Inlaws or Outlaws

[clement1]

This is kind of long, but I am looking for some advice. I have been married for close to 3 yrs. and ever since I said “I do” my inlaws have been nothing but a pain. They are always interfering in our lives and bullying my wife to get there way. My wife is from a dysfunctional family, her mother has a personality disorder and post traumatic stress and her father is nothing but a puppet of her mother. Things went from bad to worse when one day my pregnant wife had to call the police on her mother after a short scuffle where she would not give up our 1yr. old. After about a month my wife decided that she would like to meet with them at the office of a counseler that she sees. At that meeting Mr. Puppet (her father) just attacked me accusing me of all kind of nutty things, “you forced her to change her religion”, “you forced her to buy the house you live in”, “you never wanted to be part of this family” etc. I remained silent till it was my turn and when I said one thing they both attacked me so I could not get a word in. This went on till her counseler decided to end it. Since then my wife’s counseler has recomended no contact until she is past her post partum, but they insist on seeing our 1yr. old. I have done my best to keep this from happening because I fear for my child when she is over there. I don’t think these people are stable, but my wife feels that she wants to have some kind of future relationship with them so, I have let it go. This situation is not good for my marriage because they are still making demands.
This where I need some advice. I have decided to email them and tell them no more visits and they are not allowed in my home, of course my wife does not like this, but I feel I have to. Oh, I have already tried to get her to move, but she won’t. So, is the fact that these are her parents clouding her judgement or am I being to rash? Thanks for your response.

 

[Scott_Lafrance]

You wife has left her family and decided to cleave to YOU. YOU are her head now, and I would have no problem with you crafting a polite, but pointed letter to her parents explaining that any further contact with your family will be done through you. You’d better put a stop to their meddling, or it WILL get worse, I guarantee it.

 

[dhgray]

Scott_Lafrance:

You wife has left her family and decided to cleave to YOU. YOU are her head now, and I would have no problem with you crafting a polite, but pointed letter to her parents explaining that any further contact with your family will be done through you. You’d better put a stop to their meddling, or it WILL get worse, I guarantee it.

AMEN Scott.

Clement1, I recommend you BOTH find a family ministry and grow together spiritually. Couples for Christ helped us.

 

[monica_fan]

You mentioned that your mother in law has post traumatic stress, what is this from? I think you need to discuss this with your wife further and write the letter together. You could explain to her parents that her counselor has recommended that your wife have some time apart from them until she is over her post partum. I would be happy to look at this letter (from a mother in law’s point of view) before you send it off to them. That is, if you are want to be sensitive to all sides.
clement1 but my wife feels that she wants to have some kind of future relationship with them so:

 

[Princess_Abby]

clement,

i am so sorry to hear about the chaos you are experiencing. my husband and i have been married for a year and a half. we have been through SO much tumult and heartache with my husband’s family, including some really difficult consquences both in our marriage and within our extended family.

however, we got counseling and though we haven’t seen them in a year, they have virtually stalked us. it has been very difficult for my husband to let go of them, but recently it came to the point where there simply was no choice but to truly not allow them to contact us in any way, shape or form.

this has meant:

changing phone numbers
blocking all email addresses
returning ALL snail mail, unopened
deleting voicemails without listening (prior to changing number)
refusing to give them admittance to our home

we wrote them a 13 page letter with the counselor’s approval and sent it off. they have never once addressed the letter whatsoever, but went to go see our counselor and tried to manipulate their way back into our life. they are purely poisonous people who simply are irrational and reason does not work with them.

your wife might be blinded to this because she grew up with it and family patterns stay the same, usually. she is used to the dysfunction and it seems normal to her, even if it scares her.

my husband i will soon be moving 1200 miles away to get away from his parents.

you are the spiritual authority for your household and if you do not feel comfortable sharing your vulnerable one year old daughter with these people—do not do it!!! please.

you are in charge, not them. if your wife wants to immerse herself in dysfunction with them, fine. but you may need to refuse to expose yourself or your two children to them.

abuse is a deal breaker. you are not their punching bag.

 

[Island_Oak]

clement1:

Things went from bad to worse when one day my pregnant wife had to call the police on her mother after a short scuffle where she would not give up our 1yr. old.

This type of behavior is out of bounds, completely unacceptable and will be with you for years to come if you don’t act decisively NOW.

Since then my wife’s counseler has recomended no contact until she is past her post partum, but they insist on seeing our 1yr. old. I have done my best to keep this from happening because I fear for my child when she is over there. I don’t think these people are stable, but my wife feels that she wants to have some kind of future relationship with them so, I have let it go. This situation is not good for my marriage…

The claim that, because your wife refuses or fails to deal with this pathological situation…“I have to let it go” is utter nonsense. I assume your wife is an adult. At the very least she is capable of committing to marriage and conceiving a child. Those two things impose on her certain obligations which are NOT trumped by her prior relationship with her parents.

Sit down first with your wife and try and come to an understanding. Be honest in expressing your concerns about their conduct and its impact on your marriage and your child. Get her (name removed by moderator)ut–I’m sure this chaos is very stressful for her. Help her by identifying some reasonable limits you can set for her parents as well as some clear boundaries which if not honored by them–will result in (mutually understood and agreed) consequences.

Then I would convey the information to her parents face-to-face in a respectful, but firm way. This is not debate, nor are you negotiating or seeking their approval. You are informing them of a decision the two of you have made. Then…stick to your agreement. There is simply no room for compromise when a marriage and parenting obligations are countered by people whose behavior is so destructive.