If you are an adoptee (or not), how "open" do you think an adoption be?

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cecilia

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If you are an adoptee, and hypothetically you adopted a baby, how much involvement from the birth parents would you think is best for your child? The agency we are going through is pushing for openness to the point of having ongoing visits. Not knowing the birthparents and having children aged 10 and 13, it is hard to imagine this.

The agency presents adult adoptees who don’t have contact with birth parents as having many problems because of their sense of loss and disconnectedness.
 
As an adopted child I had no involvement of natural parents. Much better.
We grew up knowing we were adopted but only had one set of parents and one family. No ‘special’ people on the scene.

I would say no visits.
 
Let me give you my two cents. Here is my situation, my husband and I have adopted 2 children through the state. Both were removed form their respective parents because of abuse and/or neglect. We adopted my son at age 11 and my daughter at age 9. My son has no contact with his bio mom and I feel he is doing much better than my daughter who has limited contact. I feel my job is to do what is best for the child NOT the bio parents. I let both kids know that we are very grateful to their moms ( they could have had abortions). We make sure we pray for the birth parents but my daughter is always so worried about her birth mom. My kids have been through enough without having to feel responsible for the happiness and welfare of their birth parents. I send the state updates on my son once a year ( in case the mom contacts them) and to my daughters birth mom once or twice a year because I want the kids to know their parents are wonderful for giving them life. The children however always are concerned about their birth parents. My two cents is in seeing how it accepts my kids and a friend who who put her child for adoption 15 years ago is that any more than an update opens old wounds over and over and neither the child nor the mom has a chance to heal.
 
Hi. I have 3 children all of whom are adopted. My son has an “open” adoption. We meet up with birth mom about 1 time per year. At this time, my son does not realize she is his birthmom (her choice). We send pictures at Christmas. My girls have closed adoptions. In my son’s case, the birthmom has told me that she thinks it’s best for him to be just our son—not hers too. She just wants to see him once in awhile and get pictures. She loves him and wants what is best for him. I have other friends who have not been so fortunate with birthmoms.

I would have a “semi” open situation if you could compromise. Perhaps first names only type thing. Send pictures and letters. Maybe have the adoption agency coordinate a meeting once a year or maybe every other year (whatever you’re comfortable with). I think it would be confusing and unsettling to see birthmom on a regular basis. It’s difficult to predict what the future will bring in terms of visits. Perhaps birthmom will tire of it and want it to end—then your child is hurt. Or maybe it’s the other way around and birthmom causes trouble because of it.

I would try to negotiate some type of situation that you can be comfortable with and that will provide clearly to your child who his mommy and daddy are. Then, when he/she is older he/she can decide what the visitation thing with birthparents will be.
 
This is one of the most difficult parts of adoption. Our adoptions are open, but in practice it doesn’t work out that way.
We had a visit once with my daughter’s birthmother when my daughter was 7, and she was able to explain why she couldn’t take care of her children. Since then she’s been back in prison, unfortunately, and will be for awhile. My daughter sends her cards for Mother’s day.
We had an open adoption for my son, but his birthmother disappeared. She lost custody of four children altogether (one at a time – he never met his siblings), and he was the oldest. This has been hard on him, though he doesn’t speak of it much.
There is some pain involved for all parties, no matter what you choose. My children’s pain of feeling rejected, since they don’t understand all that their birthparents have had to deal with. My pain, when occasionally they’ll get mad and say, You’re not my real mother! (Kids know how to push the right buttons.) My answer is always, Yes, I am. Who do you think takes care of you when you’re sick, etc. You’re lucky you have two mothers who care about you.
Of course the birthmother’s pain, since they can’t be with their children. We pray for them often. I believe this is why my son’s b’mom has disappeared.
In the long run, I believe that openness and transparency benefit everyone. We have no family secrets. I’ve always firmly believed that the truth is the best thing – because the baseline truth is that we are all God’s adopted children, and He loves us no matter who else abandons us. I also try to impress my children with this.
Adoption is not for wimps. It has forced my husband and me to mature. But it is worth it all, to know we’re providing a stable home for kids who otherwise would be in the foster system, possibly moving from home to home.
 
Cecilia,

I’m writing as someone who worked in the social service field for about 15 years; in the adoption field for roughly 5 of those. I’m not an adoptee & haven’t adopted.

I would recommend that you reach out to as many adoptive parents as possible (great idea to post here); possibly drop in on a support group while you are deciding. Listen to all of the different scenarios that come up, and think about what you are honestly-in-your-gut comfortable with. The state in which you live may have specific laws that either free or restrict your decision, anyway. (In my state, for example, you can agree to anything you want, but once you go to court & the child is decreed yours, you have no obligation to do anything at all.)

Yes, the current trend is for as much openness as possible. This works for many people. As you will hear, it does not work in all situations. A totally open adoption just for the sake of openness doesn’t make sense; you need to think about why you are deciding on the* particular* *level *of openness for this particular child, and with this particular birth parent, and the birth parent’s *particular set of circumstances. *Again, the law may make some of those decisions for you.

Please don’t let anyone pressure you into an agreement that you do not feel confidently prepared to live with. You mentioned that the agency you are working with had described adult adoptees as having many problems because of a sense of loss and disconnectedness. I can’t remember the website right now, but there’s one out there that lists many famous, successful and well adjusted adoptees. My point is this: there are many happy adoptees out there that did not have an open adoption. Happy adoptees typically don’t seek out services, and therefore, typically don’t participate in research studies on openness in adoption & the correlation between that and their problems.

Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions & I might be able to help. God bless you on your road to adoption!
 
One of my grandsons was adopted out to a couple who were friends of mine. There has been no openess since the father is not interested and the mother lives 3000 miles away now. The boy has always known he’s adopted.

He will be 15 next month so I’m imagining he will be asking some intense questions soon and wanting to check out the bio parents for himself. That is natural curiosity. I hope his adoptive parents will let him come to me first so I can tell him how fortunate he was to be adopted by them.
 
I was adopted back in the 1950’s when there was no such thing as an open adoption. In fact in the state where I was adopted it was impossible to get any access to the adoption records until quite recently. At the very least the child deserves to know the ethnic background of their biological parents as well as any perinent health information from the biological parents families. Until I was able to get this information when I would go to the doctor and had to answer all those questions on family history I had to answer I don’t know. It would have been nice to know that perhaps I had to be more vigilant because there was a family history of a particular disorder.
 
My husband and I have a dd who is almost five who is adopted. We enjoy a fully open relationship and it has worked out well for all of us. Open adoption does not mean co-parenting. It is an opprotunity for our dd to know her birth mother and her biological history. There is a adoption saying about giving “roots and Wings”- my dd’s bmom gives her her roots while we as her parents provide the wings. Our relationship has some growing pains in the beginning but it has worked out very well. We always say that our relationship is based on love and respect with the common goal being the good of our dd.
We meet with dd’s bmom a few times a year and phone calls monthly. Actually I have become a bit of a mentor for bmom since she has had another child. Do not let the idea of open adoption scare you away from adopting.
anngirl
 
Being a person that was adopted from birth and now know my birth family, I would say it totally depends on what kind of people they are. I did not know anything about my birth family til I was 30. I found out her name when I was 18. I did not have the best adoptive parents but they did keep me safe from not so good people. My birthmother had my older sister and gave her to her own mom and dad. One year later she had me and gave me up without even seeing me. Then three years later she had my little sister and gave her to another family.

Our mother was a heroin user. She would not have been somebody good to be around as I was growing up. My older sis tells me about seeing her passed out with a needle hanging out of her arm. She cared for drugs more than us.

Unless you know this person inside and out and know all their history and moral beliefs…I would say no.

My birthmother is a different person today, but that does not change the kind of person she was back then. It was good I did not meet her til she grew up and found GOD. I am glad I was told I was adopted.

Dawn
 
Our son’s adoption is truly open with his birth mom and her parents. They also don’t draw the line at loving only that child – they are equal opportunity spoilers.

I can’t imagine my life without my son’s birth family. We are family. It isn’t a daily contact, but we help each other when we can and support each other. It is perhaps an unusual circumstance.

Our son’s birthfather has bi-polar disorder and has chosen to not have contact with him.

Our newest son, who we are adopting at the age of 5, has a birth mom who has expressed no desired contact. We will still be willing to have contact – limited at first – but for the sake of the child – who is at the center of this – it will be important someday for him. He has questions and I answer them as positively as I can without sugar-coating it. His birth mom gave him life – I can’t do that. It is the supreme gift of the Creator to allow mere mortals to be co-creators with Him. She didn’t make good choices all the time for him, but she did surrender her rights thinking she was going to be arrested for abandoning her child. That is an act of love, to me.

Who knows, our next child may be a safe haven baby – and we will have no chance for openess. I will still state that the birth mom gave life to the child.

I love to read Angel in the Waters to the boys. We can talk about their life inside their birth moms and how God in His great love provided their guardian angel from the very moment they were conceived. Works for me.
 
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