I'm Lonely And No One Will Hold Me

[ssa_fellow]

I posted over a month ago last, and it turns out it was about the same thing.
Loneliness/ porn addiction. You can read that post here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=12806170&postcount=1

Pretty much every night I go to bed, I want to be held in the arms of another man. If I sleep in for any length of yime in the morning, that’s also how I feel. Its very rare the night where I don’t want that when I go to bed- some nights I pray and its better, I guess…

After I masturbate, all of my sexual desires will go away, I won’t think of men sexually… but I’ll still want someone to hold me and comfort me.

That song “Lean On Me” … I wonder if any of my friends would actually let me lean on them.

What I don’t get to touch anyone in any capacity?
Sometimes I feel like I have leprosy.

I see how straight men interact. They can be quite ‘touchy-feely’… and they never ask if its ok to do, they just do it, and everythings fine and normal… it wouldn’t be if I tried to do that. Yet… if I ask, then I always get told no. They get to have “bromances”, but I dont, and male affection is fine for them… but not for me.

Who amongst you has never had affection in your lives? How bout the saints? [If they were in a religious order, then I would like to be as well]

I feel so unloved a lot of the time. Even though I fave friends who love me a lot… I have needs that their love can’t fill. Can Jesus fill my longing for physical touch?

Take every affectionate moment out from your lives, and tell me if you would say that affection has made your life better or worse?

Surely my life is worse without affection.

What if I dont really desire sex, but I just desire love?

“Love God and love neighbor”…
I just find that Idk how to love my neighbor? How can I love? How can anyone love me?
how can they convey that love to me in a way that would make me stop feeling lonely, and crying bc I’m alone?]]

I feel like so much of my interactions are diminished bc of the lack of physical intimacy. I could do most of them through a glass wall of a prison. I mean, I could do all of them except hugs and handshakes.

**I want a healthy way to love and to be loved.

Barring that, I dont see how my 10+ year porn addiction is going anywhere. **

 

[ProdglArchitect]

You talk as if the rules changed because you have same-sex attraction. I don’t understand why. Some men are touchy-feely in that they give each other hugs or pats on the back. Both of these thing, if done as a show of brotherly affection, are fine. You could hug a man who is your friend just as I hug the men who are my friends. “Bromances” are… honestly I don’t really know what those are, I’ve never experienced one so I can’t speak to them. Affection between men is commonplace and encouragable, so long as it is undertaken properly. In reading your post, I think I understand why your male friends may be averse to engaging in this type of contact with you, and it is the same reason a woman may be averse to hugging an overly affectionate man. They do not get a sense of friendly engagement, but rather they perceive the action as an unwanted advance. I do not know you in real life, but your post to me suggests someone who’s longing for physical interaction would come in loud and clear through your body language and general demeanor.

This isn’t meant as an attack, I feel for you in your situation, but it may be that your desires are manifesting themselves in how you interact with those around you. I have more than one gay friend whom I embrace with a hug when I see them, but I have also met some individuals whom I am wary of even giving a handshake. The difference between the two groups is that those whom I readily embrace see me purely as a friend, and it is a friend’s embrace. It is comfortable because both of us understand the nature of the contact. The people whom I wouldn’t embrace are those that seem to use any occasion of contact to make a joke or comment in some way pertaining to the fact that they are gay. It is uncomfortable for me because their body language… or actual language, suggest that they are making an advance at me, and if I were to only give in they would seize the opportunity. As I said above, I don’t know you, so I don’t know which category you fall into, but it may be that your male friends aren’t comfortable showing you affection because of how you receive that affection.

You ask questions like “How can anyone love me?” That is easy, they can love you because you, like them, are a fallen human, loved infinitely by God. You seem to equate love with physical gratification, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time in our modern culture, the physical gratification is completely opposed to love. We have a society that has substituted the fleeting pleasures of sexual release for the infinite peace and joy that comes from truly loving each other. To love your neighbor and yourself is to truly desire the good for both. It is not an emotional experience, but rather a willful one. Your friends, whom I’m sure love you, should desire the best for you. Unfortunately, given where you seem to be in your journey, "the best’ may mean no physical contact because they fear it may be understood sexually.

Have you heard of the group COURAGE? They are an apostolate geared towards helping chaste men and women dealing with same-sex attraction. I’d wager that one of the parishes in your area has a group you could attend. If you want to experience true affection, love and healing, then I’d suggest locating a group near you. I know a guy who swears by the group as the place he finally started to feel loved again.

As for the pornography addiction, well, I could talk with you for hours about that particular monkey. I am also in the process of trying to overcome my addiction, and it is a long and arduous process indeed. I’ve been addicted to the stuff for around fifteen years now, and only really started to stop a couple of years ago. I’ve had varying degrees of success, but on my own I never got anywhere. The most important thing I’ve done is finding my men’s group. It is a group of men, like me, who have been struggling with porn and sex addiction for many years. For a few of them, it nearly destroyed their lives and definitely harmed their marriages. Many of them, through the group, confession and constant prayer, have found peace and serenity, free from the addiction. The leader was addicted to pornography for something like 35 years. He’s now been clean and sober from it for 19. Freedom is possible, but it is also hard to obtain. The other thing I’ve started doing over lent is reading scripture daily. It may not seem like much, but when I’m actually keeping up with the practice I seem to do significantly better in controlling my urges.

You are burdened with a heavy cross friend, it is a difficult one to bear, but the heaviest crosses produce the greatest of saints. I pray that you may find the love you so desperately seek in Christ, through the most intimate act of consuming his flesh in the Eucharist. God Bless!

 

[ProdglArchitect]

I wanted to follow up with another thought I had about your situation.

You mention that your masturbate to remove your sexual urges. Aside from the moral issues associated with this, there are a few psychological and chemical issues to go with it. While it will remove that “urge,” it comes at the cost of an increased feeling of loneliness and isolation. Your masturbation is only making your isolation worse, trust me, I’ve been there. Each time it felt good, but the need returned stronger than before. Over time, when I’m able to have some degree of self-mastery, I found that when I wasn’t giving in to the physical urge the emotional one lessened. I’m sure you’ve experienced this increased loneliness yourself, but I just wanted to relate this tidbit.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

While I can’t really address your dilemma, it is human to feel the need for companionship. I do know that if one is really very tired, sleep will come without reservation. You might try praying the Rosary or making a novena. It is how you make an effort to reduce your desires that God want you to work on that counts. No one is perfect, but keep in mind that you have free will and try overcome this the best you can. I am not an expert in giving advise on this, but I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[robertmidwest]

While I can’t really address your dilemma, it is human to feel the need for companionship. I do know that if one is really very tired, sleep will come without reservation. You might try praying the Rosary or making a novena. It is how you make an effort to reduce your desires that God want you to work on that counts. No one is perfect, but keep in mind that you have free will and try overcome this the best you can. I am not an expert in giving advise on this, but I will keep you in my prayers.

You have an awful lot of black and white thinking going on that is holding you back. You envision the worse case scenario and believe that it will happen to you. This negativity shines through and pushes people away.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. Reality isthat there are plenty of heterosexual men who are uncomfortable with affection and there are plently of men who will express appropriate affection to someone regardless of their SSA. Black and white thinking leads you to believe the compete opposite. Black and white thinking is that ALL heterosexual men have it easy, meanwhile you are given an impossible task because of the SSA. Black and white thinking is that you will never encouter people in your life that will can express appropriate affection to someone regardless of the SSA. Reality is that there are people who can express appropriate affection regardless of SSA.

I hope this makes sense.

God bless you.

 

[ssa_fellow]

You talk as if the rules changed because you have same-sex attraction. I don’t understand why. Some men are touchy-feely in that they give each other hugs or pats on the back. Both of these thing, if done as a show of brotherly affection, are fine. You could hug a man who is your friend just as I hug the men who are my friends. “Bromances” are… honestly I don’t really know what those are, I’ve never experienced one so I can’t speak to them. Affection between men is commonplace and encouragable, so long as it is undertaken properly. In reading your post, I think I understand why your male friends may be averse to engaging in this type of contact with you, and it is the same reason a woman may be averse to hugging an overly affectionate man. They do not get a sense of friendly engagement, but rather they perceive the action as an unwanted advance. I do not know you in real life, but your post to me suggests someone who’s longing for physical interaction would come in loud and clear through your body language and general demeanor.

This isn’t meant as an attack, I feel for you in your situation, but it may be that your desires are manifesting themselves in how you interact with those around you. I have more than one gay friend whom I embrace with a hug when I see them, but I have also met some individuals whom I am wary of even giving a handshake. The difference between the two groups is that those whom I readily embrace see me purely as a friend, and it is a friend’s embrace. It is comfortable because both of us understand the nature of the contact. The people whom I wouldn’t embrace are those that seem to use any occasion of contact to make a joke or comment in some way pertaining to the fact that they are gay. It is uncomfortable for me because their body language… or actual language, suggest that they are making an advance at me, and if I were to only give in they would seize the opportunity. As I said above, I don’t know you, so I don’t know which category you fall into, but it may be that your male friends aren’t comfortable showing you affection because of how you receive that affection.

You ask questions like “How can anyone love me?” That is easy, they can love you because you, like them, are a fallen human, loved infinitely by God. You seem to equate love with physical gratification, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time in our modern culture, the physical gratification is completely opposed to love. We have a society that has substituted the fleeting pleasures of sexual release for the infinite peace and joy that comes from truly loving each other. To love your neighbor and yourself is to truly desire the good for both. It is not an emotional experience, but rather a willful one. Your friends, whom I’m sure love you, should desire the best for you. Unfortunately, given where you seem to be in your journey, "the best’ may mean no physical contact because they fear it may be understood sexually.

You are burdened with a heavy cross friend, it is a difficult one to bear, but the heaviest crosses produce the greatest of saints. I pray that you may find the love you so desperately seek in Christ, through the most intimate act of consuming his flesh in the Eucharist. God Bless!

I would disagree with this wholeheartedly. I think affection between men is very rare. And it is much rarer nowadays than in the past. Mainly because men do not want to be perceived as “gay”, thus they are less affectionate in order to conform to society. And to look good in the eyes of the world. This should be seen as bad, in the eyes of the Church.

I would say that no, you do not know me… And… I really question why I come on forums at all. I feel like this whole part of your reply is based on the assumption that I am OUT, and that people know I’m gay. About 6 of my friends know that I’m gay, that’s it. The reason that I don’t receive affection well, is because anything happens, I have to worry if anyone will think I’m gay. If I respond to willingly or respond the wrong way, then people may say that I’m gay. This has actually happened to me. So, my general response to ANYTHING that is affectionate, is standoffish. I have to be cold, and shoot it down, lest someone think that I’m gay.

That’s the crux here. Most men are comfortable with their sexuality, and I am not. “No homo” … like… I could not engage in any activity after which someone might say “no homo”.

So, sorry, but you’re wrong. Right now, there’s only 1 person who I might “make advances on”. The vast majority of my friends I don’t even find attractive. Then there are some who I find attractive, but I don’t have feelings for. And then there is one person who, you may be right about… and I would treat physical contact with him as something not platonic.

SO, why can’t I have physical affection from all the other friends who it would be 100% platonic?

I’m sorry, you make me sound like some kind of a pervert or a monster in this section. Correct me if I’m wrong. But, you make it sound like if any man gave me affection, I’d basically immediately try to get into his pants. I mean… is that how heterosexuality works? Would you “try to make advances” on ANY woman who gave you affection? Would you not just view it as a friendly interaction? Because, again, for the vast majority of my friends… if I could sit next to them while watching a movie, or something like that… it would be a friendly interaction.

Why can’t my friends, knowing my situation do that for me? Knowing that I’m very lonely and have no outlet for physical affection?

 

[ssa_fellow]

I’m alone a lot of the time. I feel lonely a lot. I struggle with depression, and yet, for some reason… even though my friends know I’m dealing with depression… I find myself coming home from work and being alone for the whole night. My friends are often too busy for me. What happens when they get married and have families? They’ll be even more busy. Is the best thing for me to be alone?

I think that “willing” the best is so passive. I can live in my room alone, and dozens of people can WILL the best for me… but no one actually wants to get dinner with me, or watch a movie with me. They WILL the best, but if the best thing for me is to not be alone… then despite their willing it, IT DOES NOT HAPPEN.

Yeah, I’ve been addicted to pornography for over 10 years. But, that’s what I’m saying… its different for me. Pornography doesn’t harm my marriage, or my relationship with women. I have no significant others in my life. I have no healthy ways of expressing myself… at least you’ve given me none… so, this is probably why I turn to porn, to act it out unhealthily…

Courage is just starting up near where I live. I don’t live in a major city… so, no, Courage is not around every corner around these parts. Its like 3 or 4 hours away.

 

[ssa_fellow]

As I said above, I don’t know you, so I don’t know which category you fall into, but it may be that your male friends aren’t comfortable showing you affection because of how you receive that affection.

Have you heard of the group COURAGE? They are an apostolate geared towards helping chaste men and women dealing with same-sex attraction. I’d wager that one of the parishes in your area has a group you could attend. If you want to experience true affection, love and healing, then I’d suggest locating a group near you. I know a guy who swears by the group as the place he finally started to feel loved again.

You are burdened with a heavy cross friend, it is a difficult one to bear, but the heaviest crosses produce the greatest of saints. I pray that you may find the love you so desperately seek in Christ, through the most intimate act of consuming his flesh in the Eucharist. God Bless!

Sorry if I feel a little defensive. Idk. I made this post after a lot of things I’ve posted. Its not like its the be all end all that I must have companionship. Its just that this is a thing which I still haven’t resolved, one of many… all stemming from my sexuality.

I do look forward to your reply. But yeah… I still have hope. Or else I wouldn’t be posting on CAF, or talking to my friends, all of whom are good Catholics. Its just that… my life has been pretty bleak. I’m not fulfilled by my life, and I really don’t even know what I want. All I wanted for so long was to serve Christ and His Church. But, it seems like His Church isn’t very interested in men who suffer from my condition. Where does that leave me?

What kind of life can I aspire to?

I don’t want my life to be lonely and miserable. I pray to God all the time that He would give me opportunities to love other people. I mean… all I want to do is love, and how can I do that if I’m not involved in people’s lives?

Love God and love neighbor. I love God, but it doesn’t seem like the Church has laid out a way of life where I can love other people. Single life seems terrible… if I hate the idea of single life, how can that be my vocation?

So yeah… I think the Church will be able to answer me. But, I’m not going to live endless suffering. Priests give homilies to me all the time where they say: “God wants us to have joy here on Earth. Not endless suffering”.

Well… I’ve had endless suffering for a while now. I’m 23. I reckon if I don’t have considerably more joy by the time I’m 30… what do I do? Start living a gay lifestyle?

How can I have joy and love? Ok? That’s all I want. I’ll wait for the Church’s answer, but I won’t wait forever. I want a life to live.** What kind of life does the Church want me to live?**