I'm really confused

[blaiselfd]

I have gone through a very painful and long divorce. My wife was very unfaithful throughout our marriage, and even dealing with the many hardships she bestowed upon me, i faught to the final day to repair my borken marriage. It was very hard for me, but i know that it happend for a reason, and God has taught me so much throughout my journey. I once honestly thought that divorce would be the end of me. Three kids came out of my marriage and they all are in my full custody. My life moved on in such a positive direction after my separation and divorce. I met this woman through a catholic website and have really fallen in love with her. she has helped to build my faith to the next level, and so have i to her. There is no doubting of our intentions to getting married one day. My anullment process started before i met her, but is not finalized. I have just recently learned of the catholic religions view on dating before getting an anullment. I know God will bless me with an anullment, but until then i am worried about my relationship with the woman i am in love with right now. We want to do everything the right way, no pre-marital sex, and now i feel as though i am living in sin by being with her. What do I do?

 

[Marycruz]

Do you know how long it will take before your annulment is finalized? Maybe until then you should try to be just good friends with her, and keep the romance for when your marriage is annulled.

 

[Trishie]

It’s wonderful that you have custody of your children I ask God to help you with raising the children to faith and maturity.

I’m glad you’ve found someone wonderful. You can’t date with the intention of marrying until your annulment comes through…but…

You’d phone and even have a coffee or a visit with someone just as a friend, not as a dating companion, would you not. Could you two do that, but not intensely and very frequently like you would with someone you’re dating?

If you both honestly treat this as you would a friendship and not give in to regarding each othernot as future marriage partners, could you make that work? To maintain integrity of intention would be required. You’d be best not even to speak of future marriage in that case, but entrust all to God.

 

[TLM08]

I have gone through a very painful and long divorce. My wife was very unfaithful throughout our marriage, and even dealing with the many hardships she bestowed upon me, i faught to the final day to repair my borken marriage. It was very hard for me, but i know that it happend for a reason, and God has taught me so much throughout my journey. I once honestly thought that divorce would be the end of me. Three kids came out of my marriage and they all are in my full custody. My life moved on in such a positive direction after my separation and divorce. I met this woman through a catholic website and have really fallen in love with her. she has helped to build my faith to the next level, and so have i to her. There is no doubting of our intentions to getting married one day. My anullment process started before i met her, but is not finalized. I have just recently learned of the catholic religions view on dating before getting an anullment. I know God will bless me with an anullment, but until then i am worried about my relationship with the woman i am in love with right now. We want to do everything the right way, no pre-marital sex, and now i feel as though i am living in sin by being with her. What do I do?

You’ve been through enough my friend. Don’t let scrupulosity put your new relationship in jeopardy. Go ahead and date her, wine her, dine her, and love her… just stay out of the sack until after the wedding.

 

[1ke]

We want to do everything the right way, no pre-marital sex, and now i feel as though i am living in sin by being with her. What do I do?

Talk to your priest and get guidance from him in this situation. Especially because you have three children involved.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

You’ve been through enough my friend. Don’t let scrupulosity put your new relationship in jeopardy. Go ahead and date her, wine her, dine her, and love her… just stay out of the sack until after the wedding.

I know you wish him well (and so do I ), but he is considered a married man until his marriage is proven invalid (that it was never there).
Can. 1060 Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

also

Can. 1075 §1. It is only for the supreme authority of the Church to declare authentically when divine law prohibits or nullifies marriage.

So, until the Church declares a marriage is not valid, one cannot assume it is. Adultery does not invalidate a marriage in itself (though sometimes they find that the person had the wrong intentions from day 1 etc), so we cannot from the outside encourage someone to date etc when they could indeed be married, especially when there are children involved. I personally know people who have had annulments declined and have found themselves in difficult situations because of it.
Blaiselfd, I don’t have any advice on how to proceed with your relationship except to know that at this moment, until an annulment goes through, you cannot be sure you will be able to marry this woman,

“§2. Even if the prior marriage is invalid or dissolved for any reason, it is not on that account permitted to contract another before the nullity or dissolution of the prior marriage is established legitimately and certainly.”

…so pursuing a romantic relationship without knowing for sure you are free to marry the person does not seem like good idea for two people trying to help each other out spiritually. May God Bless you and continue to support you in your quest to do what is right!

 

[chevalier]

You’ve been through enough my friend. Don’t let scrupulosity put your new relationship in jeopardy. Go ahead and date her, wine her, dine her, and love her… just stay out of the sack until after the wedding.

Respectfully, an “annulment” is not a right and it depends not on pastoral concerns (i.e. if you deserve it, if it would be good for you etc) but on one basic fact: whether your marriage was validly contracted or not. And until that is solved by a nullity decree from the competent authority - in this case the diocesan tribunal - one is to consider himself married. This doesn’t mean pretending that you don’t have the doubts which you do, but it does mean regarding yourself as a married person for all intents and purposes other than finding out about the validity of that marriage in the Tribunal. That means no dating until free to marry. You don’t want to have been dating if it turns out your marriage has always been valid.

 

[kage_ar]

You’ve been through enough my friend. Don’t let scrupulosity put your new relationship in jeopardy. Go ahead and date her, wine her, dine her, and love her… just stay out of the sack until after the wedding.

Remember, this person is asking for Catholic advice.

As a Catholic, here is my advice. First, as 1ke said, speak with your Priest.

Second, begin to use the proper terms to talk about where you are. Words have meaning, and by using the wrong words it is easy to become confused.

You are in the process of having the validity of your marriage investigated by the tribunal. (The term “getting an annulment” is incorrect and, as you can see, has caused you, this woman and countless other people confusion.)

At the end of this investigation by the tribunal, you may recieve a declaration of nullity. This is NOT “an annulment”, again, incorrect language brings about confusion and pain.

When you remember that you are in a process to find out if your marriage was vaild, it is easier to know how to relate to friends of the opposite sex.

Prayers for you.

 

[TLM08]

I know you wish him well (and so do I ), but he is considered a married man until his marriage is proven invalid (that it was never there).
Can. 1060 Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

also

Can. 1075 §1. It is only for the supreme authority of the Church to declare authentically when divine law prohibits or nullifies marriage.

So, until the Church declares a marriage is not valid, one cannot assume it is. Adultery does not invalidate a marriage in itself (though sometimes they find that the person had the wrong intentions from day 1 etc), so we cannot from the outside encourage someone to date etc when they could indeed be married, especially when there are children involved. I personally know people who have had annulments declined and have found themselves in difficult situations because of it.
Blaiselfd, I don’t have any advice on how to proceed with your relationship except to know that at this moment, until an annulment goes through, you cannot be sure you will be able to marry this woman,

“§2. Even if the prior marriage is invalid or dissolved for any reason, it is not on that account permitted to contract another before the nullity or dissolution of the prior marriage is established legitimately and certainly.”

…so pursuing a romantic relationship without knowing for sure you are free to marry the person does not seem like good idea for two people trying to help each other out spiritually. May God Bless you and continue to support you in your quest to do what is right!

I can appreciate the above advice as well. But I still wouldn’t jepoardize the new relationship. Perhaps behaving as brother and sister is a viable option.

 

[_wifey]

How could he be jeapordizing the relationship if this woman is already aware of the situation and is looking to help build him up spiritually? If this relationship were truly meant to be, turning it down to the “friend level” until his marriage is decalared null will only help it [the relationship] to grow stronger!

Pray daily and be honest with your female friend. But I would also reccommend cutting back a bit.

God bless!