In need of dating advice

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WrestledwithGod

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Good evening brothers and sisters.

I am here looking for any and all thoughts and advice on dating and what to do with the situations that i find myself in with dating.

I have been dating this wonderful young woman for a while, she is passionate about her faith, actively pursuing the best that she can with her career, kind and giving of her time and talents to those around her, and absolutely stunning! I love her deeply.

Also, we live in a chaste relationship. To be clear and avoid the topic.

However, as our relationship has continued, there are some things that I have found that I have issues with, and I am not sure how to bring them up appropriately without hurting her.
  1. Although she likes to, I don’t think its best continue to call her almost every evening. And when i don’t call her, she will call me.
  2. She wants to see me more than I am capable/comfortable
So, I know, it sounds like I’m a jerk that doesn’t want to see this wonderful girl anymore, but it is not so! I do! And i want to be able to spend time with her on the phone. However, I feel that the amount of time that we spend on the phone takes away from time that I want to be spending elsewhere or with other people. I will leave my brother with whom i am spending time, because she wants to speak to me before she goes to bed (this is fair, and understandable) however, this “speak to me before she goes to bed” can be hours long.

I don’t want to be mean to her, but sometimes, I just want to spend time with my family and not feel bad about it. If i do not call her, she gets very sad, and i feel terribly guilty. But if I agree (Which I have been) I feel like it establishes this pattern which is detracting from other relationships I have and am trying to also foster.

I know that as my girlfriend I should make time for her, and I do. But I don’t know how to express to her that I feel that she is asking too much of my time as my girlfriend being that I still have my vocation to my parents and siblings at the moment.

Thoughts? Any advice on how to approach this? Am I being selfish? (Also, please be nice. I’m on here asking for help, not for a slap.)
 
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You are not being selfish. It’s reasonable not to want to spend hours on the phone with anyone, no matter how much we love them. And you do have responsibilities to others as well as work, exercise, no doubt chores as well.

If you are discerning marriage, it’s important to learn to communicate well with her. This is a good opportunity to have a long chat about use of time. You don’t say whether she is very young, and possibly emotionally needy. It may be important to discuss that you can’t fill all the emotional needs for each other; that’s a recipe for disaster. You must have other friends and interests as well.

Perhaps you could decide what level of relationship you are comfortable with, and discuss it with her – maybe getting together once or twice a week, and talking on the phone for ten minutes before bed. See what she is comfortable with and see about reaching a compromise.

It is very important that you work these things out, and if she gets sad, that is unfortunate, but it sounds a bit manipulative. You need to be able to be honest with her and she with you.
I wish you the best.
 
You need to talk to her and express to her that you really care for her and enjoy spending time with her and she’s important to you, but your family responsibilities do not permit you to spend hours on the phone every night.

Set a regular time for calls and for how long they are going to be. Agree on this with her. If she cares for you she will respect you in this, as it’s not like she doesn’t know where you are or that you’re spending time with another girl. You are spending time with your parents and siblings.

If, after you’ve set a time schedule, she insists on calling other times, I’d suggest you just don’t answer the phone. or tell her you cannot talk because you are in the middle of an activity with your family, and you’ll call her at the next scheduled time.

If she gets upset with you because you need to set some boundaries for your family time, then she is probably not the girl for you.
 
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You don’t say how long you have been dating, but she sounds a bit clingy, needing you to be available to talk or she will get sad. Honestly, that sounds a bit manipulative if it is making you feel guilty.

You must make it clear to her that you care for her, but you care for your family as well. And as you would not interrupt your time with her to be calling your family, she should not expect you to do that with them either.
 
I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to see you all the time. I mean once you get married it’ll be that way.

With that being said though you’re not comfortable with the level of intimacy she needs. So if you can’t give that to her, either budge a little and give it to her and just call her every day or tell her what you told us that you want some time alone.

Although I’m just being honest I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to talk to your significant other once a day. That’s not clingy behavior. Clingy behavior is needing you 24/7
 
Hello.

I wish I could hear your girlfriend’s side of things. I think relationships should be mutual, where both want what’s best for the other because of their love for the other.

My two cents.
 
No. You are not being selfish given the limited information we can have here. But I want to point out something. When my wife and I were engaged for a year, she was in college in another state. I have over 365 emails between me and her at least one a day. Even on the days she came back to our town. And we constantly talked on the phone. BUT. It was a mutual desire. 7 years ago on our tenth anniversary, I printed them all out and gave her a book of them. Also, she remembers the time she knew I liked her a lot. We had been talking, my phone died (this is like beginning of cell phones time, like Nokia time) I drove to the store at ten o’clock at night and bought a wall phone, just to call her back.
The point is, that was part of our courtship. Now, she wouldn’t have freaked out if I didn’t call or email one day. Nor would I freak out if she didn’t answer or respond. Life should be lived! But if a day went by where I didn’t talk to her or she didn’t read my email, I did “miss her” I suppose marriage is a continuation of that. I see her every day. I text her and ask how her day is going before her lunch etc. But the difference is I don’t feel like she would be upset if I didnt!
 
She sounds very emotionally needy. There could definitely be more here you need to be wary of. A person who demands too much of your time, who lives so completely through another, lacks healthy boundaries and appropriate social interactions apart from you.

You can bring it up with her, but be prepared that this may be a deal breaker showing itself to you.

You will need to be firm with your own boundaries. Tell her you have plans and will talk to her tomorrow. You do not need to explain yourself, ask permission for time with friends, etc. A simple, “I’ll call you Friday” is sufficient.

If she calls, texts, or tries to disrupt your time, don’t answer and don’t reply. If she gets “sad” or angry or emotional or ramps up her attempts to contact you or get your attention— well you have your answer about her ability and willingness to respect your boundaries and about her neediness.
 
Le_Crouton said:
I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to see you all the time. I mean once you get married it’ll be that way.

Although I’m just being honest I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to talk to your significant other once a day. That’s not clingy behavior. Clingy behavior is needing you 24/7
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Well, I am married and I don’t spend all of my days with my husband. He works, I sometimes work, I have projects. Yes, we are physically together at some time in the day, but honestly, there are times where you just exist in the same space. And that should be okay too. It is not realistic to think you will get married and be together 24 hours a day.

Clingy can be less than needing someone 24/7. If she is getting so sad that she is telling the OP about it because he can’t talk to her more, that’s a problem for her. They are dating. She is living too much for him at this point if she can’t get by without being so sad she needs to make him feel guilty about it. That is not right.
 
I don’t think wanting to talk to your significant other on the phone every day is too much to ask for
 
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And no one said it is too much.
Read the OP again. He is saying she wants too too much time. He isn’t opposed to talking on the phone or spending time with her, he just can’t give her as much as she wants.
 
Right. I just think wanting to talk every day is a reasonable request.
 
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