"In love" vs. loving

[EasternWestern]

Do you think that in a dating relationship, if you don’t feel “in love” that is a bad sign? I mean, is it possible to just love someone, but not have the fireworks, that deep gaze into each others’ eyes. Has anyone here wound up marrying someone without that “in love” feeling.

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that “in love” is something that eventually fades (ranging from “significantly diminishing” to “gone completely”), and that true love is not a feeling. But nonetheless, would you marry someone if you didn’t have the “in love” stars in your eyes feeling? At least in some point in your dating relationship?

What if you’re in a relationship and you love that person (really deeply appreciate them, care about their well-being, willing to sacrifice for them), but are not in love?

P.S.: I also know that there are some couples that manage to keep that “in love” feeling well into old age. Ah, to live that dream…

 

[RoseMary131]

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that “in love” is something that eventually fades (ranging from “significantly diminishing” to “gone completely”),

P.S.: I also know that there are some couples that manage to keep that “in love” feeling well into old age. Ah, to live that dream…

I think you do have that part wrong… “In Love” does not have to fade … and does not have to be gone completely.

How sad that you already view “in love” with that idea.

May you find the person who makes your heart happy, makes you feel “in love” and long to never loose that feeling… may you and your future spouse find every tool to keep your love shining brightly.

You may need to take a look at marriage from a view different than your family of origin if you already see “in love” as something to go away… Maybe what you see in your family has “taught” you that “in love” fades.

Your idea that “in love” fades may actually be holding you back from feeling “in love”… from letting yourself feel the “sparks fly”.

See if your parish has some couples involved with Worldwide Marriage Encounter… ask one of the couples if they can share dinner with you and tell you about their love… WWME couples are happy to share their stories of being in love… Call your diocese and ask for the Family Life Office… ask them to put you in touch with a Couple on the WWME Presenting Team. I know a team couple or even an active couple in WWME would love to share the stories of their love - their love today - with you.

Peace.

 

[SMHW]

Well, historically that kind of romantic love was often NOT the basis for marriage. And in cultures where arranged marriages are common there is not the kind of western idea that you fall madly in love and then work out the compatibility issues later.

But if you live in a western society and are involved with a westerner then you can’t ignore the western way…

The hope for all marriages is that romantic attraction grows over years. Feelings in general do wan and wax but overall love (including the *feeling *of love) should grow stronger.

Even if you are content to live as husband and wife with someone to whom you are not all that sexually attracted, you should want to honor your potential spouse’s need to feel sexually attractive to you.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Do you think that in a dating relationship, if you don’t feel “in love” that is a bad sign? I mean, is it possible to just love someone, but not have the fireworks, that deep gaze into each others’ eyes. Has anyone here wound up marrying someone without that “in love” feeling.

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that “in love” is something that eventually fades (ranging from “significantly diminishing” to “gone completely”), and that true love is not a feeling. But nonetheless, would you marry someone if you didn’t have the “in love” stars in your eyes feeling? At least in some point in your dating relationship?

What if you’re in a relationship and you love that person (really deeply appreciate them, care about their well-being, willing to sacrifice for them), but are not in love?

P.S.: I also know that there are some couples that manage to keep that “in love” feeling well into old age. Ah, to live that dream…

Everybody is different wrt to that “he makes my heart skip” feeling. Some never really have it (more often women), some develop that later in the relationship (e.g. arranged marriages of old). Not having it may be a sign one is sub-consciously gay or “neuter” (allegedly 5% of a population).

Whatever the reason it is not necessarily an indicator that this person is not for you. What is prob more important is that one knows onself and wisely manages expectations of the other person (who may be expecting more fireworks from you in your future life together).

If you are young and are unsure then that maybe a sign you need more experience of other relationships so you can better learn about yourself in this regard. Maybe the other party just doesn’t light your fuse (and you do not even know where your fuse is as it were). Maybe someone else will if you don’t commit too early.

Then again, experience may eventually teach you that you are built a little differently from what popular culture is trying to force you to feel. And that is fine too. You can still have a warm caring marriage with someone else if they are like you too. You certainly wouldn’t be alone in that regard. Romance is a peculiarly recent European “invention” and has a lot to do with cultures of excessive individuality, communal isolation and disposable income.
Good luck.

 

[Matthew8]

From what I understand alot of marriages go like this.
1)You madly fall in love
2)At some point you get frustrated with your spouse and you fall out of love.
3)You fall in love again and stay in love

My wife and I are trying to get to step 3 but its been a difficult road. Love is a choice. After time you start to lose what is really important and put other things first besides your spouse. The key is to regain “loving” and then the being in love will fall back into place. Its funny because I just finished not 10 minutes ago a book called Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertell which gives good ideas to regain falling in love again.

 

[adrift]

LOVE

To will good to someone. Also to please someone, either by sharing with that person what one possesses or by doing what someone wants. Basically there are two kinds of love. The love of concupiscence, or self-interested love, means that another is loved for one’s own sake as something useful or pleasant to the one who loves. The love of friendship means selfless love of another for that person’s own sake, for his or her good, to please him or her; it is the love of benevolence.

LOVE OF ENEMIES
Christ’s commandment of merciful love, shown especially in loving those who are not lovable. The enemies of whom Christ speaks are “those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44), “those who hate you . . . curse you” (Luke 6:28). This is the highest and truest test of selfless love, to “do good to . . . bless . . . pray for those who treat you badly” (Luke 6:28).

 

[RoseMary131]

From what I understand alot of marriages go like this.
1)You madly fall in love
2)At some point you get frustrated with your spouse and you fall out of love.
3)You fall in love again and stay in love

My wife and I are trying to get to step 3 but its been a difficult road. Love is a choice. After time you start to lose what is really important and put other things first besides your spouse. The key is to regain “loving” and then the being in love will fall back into place. Its funny because I just finished not 10 minutes ago a book called Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertell which gives good ideas to regain falling in love again.

Matthew, my husband and I invite you and your beautiful wife to attend a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. Its designed to make good marriages into great marriages. It provides couples with tools to keep the marriage full of love and life with each other. For couples who find they put other things first, it provides tools for making the spouse a priority.

wwme.org/

We found it to be a very romantic weekend. WWME has been an important part of our day every day since our weekend.

It is a very private weekend. Three Presenting Couples and a Presenting Priest give the talks and you and your wife go to the privacy of your own room to discuss the current talk. There is no group sharing - just you and your beautiful wife sharing with each other. Many couples travel to another state to attend a weekend if they can not find a weekend close to their home.

 

[Matthew8]

I will look into this Rosemary, Thank You!

 

[chevalier]

Do you think that in a dating relationship, if you don’t feel “in love” that is a bad sign?

It can simply be the absence of an undefined thrill (note how everybody ‘knows’ what ‘in love’ means but it’s very hard to define actually), but it can also mean that there is little fasctination or even little interest in the other person. Worse still, IMHO, would be a lack of particular care or esteem. Yet another explanation could just a ‘good catch’ realisation without much personal investment or conviction.

I mean, is it possible to just love someone, but not have the fireworks, that deep gaze into each others’ eyes.

The lack of fireworks can be just how some people are wired in general or how specific pairings work. Fireworks can also appear at a later stage. On the other hand, I’d be worried about that ‘deep gaze into each other’s eyes’ not being there. Makes me think about some of the things from the previous paragraph.

Has anyone here wound up marrying someone without that “in love” feeling.

For some people it works, for some it doesn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that “in love” is something that eventually fades (ranging from “significantly diminishing” to “gone completely”),

It fades away if it’s not nourished, but it can be kept up or rekindled. If gone, it can still be found again with the same person. The first to not having it disappear, IMHO, is to stop presuming that it actually must fade. Like you said later:

P.S.: I also know that there are some couples that manage to keep that “in love” feeling well into old age. Ah, to live that dream…

But let’s move on:

and that true love is not a feeling.

It is also not a calculation, either.

But nonetheless, would you marry someone if you didn’t have the “in love” stars in your eyes feeling?

There are many types of fascination or delight, and I think I’d probably be experiencing at least one of them if not some others. Besides, I’d probably be able to make some predictions early on before things developed, if some good signs were already present…

At least in some point in your dating relationship?

Now, dating someone without that spark would be more improbable in my case than ending up married.

What if you’re in a relationship and you love that person (really deeply appreciate them, care about their well-being, willing to sacrifice for them), but are not in love?

I’m having a hard time imagining that type of situation. Appreciate, care, sacrifice but no attraction perhaps? A lack of attraction, but especially an aversion, can be a problem.

 

[EasternWestern]

It can simply be the absence of an undefined thrill (note how everybody ‘knows’ what ‘in love’ means but it’s very hard to define actually), but it can also mean that there is little fasctination or even little interest in the other person. Worse still, IMHO, would be a lack of particular care or esteem. Yet another explanation could just a ‘good catch’ realisation without much personal investment or conviction.

The lack of fireworks can be just how some people are wired in general or how specific pairings work. Fireworks can also appear at a later stage. On the other hand, I’d be worried about that ‘deep gaze into each other’s eyes’ not being there. Makes me think about some of the things from the previous paragraph.

For some people it works, for some it doesn’t.

It fades away if it’s not nourished, but it can be kept up or rekindled. If gone, it can still be found again with the same person. The first to not having it disappear, IMHO, is to stop presuming that it actually must fade. Like you said later:

But let’s move on:

It is also not a calculation, either.

There are many types of fascination or delight, and I think I’d probably be experiencing at least one of them if not some others. Besides, I’d probably be able to make some predictions early on before things developed, if some good signs were already present…

Now, dating someone without that spark would be more improbable in my case than ending up married.

I’m having a hard time imagining that type of situation. Appreciate, care, sacrifice but no attraction perhaps? A lack of attraction, but especially an aversion, can be a problem.

Thanks so much for such a detailed and thoughtful response.