B
Brain
Guest
So I am having a very odd spiritual thing going on. I am feeling more and more that I am called to Priesthood, for the past 3 years though I have saught and acted like I was going to go into pharmeceutical research (as I have intended for a long time) whenever I think about my future, priesthood is all I see. Also, all my feeling about God and my voaction are cerebral rather than heartfealt. I KNOW that I love God, I KNOW that I am called to serve him some how, I KNOW it is likely (though I won’t presume 100%, I’m in a discernment group and we are working on it) that way is priesthood.
I want desparatly to be a priest. But I dont want to want it this bad though, because I do not want to fool myself or push myself into it. If I am not called it would be an affront to God to assume I am and arrogantly seize the sacrament.
But I’m not feeling it in my heart as much. My prayer seems so dry recently, and it worries me. Though I don’t really feel that much heart-emotion anyway, this dry emotionlessness is different than ever before. Especially troubling is that I am having a hard time with the Eucharist recently, the one thing that has always warmed my heart in an indescribable way. I belive in the sacrifice, I still desire to join into it in a mystical way, I know and belive in the subtantial chance no affecting accidents, but since and including last Sunday, at every mass I attended (I go to daily if I can), I felt and saw and belived the presence of my Lord until I recieved and then my senses scream, “Its just food!” That hurt me in a harsh way, because since I feel emotion in my mind mostly, doubt is that much more earthshaking, as it shares space with my emotions. I pray for the doubt to end, but my dryness makes prayer sometimes feel irrelevant. Dryness and temptation of doubt is a nasty combination.
Most of my emotions are very cerebrally demonstrated, but I had always hoped that the love and joy of my vocation would be in my heart and menifest. I always expected that when the moment came when I discovered or at least had a good idea what my vocation was, I would feel immense emotion and utter extasy. Its looking like it’s not gunna be that way… I love my Lord and if its his will, I want nothing more than to make him present before his people, to join through with and in him in sacrifice. I want so much to announce his forgiveness. I hunger for the opportunity to bring people to new life, and to usher people into the next life. But the more sure I get that THAT is what I must do, the dryer I get (the prayer problems have been going a little under a month). yet i persist in prayer hoping the dryness and petty doubt will end.
so in summary
1 Dryness is prayer
2 Emotion resting in mind instead of “heart”
3 Fear and “what ifs” of a vocation (especially if im fooling myself)
4 Growing difficulty of seeing through the accidents of the Eucharist
help me please!
I want desparatly to be a priest. But I dont want to want it this bad though, because I do not want to fool myself or push myself into it. If I am not called it would be an affront to God to assume I am and arrogantly seize the sacrament.
But I’m not feeling it in my heart as much. My prayer seems so dry recently, and it worries me. Though I don’t really feel that much heart-emotion anyway, this dry emotionlessness is different than ever before. Especially troubling is that I am having a hard time with the Eucharist recently, the one thing that has always warmed my heart in an indescribable way. I belive in the sacrifice, I still desire to join into it in a mystical way, I know and belive in the subtantial chance no affecting accidents, but since and including last Sunday, at every mass I attended (I go to daily if I can), I felt and saw and belived the presence of my Lord until I recieved and then my senses scream, “Its just food!” That hurt me in a harsh way, because since I feel emotion in my mind mostly, doubt is that much more earthshaking, as it shares space with my emotions. I pray for the doubt to end, but my dryness makes prayer sometimes feel irrelevant. Dryness and temptation of doubt is a nasty combination.
Most of my emotions are very cerebrally demonstrated, but I had always hoped that the love and joy of my vocation would be in my heart and menifest. I always expected that when the moment came when I discovered or at least had a good idea what my vocation was, I would feel immense emotion and utter extasy. Its looking like it’s not gunna be that way… I love my Lord and if its his will, I want nothing more than to make him present before his people, to join through with and in him in sacrifice. I want so much to announce his forgiveness. I hunger for the opportunity to bring people to new life, and to usher people into the next life. But the more sure I get that THAT is what I must do, the dryer I get (the prayer problems have been going a little under a month). yet i persist in prayer hoping the dryness and petty doubt will end.
so in summary
1 Dryness is prayer
2 Emotion resting in mind instead of “heart”
3 Fear and “what ifs” of a vocation (especially if im fooling myself)
4 Growing difficulty of seeing through the accidents of the Eucharist
help me please!