as sales, military, transportation, etc, require much time away from home, and sometimes even a second home. But there is still a home.)

For such a relationship to have a probable future, one or both parties to it would have to eventually be willing to move to the location of the other.

 

[chevalier]

I would consider it, but I would be very cautious. There is a lot of trade-offs in such a situation and if you don’t know the person well but are merely dating, then it may be less than worthy of giving up other people for the period of separation. One option would be to stay friends and see if there are any feelings during the first meeting within the time of separation, after, say, a couple of months.