In need of advice (yes another whiny teen with multiple isues)

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Brain

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So I am having a very odd spiritual thing going on. I am feeling more and more that I am called to Priesthood, for the past 3 years though I have saught and acted like I was going to go into pharmeceutical research (as I have intended for a long time) whenever I think about my future, priesthood is all I see. Also, all my feeling about God and my voaction are cerebral rather than heartfealt. I KNOW that I love God, I KNOW that I am called to serve him some how, I KNOW it is likely (though I won’t presume 100%, I’m in a discernment group and we are working on it) that way is priesthood.

I want desparatly to be a priest. But I dont want to want it this bad though, because I do not want to fool myself or push myself into it. If I am not called it would be an affront to God to assume I am and arrogantly seize the sacrament.

But I’m not feeling it in my heart as much. My prayer seems so dry recently, and it worries me. Though I don’t really feel that much heart-emotion anyway, this dry emotionlessness is different than ever before. Especially troubling is that I am having a hard time with the Eucharist recently, the one thing that has always warmed my heart in an indescribable way. I belive in the sacrifice, I still desire to join into it in a mystical way, I know and belive in the subtantial chance no affecting accidents, but since and including last Sunday, at every mass I attended (I go to daily if I can), I felt and saw and belived the presence of my Lord until I recieved and then my senses scream, “Its just food!” That hurt me in a harsh way, because since I feel emotion in my mind mostly, doubt is that much more earthshaking, as it shares space with my emotions. I pray for the doubt to end, but my dryness makes prayer sometimes feel irrelevant. Dryness and temptation of doubt is a nasty combination.

Most of my emotions are very cerebrally demonstrated, but I had always hoped that the love and joy of my vocation would be in my heart and menifest. I always expected that when the moment came when I discovered or at least had a good idea what my vocation was, I would feel immense emotion and utter extasy. Its looking like it’s not gunna be that way… I love my Lord and if its his will, I want nothing more than to make him present before his people, to join through with and in him in sacrifice. I want so much to announce his forgiveness. I hunger for the opportunity to bring people to new life, and to usher people into the next life. But the more sure I get that THAT is what I must do, the dryer I get (the prayer problems have been going a little under a month). yet i persist in prayer hoping the dryness and petty doubt will end.

so in summary
1 Dryness is prayer
2 Emotion resting in mind instead of “heart”
3 Fear and “what ifs” of a vocation (especially if im fooling myself)
4 Growing difficulty of seeing through the accidents of the Eucharist

help me please!
 
Brain, have you ever spoken to a good vocations director to help you discern if you are truly called to the priesthood? When done well, the process should be a mutual decision between you, the Church and God. (I use qualifiers because recent Church scandal has shown us flaws in this process for some communities.) I know that some begin this discernment process with spiritual direction while in college, and it might benefit you if you found a good vocations director.

If you are truly called to the priesthood I’d expect that you will find yourself in spiritual battles from time to time. We all fight them, but I personally suspect that the devil hits priests the hardest at times because in any battle the officers are bigger targets.

Even if you aren’t called to the priesthood, spiritual dryness and doubts can happen to the most devote soul. It may stem from one’s personal sins or it may not. I’ve read some good threads here on spiritual dryness. And St.John of the Cross wrote a book called The Ascent of Mount Carmel that addresses some of the challenges commonly encountered when we hand our lives over to God. jesus-passion.com/ASCENT_OF_MT._CARMEL.htm
 
Yes, I am doing all i can to faithfully discern. I have spoken to the vocations director, attended discernment retreats, and even joined a discernment group at a local church (which, this supised me, is run by a priest i know pretty well that just got transfered from my hometown, and our auxillary bishop).

I was thinking last night about this before sleep and as I prayed memories of (materially not spiritually) petty sins popped into my head, so im gunna try really hard to not just excuse myself (as we all do) by saying, “well it wasn’t that bad.”
 
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Brain:
I was thinking last night about this before sleep and as I prayed memories of (materially not spiritually) petty sins popped into my head, so im gunna try really hard to not just excuse myself (as we all do) by saying, “well it wasn’t that bad.”
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How wonderful that you are discerning a call to the priesthood!

Those thoughts about your sins while praying are normal. What a blessing in disguise. Write them down so you can confess them later and resume prayer. See if that works. If sins keep popping up jot them down and return to prayer.

Have you ever heard of making an examinatinon of conscince many times throught out the day? You can also start your prayer with an examination.
 
God Bless you for listening to hear if Daddy’s quite voice is calling for you.

John of the Cross and The Little Flower are both good sources for understanding that spiritual dryness and darkness are not true indicators of an absence of God or His love. Paul talks about doing want he knows he shouldn’t while not doing what he knows he should. so you’re in pretty good company, me thinks.

i will keep your struggle in my prayers, but since my prayer life has gotten pretty lousy of late, i have much to do and seem all the more distracted whenever i move towards getting on track, i need to ask you to pray for me so that i remain true to my promise.
perhaps you also have a family member whose intercession may avail you. maybe someone who was a religious or just one who took a special interest in you or your parents or one of your siblings. they might be able to encourage the Lord to clear His throat a bit for you.

thanks for listening, t
 
I don’t remember which one of the saints said this, but it went something like this: “Faith isn’t when your sitting before the sacrament and feel the presence of the lord strongly, Faith is when your sitting before the sacrament and feel alone, yet still believe”.

I started my conversion into the catholic church a year ago. Which may limit what you think of me, but I think by being devoted to the holy trinity, our lady, and my baptismal saint, St. Augustine, I’ve been given lots of knowledge/wisdom.

I experienced a lot of things in my conversion that may relate to your situation. One of which was a total shocker. After having believed in some sort of God my whole life I went through a tough time. It had slowly grown inside my brain starting with an outburst on Christmas that I was to be a priest. Which I instantly fell in love with the idea at first. Kept it to myself. Because you see, I’m 23, and I’m still a virgin. I’ve never been in a long relationship with a girl, only had lots of “friendships”. All I’ve ever asked from God is a wife and kids. So being a priest I decided was not for me. Then the attacks started. I’d get an overwhelming feeling I HAD to be a priest. Eventually I submitted. I was willing to accept the fact that I would/could be a priest for God, and live my whole life a virgin. Never having a wife or kids. It was then I realized, I had free will. Both God and the devil were testing/toying with me. The devil wanted to scare me away by making me think God was cruel and would take the only thing I ever wanted. While God just wanted to see if I would give up the only thing I ever wanted to do his will. I felt like Isaac. This bubbled around my brain for a while til’ something new hit. Once I realized I had free will, I would have moments where I’d lose faith completely. One minute I’d be so in love with God, just waiting until I could become a priest. The next I’d be thinking I was a fool for even believing. Staring at the Eucharist and feeling foolish for bowing before a “wafer”. That wasn’t God. There was no God. I went on with that suffering for a while. I started to pray more fervently that God make me a priest. I would go before the eucharist and beg to Jesus, once I even broke out in tears. Then the devil would attack me over and over. I was broken down so emotionally and physically. I’d have trouble sleeping. I went nuts. One minute I’d be feeling the eternal bliss of Christ deep within me and all around me, even seeing him on the face of my fellow parrishoners. The next I’d be surrounded by demons mocking me and playing tricks on my mind. The only thing that would save me was praying the rosary.

Time has moved on since then. Easter, come and go.

To be a priest, you have to recognize the value of suffering. You have to be willing to suffer things you can’t even imagine. You have to trust in God in a way that you never thought possible. I don’t know what it’s like to walk all the way down that road. Because not only are you responsible for yourself, your responsible for a whole parrish of people. When you do good, not only do you get the incredible love of God, you get the love, respect, and admiration of all your loyal parrishoners. For simply doing your job.

I think no matter what your vocation, the test is the same, but don’t rush to make any decisions.

The decision I made was to wait a while, and see if I might find a wife. I’m going to college. Because I have to try. When I get lonely I just remember Jesus and Mary and feel so close to that moment when I have a family. It’ll be here soon. But if it never comes, I’ll be a priest, and have no qualms.

Don’t make your decision, let it happen. People still come up to me, especially after I’ve recieved communion, and tell me I should be a priest. They see something. I’ve realized though, all I wanted to do was share my wisdom and love with other people. Teach them about God. I get many of those opportunities presented to me in my life. Without being a priest.

So don’t let anybody pressure you(especially yourself), and take your time.
 
Brain:

Once we accept that the emotions behave much like the weather we are able to handle it better. The fun part is to maintain the course despite the mood. The key is not to panic. Remind yourself of His command: BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

Aridity in prayer is part of the whole picture. God has to take his hand off the bike once in a while to see if we’re learning to balance.

Is it Mother Teresa who had 30 years of aridity? Yet, she carried on…carried her cross…with joy to boot. That’s a saint!

May God grant you illumination of his will in your life. And if you’re called to the priesthood, may he give you the humility to accept and the joy to fulfill it.

in XT.
 
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