In desperate need of relationship advise!

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CindySpeaksUp

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i dont even know where to begin. i guess i’ll try to keep it short and keep my thoughts as collected as possible… I’m 22 years old and have a little boy Sean (his 6th birthday was sunday :)) I have been with my boyfriend who is also a devout Catholic for a little over 4 years now. He knew from the beginning that i had a son and he seemed ok with it as his sister had been in a similar situation. the first year seemed to go by just fine, but after that, sean’s father has been the main reason for our arguments. I know you guys must think we are really young to be thinking about marriage, but being a young mom has forced me to mature greatly and since we have been with each other so long i feel we should be taking it to the next level (its getting harder to stay chaste). He says he would love to marry me but is hesitant because its hard for him to get over the fact that Sean’s father is still around and he thinks of all these extreme situations (his father is not religious and is living with married woman) what if Sean decides he would rather live with his father, or picks up his father’s bad habits and not want to listen to him) while i understand these are legitimate concerns i cant help but feel that if he loves me as much as he says he does, he should be getting help to get past these fears and come to terms with my past.

I have tried being as understanding and patient as i can and have prayed alot for our relationship. For the past 2 years we have been talking about this often and he says he will try to get over this but he still gets depressed at times thinking about this issue, which makes me feel guilty because my past sin is causing the one i love so much pain, sad because the future is uncertain for us, and at the same time it makes me feel resentful because i feel at this point he should have already made the decision whether this will work for us or not and if we should move forward. whenever i bring this up he gets very upset and says he doesnt want to loose me. last year we went to couples counseling but the counselor did not share our religious beliefs so he wasnt very helpful. l should mention for his sake, that he has just started going to a spiritual advisor but will only be meeting the priest once a month which i dont feel is enough time since the situation is so pressing.

i’m sorry for the lengthy story and if it sounds like rambling but i’m really distraught about all of this. i love him so much, just thinking of not being with him makes me very upset. but my maternal instinct makes me want to protect my Son from any further trauma (he is very attached to my boyfriend)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated:(
 
Break up with him. You are committing scandal and living in a state of occassion of sin. And when you go to Confession, tell Jesus (through the priest) what you’ve done. Jesus will understand and give you the graces you need to live a chaste life.
 
I wouldnt break up with him. I would say either we move forward together under the blessing of marriage or I will have to end this relationship for the benefit of my child.
 
i probably should have added that i was never married to Sean’s father and was baptized 2 Easters ago so that past sin has long been forgiven by our Lord. My boyfriend and I do not live together and we are trying to abstain from sex until marriage ( we have messed up sometimes but we are getting better at remaining abstinant) and i try to go to confession for any other sins i commit. i’m a bit confused about the scandal part, am I commiting a sin i’m not aware of?
 
Why is this pressing? Your focus should be on your son. I know you love this man, but bettering yourself and caring for your child are far more important right now. You are only 22. What kind of time are you running out of?

This happens a lot when one person has kids and the other does not. The one who does not still discerns whether they want to marry into multiple circumstances of unlimited difficulties. Is a life of arguments due to his father, your ex’s intrusions, and financial responsibilities worth getting into? The issues do not go away and maybe in the beginning of your relationship, it was not really considered, but it may all be bogging down on him now. You are young; I assume he is, too. How old is he?
 
I am sorry if you feel he is slipping away, but you must allow him his time to think about this, and do it freely of his own opinion. I do not have a child, but just because I don’t doesn’t always mean he will want to stay with me either. Sometimes men want confidence and acknowledgements when it comes to personal responsibilities. The mere fact that when issues arise with some people like neighbors or other parents at school is much easier to avoid these people, but the conflicts that arise from these arrangements with people you cannot remove from your life are very stressing.

If the pastor/priest believes that one-month at a time is just then that is what you or he must do. There are no instant results; these things get healthier with time. Time is exactly what you both need. Time away, time to talk, time to decipher, time to discern, time together, etc. You must be patient.
 
You have to consider risk of the relationship a possibility to lose. Do you know if the priests stance with your bf is to keep him with you or is it to get him to realize what is best for his own life?

A red flag to me is the sex, you admit to having sinned with your bf even after your child, but chastity is now a problem and he is slipping away? Is it possible to assume that he was in the relationship only for that intimacy and now is bothered that that must be treated like a responsibility he is not willing to forgo?
 
he’s 26. i feel its pressing because if i do stay in the relationship with him until he figures things out and lets say in another year it turns out it doesnt work out, then i’ve just prolonged the inevitable and within that yearh Sean has probably grown even closer to my boyfriend. i’m not saying i want to get married tomorrow, or even a year from now. i just want to know that it will happen, it just seems that we’ve been stuck in a rut for the past 2 years. i owe it to sean to be wise in my next move, what that is i’m not so sure…
 
OLHope said:
You have to consider risk of the relationship a possibility to lose. Do you know if the priests stance with your bf is to keep him with you or is it to get him to realize what is best for his own life?

A red flag to me is the sex, you admit to having sinned with your bf even after your child, but chastity is now a problem and he is slipping away? Is it possible to assume that he was in the relationship only for that intimacy and now is bothered that that must be treated like a responsibility he is not willing to forgo?
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oh no, we both came to the agreement that we should not be having sex. the first year of our relationship i was not catholic or religious, he was born Catholic but not very religious. it was after a year that he grew in his faith and i started to research Catholicism and found Truth in it. Since then we have both decided we should not be having sex, but being together for this long as i said we have messed up a couple of times. The absence of sex is not whats causing issues. we both feel strongly about trying to live chastely.
 
I understand his concern. But If your son’s father wants to be in
your sons life, he has every right to be. Because its HIS son, especially if he is willing to pay child support.

What is REALY going on here???
If a man truly loves a woman he would take a bullet for her. If this man is holding back from taking your hand in marriage, just because your sons father wants to
be involved with HIS child.
This is not true love, if it were he would be confident that Jesus will
help you through ANY trial.

You were wise to make this post.
 
I’m not Catholic, but I have to chime in here.

Tread very, very carefully here.
If your boyfriend is having doubts about being a proper father to your son,
listen to him! If he cannot overcome these feelings, then he has no place
in either of your lives.

Think of this. You marry, and in a couple/few years have a child together.
Can your (now) boyfriend treat your son just as he would the new child?
Or would the doubts and insecurities get in the way? Would the fact that
Sean isn’t his biologically affect how he is treated? You really need to think
about this, and so does he (boyfriend).

My Dh’s mom married his stepdad when he was 5. His parents have a daughter
together. Over the years, the daughter has always gotten the better end of every
deal. Currently, she’s 32, and is completely supported by her dad (Dh’s stepdad).

My FIL is remodeling a house for her, from the ground up. He’s bought her every
car she’s ever owned, and she’s wrecked a few of them, his truck included. He
pays her every bill, and gives her money to spend. This despite her being an
addict and completely self centered.

My DH (the stepson)? No car was ever bought for him. No house ever payed for
for him. FIL loves him, but it’s obvious it’s not the same. This has caused more
resentment than you can imagine, and their relationship is strained, to say the least.

So please think this through. Your boyfriend is being honest, and that’s a good thing.
Marriage to him under these circumstances, may not be.
 
Eucharisted said:
Break up with him. You are committing scandal and living in a state of occassion of sin. And when you go to Confession, tell Jesus (through the priest) what you’ve done. Jesus will understand and give you the graces you need to live a chaste life.
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No where did she say she was living with this guy or having sex so where did this come from geez.
 
CindySpeaksUp said:
i dont even know where to begin. i guess i’ll try to keep it short and keep my thoughts as collected as possible… I’m 22 years old and have a little boy Sean (his 6th birthday was sunday :)) I have been with my boyfriend who is also a devout Catholic for a little over 4 years now. He knew from the beginning that i had a son and he seemed ok with it as his sister had been in a similar situation. the first year seemed to go by just fine, but after that, sean’s father has been the main reason for our arguments. I know you guys must think we are really young to be thinking about marriage, but being a young mom has forced me to mature greatly and since we have been with each other so long i feel we should be taking it to the next level (its getting harder to stay chaste). He says he would love to marry me but is hesitant because its hard for him to get over the fact that Sean’s father is still around and he thinks of all these extreme situations (his father is not religious and is living with married woman) what if Sean decides he would rather live with his father, or picks up his father’s bad habits and not want to listen to him) while i understand these are legitimate concerns i cant help but feel that if he loves me as much as he says he does, he should be getting help to get past these fears and come to terms with my past.

I have tried being as understanding and patient as i can and have prayed alot for our relationship. For the past 2 years we have been talking about this often and he says he will try to get over this but he still gets depressed at times thinking about this issue, which makes me feel guilty because my past sin is causing the one i love so much pain, sad because the future is uncertain for us, and at the same time it makes me feel resentful because i feel at this point he should have already made the decision whether this will work for us or not and if we should move forward. whenever i bring this up he gets very upset and says he doesnt want to loose me. last year we went to couples counseling but the counselor did not share our religious beliefs so he wasnt very helpful. l should mention for his sake, that he has just started going to a spiritual advisor but will only be meeting the priest once a month which i dont feel is enough time since the situation is so pressing.

i’m sorry for the lengthy story and if it sounds like rambling but i’m really distraught about all of this. i love him so much, just thinking of not being with him makes me very upset. but my maternal instinct makes me want to protect my Son from any further trauma (he is very attached to my boyfriend)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated:(
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You will have to be the disciplinarian should you get married. His role will be to support you 100% This is the way it will have to be or else you will have trouble when he gets to a rebellious age. Being soft on the discipline will only cause problems. This will be your biggest challenge, but YOU have to be the dean of discipline… and NEVER argue or discuss disciplinary decisions in front of the boy. Discuss them in private, then render a unified decision. Kids are masters at “divide and conquer”. Stick together and you’ll be fine.

If your boyfriend cannot come to terms with the fact that you are not a virgin, he has some real soul searching to do. If he cannot handle that fact then he needs to move on. If he is waiting for a virgin, good luck! It also helps if he would look inwardly at his own failings, weaknesses and sins. Every single one of us have sinned sexually in one way or another. The past is gone. It’s dead. Do not get married until you are both entirely at peace with every aspect of each other, including the past.

Don’t beat yourself up over your past. People make mistakes. It’s part of the human condition. It’s where your heart is now that matters. Christ died on the cross to pay for our sins. It was the entire reason he came here in the first place! If he can forgive us, who are we to hold onto resentment?

God Bless You!
😉
 
Eucharisted said:
Break up with him. You are committing scandal and living in a state of occassion of sin. And when you go to Confession, tell Jesus (through the priest) what you’ve done. Jesus will understand and give you the graces you need to live a chaste life.
Click to expand...
Wow… here we have the toxic club of guilt, shame and judgement being smashed over the head of a young woman who came here for help. Confession aside, this is terrible advice. We do not live in a perfect world and we are not perfect.

Instead of breaking up because they had a weak moment or two, perhaps they could have some prayer time together instead. We really need to stop shaming people who seek help.
:cool:
 
if in 4 years this man has not come to terms with the fact that you have a son, and with the issues surrounding that fact, it is highly unlikely that anything is going to change, and that this will continue to be a source of conflict in your relationship. Leave off, however the “if he loved me he would do thus and so mentality”. That is not how marriage works, one person setting the bar on love and the other person trying to jump over it.

Get counselling to find out why not once but twice you have embarked on relationships that have no future for you, and do it before you enter into a new relationship. Age and experience even together are no guarantee of maturity, and maturity in one area of life is no guarantee in all areas of life. Work on yourself first, being the best mother you can be–as your focus has properly been the last 6 years and you are to be congratulated for that. But also being the best mature responsible adult woman you can be, and that means primacy on your relationship with God. Rectify anything that stands in the way of that relationship, and that is the sure way to prepare yourself to be a partner in a life-long human relationship.

Your last sentence is the most telling and saddest of all. It is the child who loses when the parents embark on a relationship that is destined to fail. This child will lose not one but two father figures. The reasons your bf gives for his uncertainty also displays a lack of maturity, so on the face of it the future does not look good.
 
It seems 4 years is quite enough time to determine whether or not one wants to accept the whole package of being a step-parent and having the “other” man in the picture.

What, exactly, is he waiting for? What, exactly, is going to change that will make him suddenly able to “deal” with this? Uh, nothing.

If his vision of marriage does not include dealing with the ups and downs that a step-family relationship will inevitably include, then he needs to find someone else to marry. Your vision of family obviously involves someone who will accept you and your son unconditionally and deal with whatever comes. If that is so, then perhaps you need to find someone else to marry because he doesn’t seem like the one to do that.

And, lastly, yes this will be incredibly difficult for your son, who has only known your BF as the man in your life. Hindsight is 20/20 but one of my divorced friends had a rule that she did NOT introduce her two young children to any man she was dating. There was no “doing things together” at all. She did not introduce her children to her now husband until he and she were firmly committed to marriage. She felt she needed to shield them from further trauma surrounding “breakups” if in the dating stage things didn’t work out. And, he was firmly committed to the package deal. He has been more of a father to the two boys than their real father. Their real father is a big pain in their butts all the time, but my friend’s husband is the backbone of the blended family (they have 3 additional children together) and loves them all equally, stands as a role model and is very involved with the two boys. In fact, it’s him and not their real dad who is the scout leader, etc.

If your boyfriend can’t be firmly committed to the package deal, come hell or high water, then move on.
 
thanks to everyone for the advice, i appreciate your honesty and sensitivity towards my situation. i have to admit the first response did hurt but i don’t believe it was done out of malice, maybe eucharisted misunderstood my post.

again thanks to everyone for their (name removed by moderator)ut, you’ve given me alot to think about… i will keep you all in my prayers.:gopray:
 
Why is he waiting until now to let your situation bother him? I knew when I started dating I couldn’t handle anyone with a baby’s daddy, so I just never started dating girls in that situation to begin with. Just help him move past his jealousy if you can, but let him know your son comes first and you will not move between him and his father. If he can’t take it, move on – you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea.
 
I wanted to come back to this to let you know I understand the great stress you are enduring with this, and that your focus, was indeed, your son. I do not know if there is anyone who can offer good advice about making your son understand what is going on. I think, and I do not know, but if another man who followed the same nurturing path as the last could be a way to shift his thoughts or focus. However that is not a viable option for quite some time. Isn’t there a formal time for meeting the parent’s significant other? Is it usually suggested at possible engagement or do you meet the kids before to see how well everyone gets along? I’m sorry, I do not have a lot of experience with this specific way of merging/detaching families.
 
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