Insecurity in Relationship...How to Love Yourself

[jonah8272013]

Hello to all members of the forum,
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I have always struggled with self-esteem and insecurity. I have never really liked who I am and I have never really loved myself. I have been in a relationship for a while now and my insecurities have been crippling me. Now, my girlfriend has not been doing anything to make me doubt her trust. She is probably the most trustworthy girlfriend you could imagine. The relationship is long distance and these types of relationships are so difficult but it would be fine if I wasn’t consumed with jealousy and insecurity. I realize that all of my vices stem from the fact that I don’t really love myself. I desire so desperately to love myself and see myself as God sees me. I know that Jesus died for me, but loving myself is just so difficult to do. I am just wired for negativity. I want so badly to live happy and full of love for myself.

I would appreciate any advice and any prayers that anyone knows. I believe that I if begin to love myself, then I wouldn’t be insecure nor jealous.

Thank you all for reading this.
God bless

 

[1ke]

Can you talk to a counselor or therapist?

 

[1Lord1Faith]

It’s difficult to give this subject any real clarity without first talking about your physical health. That’s really where you need to start. It’s also against forum rules to give medical advice, so I always cringe when questions like this come up on CAF.

There is an epidemic of the kind of malaise, that you’re describing, in the US today. There is ample evidence, IMO, that most of it could be prevented by working. I mean “working” in the sense of the word that is used in physics - exercise, or physical labor.

Anyway, that’s where I would start if I were you. Is your body doing what God designed it to do?

 

[Bluebright]

I agree with 1ke you really need a therapist to help you sort this out, cos we don’t really know you and aren’t really qualified. I will of course pray for you. I really think you need to ask your GP to refer you to a Christian counsellor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of I have seen a counsellor 3 times in my life, I am a retired Police officer and there were times when it was hard to separate peoples pain and lives from mine so I got help. I recommend getting a Christian counsellor though cos I didn’t have one and well it is easier if they know your beliefs and share them. Also well done to you, you have taken the first step recognising the problem and seeking help. God will be with you all the way, you are His precious child and He loves you so much, you are on such an exciting journey as you discover that…

 

[Trishie]

I would appreciate any advice and any prayers that anyone knows

‘Love others…as yourself’

Jesus when You command us to love others as ourselves, You require something more challenging than simply to “love others.” The embedded touchstone in that command is “as you love your self.” Help us therefore not to be uncharitable to ourselves.

Many people lack proper self-esteem, making it difficult for them to genuinely value others. However, Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29] If we do fail to love ourselves correctly, we cannot accept God’s love. Let us never imagine ourselves hidden from Your mercy: ‘“Can anyone hide in a dark corner without my seeing him?’ asks the Lord.” [Jeremiah 23-24]

The concept of rightly loving oneself in order to love others as God’s precious children may be confused with the selfishness that ruins unselfish self-love. It requires us to reject negative self-talk and responses. “If a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be good?” [Ecclesiasticus 14:5].

Growth in Christian self-love is facilitated by “filling your mind with everything that is true, everything that is noble, and everything that is pure and good” [Philippians 4:8] and serving “in works of love.” It is allowing the Spirit to direct your life and then “you will be in no danger of yielding to self-indulgence. What the Spirit brings is…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.” [Galatians 5:13, 16, 26, 22-23]

Jesus, help us to fittingly love ourselves. You do not wish us to disparage ourselves but to see ourselves as loved, forgiven children of God. A poor self-image may compare to our perception of ‘clouds’. To observers, clouds appear to be impressive, substantial and tangible. However, within themselves the clouds seem damp, insubstantial and misty.

Jesus, let us not belittle ourselves in comparison to others because of our personal uncertainties and inadequacies. Let us live in sincere acceptance of self, that unique gift of Your creative love. help us to see ourselves as loved children of God. Jesus, help me to know that You really love me so that I can love You and love others truly.

Our value is in You alone.

 

[Trishie]

Confidence in God’s merciful love

Our God, we praise and thank You who loves each person into existence. I thank You for loving us, loving me.

Our God, You command that I forgive and rightly cherish myself. Like many people in human history, I often find it difficult to sincerely and consistently love the ‘self’ that I find mirrored in my consciousness. I know that You can bring me to appreciate the miracle and privilege of my existence!

How can I refuse to love what God loves! You treasure me, as You love and treasure each unique, human person that You create. Yet I need much grace to love this betrayer of my true being and purpose, myself! I betray Your loving creation of me by failing to be fully ‘the person I am created to be’ , and by failing in gratitude for the gift of myself.

You love each person so much that it led to the incarnation of Your divine Son, and to His redemption of humankind. Jesus is Your response to my betrayal of my destiny and me. Yet frequently I am unconvinced or indifferent before these astounding gifts of divine love for me and for every person!

Please give me grace to value each person, and my own life, as Your beloved and eternal gift. Inspire me with faith and gratitude for the gift of myself, for the lives of dear ones and of all people. Grant that these human gifts are shaped by Your love to become everlasting gifts to You, and through You, eternal gifts to each other person.

Through Jesus, You taught us that cheerful, loving mutual service of others leads to fulfilment of Your creative will. Therefore, give me grace to faithfully say ‘yes’ to Your loving purpose by active respect and charity to others and me. Delight Yourself in me by forming me into the unselfish, joyful, helpful and prayerful person You dreamed me to be for You and for the sake of others’ souls for time and eternity. 1999

 

[Trishie]

Appreciating others

Jesus, I honour You for others goodness. Yet, help me to share Your compassion, respect and delight in those who seem (to themselves or others) to reflect Your face poorly. Grant me the gift of conveying to each person, the beautiful, glimpsed vision of self, as You love him or her, a fallible human with entwined faults and virtues.

One sometimes glimpses another’s discouraged self-judgement, for he fears that Your plan of salvation builds upon some unlikely ‘ideal self’. He perhaps hopes that to others, only the good is evident. He fears that were others to sense the extent of his unworthiness, they may reject him—as indeed he fears You may.

Jesus, please extend Your hand to him through those who see his efforts and who have faith in the secret, unique miracle of him. Let him know that You love him as he is, and that You plan his holiness around his actual self. You fulfil Your dream of him and serve others through his flawed personality with its abilities, gifts and virtues, along with its faults and scars. Assure him that his efforts to live the Gospel are more precious because of his temptations and flaws, so that he is encouraged to faith and self-acceptance.

Jesus, let me see and share Your beautiful, unique, creative vision of each brother and sister, regardless of ‘apparent’ flaws. In my warm acceptance of him grant to each person that restoring, blossoming fruitfulness of love—which the image of him cherished and accepted as he really is—produces in the most barren and bleak heart. 1982

My brother, “Do not be afraid, you will not be put to shame.” [Isaiah 54:4]

 

[PetraG]

The relationship is long distance and these types of relationships are so difficult but it would be fine if I wasn’t consumed with jealousy and insecurity.

Having been in this situation (a long-distance relationship), you might also consider that loving yourself more might not be the only route to contentment. There are other ways to peace. One is to love God and the other is to love your neighbor. If you love God and others too little, that will also lead to vices, since you will come to prefer your own short-term desires as your greatest good. If you want to see yourself as God does, after all, it helps to work to put aside your desires in favor of the will of God. If you work to love God and to love sinners as God loves them, you’ll find it much easier to see the mercy of God. That way, you can come to see God’s fierce desire for your perfection as a saint not as something God desires for God’s sake but as something God as set before you for your sake.

What would become of your jealousy and insecurity if your greatest desire in your relationships was for whatever was best for those you loved? Where would there be room for your jealousy, which puts what you want over what might be best for her? What if losing your girlfriend stopped being the worst thing that could possibly happen because every day you put yourself in trust of the Will of God? What if you looked to depend on God to provide what you need? Where is there room for insecurity when all you desire is to do the will of God? Those who desire to be humble learn that their security is in the mercy of God, not in any merit they have themselves.

I would not give up on your sense that you appreciate how God values you far too little. Try changing over, though, to a sense of your true self, a self that does not have to be outstanding in any way to be loved. Try seeing other people that way–that is, every one as a soul whom God loves, even though they are not exactly a ball of pleasure to be around. If you see others as souls God loves as they are because God can see what love and the grace of God can make of them, this work of loving yourself will become attainable because you won’t have to be lovable in order to attain it. If you work on seeing all other souls as God sees them and on giving thanks to God for seeing them in that merciful and self-sacrificing way, then the work of allowing God to love you like that, too, and the trust that God will get you through every sacrifice that God asks of you will be more attainable.

If you try to love yourself as God does by looking for good things in yourself to love, however, you’ve set up a house of cards. You only have to fail, and the love you imagine God has for you will fail, too. If you love others with a love that is not dependent on what they can do for you, however, then you will internalize the love God has for you. You will also have made it far easier for God to re-model you as a miniature reflection of God: a saint. If there is a road to living in hope instead of insecurity, that is it.

 

[PetraG]

Can you talk to a counselor or therapist?

I highly recommend you try to find someone for this, OP. We sometimes get ourselves into ruts of thinking and seeing the world that are not reasonably possible to get ourselves out of.

Look at the physical parallel. If you were to do some exercise wrong all the time, you could experience soreness and not be able to advance as you want to in whatever sport you try. If you had not done yourself too much damage, some rest and some coaching on the right way to do it might be all you need to turn things around. If, however, you have both ingrained a muscle memory of wrong technique AND done tissue damage by repetition of a damaging activity, then you will find that recovery and a turn-around aren’t reasonably likely without a doctcor or physical therapist.

You’re describing enough damage to yourself and damaging thinking that it is reasonably certain that you’d benefit from professional help to change it. When you get back on track, changing the way you go about handling yourself has a greater likelihood to help you. If you tried to just switch over on your own steam, the chances are that your previous emotional injuries might be aggravated rather than have the effect they would if you started those changes with a cleaner bill of emotional health.

Try to find someone with professional experience at handling the issues you’re describing. Address the emotional injuries you’ve suffered, and THEN try going at things in a way that is not so likely to damage you again. Just realistically speaking, that would seem to be the most likely route to turning things around.