Imagining the future marital act during engagement

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My fiancée and I are newly engaged. By the grace of God, we are remaining chaste, and with His grace we will continue to save ourselves until our wedding night. We live fairly far apart, which has been a blessing when it comes to remaining pure.

That said, we’ve both commented on how we notice ourselves thinking about being together in the marital act more intensely than we did when we were only courting. It makes sense, since we’re a major step closer, but I sometimes struggle with the delineation between simply looking forward to it versus slipping into impure thoughts.

Of course, there are times when they’re just graphic sexual thoughts, and when I entertain them, I obviously confess it and get back up. But then there are other times when it seems like more of a grey area.

For example, at night when I’m drifting off to sleep, I imagine her sleeping in her bed, and then in my bed in my arms. We’re not doing anything more than that, but it’s still something that would only be morally acceptable in marriage were one to truly act it out. She talks about similar experiences. So, is it sinful to enjoy those images when they come?

On one hand, I’m still in the “chastity belt” mentality that I’ve had for so many years as a single person, but on the other, it seems like there would be something wrong if I DIDN’T have strong thoughts of physical desire for my wife-to-be.

What did other people experience during their engagements?
 
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ChorusAngelorum said:
On one hand, I’m still in the “chastity belt” mentality that I’ve had for so many years as a single person, but on the other, it seems like there would be something wrong if I DIDN’T have strong thoughts of physical desire for my wife-to-be.
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Bingo. It would be a little concerning if you, presumably a healthy young man, didn’t have physical desire for your fiancé.
 
Yes, that desire is very, very normal, and precious even in its way, especially as it revolves around the one you truly love. You’re preparing, so to speak. You just need to continue to keep it in control, as it seems you are.
 
Thanks to both of you for your feedback. I like that analogy of preparing.

The difficulty for me lies in discerning the balance between scrupulosity and crossing the line into sin. Here’s an example. Not to get too detailed, but we’re each aware that we both like to sleep in the nude. So, I picture the beautiful sight of her getting into bed naked after we hang up the phone each night (not that I’ve actually seen her that way yet) as I do the same. I’m sure she does the same with me.

Would you say this qualifies as part of the normal and innocent transition of “preparing” for our life together? Or is it a borderline impure thought because I take joy in it? Sorry if this seems like splitting hairs, but this whole engagement thing is new territory for us!
 
Point well taken. We have done a lot of those types of things you mention - writing, texting, sending flowers and gifts to each other, spending countless long hours on the phone talking about big things and small things in our lives and in the Church and in the world.

And I do imagine us doing many things - together in church, going on an interesting adventure, praying, etc., all of which involve images of us fully clothed.

Having the grace of distance which only allows us to see each other in person a few times a month has indeed forced us to become friends first and fall in love with the soul before all else, and taught us patience for God’s will in His time. Thanks for your wisdom.
 
According to some of our “traditionalist” friends, sleeping in the nude, alone or with others, is sinful in itself :P. Not saying I agree with that… but be prepared. (Though to be fair I think it’s been years since we had the “don’t sleep nude for the sake of the angels” type posters start a thread).
 
Hmm…sleeping nude alone? Sinful? I guess I could see it being an occasion of sin at first before one is used to it, but I’ve been sleeping that way my entire adult life. Same with my fiancée, and get this…we’re both Traditional Latin Mass Catholics! Some people forget that pajamas are a relatively modern invention…
 
I agree with you…but apparently its a thing. There was a thread about it years back. Near occasion of sin was one of the reasons given…but also “for the sake of the angels”…whatever that means.
 
I know what you mean in that the thoughts about the marital act seem to get more frequent and intense once engaged because you are a big step closer. I am engaged to be married next month. And I have suffered from scrupulosity in the past too. So when I am super tired and I find it harder to quickly dismiss those thoughts frankly I give myself the benefit of the doubt that I dismissed any impure thoughts asap. Why? Because that has been my habit for almost 6 years now and one of the rules that my former spiritual director agreed with was “when in doubt, it does not count” at least in my case.

But yes, I think I understand what you mean. I think it is normal. I am sure all healthy engaged couples go through it. Me and my fiance have been chaste with each other for our entire relationship. I am greatly looking forward to being able to express my love physically with her. I tell myself many times a day when those impure thoughts come in “That is not for you to think about right now.” or “Worry about that stuff in the future” or “Lord, please help me to quickly dismiss impure thoughts for the sake of my soul and obedience to my Lord Jesus”
 
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First of all, congratulations! We don’t know our date yet, but should soon.

Thanks for your feedback. I, too, have short prayers that I pray when I find myself having thoughts that either I know are impure or could be problematic. In addition to the prayer of St. Michael, I call on our Lord with pleas like, “Precious Blood of Jesus, wash over me,” or “My Jesus, mercy,” or “St. Joseph, model of husbands and patron of purity, pray for me.” I also find that simply saying the names of Jesus and Mary can lessen the intensity and duration of temptation.
 
As for the footie pajamas - cute, but that’s quite alright. 😀 Maybe for our kids!
 
Believe it or not but you know what also helps me? I cant believe I forgot to mention it. Sometimes if I feel a quick prayer is not doing much to curtail the thoughts repeatedly trying to force me to dwell on them then I do a technique called “grounding yourself” you look all around you and pick something to focus on and say what you see and the color of it out loud. By the time you have done this a few times you are struggling to find new things to focus on so you quickly forget the impure thoughts.

A quick prayer does it most the time but this technique helps me a lot as a last resort.
 
I have a follow-up but related question for anyone with thoughtful (name removed by moderator)ut, but particularly those of you who are married and have experienced however many months of engagement you did prior. Similar to thoughts, how guarded were you with your speech when talking to each other?

Like, often in a phone or texting conversation, during the course of our typical flirtatious small talk, playful or “cute” references of a sexual nature come out. Nothing graphic, but just using humor as a means of dealing with the anticipation and sexual tension we’re not able to act on. Things like, “So honey, what do you want for Christmas?” … “What do I want? You, under the tree, so I can unwrap you.” (I just made that one up, but you get the idea.) It generates some laughter and mutual acknowledgement of the challenge of chastity, and then we’re back to discussing the topic at hand - whatever we actually might want for Christmas. The same goes for thinly veiled references to the human anatomy, sexual arousal, etc.

Again, I’m sure it’s normal for things like this to become more frequent than they were when only dating, but “normal” doesn’t always equal innocent and morally acceptable. I’m going to ask a priest in confession this week, and probably also the priest who is preparing us. I’m only putting it out there in this forum because I’d like to get some perspective from people who have also experienced my own current and soon-to-be state in life. Thoughts?
 
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