I'll think twice before asking for help again!

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jules11

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Call me sensitive, but when people are having difficulties in their marriages and turn to complete strangers for help and advice, (they must be getting desperate… no insult intended to all the wonderful caring people on here) they don’t need a whole lot of people commenting on 'complaining about their husbands and saying they are ‘spouse bashing’
I do not ‘husband bash’… I am simply looking for advice.
Thank God there are those of you with wonderful happy marriages… but we are not all blessed in that way. If you have problems with a parent/inlaw/child should we add to it by telling you to stop complaining or stop asking for advice or stop trying to fix the problem??? Please be a little more charitable.
 
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jules11:
Call me sensitive, but when people are having difficulties in their marriages and turn to complete strangers for help and advice, (they must be getting desperate… no insult intended to all the wonderful caring people on here) they don’t need a whole lot of people commenting on 'complaining about their husbands and saying they are ‘spouse bashing’
I do not ‘husband bash’… I am simply looking for advice.
Thank God there are those of you with wonderful happy marriages… but we are not all blessed in that way. If you have problems with a parent/inlaw/child should we add to it by telling you to stop complaining or stop asking for advice or stop trying to fix the problem??? Please be a little more charitable.
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Now I am curious and want to give you good, charitable advice 😛

What happened?
 
Jules, I cannot speak for the poster regarding the many “husband” posts so I don’t know their intent. But, I don’t think that it was aimed at you personally.

I think it was just an observation that there seem to be a large number of posts about husbands right now and they are mostly negative rather than positive.

No one is suggesting that anyone discontinue posting for advice.
 
There is a huge difference between giving someone honest advice that might be tough to swallow, (but is good advice nonetheless) and treating someone like the scourge of the Earth or a whiner or a
“husband basher” because they are asking for advice.

If the family forum is not a safe place to discuss marital problems with fellow Catholics, what is it? I can’t imagine a much more relevant topic for Catholic Answers. Who knows how many marriages this has already helped by allowing a place to discuss/ vent/ ask for advice without lashing out on the spouse. It allows for a place to discuss and prioritize and chat with others in the same situation or who have been in a similar situation at one point in their marriage Nobody is forced to read a thread or comment on it.

I am sorry you were made to feel chastized for discussing and asking for advice with your husband. I hope *some *of the comments and advice you have received were positive and helpful.

I was once totally TRASHED, called awful names and purposely misunderstood for a thread I started. I eventually had it removed and took a break from CA for awhile. I understand where you are coming from!

Someone could have started a thread to discuss positive things in marriage *without *singling out other members who are having difficulty in marriage or criticizing their threads. Just a suggestion for future threads. 🙂
 
I’m sorry, Jules, I know you are in a fragile state. It is helpful to remember that people have such different temperaments. We have to be ready to find excuses for people when they aren’t compassionate.

I hope things are getting better. When we went through a rough time, a friend of mine told me that there are not just rough days, or weeks, or months --there are rough years! Hard to even contemplate, isn’t it? I also remember reading a study that surveyed couples who rated their marriages as desperately unhappy. Five years later, almost all said that they were very happy.

Of course, you can’t make your husband commit to the marriage.
If only we could use drugs and subliminal mind control…just kidding (I think).

I hope you will not regret your thread–if only for the prayers. I’m sending one to you now.
 
I’m sorry too Jules! I know you are in a difficult marraige situation right now. The cost of asking for advice is that some people will give you their best - what really worked for them - but they may be completely clueless about the depth of your problem - and why what worked for them won’t work for you no matter how much you wish it could. Its important to tell people, like you are now, how hurtful that is, so they can be more careful in the future. God bless you. God’s peace be with you. I will pray for you.
 
Jules,

The vast majority of us realize that people come here to seek genuine constructive advice on their situations, as well as a bit of sympathy from those who have been there. There’s nothing wrong with that. Please don’t let anyone chase you off the boards. The boards are here for you and your problems as much as they are for anyone else. If nothing else, a lot of people are praying for you and that can’t be a bad thing, right?

From my own experience: I recently posted that I was planning to go back to school for my PhD, and if by some miracle I became pregnant during the 5-year program (a huge miracle, as I’m pretty sure DH and I will have to adopt if we ever want children), I might not drop out depending on how far into the program I had gotten. Keep in mind that when I posted this we were already 1.5 years into our struggle with infertility, and that at this point I had not even applied to schools, it was just a plan. Of course a poster had to immediately jump in and label me as “selfish”, and a few others then jumped on the bandwagon.

Ah, the double-edged sword of anonymous public forums. Both a blessing and a curse, sometimes all at once. This one is generally great, though. Don’t give up on us yet. 🙂
 
svoboda said:
Now I am curious and want to give you good, charitable advice 😛
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What happened?
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Read the other posts about husbands and you will understand… Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude, if it comes across that way. I posted a few threads about my marriage difficulties and some people took those (and other postings about husbands) as us complaining and husband bashing…
 
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jules11:
Read the other posts about husbands and you will understand… Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude, if it comes across that way. I posted a few threads about my marriage difficulties and some people took those (and other postings about husbands) as us complaining and husband bashing…
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I did not take it as husband bashing. Just an FYI everyone has been there at one time or another. Sometimes there are a lot of posts and it must bother some people. Me I just add you to my prayer list and pray that things go better for you. Marriage is not an easy task in fact that is why I myself always say if my husband goes before me I am going to the convent. I never knew how much work marriage really requires. I am sorry things are not going well for you and yes there seems to be a lot of bashing on other issues as well. Some advice spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and offer every sacrifice you can for your marriage some day you will be able to write what a wonderful husband you have. I had many years to learn that it takes two and sometimes one partner has to give more than the other.

Know you and your husband are in my prayers.🙂
 
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SeekerJen:
Jules,

The vast majority of us realize that people come here to seek genuine constructive advice on their situations, as well as a bit of sympathy from those who have been there. There’s nothing wrong with that. Please don’t let anyone chase you off the boards. The boards are here for you and your problems as much as they are for anyone else. If nothing else, a lot of people are praying for you and that can’t be a bad thing, right?

From my own experience: I recently posted that I was planning to go back to school for my PhD, and if by some miracle I became pregnant during the 5-year program (a huge miracle, as I’m pretty sure DH and I will have to adopt if we ever want children), I might not drop out depending on how far into the program I had gotten. Keep in mind that when I posted this we were already 1.5 years into our struggle with infertility, and that at this point I had not even applied to schools, it was just a plan. Of course a poster had to immediately jump in and label me as “selfish”, and a few others then jumped on the bandwagon. It happens. I don’t think most people who post such things even realize how it sounds, nor would they ever intend to be hurtful. Maybe this is a good wakeup call.

Ah, the double-edged sword of anonymous public forums. Both a blessing and a curse, sometimes all at once. This one is generally great, though. Don’t give up on us yet. 🙂
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Oh puleease!

If you read my OP you would know I was only semi-serious!
I don’t have a problem with anyone seeking advice.
I was just commenting on the number of threads on the topic of what is wrong with their husbands. It wasn’t just your thread - which was very serious. There were just so many, and some quite trivial really. I don’t even have a problem with the trivial it’s just that they were so many and were all so popular I though -
"Gee lots of dissatisfied wives out there! "

Try not to take it so personally. I didn’t actually say anything really mean or nasty - just a bit of tongue in cheek.
 
Cadence said:
Oh puleease!
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If you read my OP you would know I was only semi-serious!
I don’t have a problem with anyone seeking advice.
I was just commenting on the number of threads on the topic of what is wrong with their husbands. It wasn’t just your thread - which was very serious. There were just so many, and some quite trivial really. I don’t even have a problem with the trivial it’s just that they were so many and were all so popular I though -
"Gee lots of dissatisfied wives out there! "
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Try not to take it so personally. I didn’t actually say anything really mean or nasty - just a bit of tongue in cheek.
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Like I said in your thread… some people have a lot of problems and are feeling very sensitive and vulnerable and when it seems like others are ‘having a go’, even if it is only ‘tongue in cheek’, you will not necessary get a good response. I know what you wrote was not meant to offend in any way. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m having a go at you, but I’m just trying to explain that when things aren’t good, it doesn’t take much to upset you further.
 
And by the way, Cadence… it wasn’t just what you said… it was other comments that made it sound like we were just a bunch of whiners.
 
Hi Jules It sounds to me like you have true concerns and issues you need to talk about to someone who will listen to your difficulties and give you kind and balanced advice. I guess it’s not always easy to interpret exactly what people mean in the written word and that’s not said to defend or accuse anyone on these forums.

Can I suggest you might think about going and speaking to a close and trusted friend or family member or perhaps speaking to your priest or a Priest from another Parish to yours? In any case I’d like to think you can find that advice you need because at some time in everyone’s life we all need advice and a true friend to give advice to us, that friend may well be a kindly Priest. Think it over. I’m sorry you feel hurt and I hope the Holy Spirit consoles you, either way I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
I agree 100% with Jules11. You should think twice about asking for help on the internet! You should talk to a Priest, friends, family, etc. In other words, someone who knows you or your situation. There is just no way you could explain every aspect of your life and problems in a post. You couldn’t begin to explain to complete strangers how you feel and what your life is like on a daily basis.

I admit guilt of giving advice I should have kept to myself. I used to get tired of hearing, “ask your Priest,” but now I think it’s the best advice. Along with “ask your family/friends.”

I think people tend to use this forum as a place to vent, and that’s fine. I think, however, that if you start to find yourself considering seriously the advice given on an internet forum, you’d better reconsider the source. I’m sure everyone is well intentioned, (maybe not) but they really don’t know you or your situation well enough to give sound advice.

Now, if this makes sense to you and you agree with it, I guess you have to reconsider it.
 
I would like to weigh in on Pira’s comment that the internet is not a good source of advice (let me preface by saying I understand what you meant by all aspects cannot be given justice over the net, and you are right). IMO, and IM experience, discussing marital issues can cause scandal and unexpected consequences when opened up to family/friends. I think there is a risk of tainting how they see the spouse (it certainly happened with my own mother) based on complaints, issues, etc. Even if they are trying to practice a good Catholic faith, they have human failings and who wants to think that their daughter/son/friend etc. is being neglected/abused/ignored or whatever.
Any advice, internet or personal, must be weighed against what we know to be Christ like behavior, as you all know. We also need to reflect on ourselves, too. I posted about my husband’s weight gain, and I got lots of good advice. However, I think it is possible that my frigid nature needs to be conquered, and some warmth from me could help.
Jesus Christ should be the first and last person we go to for help, as well as begging Him in between, but He has graciously provided family, friends and forums to tend to that all-too-human side of us all.
In the Immaculate Heart,
 
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