Infatuation with a girl I met 3 years ago

[g2n2n]

Hi. I’m 17 years old, in my first semester of college, and life is going pretty well these days. However, I’ve had an interesting problem I’d like some advice on.

When I was 14, we visited a family friend’s home (we rarely visit people other than relatives, as I have 5 siblings younger than me, and life is pretty hectic when homeschooling). Our friend had several children, but the oldest two boys I had planned to talk to were away for the night (as was the oldest sister), so I spent the evening talking with their next oldest, a girl also 14 and 2 months younger than me. For the entire 2-3 hour visit we talked, and it was, to be honest, the first time (and so far, only time) I felt a “flutter” in my heart. It stuck with me afterwards for a while. I remember our younger siblings (from both families) all around us making an absolute racket so that we could barely hear each other to the point I tried typing what I wanted to say on her brother’s laptop because of the noise. Good times.

After that, flawed person I am, I would keep an eye out and see her (briefly) each Sunday mass (typically looking back at the choir, or at the entrance procession). I never thought of it outside of Sunday though - rest of the week, she never occurred to me, ever. I didn’t have lustful thoughts (thank God), but I did enjoy that “flutter”. This proceeded for several months until about Easter the next year.

Around that Easter, 2016, I saw them at the Easter Vigil and… they were normal, but my heart skipped a beat. I could tell almost in my heart that something was wrong, not normal, but you could never tell that logically. I started saying prayers for her (and the rest of the family) before each Sunday mass (occasionally forgetting). The logical side of my brain said this was nonsense and that I was thinking there was a problem where there was none. My heart just told me that something was off - though there was nothing about their demeanor to suggest it. I kept praying.

2 months later, the weird fears in my heart were unexpectedly vindicated in a terrifying manner. I found out that the older sister of the girl I liked (who was about 20) had left the Catholic faith and had become pregnant out-of-wedlock with an atheist boyfriend and was now a few months pregnant. I was stunned because, I was 15-about by this point (if my memory is correct), and I found it an utterly disturbing story. This 20-ish girl was raised completely Catholic in a faithful home and the oldest in the family, but she tossed it for an atheist. I am the oldest in my family, and I found the story extremely disturbing. Both that, and the realization that those “tremors” in my heart were, in fact, correct.

 

[g2n2n]

After that, I continued praying for her and her family each Sunday. It didn’t really occur to me during daily mass, only on Sundays. Part of me said that this was ridiculous in a way - a small attraction led to this, 1 year later? She probably doesn’t remember us meeting at all by now. The other half of me said she probably needed the prayers, so as to not follow the path (or be tempted to follow the path) of her older sister. And so I kept doing it, despite some parts of my brain arguing it was futile and that I should be praying for my family, Pope Francis, Venezuela, my Catholic-gone-atheist college writing teacher, my Catholic-gone-Buddhist math teacher… just, there had to be more important people to pray for than her, a person I barely know. And yet I kept praying.

This continued for about a year and a half. But there was some light coming, I could feel it a little bit in the air. In March, her older brother married a girl who had just turned 18 (though they had been dating since 16). Her older brother did everything by the book perfectly. Chaste before marriage, year-long courtship, (maybe - can’t remember) Latin-mass marriage, and both her brother and his now-wife are FSSP members. I couldn’t get over the contrast in my head - her older sister abandons Church teaching and recommendations for marriage completely, while her older brother completely follows church teaching and recommendations on marriage. I was relieved, because it clearly shows that the older sister’s falling-away didn’t necessarily mean that the rest of the family would follow (and for her and her younger siblings, at least, it makes staying Catholic easier to have a faithful older brother).

At this point, however, things started to change for me. Before, I only thought of her on Sundays. In the last few weeks however, it has flipped. She comes to my mind almost every day now. Again, she is completely and wholly unaware of my prayers - or even, more likely, who I even am at this point. Part of me says she doesn’t need my prayers and if only she could leave my head at this point, but I can’t get rid of that small attraction. Part of me says that, because I am homeschooled, the only reason why I feel some attraction for her is because she is the only person I have ever meet that I could potentially see a future with. Whenever someone mentions “when you have a girlfriend”, an image of her momentarily pops in my head. I feel almost like Sam in the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, where he remarks, “Rosie had ribbons in her hair, that Spring… if I could have married someone, it would’ve been her.” I have never been attracted to any of the girls at my college. However, I’m 17, I try to put things in perspective in my head - but the attraction won’t wane and has only gotten stronger. Perhaps praying for a girl you barely know every day doesn’t exactly help weaken attractions…

 

[g2n2n]

I saw her this Easter briefly at the Vigil - about 1 month after her brother’s wedding. She was the most beautiful I have ever seen her - and then, my brain yelled that this entire thing that I have put myself into is ridiculous. I’m praying for someone who doesn’t need the prayers as much, there are more important to pray for, and I haven’t talked to her in 3 years. Abandon it already!

I suppose I’m writing it here, because I want some external opinions on this whole thing. I have never had temptations (or sin) because of this girl - I just feel out of tune with my brain and my heart - and I forget that I am quite young still. I suppose the next step is to tell my unaware parents about this story - I haven’t told them because it almost feels embarrassing in a way, I don’t know how they’ll react. And in the past, it’s only been a small thing. Now, it feels… larger.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I found it an utterly disturbing story. This 20-ish girl was raised completely Catholic in a faithful home and the oldest in the family, but she tossed it for an atheist .

People sin. In fact, for people raised in very strict homes it is not uncommon to really rebel (good book on the topic is “Why Christian Kids Rebel” by Kimmell).

Pray for her, and if you run into her somewhere be kind and charitable.

At this point, however, things started to change for me. Before, I only thought of her on Sundays. In the last few weeks however, it has flipped. She comes to my mind almost every day now. Again, she is completely and wholly unaware of my prayers - or even, more likely, who I even am at this point. Part of me says she doesn’t need my prayers and if only she could leave my head at this point, but I can’t get rid of that small attraction.

First, EVERYONE needs prayers. Everyone.

Next, you have a crush on this girl. It is 100% normal.

You are in college, get out of your head and simply ask her out on a date. If she says no, then, move on.

I am quite young still. I suppose the next step is to tell my unaware parents about this story - I haven’t told them because it almost feels embarrassing in a way, I don’t know how they’ll react.

Do you still live at home? As a mom, I have had a teenaged son, I did not expect him to tell me every time he had a crush on a girl. You might want to tell your dad “So, dad, how do I ask a girl out on a date?” because it sounds as if you might not have ever been on a date.

And in the past, it’s only been a small thing. Now, it feels… larger.

The more you live in your head, the larger it will become.

Ask her out. Coffee is a good first date. Or bowling. Or to a concert then coffee after.

Pick her up and open her door, pay the check and listen more than you talk. At the end of the evening, shake her hand and tell her “thank you”. Call or text the next day, again say thanks and ask her for another date.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I could be wrong so carefully consider what I have to say.

I have also been infatuated with a girl in the past for a long period of time. About 4 1/2 years. The reason was because she was mysterious for one thing, I only went on one date with her then she moved far, far away. Second, I though I could have a chance with her if she ever came back. Third, I rarely had any other “prospects” in the love department. At least with this girl, we went on one date and I thought that if she did not move perhaps she would have become my girlfriend.

We kept in contact. We hung out few more times when she came back to my state to visit family and friends. The problem was I did not tell her that I liked her… My heart pined for this woman for almost 5 years. She remained mysterious to me for those 5 years. I wondered if I had a chance for those 5 years.

So, the last time she visited, there was a possibility of her moving back to our state. So I told her how I felt about her. She acted all receptive. I though my dream was coming true. Then a month later she informed me via Facebook messenger that she did not feel “called” to be in a relationship with me. I was heart broken.

The moral for me is this… I should have told this woman how I felt much Sooner. It was easier to let go after I knew I did not have a chance. Instead I dragged out this long infatuation for almost 5 years. I held this woman up on a higher pedestal than she deserved to be on because I hardly even knew her. Sure, I knew a lot about her, but not enough that she would not be as “mysterious” to me.

So, I say to you, do yourself a favor and talk to this girl. Figure out a way to start a conversation. Then when you become more then just a another face at Mass to her, ask her to hang out. In other words “ask this girl out” and find out if you have a chance or not. It’s easier to let go of infatuation if you know you don’t have a chance, at least in my experience.

Never stop praying for her. I still occasionally say a prayer for girls that I had crushes on in my life and I am already a married man. But please ask this girl out before another 3 years go by. Life is too short. The risk is worth it.

 

[Brendea]

Everyone needs prayers.
So there is nothing wrong with you praying for this girl and her family.

But it does sound like you have a crush on her next time you see her ask her out for a coffee or to the movies
She will either say yes or no but you won’t know until you ask.

 

[g2n2n]

So, the last time she visited, there was a possibility of her moving back to our state. So I told her how I felt about her. She acted all receptive. I though my dream was coming true. Then a month later she informed me via Facebook messenger that she did not feel “called” to be in a relationship with me. I was heart broken.

Wow… yes, I kept in mind that that could happen with me, but that really does hurt.

Do you still live at home? As a mom, I have had a teenaged son, I did not expect him to tell me every time he had a crush on a girl. You might want to tell your dad “So, dad, how do I ask a girl out on a date?” because it sounds as if you might not have ever been on a date.

I live with my family, we go to Daily Mass, and they drive me over each morning because I am nearby.

She will either say yes or no but you won’t know until you ask.

To be honest, the reason I haven’t is… I don’t know, exactly, what the future would be. It’s not that I’m scared to talk to her. I am on the Engineering track at my college, but there are still 3~4 years to go yet, although sometimes I think about dropping out and with my computer knowledge scoring a $40K/yr-to-start job extremely easily (that’s actually lowballing it, I could get CompTIA certification easily if I wanted it). I have a summer job with my dad which will pay very well for someone my age, but, like, I just don’t know what the purpose of a date would be, if that makes sense. I just feel… like it isn’t the time in my life. Which is partially why I wish I could get rid of these feelings for now.

 

[Irishmom2]

Everyone needs prayers.
So there is nothing wrong with you praying for this girl and her family.

But it does sound like you have a crush on her next time you see her ask her out for a coffee or to the movies
She will either say yes or no but you won’t know until you ask.

It also sounds a little like the OP is obsessing with idea of a relationship with this girl although he has done nothing to move toward one, and is fabricating a storyline in his head of how his prayers may or not have directly affected her family’s choices in life. Prayer is great, but we cannot lay claim to success or failure of other people.

Honestly, it sounds like the OP needs to lighten up a bit. He can certainly ask a girl out without having his whole life planned out.

 

[g2n2n]

It also sounds a little like the OP is obsessing with idea of a relationship with this girl although he has done nothing to move toward one, and is fabricating a storyline in his head of how his prayers may or not have directly affected her family’s choices in life. Prayer is great, but we cannot lay claim to success or failure of other people.

Yes - and I wish I wasn’t creating a storyline out of thin air. I wouldn’t say “done nothing to move towards on” - with her, no, but like, I am in college for a well-paying job (2 years ahead of my grade, I would be in 11th), and am trying to set my life up for a future family the best I can.

Honestly, it sounds like the OP needs to lighten up a bit. He can certainly ask a girl out without having his whole life planned out.

Certainly? I wouldn’t say certainly. “Dating with a purpose”…

 

[Brendea]

Dating with a purpose while it sounds great and all doesn’t always work out

When I first met my husband 12 years ago he took me out to a concert for our first date I didn’t know that night we were going to get married neither did he in fact we broke up a few months later I needed one thing while he needed another
It’s pointless making up fictional story lines and planning out a relationship before you’ve even asked her out. And it’s as simple as saying hey the ( what ever band ) is playing this weekend do you want to come… or next week after church do you want to get a coffee just relax be casual be your self and have fun there’s no point in planning out a relationship before you’ve asked her out and you never know you may find you’ve wasted all this time to find she wasn’t the right one for you. When your eyes are focussed on one person you miss out on seeing what is comming around the corner

 

[Cruciferi]

I would be in 11th), and am trying to set my life up for a future family the best I can.

In my opinion, you should finish College and concentrate on your studies then.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I just don’t know what the purpose of a date would be

The purpose of a date is to get to know her better. There is no rule that says go on a date = marry the person.

Just go for coffee. Really, the longer you let this build into a big thing, the worse it will be. It could also keep you from getting to know other nice young ladies, non will live up to the fantasy version of this girl you have built up as the ideal of perfection.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

OP, I was 17 once, also 20 and 23 and 26 and a lot of other ages, and I understand that this girl seems so important to you. Some of us do crush on people for years, sometimes it actually leads to a later relationship, and sometimes it is just a habit we get into and we continue to crush on the person for years despite it appearing abundantly clear that the infatuation is going absolutely nowhere. Artists and writers and music composers from Dante to Chopin to Ian Hunter have been inspired by this sort of thing.

However, as you note, you’re 17 years old and homeschooled and really need to get out there and experience some of life.

It’s fine to keep praying for the girl. I occasionally say prayers for some of my old time crush objects too. Most of them I haven’t seen in about 40 years at this point and in some cases cannot remember their last names, although I can remember their faces plain as day and remember how I thought about them all the time for years. It seems rather silly now but these are things you do when you are young.

At some point however you need to ask her out and see if this is really going to go anywhere besides your imagination. Also, be open to the possibility of getting to know other girls. Finally, you will likely meet some other people who’ve had similar crushes on other people and this will cease to seem like such a unique thing. It’s pretty normal actually. When you’re in an environment where you are not in a position to be meeting and socializing with a lot of possible partners, your imagination will take over and create a nice safe quasi-relationship for you, which like I said will either end up becoming real or else you will leave it behind when you do go pursue some real relationship. If it wasn’t this girl you met, you might be crushing on a celebrity or something.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, certainly. As in it is possible to date without knowing what your major will be in college, what your profession will be or how you will someday support yourself. People do it all the time.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Dating with a purpose while it sounds great and all doesn’t always work out

When I first met my husband 12 years ago he took me out to a concert for our first date I didn’t know that night we were going to get married neither did he in fact we broke up a few months later I needed one thing while he needed another

Amen to that. When I first met my husband I didn’t see him as anything other than another guy I could have a few laughs with and get him to take me places and buy me stuff. (Yes, I was a mercenary little beast, I was also 21 years old.) I was also dating about 4 or 5 other guys at the same time. I didn’t want to be tied down. My husband at that point had never even been on a date (I didn’t find this out till years later) and was certainly not interested in marrying anybody right that minute, even if I was the first girl he actually decided to try making a play for.

You really have no idea what’s coming in life. Try to use your head and trust God and not put all your eggs in one basket when you don’t even know the person. I know at one point when I was about 21 I had convinced myself that a particular person who I knew somewhat but not super-well (we lived in different states) was THE person for me. It did not go anywhere despite all my efforts and plans. About 15 years later I found out a bunch more stuff about that person, their lifestyle, their personal life at the time and I was pretty much thanking God I dodged a big ol’ bullet.

 

[Elf01]

You are in college, get out of your head and simply ask her out on a date. If she says no, then, move on.

I’d start by striking up a few conversations first.

 

[DeniseNY]

Really, the longer you let this build into a big thing, the worse it will be. It could also keep you from getting to know other nice young ladies, non will live up to the fantasy version of this girl you have built up as the ideal of perfection

This. I did this exact same thing in my youth and it was a huge mistake.