In-Law Advice Needed

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angel123

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I have a concern that eats at me. I cannot just put this to the side and not say anything any longer. The problem lies with my mother-in-law. I do care about her deeply and am very hurt by what has been going on.

Here’s the background of myself, I have been married for 5 years now, we have a 4 year old and just had a new baby in Februrary. My husband is the oldest of 3 sons from his family. The middle brother just got married in February- this brother picked our due date to get married (which is another story). As the parents of the bride and groom, my in-laws were expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner…which they did…this was in excess of $700.00. Plus she bought a new dress for the wedding and bought the new bride and groom a wedding gift - this is all understandable. What is not understandable is my husband and I had a baby shower at the beginning of February, 3 weeks before due date/wedding. The mother-in-law did buy the cake (which was very sweet) for the shower however, never bought the baby a gift. She keeps saying she will buy something but doesn’t. My birthday was also in February, she never bought me a gift, not even a card. We have the baby and she still has yet to buy the baby anything. My husband’s birthday (her own son) was in March - no present - no card - nothing for him either. Now her younger son had his 21st birthday in April and she bought him a really nice gift. In the 5 years that my husband and I have been married, we have been over maybe 2 times a year (other than Thanksgiving & Christmas) to eat. Now the son that just got married in February and his new wife are over there for dinner at least 2 times a week. She did have us over approximately 3 weeks ago for dinner but she stressed to us that she may not be able to have us over because she may not have the money. Again this week she mentioned she would like to have us over “if she has the money” (we have offered to even buy the groceries - she has declined). We do not eat more than the average person.

I am extremely hurt that 1. she can afford a 700 rehearsal dinner and a gift for the bride and groom but can’t afford even a $10.00 outfit for her new grandbaby 2. She can afford to buy her youngest son a birthday present but can’t afford to buy her oldest son a birthday present (my husband) 3. Can afford to have the new bride and groom over for dinner a couple times a week but has a financial problem when it comes to inviting us over for dinner.

We have no weird time schedules; we are not picky - I will even help clean up after dinner (unlike the new wife). My daughter is well behaved.

On her behalf they are not financially set*(which makes this more frustrating that they can stretch their money for others but not for us). Another thing I can think of is that they are not much of cooks so she may be helping them out in this aspect. But if this is the case, it’s not fair because my husband and I could have used help in the beginning of our marriage as well. The new bride and groom do not go to school but my husband and I were in our senior years in college when we got married and Lord knows we struggled, especially financially - we could have used some help too.

I do know she loves me, especially her own son. I do know she does not like the new wife very much. I just don’t understand and am extremely hurt, I can’t stress how hurt I am from this because I do care about her so much. Please advise what to do. Should I say something to her or any other suggestions. It’s just not fair
 
Angel - Let me start with saying “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL” and on the postive note…at least your MIL loves you.

I think that dear MIL is picking her “financial contributions” according to who she thinks needs them the most. Maybe she honestly believes that you and your hubby do not “need” anything from her. Does that make sense?

I have struggled with my MIL for 10 years. She remembered my birthday when I was dating her son because he reminded her, but after we were married she forget my birthday for 4 years. Yet, she always bought and thought of my DH on his, which of course I expect. I know these things hurt…I will give you two more examples…

My MIL made my oldest son’s B-Day cakes for the first 3 years of his life. The first and second year’s were cute! His third B-Day…simple white sheet cake with a toy stuck on the top. She bought my son that toy, a ball, and one outfit. Two months later, she made her granddaughter’s (my niece) B-Day cake. Beautiful…full of flowers…color…you could tell she really took the time. Then as her GD’s gift…four outfits! Yes, four pair of jeans, four sweaters/shirts and a pair of PJ’s, not to mention a toy that I know cost around $30. I was CRUSHED!

You see…my husband and I are okay financially…however, my SIL and her hubby make the same amount of money but just don’t use their noggin, if you know what I mean. They “blow” money and my SIL always gives my MIL that same old sad story that they do not have any money…so therefore, my MIL thinks her GD is “neglected” and she chooses to do more for her than for my children. She also does more for my SIL than her own son.

I wouldn’t say a word about this to your dear MIL…why? Because it involves your other in-laws and since really her actions are what has hurt you…she just may bring them in on the “confrontation” and they might get upset with you. See, I have never mentioned what I just posted to my SIL. It’s just better.

Last story - I called my MIL about a month ago and invited her to come see us after church one Sunday afternoon. After discussing on the phone how the past Wednesday she had taken her GD out shopping, out to lunch, etc…she told me that she didn’t have the money for gas…that she only had $10.00 in her checking account. Just sad…

Like I said, be happy that your MIL loves you because mine does not. I will be happy to talk to you more via PM…we can compare “war stories” if you like. LOL!
 
A word of advice… please don’t waste any more of your time and energy stressing over this. Take it from someone who knows. I do not have the kinds of problems that you speak of, but I have definitely dealt with more than my fair share of unfair situations.

You say that you love your MIL and that you know that she loves you and your hubby(her son). One thing that comes to mind is that maybe she views your hubby differently than his two brothers. What I specifically mean by this is maybe she knows that you and your hubby are the type of people who will understand her not being able to afford a gift or dinner etc.

Maybe her two other children are more materialistic and she feels that that they equate “things” with how much she loves them…

You admit that she is not finacially well off. Maybe she is going into debt trying to please her two younger sons while thanking God that you and your hubby understand that she cannot afford everything. Just a different perspective.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and you don’t say anything negative about your MIL… she does not sound like an evil or spiteful person. Maybe buying the cake for your baby shower took the last of her cash and that was all she could afford?

What does your hubby think about all this? It seems that “problem children” always get more attention from parents while the “good children” tend to get a bit ignored or shoved aside. It is not fair, but it is the way things work.

Would your MIL come over for dinner at your house? Maybe she feels too embarrassed to allow you to bring goroceries for dinner at her place?

Well, I hope I have been able to offer a possible explaination for her seemingly unfair actions.

Malia
 
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angel123:
I have a concern that eats at me. I cannot just put this to the side and not say anything any longer. The problem lies with my mother-in-law. I do care about her deeply and am very hurt by what has been going on.

She doesn’t have to earn your love. You have given it freely. She is secure in that fact and therefore feels she doesn’t have to buy you. Apparently, it is not the same with her other sons.

I have gone through the same and have gotten to the point where I will not see my MIL when I don’t have to. Her oldest son is demanding and degrating. My hubby is sweet and cooperative. Guess who gets the shaft? I treated her like a mother because my mother is gone, she flew to my SIL. (who came into the family at the same time I did). She doesn’t like girls. I have girls and they have boys.

All I can advise, because she does seem caring, is be subtle, maybe with humor and point out where you have been hurt. DO NOT ask your hubby to do it. He loves her more than you do. You need to be brave and at a time when it is not the heat of the situation, bring it up.
I could easily take being the “Red Headed Stepchild” before children. The year she negelcted to bring a present for my four year old (who is named after her) at Christmas, (at my house with all the other kids there) I put my foot down.

You can beat on me, but not my children. Take the stand before your daughter gets old enough to notice. Mention that great gifts are found at the dollar store, or handmade. Invite them to your house, A LOT.

I’m praying for you!

(BTW, I had to put my foot down about Mothers Day. She wanted us to drive 2 hours at 9:00 to go to their “Club” to show off my DDs whom she never cares about at other times. I told my hubby, go be with your mother but it’s MY day too. My girls and I rent movies and eat popcorn. I love it)

Thanks for listening and know you are not alone.
 
When I first married Mother-in-law did not like the little “American” who married her precious son. I had to prove myself. Gifts were never seen, my sister-in-law shared the same birthday, gifts and love for her, year after year., and a later “Oh yeah its Kay’s birthday too” “Oh happy birthday” :whacky: I always treated her with the upmost love and respect Anyway, things do change over the years, she learned to love and repect me for me and nearly 25 later as she laid dying, it was me she wanted by her side. I was the only one with her as she passed. I pray for her soul daily and miss her in my life.
 
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kaymart:
When I first married Mother-in-law did not like the little “American” who married her precious son. I had to prove myself. Gifts were never seen, my sister-in-law shared the same birthday, gifts and love for her, year after year., and a later “Oh yeah its Kay’s birthday too” “Oh happy birthday” :whacky: I always treated her with the upmost love and respect Anyway, things do change over the years, she learned to love and repect me for me and nearly 25 later as she laid dying, it was me she wanted by her side. I was the only one with her as she passed. I pray for her soul daily and miss her in my life.
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Great example. If we only treated those people who “deserve” it with love and respect, we wouldn’t be doing it a whole lot. We are called to love eachother because they are our fellow human beings… not contingent on how they treat us first.

Now, that does not mean that we need to take abuse from someone, and by all means, stand up for yourself and your children… just do it with love, not out of spite or hatred or revenge. That will only turn your heart ugly.

Never give someone the opportunity to see you act badly. Don’t give them the ammunition they desire.

Malia
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Great example. If we only treated those people who “deserve” it with love and respect, we wouldn’t be doing it a whole lot. We are called to love eachother because they are our fellow human beings… not contingent on how they treat us first.

Now, that does not mean that we need to take abuse from someone, and by all means, stand up for yourself and your children… just do it with love, not out of spite or hatred or revenge. That will only turn your heart ugly.

Never give someone the opportunity to see you act badly. Don’t give them the ammunition they desire.

Malia
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And please remember, Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but never said to set yourself up for it!
 
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angel123:
I . The problem lies with my mother-in-law.

I do know she loves me, especially her own son. …just not fair
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If I understand you, you are upset with your mother-in-law for not giving your family the things she gives others. Yet she must be saying and doing the things that let you and your husband know she loves you both, since you are able to perceive her love for you.

Other than not giving you things, is she mean to you and your husband? How does your husband feel about all this? Do you invite your in-laws over? Do you host family gatherings? Do you think she is intentionally trying to hurt or insult your family in some?

There could be a ton of reasons she acts this way. I think the problem of your deep hurting lies with you. Good chance to practice some understanding and forgiveness. And maybe talk with her.

Good luck.
 
response to original post (quote not working) this is not a problem with your MIL it is a problem with your attitude, which apparently is shared by many in your extended family. This attitude equates monetary gifts with love and affection. Your MIL attempted to do her best to handle many events in the family occuring at the same time. The way she did it is her business, not yours. She has not given you any reason to believe she does not welcome your new arrival with joy, other than not to have given a gift of a certain value (preset in your own mind). What she does or does not do for other family members is none of your business. You should not comment on, or even be aware of the amount of money expended on other family needs or events. In any of case, you have absolutely no right to speculate or comment upon how she spends her money, or divides her time among the family. It is her life, not yours. If you set your kids up with the attitude of judging Grandma by the size of the gift she brings, instead of by the quality of her interaction and relationship with them, you are setting them up to be greedy little demons that will provide little inducement for family members to spend time with.
 
God bless you, I know it can be so stressful worrying about family issues. A couple points of advice/suggestion:
  1. When you’re faced with a situation that makes you want to compare with your mil’s other children, pray pray pray that you can not pay attention to what they’re getting, and remind remind remind yourself that you know she loves you and your dh. The more you focus on that, the less hurt you’ll be. Also because you’ll realize it is not a matter of love that is causing the discrepancy. Whether it is you wanting what you don’t “deserve” or you mil having some “issues” of her own, just remember that it is not a reflection on her love for you.
  2. About the dinner thing. In my experience, if we waited to be invited to in-laws house, we’d never go. Yet, they love to see us. They have this idea that we have these busy lives and don’t want to be bothered by them. And especially with my in-laws, they are just not comfortable putting themselves out there to be rejected. So we invite ourselves over, and invite them to our house. Do you think they want to see you but are just socially awkward about this? If they are bothered by the finances or trouble of cooking for you, what about you bringing an already cooked meal over (home-cooked or take out) to their house? Or what about stopping over in the afternoon between meal times? If they seem to enjoy your visit, you may just have to have more of a pop-over type relationship. Or just inviting them over to you? Are you close enough to say gently “We miss you. Let’s get together”
Just some thoughts. Prayers are with you to not let your heart be troubled by this.
TKC
 
…my guess…

she’s still hurting from something prior to the wedding… let me guess???

…time will heal… it maybe a while… be patient…

Peace:thumbsup:
 
I don’t think the poster feels that her MIL has dissed her for monetary reasons, as stated by one of the responders. Simply put, a gesture, an invite to dinner, a card, a visit - would all be acceptable to the poster.

I have had problems in the past with my own mother, as far as treatment being unequal among siblings. I have prayed for a solution to ease these hurt feelings for months. Thanks to the grace of God I have learned to turn the other cheek and let many ill feelings go. It is very liberating when you let yourself control your feelings - as opposed to the actions (or lack thereof ) of others. Since letting go I have really felt better about the relationship with my mom and have moved on. She still does some wacky and not so nice things, but now I really let it roll off my back. I have learned that you can’t change another’s actions towards you, but you can certainly change your reaction toward them! I am praying for you!
 
Life is not fair is it? NO. And there is so much family stuff that goes on. What does your hubby think and say? Perhaps your MIL thinks you are more competent than his younger bros. That could be–so she doesn’t help you guys as much. I would not say anything to MIL, rather ask your hubby what he thinks, then trust your intuition. She’ll probably buy your baby a present very soon.

Being the middle sib, I was always, and still am, the neglected one. Mom always said I was always the most spiritual one, and the one with the most common sense and the wisest= yet parents have not even cared or seen the struggles hubby and I have gone thru. It does hurt alot!

But you can’t change people. There will always be things that are down right un-fair. Ouch!

Good Luck! At least you really Love your MIL, and she loves you. That’s good! In over 16 years, my MIL has never given me a B-Day present, yet my parents never forget my hubbys b-day–never!!! Oh well:confused:
 
Just let it go. Your mother-in-law may be a stinky person, but stressing about it won’t help. For the love of God, don’t make your husband confront her about it. Just let it go.
 
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