I'm a lousy husband

[SeekerJen]

I think I should make a small clarification, I I do try the best I can to help my wife with the kids and let her have some rest. What I feel so guilty about is that yes, I did learn NFP with my wife and I took it to mean that you only use it in for valid reasns. “I” had no valid reason so I did’nt put my wife first and think maybe her reasons were valid. That is how I guilted her into sex when clearly she was trying to to tell me she needed a break. This is what I am now understanding.

Yeah- it’s not about one spouse’s lack of valid reason, it’s about a joint decision. The two of you are now one flesh. Her valid reasons are your valid reasons, so yes, you did have valid reason to avoid when you guilted her into sex. I’m glad for both of your sakes that you’re realizing how damaging your attitude could be. Being the head of the household doesn’t mean that whatever you say goes- you need to equally take her concerns and needs into account, and love her as Christ loves the church.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

Oh boy- I just wrote a nice reply and accidentally erased it. I’ll try again- sorry if 2 messages pop up.

The most important thing is that you recognize that you may have been acting on your own needs and being self motivated. It’s ok…we are all just human and having guilt helps remind us we want to be better.

I like to use guilt as a blinking road sign that points me in a better direction, and try to avoid it as a drowning pool of self pity that will leads me to focus on self. (Not saying you do that, but just sharing how I cope with it effectively.) Otherwise, you would be focusing on yourself again and failing your wife when she needs you to be strong.

Tell her what you are feeling, apologize for the past, tell her how you want to work on a plan with her after #4 that works for both of you, and tell her how you plan to help her right now. And- this is very important since you are talking to a pregnant woman you say may be overwhelmed- be gentle and show remorse- but not in a weak way. She should not feel she needs to console you in this conversation- focus on her as the one who needs emotional support and be the strong man she deserves.

Then ask her, “What can I do so that you feel supported and loved?” Don’t be suprised if she has to think and get back to you later, or suprised if her answer isn’t anything you would have realized. Just reassure her once you know that you will do it happily and often.

You may have heard Matthew Kelly’s 7 levels of Intimacy? If not I recommend you get the live presentation on CD (about 1hr long) and $10 at www.matthewkelly.org .

Maybe you should ask your wife to talk about some of her hopes and dreams. Try to really know what they are so you can support her. Some of them may be something you can make happen now- others may be bigger and kept in mind for the future. Women often put their hopes in a closet and put everyone else first and then are quietly desperate. This is where a man’s strength and gentleness can really shine.

You sound like a good husband and father. Build on that, and I hope you all enjoy this pregnancy and embrace each other!

 

[latinmasslover]

How could I do this to my wife. I have a wonderful wife. She is the sweetest most innocent person I have ever known. She loves me unconditionally and never tells me no. I met her when she was 18 at a pro-life prayer group. I am 8 years older then her. I was completely in deep the first time I saw her. I asked her out and 6 months later I proposed. She told me she was nervous and not sure if she was ready to be married but I pushed and pushed and she caved. We were married 10 months later. She had told me she didn’t think she was ready to be a mom and that if we married she feared getting pregnant right away. I assured her we would be extra careful. I even went with her to the group classes for Natural Family Planning. But of course, her fertile time fell during the week of our honeymoon, and here is my first moment of weakness, I waited so long to be with her and now we were married, blah blah blah, I got her pregnant. When baby 1st son was 6 weeks old her doctor gave her the green light for sex again. But she wasn’t to sure how to chart during breastfeeding and I didn’t have the self control to wait around. I felt terrible she had just had a baby and selffish me, I got her pregnant again.After baby number 2 came she wouldnt let me near her for like 6 months. Then I started to guilt her into sex even though she was having a really hard time charting her fertility while breast feeding.2 months after that she found out she was pregnant again. And then hears the topper… she has just told me she is pregnant with number 4. She is so upset but she is hidding it very well. But I know she is upset, I hear her crying in the shower. She wasn’t ready for the 1st one, and now #4. Her friends are all starting to finish college, going out having fun (all things I got to do as I am older then she) and she is at our house changing diapers and chasing toddlers.
She never complains, she loves ours kids and is the best mom in the world to them. But I think I have completely put myself infront of her needs and now I don’t know if I can ever make it up to her.
The worst part is she still tells me she loves me, she never complains, and she she always has a warm smile on her face.
Oh THE GUILT.

Wicked, wicked. First, you shouldn’t feel too bad, unless of course you’re raping her, which I highly doubt. She could always insist on “no.” What a wonderful woman to be married to, one that doesn’t b***** and moan over…the unexpected, and then blame you (like so many women tend to do). She seems to be very resigned to the will of God, knowing that these children are not accidents. You’re truly blessed.

NFP is only to be used (to avoid pregnancy) for serious reasons. This could be God’s way of saying that, presently, there are no serious reasons. I say enjoy it while it lasts:thumbsup:

Take the whole situation up in prayer with her, I’m sure He will give you both the strength to abstain, should He feel it necessary. God Bless.

By the way, congratulations! :dancing: :extrahappy:

 

[sanctamaria17]

by the way, I do want to just say how truly blessed I am to have my wonderful children. I hear about, and know so many people who want so badly to have a child or several children and it doesnt happen for them. I just don’t want anyone to think I am anything but greatefull for my wonderful children.
What I feel guilty for is taking advantage of my wife.

What you did was wrong, OP, but the beautiful thing is that you recognize it and you have a very lovely lady in your life. I’ll be praying for you. Have you been to Confession? If not, get there.

 

[veritas_B16]

I disagree with latinmasslover. Some women don’t feel like they can say no to their husbands, even when that is what they really want – they don’t know how to, or don’t want to hurt their husbands. And, as a previous poster said, your decision should have been joint decisions, not just yours.

And I second sanctamaria… what you did was certainly wrong, and it is beautiful that you recognize it. You need to make amends with your wife, and with God, and then step forward in preparing for this child.

veritas

 

[EvelynEVF]

I also disagree with latinmasslover. Not saying that this is what you did at all, but it is devastating when a husband stops hearing his wife’s “no” and pushes past it. It can destroy a marriage because it kills trust.

For while at least, you will need to be very careful that you hear those no’s, and that you assume a maybe to be a no until you have had a chance to really connect on the subject. Sometimes it seems easier for a wife to acquiesce, just to avoid the trouble, but it will eventually come back to bite both spouses.

 

[nmoerbeek]

I disagree with latinmasslover. Some women don’t feel like they can say no to their husbands, even when that is what they really want – they don’t know how to, or don’t want to hurt their husbands. And, as a previous poster said, your decision should have been joint decisions, not just yours.

And I second sanctamaria… what you did was certainly wrong, and it is beautiful that you recognize it. You need to make amends with your wife, and with God, and then step forward in preparing for this child.

veritas

Personally I think that the OP is not giving his wife enough credit and is deciding to throw a pity party for her. In a kinda of a strange way he is bragging. I prefer this though to someone coming on and saying what an a** their husband is for getting them knocked up so many times.

 

[latinmasslover]

James, some people here seem to believe that the woman calls all the shots and that she has no obligation to sacrifice herself for her husband. Too bad. You seem to have a wonderful wife, a truly Christian wife which is hard to find these days, especially among Catholics.

As she will sacrifice herself for your needs/desires, so you to should be willing to do the same for her, should the situation call for sensitivity/“caution.” God Bless.