I'm so depressed.

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mumto5

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My 8 year old has been having some issues with separation anxiety going to different places and yesterday I pushed the point with him and made him go somewhere he didn’t want to go. He’s normally a bit of a handful, but not normally aggressive and he was a bit yesterday, but he really turned the bad behaviour on as a result. I’m mortified at how he behaved. The person he was with seems to have got a really bad impression of him now. Not that I can blame her, but I’m just so depressed about it. As soon as she left, he was fine again. Any feedbackwould be welcome right now, of any kind. Thanks.
 
Step one is not to worry about the “impression” he gave. This is the most embarrassing thing we as adults face, as it appears we do not have our kids as “under control” as we might wish to let on.

However, in terms of correcting the problem and behavior, it is not relevant at all and it is a distraction. Certainly your friend does not wish to be a divider between you and your son.

I’d have to hear more to give you any tangible advice. It’s very hard to ascertain the dynamics of the situation by typing but you can give it a shot. Sometimes it’s a balancing act between training them to not go away from you easily and to be able to when the time comes. We give children many mixed messages about how to behave around other authorities, and I think often therein lies part of the solution.

Please do not worry about one incident, especially if it was in character. Our youngest (of six) is that age and I find that he often becomes very confused around multiple adults because he tries to interpret them literally and carefully and ends up a bit zombified (if that’s a word) at times. He is pulling out of it nicely, though, as we are able to unravel his confusion layer by layer.

Alan
 
I would talk to your child’s school counselor or other type of counselor. See if there has been any changes of behavior at school and to seek out support and possibly family counseling for everyone (since this is a behavior that effects everyone, just not your son). It seems to me that he is dealing with some anxiety issues for an unknown reason and he does not understand how to deal with these is a healthy manner. A counselor can help him with this (and, as you know, sometimes it’s best not to hear it from mom!)

But, don’t feel too bad - I had to physically remove my 7 1/2 year old from the bowling alley this year - he went into a total tantrum. Sometimes things just happen (tiredness, attention seeking, etc.), but sometimes more intervention may be needed.

May the Lord bless you with peace and strength.
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Step one is not to worry about the “impression” he gave. This is the most embarrassing thing we as adults face, as it appears we do not have our kids as “under control” as we might wish to let on.

However, in terms of correcting the problem and behavior, it is not relevant at all and it is a distraction. Certainly your friend does not wish to be a divider between you and your son.

I’d have to hear more to give you any tangible advice. It’s very hard to ascertain the dynamics of the situation by typing but you can give it a shot. Sometimes it’s a balancing act between training them to not go away from you easily and to be able to when the time comes. We give children many mixed messages about how to behave around other authorities, and I think often therein lies part of the solution.

Please do not worry about one incident, especially if it was in character. Our youngest (of six) is that age and I find that he often becomes very confused around multiple adults because he tries to interpret them literally and carefully and ends up a bit zombified (if that’s a word) at times. He is pulling out of it nicely, though, as we are able to unravel his confusion layer by layer.

Alan
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Well, the morning started with him being his usual self. He was happy enough but unsure about going to this person’s place. I told him he was going because he needed to develop the confidence that I could leave him. He’s usually a handful (by that I mean he gets a bit hyper-excited and is very active) but not usually aggressive. As soon as he ascertained I was leaving, he started doing things like pretending he was going to run away (he’s usually all words, but I guess the person we were visiting isn’t aware of that) and being rough with the cat. Normally neither is an issue. Anyway, later this person brought him home and my son was being a bit free with his hands and aggressive, was rough with our cat (which he isn’t normally) and was fighting with the other boy all the time. Normally with conflict he doesn’t get carried away like he did, but I guess as a result, she thinks he is aggressive. We were thinking of having her do some babysitting for us but we both don’t think that’s a good idea after yesterday. It’s clear her son can be a worry, and she’s told me he has problems with anger, so maybe it’s just a case that these two boys would bring out the worst in each other.

She hasn’t told me if anything particular happened at her house, I wish she would if it did, but she expressed concern that if she were babysitting he would hurt his toddler sister and she wouldn’t know what to do about it. This is what concerns me because I don’t know why she got that impression. He would never think to hurt his sister and is very good with her. I guess I’m concerned he would give that kind of impression.

Keeping the boys apart is obviously a good option. I’ve never seen my son be anything like what he was yesterday (thank goodness).

I’m just really upset about the whole thing and the impression she has got.
 
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ProudArmyWife:
I would talk to your child’s school counselor or other type of counselor. See if there has been any changes of behavior at school and to seek out support and possibly family counseling for everyone (since this is a behavior that effects everyone, just not your son). It seems to me that he is dealing with some anxiety issues for an unknown reason and he does not understand how to deal with these is a healthy manner. A counselor can help him with this (and, as you know, sometimes it’s best not to hear it from mom!)

But, don’t feel too bad - I had to physically remove my 7 1/2 year old from the bowling alley this year - he went into a total tantrum. Sometimes things just happen (tiredness, attention seeking, etc.), but sometimes more intervention may be needed.

May the Lord bless you with peace and strength.
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He’s homeschooled but if I felt I needed to, I would take him to a counsellor. A lot of the separation anxiety seems to stem from a friend whose father ran off and I think that has shaken his own sense of security. We have reassured him on that point as much as we can.
 
My seven year old daughter occasionally still has meltdowns. I have worried for the past year how she will ever make friends and yet she does.

I don’t know just from the little that you wrote if there are deeper problems but most parents have children who occasionally act in a embarrassing matter.
 
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mumto5:
Well, the morning started with him being his usual self. He was happy enough but unsure about going to this person’s place. I told him he was going because he needed to develop the confidence that I could leave him. He’s usually a handful (by that I mean he gets a bit hyper-excited and is very active) but not usually aggressive. As soon as he ascertained I was leaving, he started doing things like pretending he was going to run away (he’s usually all words, but I guess the person we were visiting isn’t aware of that) and being rough with the cat. Normally neither is an issue. Anyway, later this person brought him home and my son was being a bit free with his hands and aggressive, was rough with our cat (which he isn’t normally) and was fighting with the other boy all the time. Normally with conflict he doesn’t get carried away like he did, but I guess as a result, she thinks he is aggressive. We were thinking of having her do some babysitting for us but we both don’t think that’s a good idea after yesterday. It’s clear her son can be a worry, and she’s told me he has problems with anger, so maybe it’s just a case that these two boys would bring out the worst in each other.

She hasn’t told me if anything particular happened at her house, I wish she would if it did, but she expressed concern that if she were babysitting he would hurt his toddler sister and she wouldn’t know what to do about it. This is what concerns me because I don’t know why she got that impression. He would never think to hurt his sister and is very good with her. I guess I’m concerned he would give that kind of impression.

Keeping the boys apart is obviously a good option. I’ve never seen my son be anything like what he was yesterday (thank goodness).

I’m just really upset about the whole thing and the impression she has got.
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Could you just call her up and ask? I know that it can be embarrasing to do so but this might help you understand the extent of your son’s actions. It could also help you deduce if your friend is overacting.

Perhaps this woman is not a good babysitting fit with your son. My eldest was somewhat hyper and not every one could handle him. This just might be the case with your friend. She might be a wonderful person, but if she is naturally nervous or her son is difficult then her home’s atmosphere might be bringing out the worst in your son. Does he misbehave at every babysitter’s home or just this particular sitter?
 
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deb1:
Could you just call her up and ask? I know that it can be embarrasing to do so but this might help you understand the extent of your son’s actions. It could also help you deduce if your friend is overacting.

Perhaps this woman is not a good babysitting fit with your son. My eldest was somewhat hyper and not every one could handle him. This just might be the case with your friend. She might be a wonderful person, but if she is naturally nervous or her son is difficult then her home’s atmosphere might be bringing out the worst in your son. Does he misbehave at every babysitter’s home or just this particular sitter?
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She has her answerphone on.

He is not usually like this at anyone else’s house. As I said, I’ve never seen anything like it! He can be hyper but not aggressive as he was yesterday.

My friend is a very stressed and fragile person and her son apparently has anger problems and seems quite aggressive (my son may have been copying, I don’t know).
 
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mumto5:
We were thinking of having her do some babysitting for us but we both don’t think that’s a good idea after yesterday. It’s clear her son can be a worry, and she’s told me he has problems with anger, so maybe it’s just a case that these two boys would bring out the worst in each other.

She hasn’t told me if anything particular happened at her house, I wish she would if it did, but she expressed concern that if she were babysitting he would hurt his toddler sister and she wouldn’t know what to do about it. This is what concerns me because I don’t know why she got that impression. He would never think to hurt his sister and is very good with her. I guess I’m concerned he would give that kind of impression.
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As long as you are doing your best, don’t be worried about the impression she got. If she rushes to a rash judgement, that is her problem.

Besides, the issue seems to me to be as much her impression of her own abilities to keep things under control as her impression of your son. It is not as if she thinks her boy is free of issues, right? I think you’d be wise to find someone who can watch your kids with calmness and confidence. Kids pick up on it if they’ve got the sitter biting their nails. Only bad things come of that. Be thankful that she’s being honest with you and just meet when the odds are the two of you “versus” the kids. (Not that you’re against them… you know what I mean, I hope.)
 
Thanks everyone. I really needed the support. I got the full story and talked to my son. Yes, he did threaten to hit the other boy but the boy had hit him first and thrown something at him (I know the other boy does throw things at times). I really shouldn’t have made him stay against his wishes which would have helped a lot. I think I just need to go with the flow a bit more.
I think I also have to stay back from the relationship a bit. I supposed it’s not good when a relationship is based on the fact that I feel sorry for her and have been in touch just to lend support emotionally and practically. We’ve had no problems since my son came home from her place so I think I’ll just follow your advice and not worry about one day.
 
Thank you to all who participated, this thread is now closed.

Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand Mary
 
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