Infidelity

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JenDox

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I have been married just over 10 years. My husband and I have a 21 month old son. My husband was an active alcoholic for the first 7 years of our marriage. In May of '06 he entered rehab. As far as I know, he was sober for 2 1/2 years and relapsed last September. We had been working through that relapse… all the stealing money…all the lies…all the repeated deceitful behavior…we had been working on this, and as I thought we were making progress.

Tuesday, 2 days ago, I found out he has had a long-term (maybe 7 months) sexual and emotional affair that he says ended in Feb. I have very strong probable cause to believe he has been getting up at 2 or 3 in the morning, and posting on Craigslist soliciting casual sexual encounters. I know for a fact that he did this on Thursday (posted a CL ad for casual sex and was going to meet her on Tuesday evening). He may be having phone sex with these women on Craigslist and he admitted that he has been back to looking at porn for the last 3-4 months.

…I can not even begin to explain how I feel right now. I hold my Catholic faith very highly. I do not believe in divorce. But I am so hurt, angry, violated, disgusted, in disbelief, I have a desire to inflict a lot of physical pain on him, I am repulsed, I am so sad that we is capable of this, that he would do this to me, to our marriage, and how about our son? What is he doing to our son? Our family? I do not want to raise him in a broken home. But I do not know what to do? How can he do that and pretend for so long? How can he receive the Eucharist every Sunday knowing he is doing this? Isn’t he concerned for his soul? I could go on and on.

Yesterday I saw my OBGYN and was tested for STDs. I had my anti-depressants raised and I have an appt with my psychiatrist today. I made an appt with my Catholic counselor/psychologist for Monday. Most importantly, I spoke with my priest yesterday and he wants to meet with me and my husband today.

My husband relapsed (alcohol) after I found out about his affair and confronted him (on the phone) on Tuesday. He got inebriated on his lunch break and returned to work. He was fired and he is our financial provider. He was taken by a friend to his sister’s house where he passed out. He has been there since.

He made a feeble (in my opinion) attempt to get back into the out-patient rehab center he went to in 2006. They can’t admit him until the 23rd. On the phone last night he was trying to convince me to let him come back to the house, and he said he wanted to “hold me” (PUKE!!!). He also said he does not think rehab is the answer that he’ll just do 40 meetings in 40 days. I told him I needed to be knocked out of the sky convinced that he wants this marriage and is willing to do anything and everything to get himself help and make out marriage work. So far, I am not convinced at all. He says the words but is doing nothing.

I really just want some Catholic advice and guidance on this. Please, please, if you have been through something like this, please contact me. I need to hear that this can be overcome… through a miracle or by the grace of our Lord.
 
The very first thing to do is make an appointment to talk to your Priest. He has seen families through these hard situations.
 
I pray for you and your family. This is the beginning of a long journey to recovery. You’ll be in my daily prayers.

God Bless!
 
I will pray for you and that the Lord will lead you out of this situation. Were you married in the church?
 
jimpres—Yes, we were married in the Catholic church.
kage—Appt. with our priest is in the works. He is trying to fit us in today.
 
Jen, I hope the priest guides you along a christian path.

I had the same experience and the person did not change. She would be fine for a time then revert back to her old ways.

It is hard but you will get through it. You both need to pray.
 
I will pray a Rosary tonight for you and your family, and will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
 
You did the right thing going to see the priest. I assume that your husband is going with?

There is a lot of bad stuff that has happened here. Families have been able recovered from stuff like this, but you are correct, HE needs to be fully committed and repentant for it to work. I pray that your meeting with the priest is a fruitful start.

The one thing that must happen immediately is the porn must stop. The porn has already led to an affair and could lead to even worse things. If he is to stay in your house I recommend that he be barred from even using the computer or TV when you are not around. Put a password on it that locks it every 30 minutes of non use. If he truly loves you and wants to amend he will do this for you. You do need to protect yourself and you son.

If he is committed to repair himself and the damage he has caused your family, I can provide some additional advice if you want it. First I think you should see what the priest has to say and how your husband responds.

You are a brave women I admire your courage in this tough situation.
 
I will keep you in my prayers. I would strongly suggest that you insist your husband live elsewhere until he shows signs of real recovery for a significant period of time. How long that is, only you can determine. He needs to see very clearly all that he is giving up by choosing this insane lifestyle over his marriage and family. And please, please, please do not have marital relations with him or even be alone with him until he has proven himself and has a fresh set of STD test results.
 
Evelyn may be right. If he can stay at his sister’s while he gets his act together, that may be best. Hopefully she will be on your side (and ultimately his), and make him accountable. However the sister needs to know the full extent of his porn issues if he is staying in her house. Especially if she has kids of her own.

Continued prayers,

whm
 
**It sounds like your husband has an addictive personality, so he gives up one thing (alcohol) and then the addiction is replaced by another thing. He needs a lot of help. While I realize you are deeply deeply hurt, it sounds like the whole craiglist thing is seeking a fix to numb his pain, since alcohol isn’t doing that for him anymore. I’m not minimizing this whatsoever, but it seems that he doesn’t care who it is he is having the sexual encounters with, as long as it’s a stranger. 😦 I am not familiar with craiglist, what is it exactly?

I will keep you both in my prayers…see your priest together, and keep praying. Take each day at a time, but know this, that your husband has to be committed to changing, or this will continue. He has to get serious help, and decide to be committed. Being married to someone who is acting out like this, well, it isn’t much of a marriage. You deserve better, and I am hoping that your husband comes to realize that, and wishes to change. Truthfully, on some level, he might want to change, but there is something that causes him to be addicted to destructive behavior. 😦 I will hold you tightly in my prayers. **
 
EvelynEVF said:
I will keep you in my prayers. I would strongly suggest that you insist your husband live elsewhere until he shows signs of real recovery for a significant period of time. How long that is, only you can determine. He needs to see very clearly all that he is giving up by choosing this insane lifestyle over his marriage and family. And please, please, please do not have marital relations with him or even be alone with him until he has proven himself and has a fresh set of STD test results.
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I agree with this, too. You don’t have to think of the longterm right now, but your husband needs to see that you don’t accept or tolerate the behavior. You love him, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with the chaos day in and day out. Praying that you find some peace in this, OP.
 
EvelynEVF said:
I will keep you in my prayers. I would strongly suggest that you insist your husband live elsewhere until he shows signs of real recovery for a significant period of time. How long that is, only you can determine. He needs to see very clearly all that he is giving up by choosing this insane lifestyle over his marriage and family. And please, please, please do not have marital relations with him or even be alone with him until he has proven himself and has a fresh set of STD test results.
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I completely agree. I would urge you to discuss a physical separation and separation of bank accounts with your priest until your husband takes action to get his life under control, IF he takes action to get his life under control.
 
Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.
 
Jen,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are doing all the right things (and have been given some good advice here as well).

God respects us so much that he allows each of us to make our own decisions. Unfortunately, sometimes those decisions hurt others a whole lot.

I understand your feelings about your husband still receiving the Eucharist. My husband did when he was with me during his affair. He convinced himself that it didn’t matter - he just didn’t want me to know and I would have dug around more if he hadn’t been receiving.

Stay with all your appointments, even if your husband doesn’t. While the others are correct that he has to do the work to repair himself and the marriage, you also have healing to do. My favorite resource is www.affairrecovery.com. They are a Christian group specializing in post-affair/sexual addition recovery. They offer a class for the betrayed spouse called Harboring Hope (the next one starts in August) which is wonderful.

Some things that have helped me through it (and we are a little over a year post-affair): remember that as much as it hurt you, your husband hurt our Lord even more. It hurt Him so much that He sweat blood in the Garden on Holy Thursday and He felt it with every stripe of the scourge, every step on the Way of the Cross and every moment of agony during His crucifixtion. Also, remember that Our Lord was with your husband during every moment, weeping at the pain he was causing himself, you and your family, and Him.

I don’t know how things will turn out with your marriage, but I do know that God will continue to bless you through this period. As I was preparing our daughter for her father to leave us (although she has no idea of the affair or that that was what I was doing) I reminded her over and over that other people can make bad/sinful decisions that can harm us. Some people turn bitter and turn from God during times like those, but we should turn toward Him, knowing that He will make us happy with Him in Heaven forever.

This is a long journey, as Faithandhope said. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, you will have good moments and good days ahead. I can tell you that I am healthier and stronger and my marriage is healthier and stronger as an outcome of my husband’s affair. Please feel free to PM me any time.
 
Send your husband to Every Man’s Battle:

everymansbattle.com/

It can effectively help him cope with his new addiction, which appears to be sex.

And yes, a trial separation is what is needed under these circumstances. Adultery is a valid reason for separation, or “limited divorce”, under the canons.
 
As horrific as his behavior has been, please try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place, even at a time of tragedy, I believe it’s still important.

That you don’t believe in divorce makes me want to embrace you.

May God bless you a thousand times. PLEASE remember that no matter how bad it feels now, this too will pass.

We love you! God Bless!
 
EvelynEVF said:
I will keep you in my prayers. I would strongly suggest that you insist your husband live elsewhere until he shows signs of real recovery for a significant period of time. How long that is, only you can determine. He needs to see very clearly all that he is giving up by choosing this insane lifestyle over his marriage and family. And please, please, please do not have marital relations with him or even be alone with him until he has proven himself and has a fresh set of STD test results.
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Angels_Unaware said:
I completely agree. I would urge you to discuss a physical separation and separation of bank accounts with your priest until your husband takes action to get his life under control, IF he takes action to get his life under control.
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hurtandhealing said:
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are doing all the right things (and have been given some good advice here as well).

God respects us so much that he allows each of us to make our own decisions. Unfortunately, sometimes those decisions hurt others a whole lot.

…Stay with all your appointments, even if your husband doesn’t. While the others are correct that he has to do the work to repair himself and the marriage, you also have healing to do. My favorite resource is www.affairrecovery.com. They are a Christian group specializing in post-affair/sexual addition recovery. They offer a class for the betrayed spouse called Harboring Hope (the next one starts in August) which is wonderful…
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GREAT advice above. I am so sorry for all the pain, but am so glad to hear you have built a strong network of support. You may also need to prepare yourself and your family for the very real possibility that your husbad will NOT be able to overcome his addictive personality and become the man, husband and father you need. Don’t make any long-term decisions now. But I would also STRONGLY encourage you to physically & financially separate for the near future. I am hoping that this is rock bottom and you can start rebuilding. You will certainly be in many prayers.
 
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