Just my two cents, but it sounds to me like you could be suffering from scrupulosity and not so much actual doubt of Gods existence… Allow me to explain. Two things stuck out to me. For one, after going through some of your previous posts, I can see you seem to have a great desire to try and believe in God, which is great. The other thing is that you mentioned you have to pray 5 rosaries/chaplets exactly to calm down for five minutes. Obsession with certain numbers can be a sign of OCD, and a lot of Catholics with OCD tend to have scruples as a result (I myself being one of them). I would suggest looking into scrupulosity and it’s symptoms and see if you match up with the description. I could be totally wrong of course… But a few years back, before I knew I had OCD, I too struggled with belief in God and literally obsessed over it. I would search and search for answers and was constantly anxious but couldn’t calm down. I wanted to believe. So if you have any questions, message me and I’ll be glad to answer questions and give insight. Doubt isn’t always bad, in fact it can lead to a greater faith once overcome. Keep fighting.
