Impure thoughts about fiancé?

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Hello all,
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This is rather embarrassing, but here goes: my fiancé and myself are getting married in Sept (8 months to go). We have not indulged in premarital sex nor do we intend to. We do cuddle and kiss, but keep hands away from certain areas and so on. We both want a marriage with God in the centre. I have to admit that when I first met him, I wasn't very attracted to him, so he had to woo me for quite a while before I 'changed' my mind about him. I always thought he was cute but didn't feel sexually attracted to him at first. I was very attracted to his personality, his faith, his kindness and the fact that he is very good with children. I think he will make a wonderful father and husband and I'm looking forward to being the best wife I can possibly be for him.
However, the past month or so, I’ve found myself thinking about the wedding night and the honeymoon. The thoughts come into my head and I find myself thinking about certain aspects of things or thinking about how he looked the day before and so on. Also the fact that we had to discuss these things as part of our premarital preparation has led me to fantasise a bit about them. I try not to think about it but sometimes, especially if I’m tired or if it’s early in the morning, I find myself dwelling on it unnecessarily. I have no intention of carrying it out with him before the wedding whatsoever.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is- is this lust or just normal sexual desire? I think I’m also unusual in that up until I met my fiancé, I didn’t really experience much sexual desire at all, up to the point where I wondered whether I might be asexual. So this is rather unusual and unexpected for me. Should I go to confession for this and try harder to extricate myself from these thoughts? Or is it God’s way of preparing me for the postmarital stage?

Any answers would be very welcome! 🙂
 
I would worry if you did not have these thoughts! Of course they’re normal - that’s human nature and you are attracted to your hubby-to-be. I think so long as these lustful thoughts don’t become thoughts of simply treating your spouse as a physical object of desire only but because you love him for many reasons, don’t think you’re doing anything wrong here.

Keeping the sexual desire throughout your marriage of course is a whole other matter so enjoy these desires - it’s aimed for your spouse to be and our sexuality is a beautiful gift from God.
 
I think it’s normal to wonder about what something will be like when you are inexperienced. You aren’t married yet, you will be married soon. It’s normal to be curious.

Try not to dwell on these thoughts especially if they cross the line into being stimulating and tempting to sin.
 
That’s just the problem- often they are rather stimulating. Again, I’m not sure if this is an expected part of the run-up to getting married and being inexperienced/curious etc, or if it’s a temptation sent to worry me. 😦

In case anyone is wondering, I am 27. He is 31.
 
It’s completely normal and healthy for you to desire sex with the person you’ve chosen to marry. Right now, prior to marriage, you gain a deep understanding of chastity of the heart, mind and soul toward your partner.
 
First of all, don’t worry, you don’t need to have thoughts about having sex with your future spouse before marriage in order to be prepared for it. Second of all, impure thoughts can come disguised with the best of intentions, and yes, it is very possible to have impure thoughts about your future spouse. What my priest has told me is that when the thought first comes up, without you trying to bring it up, you aren’t sinning if you just change your thoughts, but if you start indulging, thinking more about it on purpose, that is where the sin would come in. If these thoughts start coming, just try to think of something else, and ask the Virgin Mary to help you if you need it, She is always a wonderful source for strength in purity related issues.
 
paperclip said:
That’s just the problem- often they are rather stimulating. Again, I’m not sure if this is an expected part of the run-up to getting married and being inexperienced/curious etc, or if it’s a temptation sent to worry me. 😦

In case anyone is wondering, I am 27. He is 31.
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Sex is stimulating, however it does not mean you have to then stimulate yourself – if my euphemism makes sense. They are two different things.

I would also suggest not to fear temptation, especially sexual temptation regarding your fiance for what you’re planning on doing after you’re married. I’m not saying you should give in, but don’t fear and worry about it. Sex is normal and natural, and after your wedding vows, you’re going to have sex (at least, I think that’s a safe assumption). Don’t psyche yourself out by focusing on sex being sinful or a temptation to avoid leading up to it. You don’t want to spend the rest of of the time before your wedding worrying about if you’re sinning if you think about your wedding night, for then when the wedding night comes, you might not be able to turn that off.
 
I am very happy for you and your fiance. I think that it is awesome that you shared this issue and that you want to get guidance on this topic. Bringing issues into the light is how we stay healthy and spirtually focused. I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t want to discuss this with a priest.

My perspective is slightly jaded as I see many problems with fantasy. Fantasy is a thief of the present and it is in the present that we can find God.

Here a a prayer that might be of help.

The Gift of the Present

Lord, I cannot find you in time past or time future; only in this present moment. Teach me to use it to the full. That use may be writing or sleeping or loving or talking or playing or working - or praying. It is no use looking before and after and pining for what is not. The now is all that I have. It is a sacrament, a sign of inward grace. A friend who came close to death said that as she felt God’s love sweep irresistibly over her, all the past, its achievements and its failures, became irrelevant. It is only in this moment that I can come close to God.

Thank you my Lord.
 
kerebos said:
Sex is stimulating, however it does not mean you have to then stimulate yourself – if my euphemism makes sense. They are two different things.

I would also suggest not to fear temptation, especially sexual temptation regarding your fiance for what you’re planning on doing after you’re married. I’m not saying you should give in, but don’t fear and worry about it. Sex is normal and natural, and after your wedding vows, you’re going to have sex (at least, I think that’s a safe assumption). Don’t psyche yourself out by focusing on sex being sinful or a temptation to avoid leading up to it. You don’t want to spend the rest of of the time before your wedding worrying about if you’re sinning if you think about your wedding night, for then when the wedding night comes, you might not be able to turn that off.
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I think that’s great advice ! Can I add one more, don’t build up the actual wedding night etc in your mind, it may take a little longer to get things together.
 
Great advice so far! Thanks- I’ll try not to worry too much about it and ask Blessed Mother for help. Are there any saints out there who I could ask for help as well?
SusanneT said:
I think that’s great advice ! Can I add one more, don’t build up the actual wedding night etc in your mind, it may take a little longer to get things together.
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I’ve heard about this before- I assumed that because it will be the first time for both of us, it might be awkward on ‘the night’. But then again, that’s what the honeymoon is for. 😃
 
SusanneT said:
I think that’s great advice ! Can I add one more, don’t build up the actual wedding night etc in your mind, it may take a little longer to get things together.
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Absolutely. Don’t think that your wedding night is going to be a glorious, joyful exclamation of God’s love with Angels singing praises. It won’t. It’ll be awkward and fumbling and nervous and It’s going to hurt a bit.

And then you’ll do it again later and it’ll get better with practice.
 
kerebos said:
Sex is stimulating, however it does not mean you have to then stimulate yourself – if my euphemism makes sense. They are two different things.
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Yes, but masturbation and impure thoughts are two different things as well. Masturbation does not have to be present for a thought to be impure. Just seeking thoughts for arousal, even if you don’t act on the arousal through masturbation, can be against purity on its own.

Being aware of impure thoughts and actions and avoiding them does not mean that you think sex is bad or that you won’t be able to enjoy it once you are married. You can take care of purity in your thoughts and actions while still being excited and looking forward to your first night together. There is a big difference between having impure thoughts and simply being excited about something, and preparing for it, and looking forward to it. Sex is great and a couple’s honeymoon is a wonderful thing! (ETA: Awesome that you are both virgins, together for the first time in marriage, just how God designed it to be!)

Also, since we are talking about preparing for sex, I would read about the Church’s teachings on this, the more you both understand how awesome sex really is, God’s design in it, the better.

I would suggest you find a good priest and talk this over with him. You can just go to confession and bring it up.
 
Impure thoughts about your fiance? It’s probably a good sign!👍

Maybe pray to St. Joseph - he was a chaste spouse - to control the impulses but keep the attraction there!

Good luck, and God Bless in your future life!
 
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