I'm Catholic, but my Fiancee is Not. May Cause Problems In The Long Run

[GhostMan]

Perhaps what you want is for everyone to tell you that “Love conquers all”. Brother, this is life, not a movie. I mean that kindly; I say that from experience.

Marriage comes with many conflicts that cannot be avoided. Each party has life-issues they bring to the marriage that impact their thinking process and worldview. Religion, when both parties are devout, is probably the biggest one.

I see you wanting to make this happen, desperate to find a way to make it work. I see you saying that life has risks and you are willing to take them. that’s admirable, but not when the road is so filled with the car-wrecks of other people who have said the same thing and failed. Listen to them. Life is long and being in a marriage that full of constant tension is so wearing on your spirit that I cannot even begin to explain it.

For more than twenty years, my wife and I had a fairy-tale marriage. We overcame things that other marriages cannot: death of a child, money, jobs, extended family, raising children. Each of these things was done as a pair, united and together. She was my soul; my happiness was bound up in hers. I prayed to God every night and thanked Him for giving her to me. Every night.

Then, she left the true faith and followed another path. The conflict, pain, anger, anguish and sorrow that have followed have changed the nature of our marriage to the opposite end of the scale. We have a separate peace now, that is the best that we can manage. We remain together out of commitment. That change make me weep often. It breaks my heart and crushes my spirit.

Surely, the risk is too great? If you believe that you are above all that is common to man, you put blinders on. Take heed, for your own happiness and that of this woman who you love. Neither one of you wants to fail.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I apologize in advance for typos. I am on my Blackberry.

Listen, mixed marriages can work wonderfully and sometimes without issue. I have seen it personally. Not every mixed marriage is doomed or going to have problems surrounding faith. Some couples really do understand each other’s religions and get along and respect them swimmingly (I like to think this is us).

That said, you do need to address these issues and not approach it like an ultimatum. Hear her out. Make sure to understand her beliefs.

Again this isn’t necessarily about religion but morals.

Don’t judge her. Try to see her side. Take time to think about what she says.

Make sure she understands you. Make sure you are clear about your expectations. You both need to understand the other clearly to decide if you should go forward with marriage. Also do precaana. Our priest really reached out to Nathan and helped him understand some things about the Catholic faith I was struggling to explain.

 

[Alix1912]

For instance Catholics believe the eucharist is the body and blood of Christ, protestants believe its symbolic.

Not to sidetrack, but not all protestant religons believe that communion is just symbolic. Eastern Orthodox, Anglican, and Lutherans all believe in the real presence of Jesus’s Body and Blood. Please do not lump all protestants together, we may not be Catholic, but we are not all the same.

 

[rayne89]

Ok, sorry for sounding rude, but did you not read what I wrote? I SAID me and her are gonna talk about this and try to come up with a plan. But if it doesn’t work, then what do you expect me to do? NOTHING in life is guaranteed. All I can do is (like I said BEFORE) talk to her before we get married, try to come up with a plan that we BOTH agree on how we are to raise our kids, and then just pray that it goes according to plan. That’s ALL a person can do. Like I said before, NOTHING in life is guaranteed. So even if we do come to an agreement on how to raise our kids and we stick by it, I don’t know what the future has in store for us. NOBODY does. For all I know, (and this is just a hypothetical situation) something may happen and we may end up leaving each other because things aren’t working. Now would that be my fault? As long as I did my best to raise those kids and to be a good husband/father, then NO. It’s not my fault. But I can’t go back in time and undo what happens. I gotta go with the reality. And REALITY is that NO ONE knows what their future holds. So you DO have to just hope and pray for the best. Because our lives are NOT in our hands. Their in the Lord’s hands. So as long as I do my best and stick with our agreement on how to raise our children, then all I can do from there is hope and pray for the best. And that’s all ANYONE can do.

My parents came up with a plan on how they were gonna raise me and my siblings. Did it work? No, they ended up getting divorced. Was I said? Yes. Did I wish that my parents never got divorced? Yes. Did I Feel uncomfortable seeing my parents seeing other people? To an extent, Yes. Did I get over it? YES. Did I die? NO…It was a terrible experience for my family to go through that, but life doesn’t end there. And I’m not mad at my parents because I KNOW they gave it their BEST. Despite the fact that it didn’t work out, they TRIED to follow their plan. And I feel no anger towards EITHER of them.

So you see? Even if you come up with a plan, sometimes it doesn’t work. So ALL a person can do is their best and then just leave it in the hands of God. If you have a different perspective on life, that’s your own belief. But don’t come at me trying to make me sound like I don’t CARE about our kids futures Rayne. My religion is EVERYTHING to me and I want nothing more then to teach them the same values my parents taught me and I AM. I just have to find some common grounds with my Fiancee before hand. But I can’t GUARANTEE that things will work out. NO ONE can. All you can do is your best…and pray to God and have faith in Him that He will do what’s best for you in the end…

I’m not trying to make you sound like anything, honestly. I’m trying to give you things to think about. Being young and in love is wonderful, but the rose colored glasses do come off eventually. What happens after that is what makes or breaks a marriage. There’s something else, marriage in the church is for life -if you go into thinking I can always get divorced that’s actually grounds for having your marriage declared null, meaning it makes it invalid. When you say I do as a Catholic you have to really mean “until death do you part”. There can not be any plan B, any other choice. You need to be sure in your mind you are willing to stick this out forever -well until one of you dies. You have to say to yourself “Divorce is not an option.” This is serious stuff.

I’m not trying to mean to you, youth comes with a wonderful optimism and age comes with experience. Both are great things but you shouldn’t chose to be guided by one over the other. Both are important. You need that fire to get you through the valleys of life, but you also need to listen to those whom have gone before you. You can learn from them. You also need to chose to love even when the feelings aren’t there, because love is not about “feelings”, its an action.

Obviously you do care or you wouldn’t be here asking and that’s a very good start.

 

[rayne89]

Not to sidetrack, but not all protestant religons believe that communion is just symbolic. Eastern Orthodox, Anglican, and Lutherans all believe in the real presence of Jesus’s Body and Blood. Please do not lump all protestants together, we may not be Catholic, but we are not all the same.

Eastern Orthodox are not protestants. Lutherans believe in consubstantiation which is different than transubstantiation. Anglican belief the real presence does not mean they believe Christ is present materially the way Catholics do, a few low-church Anglicans do not believe in the real presence at all.
I do realize protestant belief varies greatly, no insult was intended.

 

[Ruthie]

I’m going to take some things you have said in previous posts, but out of order.

Please don’t get into defensive mode about what we are telling you. :hug1:These are things you need to take into consideration. Don’t let your reaction be “But our relationship is different!”

So we’re very understanding of each other and I’m confident in the fact that things will work out with me and her. And if they don’t, I may be sad and depressed for a good long while. But at least I’d be confident in the fact that it was not my fault and it wasn’t because I didn’t give it a sincere try…

So, it will be all her fault. You’ve already assigned blame to her. Not a good way to enter marriage.

And I’m not mad at my parents because I KNOW they gave it their BEST. Despite the fact that it didn’t work out, they TRIED to follow their plan. And I feel no anger towards EITHER of them.

Both these quotes sound to me as if you’re going in to this marriage with the idea that, if it doesn’t work out, you can always get a divorce. That’s the way I went into my first marriage - which lasted all of two years. (We weren’t Catholic.)

A Catholic marriage is FOREVER. You will be stuck with it whether or not you can follow your plan.

I highly recommend that you learn not just what the Church teaches about marriage, but WHY. God’s real love for us is behind it; the “rules” are for good reasons.

But for the most part I’m just trying to ignore this and hope that she’ll forget about this.

You don’t see the red flag here. It’s not about her; it’s about you. You are just kicking back and *hoping *she’ll change. Entering a marriage with the view that the other person will magically change (or that you can “fix” them) is the cause of a whole lot of divorces, including my parents’.

This needs to be changed *before *you marry, not after. You have to convince her that the Catholic teaching about procreation is the right one. This is a BIG DEAL.

And she may be entering it with the same kind of idea - that you will change your mind later. When both spouses have this idea, the marriage will **not **be a happy one.

My religion is EVERYTHING to me and I want nothing more then to teach them the same values my parents taught me and I AM. I just have to find some common grounds with my Fiancee before hand.

Emphasis mine.

You need to find more than “some” common ground. You are both being *unrealistic *about something very important. I’m not saying she’s lying about letting you raise the children Catholic. I’m agreeing with others that, after carrying this little life for 9 months, and going through labor, when she holds this tiny person that she carries half the responsibility for in her arms, her strongly held Baptist faith will become very important to her. She will want her child raised in the *right *faith, and to her, Catholicism is **not **it. And the same thing will probably happen to you.

She needs to learn and agree with Catholic teaching about marriage and procreation. When she does, she’ll agree that IVF, and therefore being a surrogate mother, is wrong.

She needs to, at least, not care about the subject of infant baptism. AFAIK, Baptists are pretty passionate about opposing it.

I know that many Baptist churches teach that premarital sex is wrong, so my assumption is that you two are being chaste. But - and I’m not accusing you of this, just covering a base - if you are already having sex with her, and using birth control, you will come across as a big fat hypocrite when you try to show her the truth behind the teachings of the Church.

God bless both of you,

Ruthie

 

[rolltidefan]

Did you say that you were going to talk to her before the marriage about you except regarding the religion and the future children? What will your decision be if she decides that she is not going to agree to raise the children Catholic? Of course, as I said before, just because she says that in conversation now, doesn’t mean that she will or has to stick to it. I am assuming this not a legally binding contract and only a contract through the church. As some other poster posted it is a whole different story when you have the child to raise and you both are going to different churches and I know for me as a mother there is NO WAY that my child would be raised something that I myself didn’t practice in. Which is one of the reasons I would have never signed anything. Thank God my husband married me anyway. I can tell you that your marriage can work out, but that doesn’t always mean that the one that is protestant has to do the changing, so are you prepared to do the changing, if you think love is going to get you through it? I think you better think long and hard and listen to what your fellow Catholics are telling you if you want to not have future problems or if you possibly are not willing to convert if it comes down to that. As I said before, her religion is also important to her and it doesn’t mean that she has to give up everything she believes in.

Don’t everybody freak out over what I have said here. I know I am on Catholic board. Don’t want to offend anyone. I am actually trying to help this person out to stay in his beliefs as a Catholic, but also if he is going to be a mixed marriage/relationship then he needs to remember that some compromising may have to be done on his side if he really is going to go through with this.

I do hope it works out for you. I cannot imagine not having my husband in my life…even in the ups and down of the religious discussions. I will pray for you and your fiancee.

 

[kage_ar]

How are you going to work Easter?

As you know, the Holiest days of the year begin with 40 days of fasting and prayer. Your wife-to- be knows that you will be fasting, abstaining from meat on Friday’s and praying, living a life that is focused on prayer for that six weeks, right?

Then we get to Easter weekend. Remember, Baptists do not have the same sense of those days as we do.

You, as a practicing Catholic, will attend Mass on Holy Thursday, the service of Good Friday and will spend both Good Friday Holy Saturday in a day of quiet prayer, fasting and abstainence, until the Easter Vigil (or Easter Sunday Morning).

Her Baptist parents will likely spend Holy Saturday cooking and shopping, coloring easter eggs and eating chocolate bunnies, getting ready for Easter Sunrise services.

Then there is Christmas.

Baptists do not GO to church on Christmas, even if Christmas is on Sunday. You, of course, will be attending Mass on Christmas. She is willing to skip that time with her family and attend Christmas Mass with you or will you attend alone. Once the kids come along, are both of you aware that you will be taking the kids to Mass on Christmas?

When you two hammer those out, discuss baptizing your babies.

 

[thenewmrssears]

Also please don’t think this is uncommon. Marriages have strains no matter what at points.

I have seen couples that have a devout Catholic spouse and a Cafeteria Catholic spouse have some of the same concerns.

Faith and morals are always something that should be discussed even if you are the same faith.

Good for you for trying to work it out before hand!

 

[magic_stick]

I am in a mixed marriage and we have a great marriage. We never had any problems. We are expecting our first child and we are on the same page on how the child will be brought up. My sister is in a catholic marriage and she is getting divorced. So it can go either way.

 

[1TiredMom]

Be careful! This is as good as it gets. Once you have children, all the things you disagree on now, will take on another dimension. My husband went through RCIA (I wouldn’t marry him otherwise), and I was naïve enough to think that made him a Catholic. He is now receiving his religious instruction from his ex-drug addict sister, who goes to some feel-good church, where they hold hands and pray, and then have coffee and donuts. Everything’s all about feeling good. If it were just me, it’d be annoying as heck, but w/ my 5 kids . . . well, I wish I was in your shoes, and still had the opportunity to walk away. Prayers for you and your decision!

 

[pacoenelsaco]

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you guys. I’ve been really busy. But anyways, for starters, I just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your advice and for all of your prayers.

I just wanna touch on some of the things you guys talked about. For starters, in regards to the baby coming into this world and her wanting to raise the baby in her own faith…well…we already have a baby. He’s not mine. She got pregnant by another guy before we even got together and we didn’t know she was pregnant until we were already together. LONG story, don’t wanna discuss that here though, lol. But yeah ANYWAYS, Lil TJ isn’t “PHYSICALLY” my son. But we both consider him to be mine. Since I stuck by my fiancee’s side and have raised him as my own son. He’s a year old and I’ve already talked to my fiancee about this and she said that wants him to be raised and baptised as a Catholic.

Which brings me to my next point. My fiancee isn’t really a “Devout Baptist”. The ONLY time she really goes to church is when she comes to the Basilica of the National Shrine with me. She was baptised as a “Baptist”, but she was never really taught or raised as a “Devout Baptist”. So she doesn’t even attend Baptist masses. She comes with me to my church and we worship together. She’s even developed some Catholic forms of prayer. Like now she always crosses herself when we pray. But yet, she doesn’t want to be Catholic because she doesn’t agree with a lot of the things we don’t agree on. But at the same time, she’s not a Devout Baptist. It doesn’t really make sense to me. And I do plan on bringing this up to the priest at Precana when we go.

But either way, we’re doing good. We’ve talked about some of these things here and there and I plan to continute talking about these things as we go. I’ll let her know how important this is to me and I’ll try my best to show her that Catholic is the way to go. I won’t give up. And I pray she’ll come around. Thank guys.