In-law Dilemma.

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mumto5

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Yes, another inlaw thread!

To save long explanations, I’m just asking you to accept my word for it that my inlaws have done some horrid and cruel things. Because my husband didn’t obey MIL in some matters that are none of her business, she has had a tantrum and sulking. She has explicitly told us that she is ‘removing herself from our lives’ No, she won’t try to talk about it, sort it out, and refuses to answer letters. Frankly, things have been wonderful with her gone.

The dilemma:

MIL said she was removing herself from us but would continue to send presents at Christmas, etc. She is doing this because she likes to play games and this is part of her emotional blackmail strategy. (Once again, just take my word on that). We see this as hypocritical and it makes us angry when she does this. She is either in or out - not both as it suits her! She hasn’t spoken to us for 18 months now. We don’t want her to send gifts. We want her to either stop and really go away, or send them and take positive steps towards healing things between us.

I’m toying with the idea of simply sending them back unopened. I would find this very hard to do but I think her efforts to blackmail and control us are getting very old. We want it to stop. Whatdo you think? What would you do?

Thanks. I’ll check back in the morning (actually, may be afternoon since we’re on offertory in the morning).
 
when the gifts arive, send a polite thank-you note, and if you prefer not to have the gifts around, return them to the store for a refund or give them to St Vincent de Paul to be given to others. You are free to do anything you want with a gift, and this will remove the emotional hold she is trying to impose by gift-giving.
 
Puzzleannie has an excellent idea. This way there is none of that petty back and forth, and someone else can use and enjoy (without knowing the story behind the gift). My heart goes out to you, I had wonderful Mother-in-law she passed on in 2003 and I miss her so and never experince the evil Mother-in-law until my own daughter married. This woman is evil with a capital E. She uses emotional blackmail on her son and up until recently it worked. They are being conseled right now with our Parish Priest, She also believes her nearly 30 year old Father of 3 son has to Obey her, not that “silly little girl” he married. If your husband has “mommy issues” try conseling with him, sometimes an outsider (Priest, therapist, whatever) will help the “see the light” I will Pray for you along with my daughter.:blessyou: Kay
 
You know puzzieannie’s response wouldn’t have been my first reaction but actually I think it’s wise advise. Your MIL is thriving only the emotional rollercoaster she’s putting you through. The best way to burst a manipulator’s bubble is to get off the ride. She’s looking for a reaction so she keeps up the game.

“Oh look my spiteful son and daughter in law I spent all this time picking out and sending these gifts and what fo they do, they send them back! Don’t you see what I have to deal with poor poor me…” you MIL will claim to every friend and neighbor. Not only will she get her kick of knowing she’s got’s you both mad by sending gifts now she can have the pity and attention of those around her.

A very brief thank you without any malice would be much more productive.
Thank you for the very nice gifts.
We hoping you are enjoying this blessed Christmas Season
Love, Mary and John

Then donate them to an organization for the needy and go about your lives.

The sooner you are able to stop reacting emotionally (and it’s hard trust me I have manipulators on both sides of my family) the sooner their control is gone. Think of it this way -if the manipulator gets your angry,upset ect they’ve got what they wanted and they are winning at their twisted game. But if you simple go about your lives while they continue their childish manipulations and don’t react to it -they’re losing the game. And you’ll have more peace of mind.
 
I agree with the above good replies…you are waking up every morning and giving her the reins to your head and heart. If she wants to send gifts; fine. If she doesn’t; fine.

People often say, “she makes me so angry,” when in truth they are choosing anger as their response. You are making this the big deal it is because she is not acting the way you (and we all for that matter) wish she would. Don’t give her so much power.
 
I like the idea of donating the gifts. I do offer one strong caution, if your MIL is strongly manipulative, she might not be able to resist calling up later to find out how well her gifts are appreciated. Just be prepared for that.
 
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MParedon:
I like the idea of donating the gifts. I do offer one strong caution, if your MIL is strongly manipulative, she might not be able to resist calling up later to find out how well her gifts are appreciated. Just be prepared for that.
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Well, if the gifts are going to someone who may not otherwise have any gifts, I’m sure they are well appreciated!! 😉
Generic answer to MIL. Oh, yes, the gifts are being played with all the time (I’m sure they are!) and the children (didn’t say whose children) are enjoying them very much.
 
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Arlene:
Well, if the gifts are going to someone who may not otherwise have any gifts, I’m sure they are well appreciated!! 😉
Generic answer to MIL. Oh, yes, the gifts are being played with all the time (I’m sure they are!) and the children (didn’t say whose children) are enjoying them very much.
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Very good response!👍
 
Excellent advice all the way around to which I have nothing more to add. No chance that your MIL is Catholic and might stumble upon this very wise thread, is there? 😉
 
Hi everyone,

I have thought of donating the gifts but the thing that bugs me about that is that they keep arriving. It’s so nice the rest of the year when I don’t have to think about her at all. It just makes me grit my teeth when they are sitting them on my doorstep.

I used to send thank you notes regardless but around the middle of last year told my husband I was not sending another thank you note and if he wanted to do it, fine, otherwise she wasn’t getting one. She complains about the thank you notes anyway. I also told him it was his responsibility to make sure the kids wrote any thank you notes. Of course, he doesn’t. I make sure they always write them otherwise so they are learning that it’s what they should do.

We are talking about a woman who, when I very nearly died having my last baby and then suffered for months afterwards recovering, came over when the baby was 2 weeks old and I still couldn’t get off the sofa, and didn’t utter a word to me. Didn’t ask how I was (and didn’t call in all those two weeks to ask either) and when she went outside and my husband asked how I was, and I whispered that I was fine considering I was invisible, at my husband’s suggestion to ask how I was came inside and said, “And how are you? You must be recovered now”. And that was it. She wasn’t interested in a real answer. All I did was nod. I should have said, “Yes, I just about died two weeks ago, I’ve undergone a lot of physical trauma, I’m just dandy”. I owe her nothing. That was the last straw.

I’m still so tempted to send them back or take them and send a note saying something like: “Thank you for the gifts. XXXX charity were very glad to receive them. We feel it is hypocritical to continue sending gifts pretending you care while you refuse to talk to us or take any steps to improve our relationship. Until you are ready to take such steps, please stop sending gifts. If you feel you must do something, please make a donation to XXXX in our names.”. (And to be nice to her, I won’t even name a Catholic charity ;-).

If we move house in future, I seriously think that I may not mail her our new house number.
 
Island Oak:
Excellent advice all the way around to which I have nothing more to add. No chance that your MIL is Catholic and might stumble upon this very wise thread, is there? 😉
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Haha, no chance. The only Catholic info she reads is negative. She loves to tell me all about this book my SIL showed her. Someone wrote how growing up Catholic was so awful and the guilt was awful and it had devastated their life… but then, anything to think the worst of me.

This woman corrected the priest during one of my babies baptisms for not saying the Lord’s prayer properly!
 
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mumto5:
I’m still so tempted to send them back or take them and send a note saying something like: “Thank you for the gifts. XXXX charity were very glad to receive them. We feel it is hypocritical to continue sending gifts pretending you care while you refuse to talk to us or take any steps to improve our relationship. Until you are ready to take such steps, please stop sending gifts. If you feel you must do something, please make a donation to XXXX in our names.”. (And to be nice to her, I won’t even name a Catholic charity ;-).
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mumto5,
Please don’t do this!!! I also agree with puzzleannie. I have a very manipulative mother who has caused many problems over the years. If you wrote the note above and sent it to her, it would give her too much fuel for her manipulative fire. Remember, that all of the difficult people in our lives could be a cross that Jesus Himself gave to us. Offer up your difficulties with her, FOR her. That is the best way to ease your anger, and let it go. I know it’s hard, as I have to do this myself(not always successfully, I might add;) ). It’s really the only way to have peace. Write a simple thank you note, and call it a day.
 
OK, I seem to have acquired some needed graces at Mass 😉 I won’t send them back but it is up to my husband to send the thank yous. I’m not doing it. I’ll just grit my teeth and offer it up.

Still not sure if it would be so bad to not give her our address if we move though :rolleyes: She can contact us by phone if she ever decides to get over herself.
 
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mumto5:
Because my husband didn’t obey MIL in some matters that are none of her business, she has had a tantrum and sulking.
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Just a small point, but if your husband disregarded what his mother had to say about a matter that was “none of her business,” he wasn’t disobeying her. She had no authority, therefore the question of obedience is moot.
 
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Pentecost2005:
Just a small point, but if your husband disregarded what his mother had to say about a matter that was “none of her business,” he wasn’t disobeying her. She had no authority, therefore the question of obedience is moot.
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I agree - she just doesn’t see it that way. You get that with control freaks. Unfortunately, once hubby had counselling and saw the hold she had over his life and what she was doing to his family, she couldn’t cope with him having a mind of his own and making decisions she didn’t want him to make.

Why do you think she didn’t ask how I was when I had the baby? It served me right. She had told us not to have another one. She punished us all pregnancy long too. Only it didn’t have the desired effect because it was like water off a duck’s back to us.
 
Please separate what the Mother-In-Law does from who she is. She is a gift from God to all of creation and to Himself. Through her, God brought you a loving husband and loving children and an opportunity to carry a cross with Him. Pray for what she does that she shouldn’t do and thank her often for the gift of love which is your husband and children. Remember anger is a choice which denies you happiness. Your anger can destroy you and those you love. This may sound cruel, but is meant lovingly, don’t let anger seethe and stew inside you, deal with it! Remember this problem is about you and your reactions. Your Mother-In-Law has her own problems to deal with. Seek advice from a kind, calm Christian, perhaps your parish priest, that you can be open and honest with, whose advice you respect. May God bless and keep you all.
 
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John-the-Seeker:
Please separate what the Mother-In-Law does from who she is. She is a gift from God to all of creation and to Himself. Through her, God brought you a loving husband and loving children and an opportunity to carry a cross with Him. Pray for what she does that she shouldn’t do and thank her often for the gift of love which is your husband and children. Remember anger is a choice which denies you happiness. Your anger can destroy you and those you love. This may sound cruel, but is meant lovingly, don’t let anger seethe and stew inside you, deal with it! Remember this problem is about you and your reactions. Your Mother-In-Law has her own problems to deal with. Seek advice from a kind, calm Christian, perhaps your parish priest, that you can be open and honest with, whose advice you respect. May God bless and keep you all.
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She is not a blessing here but that’s not an issue since she is punishing us by not having had anything to do with us for the last 18 months. (She doesn’t understand the meaning of punishment ;-). I’m normally totally indifferent, have learned to be, but these gift arrivals irritate me. Love can be toxic. I will not allow myself to be treated in such a manner by someone. I will not allow every child’s birthday, Christening and other events to be ruined by her. Distance is the best option here and the fact it’s come from her is a good thing. She did the same to her father and on his death bed refused to forgive him to his face after 30 years of no contact.

I do pray for her and for the whole situation. I do agree with you about anger and so on. I’m not angry, just tense for a day or two after she sends birthday or Christmas gifts. The reason I posted here is that the answers are likely to be more reasonable and kind than other forums where I am likely to just be told to send them back and forget her.

Strangely, this situation bothers me more than my husband. If she decides she wants to take steps to improve things, we are totally open to it. And we’ve made this clear to her. We have done everything we possibly can in that regard, I have made sure of that or I would have no peace. My conscience is clear on that. Maybe I need to pray harder.
 
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John-the-Seeker:
Remember anger is a choice which denies you happiness. Your anger can destroy you and those you love. This may sound cruel, but is meant lovingly, don’t let anger seethe and stew inside you, deal with it! Remember this problem is about you and your reactions.
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I agree with both John and Puzzleannie, mumto5.

Each step you take to divorce yourself from this problem, that is about you and your reactions, will make you a bit stronger. The danger is that you will “speak to yourself” about this and hash the injustices over and over in your mind. This will hurt your health, establish a very bad habit, impede you from getting things accomplished, and just keep the circle going. The sooner you break out of the pattern, the sooner the woman’s rewards will cease. Who knows? Then perhaps she will actually change, but if not, tuf. You have your own responsibilities.

Is it possible that you have become dependant on this already? I hope not.

Also: Do think twice before having the children write “thank yous,” if the presents are then going to others. It could sort of put them in a duplicitous situation. You just write a generic all-purpose thank you, and then give everything to charity.

Anna
 
Anna Elizabeth:
I agree with both John and Puzzleannie, mumto5.

Each step you take to divorce yourself from this problem, that is about you and your reactions, will make you a bit stronger. The danger is that you will “speak to yourself” about this and hash the injustices over and over in your mind. This will hurt your health, establish a very bad habit, impede you from getting things accomplished, and just keep the circle going. The sooner you break out of the pattern, the sooner the woman’s rewards will cease. Who knows? Then perhaps she will actually change, but if not, tuf. You have your own responsibilities.

Is it possible that you have become dependant on this already? I hope not.

Also: Do think twice before having the children write “thank yous,” if the presents are then going to others. It could sort of put them in a duplicitous situation. You just write a generic all-purpose thank you, and then give everything to charity.

Anna
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No, believe me, I am well past any patterns of rehashing stuff. I rarely think of her. I only get irritated when she sends gifts. That’s not very often.

The only thing that in anyway affects me related to this is the arrival of gifts. I know I need to react neutrally to this but I’m not a hypocritical person and hypocrisy does annoy me. If she didn’t send the gifts, I’d not give her or anything to do with her another thought. So in terms of divorcing myself from the situation, the only thing needed to complete this is for her to stop sending gifts. Or for me to not care if she does it.

No thank yous from me. It’s up to my husband if he wants to deal with that. It’s a situation I’ve distanced myself from and takingm care of notes to his family would drag me back into it.
 
momto5,

I just had one more thought.

Why not write up a bunch of “thank yous,” and have them all set to go when something arrives? You could just pop one in the mail, and be done with it. 🙂 The less thought given to it the better. No need to itemize or go into detail, just a “heartfelt thanks for your kindness, and hope you are good health” type of thing.

Sounds mechanical, but it would eliminate much emotion for you.

👍

Anna.
 
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