Inappropriate behavior or?

[Mary_ann_R]

I have a friend who is facing a bit of a dilemma with one of her step-daughters and is at her wits end.

My friends SD has a bad habit of sitting on men’s laps. I saw her do this to a married man. Now, mind you, she is almost 30 years old and is very flirtatious. She is immature for her age and she does have a mental illness (bi-polar) and is on medication; however, I don’t think she is being properly medicated…whole other issue, which plays a part in this, I believe. The biggest problem was when she was invited to a birthday party they had for her friends husband. They had a beautiful party at this elegant restaurant with all of their friends and her SD gets up in front of everyone and sits on the husband’s lap (Birthday boy). My friend said that his wife was embarrassed and felt so humiliated that she just sat there in total disbelief. Needless to say, she caused some serious problems for that couple. My friend said that the husband didn’t do anything to stop her (maybe he was embarrassed, too).

My friend said that she went to the store the other day and as she was coming around the corner to her home, she saw her husband sitting outside on the front porch with her SD sitting on his lap. She said that as soon as her SD saw her she jumped up off his lap and sat in a chair. She confronted her husband and asked him if he realizes that she is giving cause for scandal and that he needs to have a talk with her and discourage this behavior. He said that he believes that she just doesn’t stop and think, but agreed to discourage her from doing this.

How would you handle this situation if it were you?

 

[lizaanne]

How would I handle it? I would tell her that it is totally inappropriate behavior, and to stop doing it.

Pretty simple. She’s an adult - if she doesn’t get it then she has even bigger issues.

If I were the wife I would walk up to her and tell her to never EVER sit on my husband’s lap again. And make it EXTREMELY clear that I meant business.

~Liza

 

[SwizzleStick]

How would I handle it? I would tell her that it is totally inappropriate behavior, and to stop doing it. …

Good advice, this. I’d go with this approach and can’t imagine why this was not done.

 

[dianaballein]

They both should make it clear that it’s not acceptable…for them or any other man. Whether she is 30 or 13…it’s not ok. Her husband probably views his daughter as “his baby” no matter what the age but by allowing the behavior, he is in a sense condoning that it’s ok, period.

 

[lizaanne]

Wait a minute - this is the daughter sitting on the lap of her own father? If that’s the case then, while I still feel it is not appropriate in public, in the privacy of one’s home, I don’t see a problem with this. My step sister and I will still curl up with my daddy in his big chair at times, and I’m 43 (maybe once or twice in an entire year). Now don’t get me wrong, I would never EVER even consider doing this with any other man. Or even my own father in public because of the possibility of scandal, and it just would not be appropriate. But inside the home with only family present, and as a once in awhile thing, I don’t think it is that horrible.

Now - if this is something that goes on all the time, then there may be something a bit out of sorts going on there.

~Liza

 

[nannygirl]

Wait a minute - this is the daughter sitting on the lap of her own father? If that’s the case then, while I still feel it is not appropriate in public, in the privacy of one’s home, I don’t see a problem with this. My step sister and I will still curl up with my daddy in his big chair at times, and I’m 43 (maybe once or twice in an entire year). Now don’t get me wrong, I would never EVER even consider doing this with any other man. Or even my own father in public because of the possibility of scandal, and it just would not be appropriate. But inside the home with only family present, and as a once in awhile thing, I don’t think it is that horrible.

Now - if this is something that goes on all the time, then there may be something a bit out of sorts going on there.

~Liza

My sisters and I wouldn’t feel weird curling up in our dad’s lap (I’m the oldest and I’m 56), but we wouldn’t do it in public either. I wouldn’t dream of ever sitting in some other man’s lap. But if some gal tried to sit in my husband’s lap (which he would never allow) she’d probably get a black eye from me!

I had a very bohemian sister-in-law whose 3 little girls (under the age of 7) always ran around the house buck naked (we didn’t know this at the time). We were invited over for dinner and as soon as we got there, out pops the naked ones. Each of them tried to sit on my husband’s lap and he had to keep pushing them away. He finally told them to go put some clothes on and they left him alone. It was weird. What are people thinking ?

What the OP describes is totally inappropriate behavior and the girl should be told that privately and firmly.

 

[dianaballein]

I don’t know…I may be old-fashioned but I just think once a girl starts going through puberty, that should stop. I would never sit on my father’s lap.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I don’t know…I may be old-fashioned but I just think once a girl starts going through puberty, that should stop. I would never sit on my father’s lap.

I guess I am old-fashioned too, since I agree with you. Once a girl reaches puberty, I think that is a good time to no longer sit in her dad’s lap. I know I would never sit on my father’s lap now nor since I was 11 years old.

 

[nannygirl]

I think you guys are getting the wrong idea here.

My dad is a tall big guy and he is 80 years old. I come from a very physically affectionate Ukranian, Serbian family. We are huggers and we kiss on the lips and cheeks . When I go to visit and he is sitting in his big recliner, it’s a natural thing to get in his lap and tell him I love him and give him a big kiss and hug so he doesn’t have to get up. I don’t stay in his lap, for goodness sake. It’s all very innocent. I have done this my whole life and think nothing of it. If my mom weren’t so frail, I would get in her lap, too!

 

[dianaballein]

That is your heritage, your culture, how you were raised. Different countries and ethnicities do things differently. I am born and raised here, from an uptight boring white middle class family that rarely showed affection…so if I were to do that, my family would almost view that as flirting with my own father. I think this stemmed from sexual abuse issues from past generations…and boundaries were set out of fear.

I was not raised that way, so the idea of it seems unnatural and not right. I am in no way judging families who have made this show of affection part of normalcy for them. Please don’t misunderstand me.

The OP’s situation was extreme, and not good.

 

[nannygirl]

That is your heritage, your culture, how you were raised. Different countries and ethnicities do things differently. I am born and raised here, from an uptight boring white middle class family that rarely showed affection…so if I were to do that, my family would almost view that as flirting with my own father. I think this stemmed from sexual abuse issues from past generations…and boundaries were set out of fear.

I was not raised that way, so the idea of it seems unnatural and not right. I am in no way judging families who have made this show of affection part of normalcy for them. Please don’t misunderstand me.

The OP’s situation was extreme, and not good.

I agree, the OP’s friend’s situation sounds weird to me, too. Like I said, I’d give a black eye to any woman who tried to sit in my husband’s lap.

There are big differences in the way cultures do things. I’ve never had any bad experiences like sexual abuse nor has anyone in our family, so it just seems normal to me. I’ve never known my dad to be inappropriate with us in any way ever.

I can see how someone with your family’s background would find it strange, though.

 

[Mary_ann_R]

Thank you for all the responses. I showed my friend and she said that she could understand the different ethnicities, cultures and such. Her problem is that her SD doesn’t have a healthy sense of boundaries, which extends to far to many areas to get into. She has caused many problems and this was just the icing on the cake so to speak. She said that she’s surprised that her SD hasn’t gotten a black eye by now! My friend said thank you and God bless you for your kindness.

 

[surfinpure]

I would tell your friend to keep in mind that even mentally disabled children (nevermind 30-year-olds) need to be taught appropriate behavior – for their own sakes as much as for everyone else’s. While family will excuse certain behaviors, the rest of the world will not. She is going to get into serious trouble if she keeps doing this. I, too, am surprised that the wife at the dinner party didn’t loudly object.

 

[puzzleannie]

were I to see this situation in my own extended family I would be a lot more concerned about inappropriate behavior of the husband, who should know better than that of the mentally unstable daughter.

 

[Mary_ann_R]

I would tell your friend to keep in mind that even mentally disabled children (nevermind 30-year-olds) need to be taught appropriate behavior – for their own sakes as much as for everyone else’s. While family will excuse certain behaviors, the rest of the world will not. She is going to get into serious trouble if she keeps doing this. I, too, am surprised that the wife at the dinner party didn’t loudly object.

Pat’s concern is that her SD just doesn’t have any respect for other women. She has a really bad attitude and is very arrogant. Another problem is that with the bi-polar, and not being medicated properly, she acts out in inappropriate ways. She refuses to tell anyone what medication she’s taking. Pat knows for certain that she is taking an antidepressant bc she saw it, but that’s all she’s taking. She doesn’t want to be accountable to anyone. She has this nobody is going to tell me what to do attitude.

Pat and her husband have had quite a few battles bc of her behavior. She is manipulative. Pat has tried to talk with her, but she doesn’t have any respect for Pat, therefore, she won’t listen to her. Her husband excused her behavior (sitting on his lap) by saying, oh, that’s just the way she is - she doesn’t mean any harm. He sees her as being innocent bc she’s been doing this for so long that he doesn’t think anything of it. I think that her father should set boundaries with her and be consistent. He told Pat that he would discourage her from doing this, now weather he does or not is another matter. I think that she is going to give them a horrible time about this. I have seen her in action and she can be quite vindictive. I just hope that Pat’s husband stands his ground.

 

[surfinpure]

Pat’s concern is that her SD just doesn’t have any respect for other women. She has a really bad attitude and is very arrogant. Another problem is that with the bi-polar, and not being medicated properly, she acts out in inappropriate ways. She refuses to tell anyone what medication she’s taking. Pat knows for certain that she is taking an antidepressant bc she saw it, but that’s all she’s taking. She doesn’t want to be accountable to anyone. She has this nobody is going to tell me what to do attitude.

Pat and her husband have had quite a few battles bc of her behavior. She is manipulative. Pat has tried to talk with her, but she doesn’t have any respect for Pat, therefore, she won’t listen to her. Her husband excused her behavior (sitting on his lap) by saying, oh, that’s just the way she is - she doesn’t mean any harm. He sees her as being innocent bc she’s been doing this for so long that he doesn’t think anything of it. I think that her father should set boundaries with her and be consistent. He told Pat that he would discourage her from doing this, now weather he does or not is another matter. I think that she is going to give them a horrible time about this. I have seen her in action and she can be quite vindictive. I just hope that Pat’s husband stands his ground.

So it sounds like there may be nothing at all Pat can do, aside from communicate with her husband and try to reach an understanding and position of strength between the two of them. I understand that the very nature of biolar disorder makes it unlikely that the patient will be consistent with medication. Since she is an adult, they cannot hold her accountable about it. If she is living in their house, however, they can and should set some boundaries about acceptable behavior in the home. As for what she does to other women and their husbands, if she knows she’s doing it and doesn’t want to stop, what is there to be done?

 

[Mary_ann_R]

So it sounds like there may be nothing at all Pat can do, aside from communicate with her husband and try to reach an understanding and position of strength between the two of them. I understand that the very nature of biolar disorder makes it unlikely that the patient will be consistent with medication. Since she is an adult, they cannot hold her accountable about it. If she is living in their house, however, they can and should set some boundaries about acceptable behavior in the home. As for what she does to other women and their husbands, if she knows she’s doing it and doesn’t want to stop, what is there to be done?

She was living with them for a few years, but it became unbearable for them. She caused too many problems. She is living on her own now, which is better for everyone concerned. She has asked them a few times if she can come back home, but they told her that she is an adult and should be living on her own. You are right though, she is an adult and not much can be done about holding her accountable with the medication. As for her behavior in regards to others, your guess is as good as mine. I just hope she doesn’t get popped in the nose.