In-Law problems

[brshooter]

I am having a real problem with my wife’s family and am looking for suggestions as to how to deal with it. Or at least I blame it on her family. I really think the problem lies within me.

Now to bore you with some background. My wife suffered from a brain hemorrhage from an undiagnosed brain tumor when she was 25 old. A few years before we were married. This left her with physical disabled on her left side (she wears a brace and walks with a cane). She also suffers from memory and thought process issues. She is very strong and had a fantastic employer. He made sure she had a job after her a recovery period and some retraining. She was able to work another 20 years at a somewhat limited capacity after that.

Because of this, I have put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure thing stay in order as I can’t count on my wife to handle too many things. Then about 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness myself. I have ulcerative colitis. I have gone through many flare ups and steroid therapy to keep this under control. At times, it becomes a bit overwhelming trying to deal with everything when I am not at my best. This has caused me some issues with depression, anxiety and insomnia.

Now my wife is from a big family. She is one of 10 children. All live within about 5 hours of us. It is not uncommon to have unannounced visitors who may stay for extended periods. Last year, her 86 year old father came and stayed with us most of the summer. Now he has been with us since mid June again this year. 4 months, but who is counting. We have a small home and it creates space issues. Primarily my space. After a stressful day, there is just nowhere to hide. I end up harboring so much resentment toward him for just being there. I get to the point where I don’t even want to be at home. It seems like just builds a huge barrier in my life that is hard to get around. It affects my relationship with my wife and also overflows into other areas of my life and work.

Now don’t get me wrong. I really do love her father and am glad that she has the opportunity to spend some time with him. He won’t be around forever. But how about just for short visits. Maybe a week at most. It is not just her father. We have had her nephew, his wife and two children show up with little warning expecting to stay for 3 days at a time while they come in for some doctor visits for they children. Now, I would never tell them no, you can’t stay here, but I wish they would at least have the courtesy to let us know that they will be coming in more than 4 hours before they arrive. I finally said something to my wife. I told her I needed her help with this as I was struggling. She needed to lay out some rules for her family. It was very difficult to tell her this as her family is important to her.

I think the only saving grace this has been my conversion to the Catholic Church. I pray to our Lord to help me with tolerance and patience. And to help me fine the charity in my heart to deal with this. That there are more important things than myself. I just have such a hard time getting past it. When I have a real tough time, I usually end up spending some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament to give me strength.

We celebrated our 20th anniversary this summer and also had our marriage convalidated. We have still not been able to spend even a weekend together to celebrate these joyous occasions together as we constantly have family around.

I am looking at perhaps some therapy to help me with this. I am going to talk to one of our Priests to see if they can recommend someone to help me with this. Am I just being self centered, or is some of it understandable. I just tear myself apart over this.
Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

[whiteyacht]

I think it’s incredibly rude for them to show up unannounced and to stay for undetermined amounts of time. Who does that?!

If you have your wife’s support on this, it will be much easier. I think the only way to get through to these folks is to be blunt with them. Tell them that you enjoy their company, but that you need your space. Why don’t they ever invite you to visit them?

For your FIL who is already there… you might ask him when he plans to start paying rent!

 

[1ke]

It’s not you.

Let me repeat: IT IS NOT YOU. In case you don’t have a lot to compare your experience with, let me assure you what they are doing is NOT normal. At all.

Your wife’s relatives are violating boundaries all over the place. They are moochers, big time. Probably have been for years.

You can set new boundaries. It will be painful and it will not be easy. But, it can be done and then the dynamics of the relationship will change and settle down.

It will ruffle feathers, but you will have peace in your own house.

It will be easier if your wife is on board with you, but you should do it regardless.

 

[brshooter]

Thanks for the replies.
In talking with my wife last night, I told her that she has an obligation to me to let her family know when enough is enough. I could say something, but it really needs to come from her.

She knows how important this is as her sister has had two marriages fail because she refused to stand up for her spouse over her family.

Now I love my wife dearly with all my heart. Leaving has never been a consideration. I am happy to help out her family when we can, but I just can’t take anymore of these long term or uninvited stays. It is adversely affecting our relationship and my health. Both physically and emotionally. I guess it was just hard for me to tell this to my wife as I was afraid of hurting her.

She said this morning that she would make arrangements for her father to go stay with another sibling and make sure that her other family members would call and ask about visits.

Thanks to all for letting me vent.

God Bless

 

[Ruthie]

My sister’s in-laws were like this. I remember one summer when I was visiting my Mom for an *invited *one month stay in a rented 2-bedroom apartment in our favorite summer location. The doorbell rang, and it was sis’s in-laws, just *assuming *we would put them up. No advance notice whatsoever, and it was a 2-day drive from their home!

Funny how none of their grown kids do this. They seem to have figured out how invasive it is! Gosh, I wonder how they learned that? The same way you did!

Perhaps you could remind you wife that God said you are to *leave *your parents and cleave to each other. You are **not **obliged to put them up in your home. That’s why we have hotels!

Practice for the next time one of them shows up, or gives you less than two week’s notice of an impending visit. (Surely, they had to arrange ahead of time for the doctor’s appointment - that’s when to call you!)

“We’re sorry, but it is not convenient for us to put you up at this time. Here’s the directions to a hotel. We’ll be glad to have dinner with you one night when you’re here.”

You are **not **obliged to tell them why it is inconvenient. “We’ve made other plans” is as far as you need to go. Even if the plans are just to have your house to yourselves. The two of you are **not **being selfish. The inconsiderate home invaders are the ones who are being selfish.

Since they have not trained themselves, it is up to you to train them.

God bless and strengthen you,

Ruthie