I'm worried my faith is insincere

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FatherMerrin

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One of the greatest concerns I’ve had with my belief in Jesus Christ and the Triune God is that it stems from a fear of death, as opposed to a genuine desire to be a committed Christian. Everyone will probably have their own personal take on this, but I sometimes find the total cessation of thought and being a far more terrifying concept than even the worst torments Hell would have to offer. Oblivion frightens me in a way separate and unique from eternal damnation.

I don’t want to think that’s the ONLY motivation for seeking out Catholicism. I deeply revere the doctrines of love and hope unique to Christianity, the kind of love and hope that is often crowded out by the misanthropic nihilism that atheists appear consistently susceptible to. But I fear my faith would be easily shredded if ever really challenged in the event of a personal tragedy or otherwise. How does one go about deducting if their faith in God is authentic or not?
 
I read a book containing close to all the letters wrote by Saint Padre Pio.
And in one letter, he speaks about a (weird) vision he had.
He saw three souls. And he saw the infant Jesus embrace, cuddle with love the first one, show no special signs to the second and hit the third.
He then explains that the meaning of the vision was that the more you know Jesus, the more he will give you crosses. The first soul is apparently new to the faith and the last one is the one the closest with Jesus.
The explanation also says the soul goes trough a few steps in it’s journey to heaven and escape of damnation. Firstly the soul is scared of eternal damnation, then the soul desire the eternal joys of heaven and then the soul want to be saved for Jesus only ! You may be in the first steps of your journey.
Pray, hope and don’t worry as Saint Padre Pio used to say !
 
Pray the rosary every day, when you pray the rosary you are praying with everyone else who prays it, you just can’t see them at this moment. Ask the Lord for his mercy and to help you grow in the virtues you ask for and even the virtues you don’t (especially in faith). Ask Mary, St. Joseph, St. Michael, and all the other angels and saints for their intercession. You also have a guardian angel. Say the St. Michael prayer and go to confession often if necessary. Make your life revolve around being worthy to receive the Holy Eucharist at Mass, this should be the center of your faith anyways.

I would ask those who read this message to pray for you as well during their rosaries. Please pray for me too. May God be with you.
 
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If your fear-as-motivation is a step along the way of your spiritual journey, that’s okay.
Little kids start with fearing punishment, then eventually grow up to love good for its own sake (hopefully).

But like all relationships, you need to work on your friendship (and sonship) with God by prayer and Bible reading and living in His will.
 
FatherMerrin said:
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Catechism of the Catholic Church
1453 The contrition called “imperfect” (or “attrition”) is also a gift of God, a prompting of the Holy Spirit. It is born of the consideration of sin’s ugliness or the fear of eternal damnation and the other penalties threatening the sinner (contrition of fear). Such a stirring of conscience can initiate an interior process which, under the prompting of grace, will be brought to completion by sacramental absolution. By itself however, imperfect contrition cannot obtain the forgiveness of grave sins, but it disposes one to obtain forgiveness in the sacrament of Penance.52
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For about a year and a half I’ve struggled and struggled with terrible and quaking anxiety. Quaking in the sense that I literally had a hard time walking. All this came from what I perceived to be a command from God (but thankfully even when I presented it to my priest, he told me that there was no such need).

This anxiety has ripped my faith to great extent. It makes my conversion experience (which for years was a strong source of faith because it is miraculous to me) feel so neutered and limp. This is the farthest from Christ I have ever felt. I often indulge myself into activities that occupy my mind, usually some form of entertainment. I hardly ready my Bible(s). I can’t remember the last time I picked it up, though I believe I read the psalms (I like to open to a random page and see what secrets God has for me). I don’t read it because it tends to spike my anxiety and fear. I don’t seek out the church fathers any more because Chrysostom destroys my every sensibility and occasionally, on terribly bad days, make me wonder if I should end my life because I could never attain the joys of heaven.

Though my heart often feels shut off from God - like a soul weary from travel and fearful of what the night brings and what beasts lie behind the tall grass - a prisoner that is tortured with promises of life and joy but experiences only loneliness and uncertainty - through all of this, Jesus never stops being my God.

I am fond of repeating the context and words of St. Thomas the apostle: “My Lord and My God!” It is a moment where Jesus relieves the anxiety of man, throws every storm of uncertainty out the window, and having heard (perhaps mockingly?) “I will believe if I can see him with my own eyes, feel the holes in his hands and thrust my hand into his side.” And all Jesus has to say to that is, “I AM here. Do it.”

I have historically wished to suffer greatly for my God. I wanted to rival Paul the apostle. But now and even back then, I have told myself “it is greater to be a slave in heaven than a king of hell” (this is a reference to a not so christian song called “Servant in Heaven - King in Hell”).

If none of this inspires you into a more resolved love of God, then read Revelation 2 and 3 but only read the rewards that Jesus offers to churches. Ignore every exhortation he has for them. The point of the exercise is “What do these rewards mean to me?”

And if at the end of the road you still struggle with oblivion (not the video game), then it might be cathartic to realize that if we are all intended for oblivion that there’s nothing we can do about it anyway.
 
And if at the end of the road you still struggle with oblivion (not the video game), then it might be cathartic to realize that if we are all intended for oblivion that there’s nothing we can do about it anyway.

Your post was very insightful, right up until this last sentence. Personally speaking, I don’t find any catharsis in the idea of the “inevitability” of nothingness. Maybe it’s selfish on my part, but I have too many good memories I don’t want to lose forever, even it means keeping the bad ones.
 
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