Infertility Advice

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lovinghusband51

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Hi,

I imagine this topic has been posted here before so I apologize for duplicating. I’m in need of advice. My wife and I have been married for over a year now and are dealing with infertility issues. We knew before we were married that we would have issues but always trusted that the Lord would heal our infertility. After a year of marriage and year of trying it was very difficult for the both of us to take the news of being “medically” infertile. To top off all of this we live in a parish FULL of children. We are literally surrounded by them in all aspects of our life and people are constantly announcing their pregnancy to us or asking us when we are having children. So, I’m reaching out for advice. Neither of us know how to handle this or what to do at this point. We have been working with a Napro doctor and my wife has seen some results but still we haven’t been able to conceive or actually see positive results.

As a husband, I feel helpless. All I want to do is fix this issue. I’ve realized that I can’t and the only thing that I can actually do is pray but the Lord is silent. This is something I can’t fix. Are their any couples at there that can give us advice on how to deal with the pain that this cross is? Can any husbands give me advice on how to care for and comfort my wife during this time?

Finally, I ask for your prayers that the Lord preforms a mighty miracle and gives us a child or that the Lord prepares our hearts for His plan.

Thank you in advance.
 
Prayers here. My husband was rendered medically infertile. After two long surgeries, we had no success. I was devastated. I actually went to then Cardinal O’Connor of New York who gave me wonderful advice. We consulted with Catholic doctors to find a very long shot work around. When I got pregnant, I thanked God by offering my son to the Church. On his own, he is discerning…now in his 5th year. This took great faith. Saint Anthony is the saint who helps infertile couple (not St. Gerard). My son’s middle name is Anthony, in his honor.
 
Hi Domer,

Thank you for the response. Your story is very encouraging and Praise God for your son! I was unaware that St. Anthony was the saint to pray to for infertility. We were always told St. Gerard and a priest in India who specialize in praying for people to get pregnant told us St. Gerard. We will have to also ask St. Anthony to intercede for us. We will be praying for your sons discernment!
 
I lift you two up in prayer. My husband and I have dealt with the infertility issue. Somehow, we always knew that we would adopt - and we did. In June, we will have been married for 30 years. The fertility ship has sailed and if I could go back in time and fix some things - I would.

Have you and your wife considered the Sacrament of the Sick? I almost prefer to say ‘Healing’ instead of ‘Sick’ because of the nature of the sacrament. This sacrament isn’t only for pending surgeries or prolonged illnesses. I know of some who’ve received the sacrament for mental/emotional issues. There is the opportunity to ask for the healing of the pain of infertility. If I could go back in time - I would have requested this sacrament for both my husband and I. The sacraments are there to give us strength and join us to Christ.

 
lovinghusband51 said:
We have been working with a Napro doctor and my wife has seen some results but still we haven’t been able to conceive or actually see positive results.
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I was going to recommend seeing a Napro doctor, but I see you are already doing it. Sometimes it takes time. I would advise you to continue working with the doctor, and to be patient. I know a couple who worked with a Napro doctor and conceived two children as a result, but it took a few years before the first pregnancy.

Here are some other thoughts that come to mind:
  • You could consider adopting a child who really needs a home, or becoming a foster parent. There are many programs and agencies who you could contact about this. One that I have heard good things about is Kidsave.
  • My experience as a father is that caring for children doesn’t need to cost much when the children are very young. But as they get older, expenses can begin to get larger, such as paying for private school, saving for college, buying a larger vehicle, or buying a larger house. Also, if your wife is working now but plans to be a stay-at-home mom later, then your income is probably significantly higher now than it will be later, if you are blessed with children. Both of these considerations mean that now is a great time to save as much as possible, in retirement accounts and in general savings/investment accounts (some of which you can use to contribute to college savings accounts once children arrive). Your future self will be very thankful for any extra money that you can save now, especially if you invest it prudently so that it grows over time.
  • There are families out there who have followed the call to be open to life, but who are struggling to care for a large number of children. (For example, see this thread.) In fact, even caring for two small children can be a huge struggle, depending on the situation. You and your wife could volunteer some of your time now (before you become busy with caring for your own children) to help one of these families. Perhaps you and your wife already know a family like this who would be very thankful for your help. If not, then you could check with local Catholic homeschooling groups or with your local parish, to see if there is a Catholic family in need of help with babysitting, housecleaning, meal preparation, etc. This would give you some on-the-job parenting training, while also providing help that could really make a difference to some struggling parents.
  • Many Catholic couples who follow the church’s teaching on openness to life have times when they need to use NFP to avoid pregnancy, which means significant periods of abstinence. If the Napro doctor is successful in treating the root cause of your infertility, then you actually may have to use NFP to avoid pregnancy at some point in the future. So make the most of this abstinence-free period of your marriage now, while you can. Even if a child does not result, the bonding aspect is still very important.
 
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We are in a similar situation, married going on three years and nothing.

It is a painful place to be in, and there are very few people who understand what you are going through or even realize that you might be having a hard time. I am sorry that I don’t really have any good advice as we still haven’t been able to conceive; and I still am not good at dealing with the continuous cycle of grief and ache of watching everyone else around you have babies. Except I would say, just continue to work on keeping your marriage healthy, as infertility can be hard on a marriage in various ways. I will pray for you and your wife.
 
Paul71 said:
You could consider adopting a child who really needs a home, or becoming a foster parent. There are many programs and agencies who you could contact about this. One that I have heard good things about is Kidsave.
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When people hear that a married couple are infertile, they often suggest adopting. I think that many people may not be aware that adopting is incredibly difficult, to the point of being impossible for many couples. There are far more couples waiting for babies than there are babies to adopt. Domestic adoption costs an average of $40,000. Not many people have that kind of cash handy. Even if a couple does come up with the money, they often wait years for a match and pay significant sums, only to have an adoption match fall through. International adoptions can be somewhat less expensive, but still averages in the $30,000+ range.

Adopting a child from foster care is a beautiful thing to do (and is not costly like infant adoptions), but it is not for everyone. Most of the children waiting for a home are older; and many, though no fault of their own, have very challenging behavioral and emotional issues that not every couple is equipped to deal with. We have seriously considered this option and attended a weekend training seminar; but we concluded that we are not in a good place to do it at this time. We are keeping it in mind as a possibility for the future, though.

I would add that adopting (particularly adoption of an older child) is a calling or vocation of its own. It is not a solution per se to infertility.
Paul71 said:
There are families out there who have followed the call to be open to life, but who are struggling to care for a large number of children. (For example, see this thread.) In fact, even caring for two small children can be a huge struggle, depending on the situation. You and your wife could volunteer some of your time now (before you become busy with caring for your own children) to help one of these families. Perhaps you and your wife already know a family like this who would be very thankful for your help. If not, then you could check with local Catholic homeschooling groups or with your local parish, to see if there is a Catholic family in need of help with babysitting, housecleaning, meal preparation, etc. This would give you some on-the-job parenting training, while also providing help that could really make a difference to some struggling parents.
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While this is a good thing to do (in fact, I help my sister with her four children whenever I can–meal preparation, babysitting, taking the older ones on outings, etc.), it does nothing to assuage the sadness of not being able to have your own children. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews, but it is also a reminder of what I may never have.

I am not trying to discount your good and kind advice to the OP, just attempting to give some perspective from someone who is going through the struggle of infertility. 🙂
 
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EnglishTeacher said:
There are far more couples waiting for babies than there are babies to adopt.
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That’s why I suggested Kidsave, which is an organization which places older children, who do not have a list of parents waiting to adopt them, and who therefore really need someone to adopt them. I suspect that the costs of adopting an older child are probably lower as well, though I don’t know.
EnglishTeacher said:
I would add that adopting (particularly adoption of an older child) is a calling or vocation of its own. It is not a solution per se to infertility.
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This is certainly a valid point, and I agree. However, a couple who has few children or no children would in general have more time, energy, and ability to adopt a child or to serve as foster parents, than a couple that has many children. So I think it is worth considering. But I certainly agree that not all couples who struggle with infertility are called to adopt or to serve as foster parents.
EnglishTeacher said:
While this is a good thing to do (in fact, I help my sister with her four children whenever I can–meal preparation, babysitting, taking the older ones on outings, etc.), it does nothing to assuage the sadness of not being able to have your own children.
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I understand that, and I did not mean to imply otherwise. I offered this idea in the spirit of: “Here is something I would like to be able to do, but can’t (at least not to any great extent), because I have my own children to care for. You hopefully will be in the same position as me some day, and hopefully soon. Until then, perhaps you can serve God in other ways – ways that won’t be available to you if you are blessed with children.”

But I hope that my suggestion did not and does not come across as insensitive. I don’t have first-hand experience with infertility, so perhaps my idea does sound insensitive. If so, I sincerely apologize.
 
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First, have you investigated NaPro technology? Even if there is no NaPro physician in your area, they will work with your local doc.

https://www.naprotechnology.com/infertility.htm

https://www.popepaulvi.com/about.php
EnglishTeacher said:
Adopting a child from foster care is a beautiful thing to do (and is not costly like infant adoptions), but it is not for everyone. Most of the children waiting for a home are older; and many, though no fault of their own, have very challenging behavioral and emotional issues that not every couple is equipped to deal with.
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If a family is open to adopting a sibling group or a child who might be of a mixed racial heritage, the possibilities open up. I know many people who have foster to adopted newborns who come with a 3 year old sibling or a newborn who has a black father or a latina mom.

The idea that all kids in foster are super “damaged” is one thing that keeps so many kids in the system. It is exactly the opposite of pro-life 😦

I’d suggest that folks begin by acting as a respite care foster family. You watch the kids while the permanent foster family needs a few days to travel out of state or one of the many reasons parents sometimes need a babysitter.

It allows you to put your toe in the water.

In our town there is a Christian foster care group.
 
There are excellent suggestions in this thread and I would like to add another.

You and your wife need to have your own, non-child, activities and interests that you enjoy completely for your own enjoyment. Something to take your mind off the stress of your lives and will belong to your own before, (God willing!) during, and after your child rearing years.

Because it was you and DW in the beginning, and no matter what happens, it will be you two in the end.

And I will remember you in my prayers :pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
 
We were referred to Ceirghten U. and also councilled by Cardinal O’Connon. Our mail infertility was so bad ( two bothered surgeries on 2 sons), we were given dispensation to go through 1 procedure. If it worked, we would pray to offer the child to the Church. At fifth grade, without knowing my secret, he started discerning. He is a rising sophomore and is more convicted than ever.
 
But yes, we would never go through treatments because our Caheism was bad at the time and the clergy knew. I would recommend it. Although we had a child, we had heartbreak over it for 16 years and preach against it.
 
TheLittleLady said:
First, have you investigated NaPro technology? Even if there is no NaPro physician in your area, they will work with your local doc.
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Yes, it hasn’t helped so far.
TheLittleLady said:
The idea that all kids in foster are super “damaged” is one thing that keeps so many kids in the system. It is exactly the opposite of pro-life 😦
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I didn’t mean to imply that, and I hope that’s not how it came across. We are still considering it, as I said, at least for the future. I actually really pushed for it a year ago, but my husband was just not ready at all.

It is a wonderful thing to do, and definitely more people should look into it. But it is a huge and life-altering decision to bring someone permanently into your home and family, perhaps especially so when you are new(ish)ly wed. Both spouses need to be fully on board and committed to that decision for it to work.
 
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And sorry, OP; I didn’t intend to direct the thread away from you. Praying for you and your wife, that God would send you a child and give you peace while waiting. Have you read this article? The author and her husband are also going through infertility; I thought it was excellent: The Cross of Infertility: Finding Companionship with the Saints. Sometimes it helps a little to stay after Mass a few minutes to pray together and maybe light a candle for your intentions.
 
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No need to apologize! Thank you for your prayers. My wife and I will be praying for y’all as well. Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice. God bless!
 
Thank you for your prayers and please be assured of mine and my family’s prayers as well.
 
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